Would u keep trying til u got a boy and a girl?

(42 Posts)
Scottishgal Mon 05-Aug-13 23:03:05

Ive just been thinking about it. I think im just beibg silly but my dp has a ds and a dd to his ex. I have no children. We plan to have our own in a couple of year. And I know nit sounds stupid but im worrying myself sick incase I don't have boy and girl because then one of his other children would be the different/special one. I would seriously consider to keep going until I got one of each. Has anyone else done it?

coffeeaddict11 Thu 15-Aug-13 20:58:55

Of course men stick around when women trap them. Ita really hard for them to leave. Id say most men who are in long term relationships are there only because of the children. Walking away is easier said than done

And, as for her trapping him, what a load of tosh. Men do not stick around just because their partner is pregnant, if he is spinning this shit he has problems too.

From your thread, going on that alone i would say you are not ready to even consider having children yet and even if you do you need to find someone who doesn't have children of his own as clearly have a problem with competiveness.

People shouldn't have children to score points.

NAR4 Wed 14-Aug-13 10:19:06

Your dp will always have a connection with his ex because he has children with her. Agree with all previous posts that ALL children are special, regardless of gender. If you find it all too much and feel so competitive with your dps ex, you will never be truly happy in your relationship. Don't be drawn into a level of petty bickering, especially where the children are concerned.

Inkspellme Thu 08-Aug-13 09:28:41

Another user of condoms here. In a 23 year relationship. think that Counts as Long term.

there seems to be a lot of Issues to be sorted before you consider More children In this situation.

I do hope you are young as that would explain a lot and give You time to wait ........ and Mature. .

FourGates Thu 08-Aug-13 08:43:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gyllenhaalic Thu 08-Aug-13 08:26:57

Oh I'm even more convinced you should not be having children yet OP. This is a ridiculous situation to begin with. Your comment that his children shouldn't have happened makes you sound bitter, resentful and actually very unpleasant. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW THEY WERE CONCEIVED. They are his children. His responsibility for life. Him and his ex will always be in contact, always have to discuss the children, see each other at birthdays, Christmas etc. This isn't going to go away if you manage to have one boy and one girl. They won't suddennly be less important to him because you have 'matched' her. It's not a fuckinng game. As for your comments on not wanting her to have something you haven't. You sound like a spoilt, childish fool. She'll always have something you won't... HERS and HIS 2 children. Just like you'll have YOURS and HIS children. They are different children. Entirely unique. I have 2 boys. Totally different. Totally amazing in different ways.

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 07-Aug-13 14:30:03

Skirting around the whole condom/trapping issue for a minute - your own DC will not make DP's existing children any less special to him. You do know that don't you?

If you can't cope with that, then you really need to be looking for a new partner with no existing children.

DizzyPurple Wed 07-Aug-13 14:25:01

Plenty of people don't like the pill etc. we used condoms only for many years until we were ready to ttc. Think you need to think about all this a bit more carefully. Certainly don't rush into getting pregnant. He sounds irresponsible if that's his attitude to his actual children you may find yourself single with your kids in the future if you're not careful while he tells his new girlfriend it was all your fault...

MaryKatharine Wed 07-Aug-13 14:16:52

Eh, I' ve been married for 14yrs and we use condoms as a method of contraception. We have 4 children and each time when we wanted another, it was so easy just to stop using condoms. Plus it meant nobody was putting hormones into their body long term

I would be far more likely to be on the pill if I was single as I'd want to take responsibility for my own contraception. But I'd also be insisting on condoms too.

I really think you need to consider lots of things here before you decide to have a baby with this man. Firstly, can you be a good, not adequate but good, step-mother to his other 2 children? Secondly, can he (and if you marry that means both of you) afford to support 3 or 4 or 5 children?

Thirdly, she is and will always be in his life because she is the mother of his children. You need to examine whether you can live with that. Not try to better it but live alongside it.

Oh dear!
You sound very immature. Are you sure you should breed? hmm

FrussoHathor Wed 07-Aug-13 12:19:00

I have never known them to be the choice of contraception to people in a long term relationship.
Most of the couples I know have condoms in the house.

It will jump to the conclusion that you are with a man who "doesn't like wearing condoms" in which case he is in part responsible.

