Am I selfish(21 Posts)
Hi I hope I can ask this question without people thinking I'm mad ha ha. I've got 4dc, 3 girls age 13 , 11 and 11 months and a bog age 7. My dh works fill time I work 16 hrs and we live in a 3 bedroom house. I had a baby last January and she completed our family and people thought we were,ad having another but I'm sooooo broody. I would love another but am I being selfish?? I haven't spoken to my dh but it's constantly on my mind, I'm still breast feeding my dd and I'm only 32 but I'm scared I ll be judged by people and family. Is if so bad to want another? I had an ovarian ectopic pregnancy 2 years ago And can't bare the idea of not ever having another baby in my life. The kids adore my dd and are such fantastic kids they just love doing things for her I know they d be thrilled too. Please can people tell he what they think. Thanks in advance x
There isn't enough space with 3 bedrooms. Can you afford to move to a bigger place. If not, then I don't think it is fair to bring another child into the family.
Do you have enough time/money/space for another child? Only you and your DH can really know the answer to those things for sure but if you feel you can provide well for another without your other dc's suffering then I don't think it's selfish at all (well no more so than anyone ever having a child is!)
Big families can be fantastic
hi Claire129 i think you should do what you want to do no one can sit here and tell you the right answer i dont think its selfish at all i wouldnt worry about being judged my family and friends its your life hun x
how big are your bedrooms OP? if you have 3 double rooms then possibly you'd have space for another - assuming they have other play space?
I have 3DC currently with a large double and large single between them. we are hoping to have one more which will mean either 2 girls in the double and boys in bunks in the single or 3 boys in the double and 1 girl in the single. I would only consider this appropriate as we have a large (double room sized) playroom for them plus a generous garden - kids need space. so if you had 2 large doubles between them it might work?
also consider the financials - is your car big enough, impact on holidays, cost of family trips, uniform, food etc.
you need to talk to your DH - does he think you are done? He may not want more which takes the whole idea 9out of the window!
This is something I am dealing with as well at the moment. I have 4, 2 b's and 3 g's. And I would love to have another - I feel it very keenly and get quite emotional when I think that I won't ever do it again - I am 33 but 4 IS a big family - especially with the finances of having a family in the UK. Currently we live in the Middle East which has some benefits, in that the houses are generally larger but I know we are going to have a problem when we come back to the UK. I would love another baby. I think that it must be part of my nature to want one. I don't think I will ever stop wanting but since I have realised that I feel that in the interests of my other children and future financial difficulties I have to come to terms with it. Mine are 6,5,4 and 2 so 4 in four years and I have loved every minute of it (don't be mistaken - they drive me potty and are not perfect, neither am I)... I often think that I could have just 1 more... and maybe I will... but it will have an impact on my family - my one-to-one time with them and on my finances so it is selfish... we can but dream...
Big bedrooms, small bedrooms, playrooms. Pah!! They don't matter a jot. I'm a strong believer in 'making it work'
You will always find a way to make it work. We have just decided to ttc #4. We live in a 3 bed mid terrace, 2 double rooms and a small odd L shaped room. Dd is the oldest (aged 8) and has the 2nd bedroom, ds1&2 (aged 3&7). Dc4 will go into dd's room, well that's the basic plan. Dc4 will be in our room for quite a while first.
If you want another bsby, and your dp/dh is on board then go for it! Live with no regrets x
We don't have a playroom either. The kids play in the living room or their bedrooms. Our garden is large but a bomb site thanks to the strong winds of late so they can't play there. They can however play on the driveway (gated and secure)
Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. I spoke to my dh and he wants another too and so very pleased. Still very nervous about tellung people when or if i get pregnant but got my dh for support. Still breastfeeding my dd and had no period since havingher so probably wont happen for some time but so glad i asked you all and am taking all your comments in board xxx
Thank u cherrypie ive just re read this as we are trying now and u have mafe me feel so good about it all Xxx
What do the other children think? Can you ford a bigger car?
I think all of us having dc for "selfish" reasons!!! It's because we want them after all - not for the good of mankind.
Glad you and your dh both want the same thing
Random - that's a good point a actually!
I def. had 4 dcs for selfish reasons. I always wanted 4, even in my desperately-avoiding-pregnancy 20's.
My first daughter was very sadly stillborn. In the next pregnancy, we risked a 20% chance that we'd lost the baby. She survived, and I had three subsequent dcs. The last four pregnancies were high risk, involved a cervical stitch and 9 months of HG. I still just wanted 4. I had 4 c-sections too...
As I was 34 in my first pregnancy (after infertility) I rushed the five births in 5 years and 20 days.
Insanity really, but I wanted 4 dcs. Dh went along for the ride! I'd like to think I was just very ambitious and determined however, selfish may actually be the word!
Imip - what made you "always want 4"? My (childless) best friend always tells me that while she's not ready for kids yet, she definitely wants 4. I'm like try to have 1 first!
We're in number 4 discussions but it seems to have gradually creeped up on me, iyswim. Ie each time I've had a baby, I've said that's it, no more! Then got broody again
And sorry to hear about your daughter
I really dont know. I had four siblings but a pretty shitty upbringing. I still loved having lots of siblings, despite our challenging upbringing (violence, alcoholism). i wish I knew why.
If I try to speculate, maybe I am trying to recapture a childhood I never had? I don't mean that in a weird way, but that it is somehow restorative to have children in a lovely, noisy environment. Turns out having four dcs is bloody hard work, but it may be more down to their ages and small gaps.
After losing my first daughter, it actually made me really focus on having four kids, having the family I wanted, I guess.... I also decided to be a sahm then. I can't really pin point it, perhaps I am just stubborn! Dh says I only know how to do things the hard way .
Oh, and after each child; I've never said that's it... I've always planned the next one, I was sterilised after my fourth surviving dc, I knew I'd keep going....
I don't think you're being selfish as if you feel that you have enough love to give another child and you have the finances to support another then you're on the way there. But, there's no rush. You're only 32 so you have years of fertility left. You don't have to make a decision for a while. Why not leave it for a year or so and see if you still have that burning urge then. I was 34 when I had my first, so to me, you have years ahead to pop them out!
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