Accidental Fourth baby- shocked, upset- will I get over it?

[lollystix]

3 x ds (4.9, 2.9 and 13m). Didn't plan on 4th but would have wanted one perhaps in time. Dh dead set against another. Found out pregnant by accident with fourth. Feel like crying. Dh not happy but still speaking to me. Has affected plans massively as had hoped to emigrate but dh now thinks impossible and too much on our own. Also just started back at work after 12 months mat leave with ds3. I'm already the office joke for having 3 so quick. Termination not an option for me personally. Please someone say nice things. I'm so worried about how we'll afford childcare as I can't give up work and about dh happiness and also what people will think - dh gave me lecture this am on how people will perceive us as irresponsible teenagers. Will I get over shock? No idea how pregs I am - find out thurs but think probs 10 weeks by size of me. Just upset today really.

[MUM2BLESS]

Hi Lollystix

I will attempt to cheer you up. It have four kids and I do not regret any of my pregnancies. Not always been easy but I feel so previledged to be able to have kids.

You will be fine. Please take ONE day at a time, try not to race ahead as you may cause your self to be anxious. Enjoy every moment of this pregancy and the children you have right now.

It does not really matter what other people want to say.

Mine are 6, 9, 12 and 15 yrs.

They grow up sp fast.

Are you working or at home full time? I now have six chidren on my regisiter (childminder), working from home.

I send a hug and my advice would be do not worry about what people will say. Enjoy, enjoy enjoy.

My oldest was 5 1bs and 3 ozs at birth, now almost 16.


All will be well. Best wishes to you and your family.

[WinkyWinkola]

I want four! Lucky you.

Let people think what they like about you. Who cares? I'm surprised your dh has the time to worry about that sort of thing. If he does then he should have a vasectomy.

Childcare IS costly and you have time to sit and make a plan.

Congratulations!

[fruitshootsandheaves]

I have 4 too. Not a shock as I spent a year persuading DH then another year trying to conceive.
I felt my family was complete after 4, never really felt like that after 3 even though I'd always wanted 3 and had got rid of all my baby equipment.
It's not that different to 3 only they won't all fit in the car
You do get silly comments about 'have you not got a tv then' etc but I love having 4.
Congrats.

[lollystix]

Thanks ladies- you're working at cheering me up - dh is consoling himself with beer, football and a copy of what car cos there's no way were going to fit in the Audi. I'm already squeezed in the back with ds2 in front. We have agreed he's off for vastectomy. Currently worried about twins as im one. I've been counting the beans at work (not much work happened today) and if his mum would come up once a week on the train for a day to take some of them, we will cope. We now definitely need a 4 bed house-had thought we could get away with 3. Have felt sick all day about what people will think but also thinking in a few years will I actually care. Know folk will think I've just done it to try for a girl but fully expecting a boy and that's cool.
Fruitshoot- I know I'm shocked and upset but like you I didn't really feel like we were complete as 5. Don't know why but have always felt for the last year that someone is missing. Remember when dr. Gave me contraception chat after ds3 at 8 week check and she said 'now your family is complete' and it really jarred with me - but I just didn't want one so quick with dh so unhappy about it.

[5GoMadOnAZ650]

Lollystixx, firstly congratulations :) there are a lot of positives to having a "larger" family as well as negatives so you have to keep reminding yourself of the positives :)

I too had a surprise fourth, dd3 was only 5 months old when we found out I was expecting dd4! She is now 2.6 and I wouldn't change anything as she fitted in the family instantly and has been my easiest baby so far.

Having four is hard work but it is also four times the love and affection back :)

[Jojay]

Lolly - I SO know how you are feeling.

Slightly different circs though, we planned no 3 and found out we're having twins, so we'll have 4 too! We certainly never planned on 4 though, 3 was pushing our luck and like you, they're fairly close together and I'll have 4 under five.

I'm 26 wks pg now, so I can't tell you what it's like to have 4 yet, but after getting over the shoch we're definitely getting used to the idea.

