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How does a 3rd baby/child change things?(373 Posts)
It's me again (usually here as MolotovCocktail), still deliberating as to whether to try for baby #3 (have been umming and ahhing since January).
Dh is really keen. I'm dithering for lots of reasons, and the main onea are:
- How will I physically keep up with my very active 5yo and 2yo dds whilst pg?
- A 3rd baby means a 2nd ELCS for me (dd1 born vaginally in 2009; dd2 ELCS 2012). CS was fine but knocked me about for a few weeks. Also worried about developing an overhang after 3 babies and 2 csecs.
- I worry a lot and know risks go up after each csec, so I worry about placenta praevia and accreta (I am a born worrier. It is not fun and completely exhausting)
We have 2 beautiful dds - themselves not easy to conceive. Dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of clomid.
If I did get pg, how would another child impact upon their relationship? They love each other, but bicker terribly at times. How would I split my time between them?
Some days are challenging. I'm sure it's their ages and things should get easier once dd2 turns the next corner in her development (speech/empathy/understanding). If we were to ttc again, it would probably be in the summer so if by some miracle I became pg immediately, dd2 would be at nursery every morning (or close to it) with a newborn at home. That worked well last time.
Sorry, I'm waffling. Did I mention we would have to move house?
I just cant seem to make my mind up one way or the other and it's driving me a bit mad. Not in a bad way - we have 2 children and I'm so thankful for them. No, just mad in the sense that I'd like to either get on with it, or push the idea out of my mind and be done with having babies, iyswim. To stop wistfully looking at my belly and wondering.
I kind of like the fact that my girls are growing together and that dd2 is becoming a child and interacting more with her big sis. Yet, I feel a pang of sadness that it's soon to be time again to put the nappies, pushchairs and daytime naps to bed.
Oh, please help! (Last time I ever start a thread about this, honest )
Go for it! But then I'm biased.
There's a lot to be said for having one or two children, I don't deny that, but for me three and then four just felt right.
I wasn't bothered about it being harder, and more chaotic, and the house being a
lot bit messier.
To me, larger families just always seemed more fun, as I child I used to love going to my friends' houses who had loads of siblings. Yes there will be more bickering, but chances are there'll be more laughter. It was easy for me, I always knew I wanted 4; it must be so difficult if you're not sure.
I was so tired with all of them, but especially with my last..but it's only 40 or so weeks...it's over before you know it.
When I see families of 3 or more at the school gates, it ma.kes me smile, just can't explain it
Unless I'm wrong, it seems that you're leaning a lot more towards a third, than otherwise?
Thanks for your message, Misfitless. You're probably correct to say that I am leaning more towards trying for another, but it's a small margin as I talk myself one way, then another: whenever I think 'let's just see what happens', my head takes over and reminds me of my worries about having more.
I definitely wanted 2. There was no hesitation both times. But I just don't have a strong feeling either way, yet quite like the picture of our 2 girls with a littlest sister, or little brother. We haven't had a boy so far; I would quite like a little boy. But obviously would be delighted to have another dd A gang of three girls would be great.
Also, dh and I are only children, so our girls don't have cousins, aunts, uncles. There isn't anything I can do about aunts/uncles, but if we had another baby, that widens their familial relationships and chances of having an extended family in their futures.
And it took so long to get pg with dd2 - I couldn't go through that again. Maybe that's one of the causes of indecision?
Perhaps you need to do a SWOT analysis and work out what would be the pro's and cons for you. Or do that thing where you look at what you'd like your life to be like in 10 years/20 years time.
It is full on having 2+ DC's but then you get to take loads of shorts cuts without feeling guilty: not ironing, Ocardo, pizza Fridays etc (I'm sure there is more to add to the list)...I think this is also how you survive pregnancy while you have small DC's.
We did think that we'd need a new car with 3DC's, but in the end made it work for about a year, same with moving house (the move keeps getting out off as we like where we live). DC4 is due in the summer so we will need a new car again.
Here's the thing; if something happened tomorrow and you couldn't for whatever reason actually have that third, what is your gut reaction to not doing it?
Mine is sadness, that's why I'm currently TTC #3. I want the big noisy house full of laughter that is crazy but fun.
