Mumsnet Talk

Happy 2012 Ladies!

Am hoping that you can share your experiences, whether you are contemplating having another child or if you have just gone for it and have more than 2 kids.

Really struggling to make a decision here.

On the one hand I feel a strong urge to have a 3rd child, and on the other I feel a strong fear of taking on a bit too much and losing myself. Annoyingly, these 2 forces are equally strong. If only something could tip the scales..

We have 2 kids at the moment: just 4 and just 2 years old and I have been swinging wildly between wanting a 3rd and being extremely scared of this thought. In autumn I thought I was pregnant and got pretty anxious at the thought of having a third, but I think that was partly because it was an ?oops?. So yes, I definitely need DH to be on 100% board. Sorry, I know this goes without saying.

Well, the jumping in would be easier if DH would be gung-ho, but he is on the fence as well. DH thinks it would be nice to have a 3rd and that it would be sad not to have another baby, and that 2 kids is too cookie cutter for him, but he is leaning towards 2 for convenience reasons? (I know, I know!). Btw, we are financially reasonably stable. I am sure if I would be really committed to having a third he would be as well.

But although I strongly desire another child in our family, I am not 100% committed or determined to go ahead. I am so scared to lose myself. And I don?t want to lose myself, and neither do I want to be a "full-time" mother? am I crazy to expand my family then?

My career: Just after I had DC 2 I decided to go freelance so I have spent a lot of time establishing a career that I LOVE and that is making small progress in an extremely competitive field (well, which field isn?t these days..). Anyway, my career is also my baby and I want to keep working at it and I think I need to literally push it a lot this year. So, career-wise I cannot afford to have morning sickness and general pregnancy hormonal mood swings, I have to be on the ball every day and creative and inspired. And I want my freelance business to work! Am not even able to think how a small business can be combined with actually having 3 children, all I know is that I will need/want to go back to work pretty quickly. Working through 3rd baby?s naps in the beginning and then getting a nanny for a few hours per day when baby would be 4 or 5 months old.. How do you then cope with your other 2 kids demands, plus your husbands? Does this mean I shouldn?t have a third? I have already ?simplified? my life and rarely see friends and never go to the gym. I think though the time I make for obsessing over this would be better spent getting on with it all.

I?m also very scared of getting on with my work while being pregnant. During my previous pregnancies I haven?t been that focused on my work - I hate to admit it. Only now I cannot just bide my time in the office, this is my business and my responsibility. A friend who has 5 children said she never focused much on her pregnancies as she didn?t enjoy being pregnant. But how do you not focus on being pregnant? It has been pretty consuming for me so far. I guess it is just a matter of not letting myself get consumed by it.

Another friend I talked to has no kids and really hit the nail on the head with her detached viewpoint. She said: "Hey, your life is perfect, what else do you want? It is time for you to be egoistical, focus on yourself, put the energy in yourself, your relationship and your career". This really compounded my fear of losing myself in my kids. For me, her attitude seems soooooo sensible. And I think many, many women have this attitude. Well, all of the Ladies who make the decision to stop at 2. If it were just so simple for me?..

I think a lot of my fear really comes down to the fact that our life, which is pretty easy right now is going to change and that I might lose myself. Well. All I need is a bit of faith and courage.

My obvious reasons to wanting a third child are that I love being a Mum and that I can say that am ?good? at it (But I always need to balance that with getting time off, I have to admit!). That I love bigger families, that I think a big family gives the kids confidence that I love to make a nice home for my kids, that I want them to ?have each other? when they have grown up. Etc?

But have also noticed this strong underlying desire to have a third child, which seems like a compulsion. I sometimes worry because there is a compulsive theme in my life (eating disorder as a teen, destructive habits and obsessive relationships as a twen). I have only become properly balanced in my 30s. I worry a bit that the urge to have a third kid is another of my compulsive streaks. (Please I think I need to clarify now that I am in full control of my mental capacities nowadays, but my failure to be ?sensible? makes me wonder). I am just trying to explain this obsession to have a third child and I can only liken it to other obsessions I have had in my life. Or would others simply call it ?biological clock? etc????

Thanks for listening. I am really looking for some guidance on this.

