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Might start trying for a third - big gap

(37 Posts)
okimighthavenamechanged Mon 07-Apr-14 16:39:36

Hello - seems like my husband is finally prepared to consider a third child... After much angst. DC1 is just 6 and DC2 will be 5 in August. I am 39.... Am I totally crazy? We always thought we'd probably have three then husband back-tracked majorly - because of financial reasons and the recession, I think. (We both work in the city and his job is particularly sensitive to financial conditions - but he still has one 6 years after all that).

I've been actively (on and off) campaigning for one since youngest child was one...

Somebody please tell me that DC3 won't feel like an only child with knackered older parents who will be senile before he/she is a teenager...wink. Of course, might not be able to conceive so easily now and husband hasn't yet totally come round (although i suspect he will).

And that DCs 1 and 2 won't resent me/us for bringing a pesky baby into the house and diluting the attention they get.smile

I'm the eldest of 3, by the way. 2 years between me and my nearest sibling and 8 years between me and my youngest. My mother was quite ill for a few years when the youngest sibling was born so think that sibling did suffer from disengaged parents and no siblings close in age to play with.

Maybe I'll have to have another two children in quick succession confused.

I work part time by the way -
'downgraded' my career so I could do something with more reasonable hours that allowed me to spend more time with the children.

Any thoughts??

(By the way, don't think families of 5 are particularly 'large' but this seemed the best place to get friendly advice about having more than two children...)

chopchopquick Mon 07-Apr-14 22:49:47

Hi

I have 2dc that are 20 months apart, they are of school age now. We have always wanted more but very similar to you the circumstances haven't been right. We would like to move in 3/4 years but would like to put as much money towards the house as possible with the hope that I will be able to work part time after we have dc3 (we hope). Currently both have full time jobs with very long commutes. We will then have a massive gap, about 10 years. Exactly how it is for my siblings and I, looking back I was like an only child, it was fine as I didn't know any different but when I look at how our dc now always have someone to play with I don't think we could have just one more. So all being well we hope to have two. I will be a similar age as you are now. I don't relish the thought of being late 30s and having to endure 2 virtually back to back pregnancies and don't particularly want to be an older mum but as we already have 2dc I think it will keep us younger than perhaps starting out for a first baby in the late 30s. There are lots of older mums at the school now anyway. I just hope we are ok to conceive.

Good luck, hope it all works out for you whatever you decide.

Passthebiscuitspls Tue 08-Apr-14 09:49:27

Hey! Our eldest is 6.5yrs and we are TTC #3 if that makes you feel better? Our youngest is 2 so in some ways were still in the vague baby years so it won't be too much of an upheaval in that respect.
I think you just have to go with your heart in this decision. It seems a much bigger decision that having two. My DH has thought of all the practicalities and that's what puts him off I.e. Bigger car, bigger house, harder to find a holiday etc. For me, I just don't feel done and yearn for another. Our children love babies and are always asking for a brother or sister, we have enough room in the house and the car and I think it's right for our family.
I'm totally elated my DH has said yes and I'm hoping it won't be too long a wait! Good luck with persuading your DH and making the decision! Xx

MolotovCocktail Tue 08-Apr-14 18:49:36

I've been posting here for a while (and on Chat) because I seem to be the bloke wrt to ttc #3: dh is so keen (has been since dd2 turned 1yo - she's 2yo this month!) but this time it is me who has considered practicalities .... not to mention the effect of 3 pgs and 2 ELCSs on my body, as well as being their primary carer.

Fwiw, I'm 31yo: dd1 is 5yo and dd2 is almost 2yo. I think I want another baby. I think I'd like to find myself pg by the end of 2014 ... just terrified of making the decision and it being the wrong one, either way (regret vs. biting off more than I can chew).

MolotovCocktail Tue 08-Apr-14 18:52:36

Did I mention that dd2 took 2 years and six cycles of clomid to conceive? I am terrified of admitting 'yes, I'd love another baby' but anothet baby never coming along.

I feel like I used all my lives getting #2, iyswim.

Cakeismymaster Tue 08-Apr-14 21:48:10

I've got dd (dc3) who is 7 mths, I had her when I was 37. My other two dc are 7 and 9. So big age gap! But it's great and I think ideal - elder two are at school and I get time with dd, and older two completely dote on her. Best thing we ever did smile

Mildpanic Tue 08-Apr-14 22:00:58

Well, I have very recently had DC 3 a week before my 43rd birthday. Oldest is 9 youngest is just 5.
9 year old is absolutely smitten, 5 year old is quite taken but flittingly so.
My DH an I are absolutely and totally in love with this little, unexpected surprise.
This wasn't in our big plan. When I hit 40 I wrote off anymore babies. I wasn't even sure I wanted another. But my god we adore her, she is stunning, my family is amazing.
Not for everyone, each mum is different but for me it has worked!

Strongecoffeeismydrug Thu 10-Apr-14 00:38:37

I've just had baby number 3.
She's 2 months, her brother is nine and her sister is 18 wink.
I'm 40 hmm.
So old knackered parents and much older siblings but she's spoilt rotten grin

okimighthavenamechanged Fri 11-Apr-14 10:32:07

Thank you so much for all replying... Very interesting to hear about actual and possible age gaps! Decided to go for it!! Husband has come round. We're not going to try for ages and ages - if it doesn't happen fairly quickly we'll stick with our lovely 2 - but i am VERY excited about the prospect of another little person in our family. I've been really keen on having a third since DC2 was about 16 months so am delighted husband has come round (even if he has done so annoyingly late). Fingers crossed everything goes according to plan now... Thanks again for all your replies xx

3DcAndMe Fri 11-Apr-14 10:34:35

Our 3 are 6, almost 5 and 1. I have much prefered having a 4/5 year gap than just a one year gap!

okimighthavenamechanged Fri 11-Apr-14 14:30:32

Thanks 3DCandMe. Very encouraging... Yeah 16 month gap last time was quite tough. Even though DC2 was an angel and amazing sleeper. Still - 5 and a bit year gap between 2 and 3 if all goes amazingly efficiently this time round....