Just a question is there 2-3 years between the DSCs

FrussoHathor Wed 07-Aug-13 12:14:20

* but she decidee to bring another child into the horrendous relationship not him* and she made him have sex with her too.
Once is bad judgement. Twice just doesn't tally.

Scottishgal Wed 07-Aug-13 12:12:11

I know condoms are to prevent pregnancies for crying out loud what im saying is I have never known them to be the choice of contraception to people in a long term relationship.

Scottishgal Wed 07-Aug-13 12:10:41

I agree contraception is not just a woman's responsibility but when two people discuss whos going to be responsible for it that person should be responsible for it until they say otherwise. He trusted her when he shouldn't have but hes not a mind reader he gave her the benefit of the doubt

FrussoHathor Wed 07-Aug-13 12:09:21

I'm married and we use condoms so that we don't have more babies

Couples use condoms as a form of contraception, bacause that is what condoms are for. If you are unaware of that you really must be quite immature.

Scottishgal Wed 07-Aug-13 12:08:17

Why should someone take the pill in a relationship? So they don't get pregnant in a monogamous relationship. . People generally use condoms to prevent stis. I don't know anybody that would choos condoms as a form of contraception in a long term relationship. Why should he use condoms when she told him she was on the pill? He told trusted her not to do it again bad judgement on his part but she decidee to bring another child into the horrendous relationship not him

MaryKatharine Wed 07-Aug-13 12:07:51

Not sure what you mean re condoms. We have 4 children and my DH is using condoms until October when he will have his vasectomy. I can see the point if you are in a long term, committed relationship and you both decide that only one of you with take responsibility. If you decide the woman will take responsibility then the man must be 100% sure that their relationship is based on trust. Theirs clearly wasn't so he should have been using condoms to ensure he had no more children at that point.

Condoms are not just to help prevent STIs. They are also to help prevent unwanted pregnancies. You make it sound as though the children were her fault. He is equally to blame. Contraception is not just a woman's responsibility.

PeterParkerSays Wed 07-Aug-13 12:02:10

"And I ddon't see why anybody would wear condoms when there in a relationship with someone why should he?"

Swap the words "wear condoms" for "take the pill" and see if your view changes....

Scottishgal Wed 07-Aug-13 11:55:14

He loves his kids and has took responsibility for both of them and pays for them sees them etc. He kniws its nottheir fault. And I ddon't see why anybody would wear condoms when there in a relationship with someone why should he? She told him she wouldn't do it again but she did. Like I said this is not just coming from him. And I guess im insecure as I don't have children of my own and don't know the reality. How I think he already has boy and a girl and won't be excited for ours itll be nothing different. I know deep down its nonsense but can't get itnout of my head

MaryKatharine Wed 07-Aug-13 11:15:12

You sound like a bunch of teenagers! He should have taken responsibility for his own contraception if he felt that strongly. If he had decided that she 'trapped' him first time then why would he continue to trust her with contraception?
Oh and she hardly trapped him at all, did she? Considering he left when he found out she was pregnant a second time. hmm

If you do end up having children with him, your children should not, and will not trump his older two. You will need to grow up and step up to the mark to be a decent step mother to the older two. Learn to treat them as yours when they are visiting, share Christmas budgets between 4 children etc.
Have you considered what being a step-parent actually entails? You really need to think carefully about it all before bringing more children into the equation.

lottieandmia Wed 07-Aug-13 11:07:13

The situation of how his other children came to be born is totally irrelevant here.

lottieandmia Wed 07-Aug-13 11:04:55

You're going to have to stop seeing your dp's other family as competition for you or any children you may have, otherwise you are going to stir trouble from the outset and none of you will ever be happy.

Why are you so insecure? What you should be doing is trying to have a good relationship with your dp's children so that your own children will also have a good relationship with them - that will be very important for them as they grow up. Why do you wish to be so divisive?

And nobody should ever have a child unless they would be happy regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl.

If she'd stopped taking her pill once he must have known she might do it again, he had the choice to wear a condom but chose not to.

I have 2 boys & they're both special.

FrussoHathor Wed 07-Aug-13 10:52:26

OP how long have you been with dp? And how long has he been split from his ex?

It seems from your last post that it is still very recent and very raw for for dp.

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