No answer sorry
But I too have the feeling my family is not complete and can't explain why, even though I I have a wonderful set of kids already

I have three girls; 5, 4 and 18 months. I love them dearly but they are my life. I have very little time for anything else. I don't work but I do voluntarily run a foodbank which i love but it is a juggling act. We are currently trying to decide whether to have a 4th and I feel a lot like you I think. I was 100% sure I wanted a 3rd however.

It is a lot harder having 3 at times. Only 2 pairs of hands etc etc. But I love it and wouldn't change it.

Try and think on this: Would you regret not having a third more than you would regret having one????

I have three. I too was obsessed with wether to have a third but it was like someone was missing and she was. We ummed and for a few years and then went for it. I love all my gilrs and don't regret any of them for a second. However, my DH works a 60 hour week, we have no family nearby and the one set of GPs we having are getting on a bit.

I don't do paid work and although i often think about doing a course or getting a job, I, personally just feel that the bit of me time I have I don't want to give up.My DCs are 10, 7 and 2 so bedtimes start at 7 and 10 year old finally up by 8.30/9 but can be much later before she is sleeping!

Also i found pregnancyvery hard and get depressed/have other health issues. Basically its such a personal choice that only you and DH can make. I found the first 18 months a breeze, the hard work is now!

Wonder if your need is biological - sound like it anyway as opposed to rationale. I felt that way with DS3. I sailed through pregnancy so work wasn't an issue for me (although company perception of me was - don't get me started on DS4!) and you're freelance so this won't be such an issue IF you can focus on it.

To be honest 3 is alot of fun BUT alot of hard work (mine are 5.5, 3.5, 21 months and 11 weeks). You get less help from friends and family when you actually need it most as they're scared of the hands to children ratio. Things like cars, houses etc become more compicated but you know that anyway. In the 13 months on mat leave with DS3 I did feel that I totally 'lost' myself BUT having got back into work I soon found that changed a bit (not completely but mine are so dependant just now). Again with DS4 I've never felt so badly that I've lost myself and it is taking a massive strain on our marraige as I literally have no time or energy for DH and I feel he's resenting it (massive row about it this am so today not a good day on this front) however I know this is a phase - a baby phase and it will pass. 3 really is alot of fun (very noisy) but I really felt totally 100% sold on the idea in my bones and it sounds like you and DH aren't there yet. God know what 4 will be like when I emerge from the sleep deprived hormonal fog I'm in just now.

I have 3 children who are 7, 5 and 2. I desperately wanted a third even though I was worried about the extra juggling involved. My husband was not too keen either. I am so glad I had the third baby, though. It is a lot of hard work but I love them all so much. We have good days and terrible days but overall I love having 3. If you have a nagging longing for a third baby then just go for it. Yes, it will be hard work, but you only live once and it would be sad to regret not having another baby. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have 3 and work very full time. Life seems very much a logistical juggle of who is where and when and there always seems to be something that one needs at any given moment e.g. one always seems to be crying or needing a drink!

I wouldnt swap my third for the world though!

Anyone for a fourth?

Dh and I wanted 3, we went for it and had twins so now we have 4

Not how we planned it but fantastic, if not hectic, nonetheless.

I know it's statistically rare but twins are a possibility. We had no family history of them at all.

But I can't comment on having three 'cos I went from two to four!

Angelswings – that’s another way of putting it “I too have the feeling my family is not complete and can't explain why, even though I have a wonderful set of kids already”… I think I am overanalyzing this ☺

Sambageeni – interesting, it hadn’t occurred to me that people can be totally 100% onboard from the go to have a third… but of course, that is logical… somehow this perspective gives me new insight regarding my limitations… in that way there also must be lots of people who without a heartbeat would go for 4th, 5th and so on until they reach their “limit”.
I think if my husband would be “100% YES”, then I’d easily be convinced.

Goldbow – good it all worked out for you! It would be great to just put the thought on the backburner for a long while and see if the wish is still there. I wish I had time to postpone the decision for a few years, but I am in my late thirties, so it’s kinda now or never..
Are you going for 4?

Lollystix – I admire you. 4 kids and hoilding down a job, wow. You are right that the baby phase can be tough and it is good that you know this will pass. Your youngest is so little. Good luck!

Loobyfly –Thanks for the encouragement! how did your husband come around in the end?

