Would u keep trying til u got a boy and a girl?(42 Posts)
Ive just been thinking about it. I think im just beibg silly but my dp has a ds and a dd to his ex. I have no children. We plan to have our own in a couple of year. And I know nit sounds stupid but im worrying myself sick incase I don't have boy and girl because then one of his other children would be the different/special one. I would seriously consider to keep going until I got one of each. Has anyone else done it?
No, I wouldn't keep trying.
When you have your babies, you will see that whether they are a boy or a girl you will love them fiercely.
The combination of boy boy, girl girl, boy girl - whatever - just doesn't matter. You don't get a choice so just don't waste your time worrying about stuff you can't control.
You're concerned that one of his children might be more 'special' than yours? Can you clarify what that means? Not sure what to make of your OP.
Because it sounds like you're saying you are keen to remove any current specialness from his DC to your own is what I mean. And I'm really hoping I've misunderstood because that's so for them.
These are your DPs children you are trying to compete with?????? Would he really want children with you if he knew you were so petty.
No I wouldn't keep trying. I don't think you're quite understanding what it means to have children to be honest. I may be wrong but in your op you sound a little immature to be thinking of even havig children if this is genuinely how you feel. Having 2 of the same sex or one of each or 3 all the same gender and one different does not in any way make them any more or less special. I don't understand how you could think that. They are all special individuals. All unique. You sound a little bit like you are resentful that he already has children and you want to compete with them. Not healthy.
OP I think you need to have a serious think if you want to be in a relationship and have children with a man who already has children.
No good can come of this competitiveness that you feel with his ex, and with his children. You will not be the one coming out on top.
Its not so much the children its more his ex. Both of his kids weren't meant to happen she tried to trap hin. Worked the first time obviously. I don't want her to haveananything I don't I know it aounds petty but she really is petty and would remind me for the rest of my life!
No, that's silly. Just rise above it.
I do agree with Frusso too - it seems to be a real issue for you that he has children with someone else. I would seriously consider getting some help with this before you have children, or leaving him and having children with somebody who doesn't have any. It's not fair on ANY of the children for you to be comparing them or comparing yourself with his ex at all.
Also "tried to trap him" - is that what he told you? Massive red flag, the old "my ex is a crazy bitch" line. Why is she so involved anyway? Reminding you for the rest of your life? Sounds like they're not really over each other to me. Leave them to it!
How old are you op? You sound very insecure and far too immature to be thinking of children.
I hope for the sake of his children you decide to wait and grow up, your attitude is where the stereotype of the wicked stepmother comes from.
Children are not possessions, there is no degrees of specialness or any kind of ranking system.
A parents job is to do their best to raise their children and to hope that they have something positive to offer the world.
All this bile about not wanting her to have something you don't sounds like a child who is jealous of their friends toy.
You sound like you would begrudge you partners children having anything. As for all this trapping him
Business, does any part of you think that this is the truth?
She tried to trap him. Twice? That's not trapping him, that's having a family with him.
Is that your term or his?
If it is his how do you think he will describe you of you got pregnant or have children with him?
To say that both of his kids weren't meant to happen is a horrid thing to say. They did happen. And much as it may shock you dp would have had sex with ex for them to be conceived, it it wasn't meant to happen he wouldn't have had sex with her without taking control of contraception.
Having children with someone who already has children is not about competition with the ex, or matching numbers of gender, it's about your whole family growing. And if you don't see dps children as part of your family, there is more of a problem than the gender of future children.
I struggle to understand how you would go about determining the gender of your babies.
You say you would seriously consider to keep going until I got one of each unless by luck you had a one gender followed by the other, you wouldn't just have one of each, you could end up with 5 boys before you had a girl, so you have 4 boys that you'd rather didn't exist?
It doesn't work like that I'm afraid, You can't control gender. I have 2dds and 1ds, because i wanted 3 children.
If ds had been a girl it would have made no difference.
I know she did trap him because I have read texts from her to dp in which he showed me to prove it. She stopped taking the pill on purpose to trap him and it worked as he stayed with her for his child. Henhad tried to make it work and then she stopped taking the pill behind his back again. As soon she announced she 'missed the pill' after the second child he left her straight away so she couldnt trap him with any more kids. I have seen texts off her saying how she thought having another kid would make him stay but it actually done the opposite. So that's not just coming from dp
So you want to have a family with someone who sees his first too as disposable if you last post is true?
OP how long have you been with dp? And how long has he been split from his ex?
It seems from your last post that it is still very recent and very raw for for dp.
If she'd stopped taking her pill once he must have known she might do it again, he had the choice to wear a condom but chose not to.
I have 2 boys & they're both special.
You're going to have to stop seeing your dp's other family as competition for you or any children you may have, otherwise you are going to stir trouble from the outset and none of you will ever be happy.
Why are you so insecure? What you should be doing is trying to have a good relationship with your dp's children so that your own children will also have a good relationship with them - that will be very important for them as they grow up. Why do you wish to be so divisive?
And nobody should ever have a child unless they would be happy regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl.
The situation of how his other children came to be born is totally irrelevant here.
You sound like a bunch of teenagers! He should have taken responsibility for his own contraception if he felt that strongly. If he had decided that she 'trapped' him first time then why would he continue to trust her with contraception?
Oh and she hardly trapped him at all, did she? Considering he left when he found out she was pregnant a second time.
If you do end up having children with him, your children should not, and will not trump his older two. You will need to grow up and step up to the mark to be a decent step mother to the older two. Learn to treat them as yours when they are visiting, share Christmas budgets between 4 children etc.
Have you considered what being a step-parent actually entails? You really need to think carefully about it all before bringing more children into the equation.
He loves his kids and has took responsibility for both of them and pays for them sees them etc. He kniws its nottheir fault. And I ddon't see why anybody would wear condoms when there in a relationship with someone why should he? She told him she wouldn't do it again but she did. Like I said this is not just coming from him. And I guess im insecure as I don't have children of my own and don't know the reality. How I think he already has boy and a girl and won't be excited for ours itll be nothing different. I know deep down its nonsense but can't get itnout of my head
"And I ddon't see why anybody would wear condoms when there in a relationship with someone why should he?"
Swap the words "wear condoms" for "take the pill" and see if your view changes....
Not sure what you mean re condoms. We have 4 children and my DH is using condoms until October when he will have his vasectomy. I can see the point if you are in a long term, committed relationship and you both decide that only one of you with take responsibility. If you decide the woman will take responsibility then the man must be 100% sure that their relationship is based on trust. Theirs clearly wasn't so he should have been using condoms to ensure he had no more children at that point.
Condoms are not just to help prevent STIs. They are also to help prevent unwanted pregnancies. You make it sound as though the children were her fault. He is equally to blame. Contraception is not just a woman's responsibility.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.