Egg Donation Emotion

(41 Posts)
ringo65 Fri 31-May-13 12:51:11

Hi

Yesterday my DH & I were told following lots of tests that the best chance of us conceiving was to look at egg donation.
I am 39 and it appears that all things are pointing towards the fact that my body has started that menopause journey...we have been trying for a long time so it was upsetting to learn that the best chances are egg donor.

I am feeling positive today about it, but I am worried that I would forever be thinking that's really not my baby, although I know that I would be nurturing the baby in my womb and really it is my baby just genetically it isn't...but its a thought at the back of my head - its very hard to explain.

Are these natural thoughts and has anybody else been down this road and had these worries before hand, will they pass once I am pregnant?

Thank you, I'm a bit mixed up. x

rabbitonthemoon Fri 31-May-13 14:51:35

I have not yet got all my tests back but early indications show that my ovaries are considerably more aged than me. Poo. So donor eggs have been very much on my mind. It is a very strange set of emotions, like the end of my genes but not dhs. Odd, scary but I know I'll get my head around it and ill just be glad if anything worked right now. Have you already had ivf cycles?

5madthings Fri 31-May-13 14:56:02

I dont know anything about recieving eggs. But i donated last year and my donor had twins. I have a thread in chat to celebrate.

To me my eggs are not my children, my children are the ones i have hadwith my partner.

You will grow this baby, birth it and raise it, it will be yours. I as an egg donor simply provided the missing ingredient to help someone on their way, they do all the hard work.

You can get counselling to explore your thoughts and feelings, it must be a big thing to come to terms with.

Good luck and much love xxx

EuroShaggleton Fri 31-May-13 15:03:26

It's a really individual decision. We decided quite early on against donor eggs/sperm. We are trying IVF and if that doesn't work, we will consider adoption or a child-free life.

What made us decide against it was the imbalance - the child would be genetically one parent's but not the other's and in my case the drive to have children was not a head decision but a primal urge to pass on my genes, and donor eggs wouldn't help me with that. For other people, neither of these things matter or they have completely different concerns.

ringo65 Fri 31-May-13 15:15:38

Thank you everyone...rabbitonthemoon - I am the same as you, my body is on that menopausal road at a younger age which is why IVF is not going to be an option as the ovary stimulation they do will not produce enough eggs due to the lack of follicles I have (3).

5madthings...you really are a special person and it is really lovely to hear from someone who has donated, I know nobody who has had IVF, egg donor or been a donor so it really was nice to read your comment.

EuroShaggleton...I know how you feel when I started on this journey it was about creating something that would be of both my DH & I, and egg donor seems to go against that choice. The clinic we are with are providing us with counselling in a few weeks so I hopefully will have sorted out my feelings towards it afterwards.

Thank you all for your input I really appreciate it x

5madthings
Do you mind my asking why you decided to be an egg donor and how you went about it?
Is it something that is needed, donors I mean, or are there eggs a plenty out there if you need them?
Thanks, I only ask as it's something I would consider doing if it could help a couple have a child.

EuroShaggleton Fri 31-May-13 15:29:02

ring I'm having natural IVF because I hate the idea of pumping myself full of all of those drugs, but it is usually suggested for women who wouldn't get a good response from conventional IVF.

I've done one round and am about to do a second. On my first round I had one mature follicle - the one I naturally produce from which I would ovulate on a natural cycle - and they collected one egg. I got my BFP from that (although sadly miscarried). I mention this just to show that you don't need loads of eggs to get an embryo.

If you decide donor eggs is not for you, it might be worth looking into it. Not many clinics offer it though. Mine is Create. if you are near London, it might be worth popping along to one of their open days? You get a 5 min mini consultation with the director, as well as the info pack and presentation.

5madthings Fri 31-May-13 15:32:11

I decided to be a donor as i have been extremely fortunate to have my five. I got preg easily and had easy pregnancies and births. I was an ideal candidate because of that. I was lucky and i wanted to share that luck. I saw an advert for a charity that matches egg donors, enquired more and decidd i would be happy to donate. There is counselling and genetic trsting etc you have to go through to become a donor. The process was simple enough and i found it fine.

I feel.honoured that i could help someone fulfill their dream of having a baby,in my case two! its an amazing process and i am beyond thrilled it worked for my egg recipient. I dont know who she is other than basic details and we are unlikely to ever meet (tho the children are entitled to request my details when they become adults). i am.just pleased i was able to help, fertility is just a lottery, i got lucky. I cant imagine the pain of infertility, i have seen friends struggle through it and was just pleased to be able to help.

There is a shortage of donors so yes they are much needed, its not something everyone can do, we all have personal feelings etc but if you can its an amazing thing to be part of smile

Thank you. I too have been very lucky to have my two, got pregnant on my first try with both of them.
We aren't having any more children and I just thought maybe I could help someone else.
I'll do a bit of research then. Is it a painful process to donate?

5madthings Fri 31-May-13 15:43:46

Not painful no. Blood tests, then i went on the pill for a month to regulate my cycle to match my recipient. Then daily injections to stimulate eggs. I had to have scans frequently to check on the follicles. These were done internally but it was fine. They call.it the 'dildocam' lol. It was fine. Then i has the egg retrieval under general, went very smoothly i was only under for half an hour and went home a few hours later. I was really looked after by the nurses etc. It all went very smoothly.

And where in the uk are you? I think because I am in the north of Scotland it might be tricky (and costly) if you need to make lots of trips to a clinic. I can't imagine there are any up here.
Did you have any side effects from the injections?

So sorry op to hijack your thread x

ringo65 Fri 31-May-13 16:12:10

No problem Purplehonesty I think you are amazing to consider it as it looks as though you go through quite a lot for a purely selfless act.