Peppapighastakenovermylife – thanks for the input! you are also super mum ☺

Jojay – If I had twins I would be secretly happy, even if it is going from 2 to 4… good luck to you!

I feel similar to you op except it's about whether to go for no.4. Everything is perfect, I have 3 gorgeous boys, there is good potential for career progression in next year, but still there is that constant niggling feeling that 4 would be better. I always wanted 4 I don't think I would just continually want another, 4 would be it.

So tricky! Btw my third pregnancy was easily my best which I did not expect!! I think because I was always so busy the pregnant just flew past. In a way had it been harder it would have been easier now to say 'never again!'

pregnancy

2or3 I'm not going for a fourth today I change my mind on this alot but I don't have the strong urge to have another, also eldest is now a stroppy pre-teen and I suspect it might be a dog that is missing not a baby this time.

I'm pregnant with my third little boy. My two are 3 an almost 2.
We wanted a third, we knew that. We wanted to have lots of children laughing at home and also to have lots of grand children!!
We had sex one day in summer and I told DP oops... I'm fertile today but bc maybe because it's the first day of my fertile window, it won't work. We took the chance and purposely decided not to take the morning after pill. Ideally we wanted to wait for another year to start tte baby3.
And I'm pregnant and we are so over the moon that DP even talk about a potential 4th the other day... I'm not convinced but I love my two kids and I'm sure I will love having 3.
Career wise - I was very career orientated before my first ns gradually grew less and less to the extend we have decided I will not go back to work after my mat leave. I will retrain as something else, part time, local, in a few years but for now I want to enjoy my boys and concentrate on them.
I'd love to say go for it but you need to be sure that if u do, ur family will be ok too. What was the reaction of your dh when you got pregnant by accident?

Tostaky, that was me 9 years ago, except that I have a boy and two girls. Just like you, we always wanted three, as it is the perfect balance between a big family (noise/activity/fun) and a practical one!

I also was happy to put my career on the back burner and love my part time job that allows me to do the school run and be there for the DCs.

OP, I'm not sure I understand this "lose yourself" thing. It is a temporary thing; obviously when the DCs are very young you are rather immersed, but it doesn't last forever. And if you have them close together, as I did, life very quickly gets back to an even keel and you can start to look ahead.

tostaky - Congrats on your pregnancy! And thanks for your advice. I know that I must make sure the family I have already is doing well.

Btw - I must have been unclear - I didn't actually get pregnant by accident, with the "oops" I meant that we (like you) had a contraception breakdown during the fertile window. But I didn't get pregnant, but of course was convinced I was ;-) There you go. What is meant to be will be... for us it wasn't (yet) meant to be.

CointreauVersial - with losing myself I just mean a fear that my whole life will revolve around trying to keep my household in some semblance of sane order, that there will be no single interest left in me apart from "my kids", that I will be sooooo exhausted that I won't even be able to do basic stuff for myself, let alone my relationship. That I will completely lose the connection and will to my career. That I will run ragged.

That there is ZERO energy and time left to dedicate to these parts of my life: my relationship, my career, a modest amount of beauty upkeep, a tiny bit of rest.

I always need a bit of space and breaks too. I guess this boils down to money... if we had lots of money I would hire lots of help, but also have lots of kids. But resources are limited, not only $$$, also my own energy.

Thanks for asking this. I am now clearer on what I meant as well.

And yes, you are right: the baby phase really doesn't last forever, which is so helpful to consider... only problem is that my career needs the attention this year, AND the clock is ticking...

2or3 i understand your dilema

i have two kids although am a sahm for now. when my dd was born, i was convinced she wasn't my last and we would have a third.

she is 2.5 now, my eldest is nearly 6 and i have discovered a passion for writing. i did a couple of night classes and got good feedback. i have now written 60,000 words of a young adult fantasy novel by making myself write when dd naps (i am lucky she still does) and ds is at school

i want to finish it and try and publish. i know this is a long shot but it has been a dream. i fear another child would although not necessarily end the dream, might hinder my chances

i don't so much worry about losing myself but how i would cope. at the moment i find it tough. the youngest is challenging and i can lose my temper

however the longing is there!