I find it's the financial aspect that is scary. We've bought a new car fairly easily but I can't think too much about how we might afford a 5 bed house otherwise I'll never sleep at night again!

But I'm confident we'll muddle through. 4 might well make for a better family dynamic than 3, and I certainly can't imagine regretting having a child once they are here.

I'm sure it will work out brilliantly for both of us

[kangers]

I have 3 kids lolly and I think its a bad number as there's always an odd one. Four will balance things out but does depend on age of your kids.

You will manage, but hubby may have to do more than footy and beer in the home.

Will be great and fun and fab. Ignore all this rubbish about what others think and tell your workmates to shut up. And don't tell everyone its unplanned- including the kid- just say- 'thought we' have an even number and complete our family'. When you say it it'll come true and then you will believe it.

Then get him to have the snip!

[lollystix]

You're right kangers . I was thinking I was going to have to tell everyone especially work folk that this wee man is an accident but I don't want him to grow up thinking that. He'll be more than loved.

[kangers]

The 'him' being your hubby not the baby!!!

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

Our fourth was an 'unexpected bonus' but I wept buckets when the line turned blue, as dc3 had just turned 12 months too
But now 13 years on I just couldn't imagine life without my wonderful, funny, loving and kind DS.
Watching the older 2 fall head over heels in love with him and seeing the close bond between him and his closest sibling made it all OK in the end.
Having 4 is jolly hard work, and now as they are in their teens and 20s it is tough knowing that we can't afford to help them out financially in the way that parents with say one or two children can, but some things cannot be counted in pounds, shillings and pence.
They are a close team and enjoy being in a 'gang of four' and often say how they like being in a larger than average family.
Just hearing them hanging out together, watching TV ,chatting, singing, arguing and laughing reminds me that I was a bit daft to feel embarrassed about our contraceptive failure.
Congratulations xx

[xkatyx]

Hi lollystix when are you due??

I also just found out and in shock lol spoke to you on my thread also.

[lollystix]

Hi Katy - I've no idea on dd yet. I haven't had a period for almost 2 years now so lmp dates are out. I've kind of been in denial for a while and think I'm around 10-12 weeks but could be 8 or 14? Mws have booked me for scan on 18th but dh couldn't wait so we are all off for private scan tomorrow after work (and nursery) at 6.15. Hope they all don't have a total meltdown with tiredness and hunger. What are your dates? I've tried to get dh to reconsider our emigration plans to Nz as he is speaking to them re the role tomorrow night but he thinks it's lunacy. We don't have any help here with 3 and we manage fine so I don't see how it will be that different. He thinks I'm hormonally deluded.

[chocolatchaud]

Hi lollystix!

I was in the same position as you a couple of years ago - 3 DS with fairly small gaps, a husband that definitely didn't want any more and unexpectedly pregnant.

Firstly, in terms of amount of work, I haven't found 4 much harder than 3 - I was already living in total chaos at that point anyway.

Naturally you will have all the comments about wanting a girl - incredibly irritating, but I just told everyone it was unplanned and didn't really care either way.

Your DH will be absolutely fine - even my DH (I say 'even' as he was very anti) said that he knew he would love the baby when it arrived, and he certainly does! The boys will love the baby too - there seems to be a really special bond between ours.

Can't comment on the work situation, but in terms of help/emigrating, I manage pretty much on my own with no GPs being particularly involved and DH working long hours.

I think you will be thrilled in the end - just try to enjoy the moment. I really tried to savour every moment (and still do) as I know this is definitely my last.

Good luck and wishing you lots of happiness.

[lollystix]

Thanks chocolat- it's good to hear my dh may cone round. He suggested abortion as an option tonight - not pushing it but basically said we could abort and still go to Nz. Feel desperately upset about his refusal to reconsider the emigration BUT when he suggested abortion I just burst into tears. It's a personal choice and I'm casting no judgement on anyone who chooses it but it's not something I could do especially just to pursue my own plans.