Reading between the lines, and seeing your other posts, you do want a third and all that comes with it, but you're scared of the TTC thing again as you've struggled before.
You won't know it's going to be a struggle unless you try.....
Wise words, pass! Hope you get a BFP soon!
I think, unless you are dead set against it (which you're not,) just go with it...the more the merrier! You won't regret it, I'm sure, but might regret not giving it a try.
I don't know your personal circumstances, obviously, but there will be pressure when ttc DC3 I would have thought. I imagine that if it's proving difficult with DC2, and you're desperate for a 2nd, there comes a point where you begin to stress that it might not happen.
With DC3, it would be a bonus (if that's how you feel,) if you conceive, but if you don't, you've still got the two DCs that you always wanted. That must surely take the pressure off and make the whole ttc thing a lot less stressful.
Just do it!
I meant a bit of pressure ttc DC2, sorry, not DC3!
Going to answer these post-by-post. I'm doing this on my phone, so I can't scroll back to messages to remubd me what each poster said, sorry
eleventeen: How I see my life in 10 years - I will be 41; dd1 15yo and dd2 12yo. I would like to be supporting them through secondary school, dh and I making enough money to perhaps send them to private school or to have moved to a (bigger) house in the catchment area of an excellent comprehensive secondary (don't know if they're even called that these days - hope you know what I mean). I can possibly see an 8yo or 9yo there.
20 years: Me at 51; dd1 at 25; dd2 at 22yo. It isn't outlandish for me to envisage an 18 or 19yo there, either.
I worry about splitting my attention between the needs of 3 children. A 25yo who has just maybe finished uni or may want to start a family of her own. An 18yo; nights out, beginning adulthood ... I think I could do it, but would want to give my all to each child.
Also eleventeen - we would definitely need to move if we had a 3rd dc We live in a 2 bed cottage and are currently making room with 2 dcs. We can't extend any further. We are in a tiny house in a prime location. Bigger houses cost a lot more, which we could stretch to, but obviously that has ramifications upon disposable income.
Pass: If we couldn't have a third child, I think I'd be disappointed, but not devastated. I would have been devastated to have not had dd2, and was starting to face that reality after 2y of actively ttc and nothing happening (weirdly got pg with her once I began to come to terms with the positive aspects of us just being mom/dad/dd1).
I was quite a mess. I'm so thankful to have the daughters I have - I would let it go if we didn't get lucky again.
Pass, you're right about me being scared to ttc again. I was so elated for 12/18m after dd2 was born that the idea of another baby didn't enter my head. I was relieved to not ttc and for sex to just get back to normal and be about us, and not making a baby (sorry if tmi).
Dd1 took almost a year. Got pg with her, knew immediately after she was born that I wanted another and so went for it when she was 6mo. It didn't haopen again until she was 2.5yo.
Pass - I think I am considering another because I love being pg and the newborn stage. Thinking longer term, the idea of giving another sibling to my daughters is amazing. That in the future they will make their own large family network. That there will be three people who we idolise.
Thank-you, good luck and hope you get pg soon xx
Don't forget though, that they "receive" from each other too. You talk about 'giving your all to each child' but actually, they gain a lot from their sibling.
I don't think anyone else can decide for you, but if it helps, I really like having 3.
I can't explain it logically or rationally though - that's why I'm not sure about the list... if you think about it, rational, logical thought would mean you could probably never afford to have your first, let alone your second, and if you worry too much about all the 'what if's' in life, there's no way anyone would have any children.
Misfitless - I am worried that I might regret not trying. That I'll decide to keep us as a family of four, then when the girls are, say, 10 and 7 and I'm approaching 40 I'll think 'should have at least tried'.
Your advice is precisely what dh says. Pressure is off. I have to admit that I am glad that feeling of desperation isn't there, but I have been concerned that the desire for another isn't genuine because of it's absence.
Maybe I'll always be broody after 'the baby' is almost not a baby any more? Even if that's the case, I think 3 would be my limit. Couldn't keep scratching that itch!
May I ask how soon after your second dc that you started to want/ttc your third?
