3rd dc left out?

(20 Posts)

Mine are now 9, 7 and early 5, two girls and a boy. Initially DD1 was unbelievably jealous of DD2 and did everything she could think of to upset her. This lasted until DD1 was 5 or 6. When DS was born DD1 ADORED him and for a couple of years she focussed unbelievable amounts of time and energy on entertaining him. But when he got to about three and entered wrecking mode just as she was getting quite meticulous about life she went off him a bit. Now DD1 and DD2 are closer than I ever imagined possible, but DD1 doesn't necessarily want to play with DD2 that much, DD1 she likes to read and potter and make things. Often in the evenings the DDs will be curled up in bed together reading or giggling until I enforce lights out whereas DS passes out the moment his head touches the pillow. DD2 and DS play a lot together and are super close and sweet (although also at times explosive with fury), but I don't see DD1 as left out, just preferring her own company. Both DD2 and DS will drop each other like a shot if DD1 indicates that she will play with either of them, so I suppose one of the little ones will get a bit left out at that point, but often that's because they like doing different things - e.g. DD1 and DS enjoy looking for bugs, gardening and spend hours with the chickens etc, but DD2 less interested in that stuff so she does other things with DD1 without DS.

The changing factions are not necessarily a bad thing I think, they get different things from each other. I would only worry if one seemed to be permanently excluded by the other two rather than the ever changing allegiances. They are all quite a little team most of the time and at others all three will be trying to kill each other at the same time without leaving anyone out!

fancyanotherfez Sun 23-Feb-14 22:16:24

I only have 2, and the problem I have is that my DS1 is now at school and plays with his older friends, my DS2 feels left out. He wants to do things with his big brother but hes not old enough for Beavers or swimming. If there were 3, at least there are always 2 left behind to play! trying to deny my desperate need for DC3 really, really badly!!

ThinkIMmad Sat 22-Feb-14 22:35:35

No although my middle are twins so they will always have each other smile

creamandsugar Sat 22-Feb-14 18:15:26

Fullpleatherjacket that's definitely the case in this house too. If one of the three is gone out the 2 left behind usually get on ok. It's when the 3Rd comes home that when the craziness starts!
Although in saying that Ds who's the middle child and dd2 who's younger than him seem to always be crying for dh and my attention. !
For example if I'm talking to Ds,Dd2 will b over in a shot climbing up my leg crying or will just push ds away. This is the same if I was talking to dd2, ds would b over shouting!
But dd1 never seems to b bothered.
There's roughly the same age gap between them all, about 16mths.

My cousins are three boys, about 18months between each one. Middle boy was the odd one out but that was down to his personality being drastically different to his brothers and also being hyper intelligent and very sickly so I wouldn't necessarily worry, all dependent on the individuals

Fullpleatherjacket Sat 22-Feb-14 13:18:31

I found it got better as the littlest one got older and more capable of joining in.

I also found that a combo of any two played well together but the ructions started when the third whoever it was returned from party or club at least for a while. Might just have been mine though grin

NaturalBaby Sat 22-Feb-14 13:01:16

Our middle child often takes himself off on his own. He's doing it at school as well so it might just be his personality. Ds3 is only just starting to play properly with them so the dynamics are changing slowly.

We also put him with ds1 to be 'the big two' or ds3 to be 'the little two'!

workingonitagain Sat 22-Feb-14 12:55:46

mine are 4, 2 and 3 month all boys but ds1 and2 are very different and don't get on too well i havexa feeling that that they will both get on better with ds3

creamandsugar Wed 19-Feb-14 22:33:26

Thanks for all the replies!
I'll definitely do as you do misfitless and if they deliberately exclude one ,ill tell them to play altogether or not at all.
Hopefully this will work!

For us it's more the reverse problem -- that the middle one rarely gets time and attention on her own. She's either paired up with DC1 as "the big two" or paired up with DC3 as "the little two".

drivenfromdistraction Wed 19-Feb-14 15:31:13

My 3 are 6, 4 and 2 and all play together. No-one gets left out, sometiems one chooses to do their own thing.

imip Wed 19-Feb-14 15:27:51

I have 4dds 7, 5, 3 and 2. The are elements of one being left out, but that is usually due to age (I'm effectively talking about the oldest three as the baby just turned two and plays well with the 3yo, but can't really play with 7 and 5yo - think teachers/princess-type games).

Sometimes they pair of in twos, they don't particularly leave one out, it just happened that way and they are all guilty of it. Sometimes dd1 and 2 play. They are effectively excluding dd3 but she doesn't realise it and plays along side them without realising! When dd3 is left out, it is usually because her level of understanding is lower and they see her as a baby. But more and more, she is included on equal terms. She will start reception in sept, and I expect them that she will become a full member of the sisterhood smile

My concerns of one being left out is a little different. Dd2 is currently being evaluated/diagnosed with what I think is ASD, but who knows what the psych will come back with! I am concerned that she will be left out at some point. Already her behaviour has a negative impact of family dynamics so I am hoping that this process will lead us somewhere to helping all the dds.

littlepeas Wed 19-Feb-14 13:42:17

I have 3 - ds5, dd4, ds2 - they are all close and play together, individually and in different groups of 2. I am not going to worry myself about it too much. I don't think we'll have another - and, in fact, if we did I think it would be the 4th dc that would be left out as they would be much younger than my existing gang, who were 3 under 3.

Mumof3xx Wed 19-Feb-14 08:02:04

A fourth wouldn't be practical for us

But is practical necessary?

creamandsugar Wed 19-Feb-14 08:00:43

Mine are Girl, boy, girl.
We are undecided about having forth, dh days if we could choose it would b a boy,as we've 2 girls already.
I came from a family of 5 kids. And I got on better with my brother as he was closer in age to me rather than my 3 older sisters. Now that we're older we all get on just about great ;-)

Mumof3xx Wed 19-Feb-14 07:36:56

I wonder about this

Mine are 6, 4.9 and 10 months

Older two are boys, baby a girl

I worry she will be left out firsts due to age and second due to gender

Aldwick Wed 19-Feb-14 07:34:28

Mine are 6/4/2 and I find it's the eldest who gets left out because he is not as good as the 4 year old at playing games at a 2 year old level. I'm sure it will ebb and flow their whole lives though - and I am not having a 4th so they need to work it out somehow!

Misfitless Wed 19-Feb-14 06:44:43

My youngest three are 8, 6 and 4.

Yes sometimes, but it's not always the same two that play together, and very often all 3 play together, so the negatives in that respect are far out weighed by the positives.

Mine are DS, DD and DD.

I think if you only had 2 DCs, there would be times when they didn't want to play together, but obviously this would never be seen as being left out.

When there are three, and two are playing together, it is not necessarily the case that one is deliberately being excluded....it might be that the game two are playing only appeals to two of them, or one just wants to play by themselves/do something different, IYSWIM.

Any deliberate exclusion usually occurs when DDs start a game together, DS hears them playing, asks to play and is told "NO!"

If that happens I say they either all play or none of them play! Not sure if that's good parenting or not, but it's what I do! smile

DoNotDisturb Tue 18-Feb-14 22:57:58

I've had a similar worry as kids tend to pair off. It's another tick in the box in my debate for having four ha ha. grin

creamandsugar Tue 18-Feb-14 22:31:23

Anyone have 3dc and find that one is always left out? We have 3dc under 5. At the moment the 2 older ones get on great. The youngest is 21 mths and is too young anyway to play much with them but afraid when theyre older one will be left out.
I know even if we had a 4th dc they might not even get on sad

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