I'm already anticipating the girl comments (think we may have actually met on another thread now?). I tried dates an diet for a girl with ds3 and he was the biggest, most boylike of them all. I don't think I'm even going for a gender scan with this one -I'm 99% sure he's a boy and that's cool with me.

[designergirl]

I am pg with a "surprise" 4th, we have 3 girls and are expecting another girl! Due next Friday actually. Our others are 7,4 and 2. Your eldest child will probably be at school next year tho won't they, so that's a bit less expense already. I've got used to the idea of having 4 now, as has dh. We wld have been happy to stay at 3 but I knew I wldnt be devastated to have another!

[Mama5isalive]

Hi Lollystix -congrats on the wonderful baby news!

i am also expecting baby 4 so this will make in total 6 children - oldest 16 - baby 16 months! gotten over the 2 line shock just taking it day to day and not worrying about anything we will and will always cope! my kids are such a blessing although its hectic in our small 3 bedroom im praying the house issue ill sort it self out when it can!

good luck to you and all the other expecting

[3kidsnobump]

Hi Lollystix

I am 24 wks with no.4, and current 3 kids are 5, 4 and 10 months.

Can completely sympathise about being the joke of the office though with all the pregnancies. As it happens I have just told my work today, and am dreading going in next week when all the office will have found out.

However in the scheme of things, I'm sure nobody will give a monkeys in a few years time, and I am sure I also won't care once I have got over all the initial jokes - mostly the reason why I have kept it quiet until now!

Congratulations, and enjoy!

[lollystix]

Update - just been for private scan as nhs one not for 2 weeks. Good job as just found out it's another boy (I'm actually not surprised and quite happy about that) AND I'm 15 and a half weeks! I'm even more shocked now - it was huge on the scan and moving like mad.

[chocolatchaud]

Oh wow that's fantastic - not so long to wait now! (I think that's a good thing!)

Really pleased for you that all is ok and hope that it has made it a bit more real for DH?

Many congratulations again

[gkys]

congratulations! if you waited til you could afford children you would never have had one, it will work itself out, and you have got the first trimester nicely out of the way start blooming, and planning, any comments from work just smile (they obviously aren't getting any )

i found out i was 20 wks with ds3 (totally unplanned, blame the mulled wine) and i seemed to be pregnant forever, not sure how that works? congrats again

[lollystix]

Oh dear it's not going well. Went out 4 meal last night which was pre-arranged with friends. Told them and mentioned this to dh this am. He is cross now - in his words 'i don't want people coming to congratulate me when I feel like I've just lost a £150 and I've got to try and love him when he arrives' - why £150 I don't know but indicates how cross and upset he is and how he's struggling to accept this. He's just left for work and very frosty- like this is all my fault. I can't talk to anyone as he's told me can't tell anyone yet. Think it may be disappointment that I'm so far gone and termination now not an option (it never was for me anyway). Will he come round - anyone else have similar reactions. I honestly feel like saying he can leave if he doesn't want to be part of this but I know he wouldn't leave the boys as he loves them to bits. Just feel really sad like it's now a massive irreversible shift in our previously happy marriage

[Jennylee]

my dh was upset when 2 went to 3, it lasted about a month, then he was okay, not enthusiastic about the pregnancy but it was a hard one for me, but loves baby so much just like the others, no difference now he is here.

[buttonmoon78]

I think he probably needs some time. After all, things are going to change and his neat solution is no longer possible (whether or not you would have been happy with that).

Also, I'm guessing you're feeling ok about it - it's happened so let's get on with it. Your body is growing this baby so it's natural to feel different.

Men can sometimes connect less with even a wanted pg until it's further along or even born as htey feel less involved.

Give him some space, let him work through this in his own way and see what happens. I'm sure he'll be insensitive etc for a bit, but give him some time. It's been a huge shock to you both so he's allowed to have a little freak out, IMO.

However, in a while (as in a couple of weeks) make it clear that it was a shock to you too and that you need his support - if you're going to get through this together then you have to support eachother.

Good luck.