Can't decide ...(9 Posts)
Hi, I'm posting here because, although going from 2 to 3 children isn't exactly what I'd call a 'larger' family, it certainy is a medium-sized family and I'm hoping I'll receive useful advice from people on this forum.
I'm 30yo: we have 2 DDs aged 4.1yo and almost 1yo. Both desperately wanted and who took a while to conceive (DD1 naturally after 9 months of TTC; DD2 after six cycles of Clomid and 2y TTC).
Now, DD2 is 1yo next month and DH has told me a couple of times recently that he is broody and would like another DC. I'm hesitating and I'm going to list my reasons (in no particular order):
? I can't ever 'actively' TTC again. I'm scarred after our experience trying for DD2. If I did get pg again, it really would be a case of nature having just taken it's course. (That is, if I was lucky enough to ever conceive again. I don't think making babies is instant with DH and I.)
? I had a long and traumatic labour with DD1. I had an ELCS with DD2. Another baby would likely be another ELCS delivery. Whilst I much preferred my ELCS, I can't deny that it did knock me about for a couple of
weeks. I wasn't 'back to normal' for about 8 weeks and didn't feel completely myself until about 12 weeks after. I think about how I'd manage taking DD1 to school and looking after DD2. I've said this is DH but I dot think he really understands what I'm talking about (prob because
I just got on with it after DD2's birth, and had the luxury of DD1 not being school-age then).
? Age gaps: I love the 3.2yr age gap between our girls. I'd prefer at least a 2yr, preferably 2-and-a-half year
gap ... But then I think of how difficult it was to get pg last time, and I'm back to square one.
? We are lucky to have a baby and a child with good temperaments. However, when they both need me, it's tiring. I wonder how is stretch myself to look after 3 and give them equal and adequate attention (it's basically just me during the day). I'm also concerned how I'd
manage in late pregnancy and early post-partum, not being able to hop, skip, dash and jump after them, IYSWIM.
? Our 2 feel like 'partners' already. How would a third child likely affect this relationship? Would a third child feel left out? What if we had a boy; would he feel on his own with 2 big sisters?
But then, I adore our daughters, loved my pregnancies, love babies and watching them grow. And I keep returning to thinking about how lucky I'd be if I just got pg, you know? Sorry forth long ramble, but any advice
to stop me thinking in circles would be greatly appreciated.
Oh nuts, the question marks were supposed to be bullet points. Sorry about that!
We've got 3 girls: DD1 8yrs, DD2 5yrs, DD3 5 weeks. we thought long and hard about number 3 and we're so glad we went with it! She has slotted right in and the older two love her to bits. However, I wish that we had a smaller age gap between DD2 & 3 as i feel that she is a bit tagged on at the end. So much so that i'm trying to convince DH to ttc DC4 ideally in a years time so we have a 2-3 yr gap.
I have no experience of CS or difficulty ttc but I do agree when others say that you never regret the children you have, only the ones you didnt.
DD1 & 2 are both at school and actually this forces me to be super organised to get up and out in the morning. DH only took 4 days off for paternity leave so when DD3 was 5 days old I was doing the school run myself! After the first day it was fine.
Attention wise its just the same as when you have two children and have to split yourself between them. I'm one of 3 and never felt I received any less attention than friends from smaller families.
Early days with us, but if I was able to do anything differently it would be to have had DD3 earlier and therefore have a smaller age gap, although I appreciate that this is something that can't always be planned!
Instead of actively trying to concieve (which I can understand must be stressfull for you), could you just stop using contraception for the next year before taking things up a level (maybe then use clomid and ovulation predictors).
I think you would manage just fine with three and will find you always have enough love to go around and somehow make enough time.
Although you are worried how you will manage the school run, on the up side it does mean you will still only have two at home to care for all day (and you managed that last time). You don't say if you have to drive to school or how far away it is. Do you have any family or friends who could help if you had another CS?
I have 5 DCs and it is true that all pregnancies, labours and recoveries are different. You might find you bounce back really quickly if you have another, so don't let the long recovery last time put you off.
Now you know what to expect from a CS you can plan and make arrangements that will help you.
Even though you would like a 2.5yr age gap, would you rule out having another if it took longer? This might take the pressure off and hopefully things will eventually happen by themselves. You are only 30, so have time to let nature take its course, if this is your preferred route.
If you decide you don't want any more DCs then you need to let your DH know and the reasons why. I'm sure he would understand.
Thanks for your replies. Buttons, congrats on your new baby and for sharing your experiences
NAR4, lots of useful things to think about there, thank-you. DH understands how stressful TTC was last time (it was hard on him, too). I think he would prefer to stop using contraception and just see what happens.
School is a 15 minute walk or 5 min drive. We are looking to move though, as our house is currently too small for our needs with 2 DCs, so if a third DC came along, we would definitely needed to have moved already. We're taking our time as we'd like to stay in the area (house size shouldn't be an issue as we've decided to make a move before the end of this year).
Yes, family and friends are on-hand after another CS.
After re-reading my OP, I wasn't clear about the age-gap, sorry. I'd like at least a 2 or 2.6 year age gap and I don't mind a larger one up to 4 years or so. Have to consider the age gap between DD1 and a third DC and after reading Buttons post, I wouldn't want the 'tagged on' feeling as I'm pretty sure that 3 would be our limit (finances, age and not keen on having a few CSs!)
Maybe I just need more time? DD2 is still so young and I am really, really enjoying her being a baby (and almost a toddler!) Very exciting - and trying to decide is not a 'problem' as such, in the grand scheme of things.
I'm sure it will be easier for you to decide as your youngest DD gets older. She is only a baby still, like you say.
Yes, thanks I just remember wanting another baby when DD1 was about 6mo, and ttc from then. I definitely, absolutely knew I wanted another. I'd hear friends saying 'oh, I'm not ready just yet' or 'there's no way I'd cope with another just yet' and not being able to relate to them. Of course, the longer it took, the more desperate for her I became.
I just can't go through that again. It made me depressed, I think; too preoccupied to be the best Mom I could be. DD1's toddler stage kind of passed me by because of my, sadness, I suppose, over how long DD2 was taking to show her shiney face.
So, anyway, I digress. I can now relate to what friends had said about not being ready but I'm caught between feeling like that, then deciding I'd actually quite like another baby, and then it taking ages again, or not happening at all.
You never know, it might not be that difficult to get pregnant again! It took me clomid and 18mths to get pregnant with DD1, clomid and 6 months to get pregnant with DD2 and DS was my surprise boy (I'd assumed I always needed drugs to get pregnant )
I think sometimes your body gets "better" at getting pregnant the more you have!
I'd always planned on having 3 but not so close together (2yr gap between 2 and 3). His babyhood was manic but very happy and I love the dynamics of 3. Best of luck with whatever you choose.
nico thanks for that lovely post I'd like to think that's how it would happen for us x
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