2or3 - you made me smile with your eloquent description of losing oneself - it's very similar to how I feel just now but tis but a phase. I am managing to apply mascara but I'm sadly living in fleeces and the same old jeans as I am the last of 5 people I dress every morning.

Also re the career thing, mine is really important to me and no judgement intended, i could not be a SAHM (too hard a shift) but when I'm down about not getting on and the opportunities I've missed, I try to put it into perspective; Sadly I have another 30 + years to work - I've only actually done 14 so far. However I only had a small window of healthy fertility in which to besprog myself. My view was would I look back and regret not having another just to potentially be that bit further up the greasy corporate pole (in my case) that bit quicker? Yes - definitely in my case.

To be honest the way jobs are now you could be made redundant tomorrow and the whole dream could fall around your ears but they couldn't take your dc3 away if I'm making any sense. That child would be a constant.

That's actually a really good point about having another 30 years to work and for me potentially only 2 or 3 years left to conceive (given family history of premature menopause)

I think I need to speak to DH again!!

I found out I was pg with DD2 on the day I had just enrolled for my last year at University. I was devastated because all I have ever wanted to do is teach. I had my DD1 and my DS during my degree studies, so the year I fell pregnant was meant to be the last year before PGCE.

DH and I were shocked, upset etc. DD1 has always been a bit high maintenance and DS had lots of health problems as a baby. We were at the point where you can see a future for you all, without the aggro of the baby stage.

We discussed terminating, but I knew I couldn't, so we went for it. It took me until I was 5 or 6 months to finally come to terms with it.

DD2 is much harder work than the other DCs but when she was born, I felt that our family was complete. Somebody asked me when DS was a year old if I would have another and I was pretty on the fence about it.

Having a third is hard work. Honestly. But it is also the most fun, they've always got someone to play with, argue with, annoy. Plus there's all those extra cuddles!

Dh & I both want number four but a bad pregnancy (severe SPD) which is likely to be worse next time. Plus we only have 3 bedrooms & a boy might be a problem that way after 3 girls. And Im the main wage earner and wouldn't get the same maternity leave

Have three dc, 6, 3 and six months. Often feel overwhelmed, but never think I'd do anything differently. They are a little gang now. But also know that I'm done in a way I didn't before.

I think the fact you posted this in larger families says a lot as you know everyone here already has at least 3 and has most likely post rationalised it into being a good thing. So maybe this is where your heart lies...ie. you really want to be told it's a good thing!

I have 3, twins second time around. I have to say, I think I would have preferred to have 2 and think I would have probably stuck there if I'd had 1 the second time around, but it depends on the kind of Mum you are. Some people are super Mums and just love kids/ having them/ teaching them/ being there for them emotionally etc. I find it quite difficult to give enough attention to my 3, even small things like teaching them to count, hold pencils, draw, cut, spell etc. And the younger two haven't even hit school yet!!! My ds1 is quite behind, mostly because I had the twins just before he was 3, and didn't do a lot with him after that - he's the kind of kid that needs a lot of teaching, whether it be riding a bike or reading. He's not a quick learner (though when he gets it, he's ok). I feel quite guilty actually for how behind he is now and feel if he hadn't had twin siblings, I'd have been able to give him more support. Emotional giving, it's easier with smaller kids, but when they are teens I am wondering if I'll have enough to 'give' (2 of them are very emotional, as am I).

It's very expensive to travel now, especially by air. Dh's family live in Sri Lanka, that's an extra 500quid we have to find to visit them. We can't go on the sort of holidays (and expose them to other places) like we used to.

It's difficult for us to get regular 1:1 time with the kids as there's always 2 with 1 adult and 1 with the other. So rotating that is difficult and it is important to me to have this 1:2 time. And it's even difficult to get time for myself as dh finds having 3 quite difficult, whereas he'd be very capable having 2 say all day Saturday so I could go away.

My friend just had an unplanned third, and whilst of course she adores her baby and can't imagine life without him, I think she'd started rebuilding her life, started working part time again, and was completely bowled over by her third. My twins and her 2nd are the same age, and I can't say I envy her breastfeeding all over again, sleepless nights, trying to get her body back etc.

Do think carefully - and no accidents!

Ps. I think 3 is new the 2, so as far as being a 'cookie cutter' family I think 3 is more that than 2 these days.