Thank you all for your lovely, very supportive messages xxx
Am 39 weeks with DC3 so will have to let you know how it goes
I wanted a gang, a lovely noisy loud gang. DD's 1 & 2 get on very well, and I think another one will only add to the affection they have for each other.
BTW I swore I only wanted 2 as had a crappy pregnancy with DD2. I promise when they handed her to me after a speedy birth, MW said "is that you finished" in a smiley way, and I said "oh never say never".
DH virtually shouted "you've changed your bloody tune!"
So very soon!
Back - that's a really good couple of points that you have raised. I didn't even consider that children gain from their siblings. This is most likely because, as an only child, I just don't have any way to relate to this. My close relationships are all about my parents (who have always been central, absolutes in my life); my dh and our dds.
The fact that I have drawn up lists since 2014 began with lots of negatives, and only about 3 - but huge - positives, echoes what you said.
The fact that I am an only child may also explain why I've struggled when they bicker, or when there is discord in the house. I came from a very calm amd quiet household where I was the focus!
Watching siblings interact is a definite learning curve and so beautiful when they get on. Words can't describe it
I am also one of 3 (DH one of 5) and it calms the relationship I have with my DB's. I can always moan about one if the other is bugging me, no one knows each other in the same way we know each other either - not saying we are massively massively close, but we have a different relationship with each other than we do with DParents or Partners.
And we can support each other in different ways.
Go for it! We had twins for number three! Just something to consider. I know a woman who had triplets in her third pregnancy!!!
Also no reason why you can't have a VBAC. I had one for number two and another for number 5 baby.
Hi. Well I won't say "just go for it because only you can make that decision"
What I will say is we are nearly 5 months in with DC 3. I am well into my 40's. Can't say it was a. Conscious decision but I always felt "I had another baby in me"
She was such a surprise, only dtd once (sorry tmi) at the relevant time.
Fantastic pregnancy, if there is such a thing?
Anyway, we are so in love with this little person, it is mind blowing. Yes the house is a mess, the older 2 are loving chicken nuggets and fish fingers a bit too often, we can never envisage a romantic weekend away again but what the heck.
We are pretty maid back this time around, nothing lasts forever. If she is clingy and wants me then great, it's not that long before they are skipping into school saying "I can do it all by my own mummy"
She is enthralled by her older db and ds as they are with her. I love the thought of them all being close when they are older( I can hope)
At the moment we are the Waltons! All may or will change.
I have an overhang of humongous proportions from 3 sections. Will never wear hugging clothes again, will always be running late. So what? It is stressful but pretty amazing at the moment. Ask me again in a few months/ years.
I didn't want any more than two until my DDs were 6 and 4, and suddenly didn't need me in quite the same way. I just realised I wasn't quite done. So along came DD3, and turned our world on its head - in a lovely way. Because she's a bit younger than the other two, they don't 'compete' with her as they do with each other - but they take care of her, read to her, play with her - and she's just started (now aged 4) to go to drama with DD2. This is a big thing because the older two won't do the same classes as each other (need their own turf), but they are happy to share with her. I was one of 2 siblings and so was my DH, so it's new to me to have this amount of chaos - but it's definitely worth it
as long as sleep is not really your thing
I'm pg with #7 so I can't help but saying to go for it.
DS1 was 3.5 and DS2 was 17 months when DS3 was born and the only reason it was hard because of struggling with bf due to undiagnosed tongue tie!
(only found out he had TT when he was 8 months old ffs!)
you can not predict how any relationship will be between siblings - but I think your gaps are fine and I honestly don't think 2 to 3 is that big of a change.
unless you are sure you have to have another C-section do consider a VBAC.
(DS4 was ELSC, DS5 & DD were VBACs so it can be done! )
good luck and will answer more of your Qs later - DD is yelling for me
*May I ask how soon after your second dc that you started to want/ttc your third?
The gap between DC2 and DC3 is 2years and 6 days, then a 2 years and 3 months gap between DC3 and DC4.
Molotov I can relate to finding the bickering difficult. It's a learning curve still, for me too, and I'm not an only child (youngest of two.) I tend to want everyone to get along all the time, which of course is completely unrealistic. I have to stop myself from wading in and interfering, and try to let them work things out for themselves, but it doesn't come as naturally to me as I would like.
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