Feeling sad ds is growing up - advice and support needed!!!

[slipperandpjsmum]

My eldest ds has recently started spending alot more time out and about with friends. Infact I have not seen him for most of the weekend.

Now I know what I am going to say is stupid but I feel really sad. I so miss having him around. It almost feels like the end of an era and if I am honest I don't want it to be the end. I am very upbeat with him and keen to listen when he comes home with tales of what he has done, where he has been. Clearly it would be very selfish to do anything else.

One of his brothers came to me last night and said I miss him being around Mum.

How do other people cope with this transition?

I know I sound ridiculous but its taken me by surprise. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom?

[Misfitless]

Ahh - no but I feel your pain slipper. There's something about sons - would you agree? Your post made me go a bit tingly and sad for you tbh. He sounds like a lovely son and you obviously have a great relationship. I wish my DD would come home and talk to me like that about what she's been upto. I understand your sadness, and tbh I'll think that transition will hit me hardest with my only son than with any of my three DDs. It's not that he's my favourite at all - it's just that vunerable boy thing that they have going on!

Oh gosh - I want to go and get my DS home from school now and give him a big cuddle!

[mumof2girls2boys]

I feel for you my eldest 2 have just this year gone to boarding school, DC3 goes next September and I am dreading it. At least your DS talks to you, my DS can go a week without ringing, I know he is safe and sounds as his sister phones nearly every day but it is his way with coping with feeling homesick. He comes home every 3rd week with tales of what he has been up to that make me proud he is my son but it doesn't stop the pain of missing him when he is not here. Sounds to me like you have brought up a well rounded son if he talks to you about where and what he is doing, all I tell myself is that we just need to be proud of the little men they are turning into and spend as much time as possible chatting with them when they are home.

[Misfitless]

How old are your DCs mumof2girls2boys?

[Wormshuffler]

I am the same, and we are trying for another baby, I know I will be miserable when there are no kids in my house.
It's just like you say slippers I don't want it this ever to end....

[nickschick]

Ive got this too and I hate it .

[slipperandpjsmum]

There are so many up and downs in parenting aren't there. But I always have my virtual friends to offer support on this thread. Thank you so much to everyone who has posted.

Misfitless your thread made me cry but its so reassuring to realise I am not alone, so thank you so much to everyone who posted and got just how I am feeling. You have all made such a difference, thanks.

I am getting worried about some of the things he is telling me about are happening when they are out. Although he has know this group of young people for sometime he has never been particularily friendly with them until now, hence the change in what he does. I am keen to keep the line of communication open but what do you do when you are really not happy with what they are doing? We talked about an incident that had happened and we were able to discuss the difference in lifestyles and he said he knew I was worried about the change in his social life. I am worried but don't know what to do??

[mumof2girls2boys]

Misfitless my DCs are 10,8,6 and 3 so before you say it the eldest 2 are young to be away, but we move every 2 years (or less) with my husbands job so they asked to go away to school and board as they were getting fed up of having to make new friends. The change it has made to them is also amazing, they have become very aware of other people and their feeling and have a real sense of community with the other pupils at their school.

DC3 will be 7 when he goes next September and although I think it is too young he is absolutely sold on the idea, when we moved this summer he had a hard time fitting in and has missed the older 2 terribly so we decided we would let him go, he can always come home if he doesn't like it and maybe try it again at a later time. I think he will be ok as he is very close to his older brother and the school have already said they can be in the same dorm so he will see more of him.

[nickschick]

Mumof2girls2boys ...you dont have to explain yourself,obviously you know your dc you know your circumstance - theres far far worse than boarding school.

[mumof2girls2boys]

Thanks Nickschick maybe I just need to convince myself still. They love it so it must be good, but I didn't have a large family so that I could send them away young. It was something we never considered until they asked about it so I guess I am still getting used to it :)

[Misfitless]

oh mumof2girls2boys- i wasn't judging either i was just being nosey tbh! I agree with nickschick that you don't have to explain. Sounds like you are making a really tough sacrifice (ie: boarding school) for their happiness and stability - you sound pretty selfless to me so don't be too tough on yourself .

Slipper - yours made me cry too!
I can't offer advice - you're dealing brilliantly with it and much better than I could. I hope that I have that sort of relationship with my DS when he's older.

I'm making a mental note of this for the future - you're giving DS the freedom he needs to find his own way and make his own choices including perhaps some mistakes. (Some of life's most important lessons!)
Yet all the while he knows he has your love and support, and he sounds so respectful of your feelings and concerns.

Hope someone else can offer some wise words. FOr what it's worth I'm learning a lot from you?
Can I ask how old your DS is?

[slipperandpjsmum]

Oh thanks Misfitless. He is 14. Its all starting to feel like a white knuckle ride. It feels like the older they get the more they need you which I never realised till now. How old are yours?

[Misfitless]

JUst read this back - I'm such a waffler. Sorry for this very long post!

DD 14, DS 5, DD 3, DD 13 months. How about your others - how old are they?

I suppose I read your OP as being about DSs, but it's made me think about my DD too.

It really hit me with my DD1 when she was about 11 - puberty had kicked in and she was spending loads more time with her friends. (Only on the park at the back of our house, or around our village, but it could have been miles away.)

DD didn't want to spend any time with us though. She was either out with her friends or in her room. There was a real distance between us. Hormones played havoc too, of course, she was understandably very moody at that time.

I found it very difficult dealing with typical teenage behaviour from an 11 year old.

Mums with older DCs kept saying 'just wait till she gets to high school - it'll all change then, they grow up so fast...'. By the time DD had got to high school, though, I felt we'd already been through that and come out the other side IYSWIM.

It's definatley a transition like you said, and I had so many tearful conversations with my sister over that summer about how things were changing, and cried myself to sleep some nights too.

It's tough and I just have a feeling that it will be a lot harder to handle with DS. NOt that he will be more difficult, but that I will emotionally find it more difficult. You have my empathy slipper.

All credit to you that he wants to come and talk about all these new friends and experiences going on in his life, rather than shut you out like my DD did and many other DCs do.

And you're right I think they do need us more - it must be nature's way of softnening the blow for us soft mums and our aching hearts!

BTW - it didn't take long for it all to settle down after that summer. DD is an absolute joy and a whole lot nicer than I ever was as a teenage. She now has a lovely balance between school, friends and family.

Here if you ever need to chat, slipper