Tiredemma Fri 11-Apr-14 14:34:02

I have two boys age 10 and 13 and a 7 month old girl.

Girl was a complete surprise, utter shocking surprise.

her big brothers adore her and they are a great help- Im utterly exhausted but honestly she has brought a new breath of fresh air into our home.

okimighthavenamechanged Fri 11-Apr-14 21:18:39

Ah. Lovely to hear tiredmama... Good name wink.

okimighthavenamechanged Fri 11-Apr-14 21:19:02

Sorry blush! Tiredemma!!

okimighthavenamechanged Tue 22-Apr-14 09:58:32

Eeek - pregnant already shock. Remarkably efficient.... (Quickest conception ever! Poor husband wink) Might not stick but I'm feeling optimistic... Passthebiscuits - good luck! Keeping fingers crossed for you xx

Passthebiscuitspls Tue 22-Apr-14 11:35:51

Wowser!! That was amazingly quick! Congrats, fantastic news! So super pleased for you, I'm sure it will stick.

Ha ha, bet your DH was shocked! ;) no going back now!

Fingers crossed I'm next! Xx

okimighthavenamechanged Tue 22-Apr-14 12:55:01

Thanks passthebiscuits! Fingers crossed for you. And everybody else TTC number 3. (The decision to try for a third definitely caused us the most angst - other couples must go through similar processes...) Have now just read that more than 50 % of early pregnancies don't stick in women of my age. I remain stubbornly optimistic!

EllieQ Tue 22-Apr-14 13:14:27

As someone who is the youngest with a large gap between me and my older sisters (6 and 8 years), I'm afraid my perspective is not so positive. I have always felt left out as the 'baby' of the family. My sisters might have enjoyed having a baby to play with, but as teenagers who were expected to babysit instead of spending time with their friends, they were (understandably) resentful.

The large age gap meant we didn't have much in common, and by the time I was a teenager they had left home, so we've never been as close. I felt as though I was an only child and holidays with my parents were lonely. There was some resentment as my parents had more money and gave me more freedom as a teenager than my sisters had had.

My sisters are I get on better now that we are all adults, but I'm not as close to them as they are to each other, and that still hurts a little if I'm completely honest.

Please think about the issues I've mentioned and be more considerate than my parents were.

okimighthavenamechanged Tue 22-Apr-14 14:33:29

Gosh. Well, I have thought about it long and hard. There are similar gaps between me and my siblings (one two years younger, one eight years). I get on extremely well with both and always have done (if you ignore the competitive bickering with my little sister who is two years younger). I was obviously aware that that sort of gap can cause problems but it doesn't always - or cause them in the majority of cases necessarily. Sorry you have had such a miserable time.

Since I'm already pregnant I don't feel in a position to reconsider so have appear to have doomed my two existing children and my (hopefully) future third child. But you might have missed that bit of the thread.

okimighthavenamechanged Tue 22-Apr-14 14:34:08

Excuse typos - on phone...

BadRoly Tue 22-Apr-14 14:38:35

We've ended up with 4dc because dc3 was a dream (lulled us into a false sense of security) and I worried about her being on her own! Just saying grin

BadRoly Tue 22-Apr-14 14:40:35

Oh missed your update - congratulations grin

EllieQ Tue 22-Apr-14 16:53:53

I did miss that you were pregnant - congratulations. But I stand by what I said. Your experience of a big age gap would have been quite different to mine, as you had a sibling close to your age (something I always wanted).

It's true that my parents didn't handle the issues that well (something I've only realised as an adult). Some of it was due to things out of their control - I would have loved to bring my best friend on holiday with me, but my parents never suggested it. I think they wouldn't have been able to afford it, and I suspect her mum wouldn't have been able to afford to pay for her to join us. But they just didn't think about the resentment my sisters felt having to look after me, how lonely I was at times (they didn't do many days out or activities, so I spent a lot of the school holidays at home, usually reading), that kind of thing.

I decided to post because I've read through several threads where the OP has asked a similar question, and all the responses have been positive and mentioned things like 'your older children will adapt, and it will be easier for you as they can help out'. No-one ever seems to think about whether the older children will end up resentful of the baby, or how it feels to be the youngest by several years and feel left out of everything exciting that your older siblings are doing, or never having a close relationship with siblings that they have with each other simply because you didn't spend that much time living together at home. As in my previous post, I hope you and your DH can be more considerate and thoughtful than my parents were.

okimighthavenamechanged Tue 22-Apr-14 17:13:22

I'm really sorry you feel your parents were so inconsiderate. I thought you meant it was inconsiderate to even have another child if there's an age gap of 5 years. Which upset me a bit.

My youngest sibling doesn't seem to feel like you did so maybe my parents had a different attitude. I certainly remember my younger siblings' friends joining their camping holidays when I felt 'too grown-up' for a family holiday, for example. And we both loved it when the youngest sibling came to visit for weekends when i was at university - my mum put the youngest on a non-stop coach at one end and I collected at the other.

Anyway, I do appreciate there are issues to handle. However, I have a more volatile relationship with the sibling who is closer in age so I guess quite a bit can come down to personalities as well as age gaps and birth order.

Misfitless Tue 22-Apr-14 19:32:40

Congratulations, OK smile!

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