I am with CARE and live in the Yorkshire area, they told me that with the lack of follicles I have and the results from my blood test, also I have blocked tubes on one side that I have less that 5% chance on IVF and it was not an option they wanted to consider, I have a lot to think about as I am having NHS funded treatment at the moment but this is limited.

Good luck with your natural IVF EuroShaggleton, I hope round 2 is successful, I have not heard of this option before, I am new to all this and know no body in or have been in my situation. smile

EuroShaggleton Fri 31-May-13 16:16:22

The Eggcellent egg buddies thread over in contraception is full of folks having IVF in June/July/August, so if you want some company hop over and find us. There are a couple of women going for or who have recently had donor egg treatment on there at the moment.

ringo65 Fri 31-May-13 16:19:11

Thank you EuroShaggleton...I'm off over there now x

Carolra Fri 31-May-13 16:21:44

PurpleHonesty - have a look at Altrui (www.Altrui.co.uk) and give them a call. I donated recently through them and they were really brilliant and supportive.

I agree with 5madthings... eggs is eggs, parents are what make a person.

Ringo I think what you are feeling is completely normal, the ladies I've spoken to who have had to use egg donors all feel the same at some point but only you and your DH will know what is best. Good luck, I hope whatever you choose works out for you xx

5madthings Fri 31-May-13 18:10:56

I donated through altrui as well. All your travelling costs etc are covered for you smile

5madthings Fri 31-May-13 18:11:30

I donated through altrui as well. All your travelling costs etc are covered for you smile

Phineyj Fri 31-May-13 18:18:27

Hi OP. My DD was born last year and we used an egg donor. It has made no difference at all to how I feel about her, other than that she is extra special because it took us 6 years to have her! We did our treatment abroad due to the long waiting lists in the UK. The clinic were lovely and did everything they could to enable us to succeed (it took two tries). We will tell DD all about it as soon as she is old enough to understand.

Pm me if you like.

Phineyj Fri 31-May-13 18:50:31

Sorry I had to write less than I wanted as DD needed putting to bed...

Yes I think it is quite normal to worry about these things. I did have a few 'woah...my nieces are my genetic relations and DD won't be...' moments during the pregnancy, but since DD was born it doesn't matter at all. The extended family all know the circumstances of her conception and it hasn't made any difference to how they treat her -- she has been a source of great joy all round.

I think it probably helped i) that we had been considering adoption so had already been through the thought process about having a child who didn't look like us (in fact DD does resemble DH and his family) and ii) I have a niece who looks very like me. Also I am a practical person and decided not to get too hung up about it -- I was just happy we had finally found a positive consultant and a treatment that seemed to have a good chance of working.

The country where we had treatment only permits anonymous donation and I have been thinking a lot about the donor -- who was she, what was her motivation? I am very grateful to her obviously but will never meet her. We have given DD names that originate from the part of the world where the donor was from (probably, the donors are not necessarily nationals of the treatment country) to say thank you. The fee she was paid was quite large relative to living costs in that country. I hope she got a year's college fees out of it or whatever she needed...

I had some worries about not knowing DD's genetics but on the other hand the donors are tested very thoroughly (unlike people conceiving in the regular way) and I figure one may well be able to get one's genome sequenced as a run of the mill thing, by the time DD is older.

By the way, non-UK clinics don't require counselling but I think it's a good idea. I spent a couple of hours pouring my heart out to a counsellor before we did the first treatment and felt a lot better for it.

The main stress was having to travel a long distance at short notice for the treatments -- getting time off work without being able to discuss what for, etc, and family and friends not understanding what the treatment was or why we needed it, and asking daft or upsetting questions. I ended up feeling like I needed a press officer!

Pocket1 Fri 31-May-13 18:58:29

Ring sorry you've had that news, I know it's a shock but look at it positively in that you know what your options are. Many women never know this and try for years to conceive.

Btw I'm 35 weeks today having used donor eggs. I wanted to be a mum sooooo much it really didn't take DP and me long to decide to use donor eggs when we knew that was our only option. I'm not saying it never crosses my mind, but once you know there is a little person growing inside you, you will just fall in love with them. And that love grows and grows as they do. I feel like I know her having been so close to her for all these months. She kicks and wriggles all day - she is mine and I love her to bits. You'll be the same

Good luck
grin

OpheliaBumps Fri 31-May-13 20:43:29

Ringo I've got donor egg twins via Care Manchester grin

I think of them as 'my children', after all I developed them from 5-6 cells in size, through to 6lb babies. Having said that, I do often think of the wonderful woman that helped them to be here, if that makes sense.

Google 'genetic expression', it makes interesting reading that suggests that I caused certain genes to be expressed in my children, that wouldn't have been expressed had they been developed in the donor's womb. This certainly appears to be the case with my two, they both demonstrate characteristics that are so similar to mine it's uncanny. I also often hear that DS looks just like hid dad, and DD is the image of me grin

Good luck if you decide to go ahead, it's not an easy decision to make, and isn't an option that is acceptable to everyone, but I'm so glad I did it.

Luckystarfour Fri 31-May-13 22:43:50

I've been reading this thread with great warmth in my heart to know that so many lovely ladies would consider dim donating their eggs.

We've just had a failed 5th cycle with donor sperm back up. It revealed that my eggs are also a factor.

As many other ladies have commented my husband and I so long to have our family that after 5 failed rounds we really feel that we must take the most probable route for success, this therefore means and egg and a sperm donor for us.

Please read my thread of FF if you're interested in learning more about our story.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=307208.0

We would love to find a donor who could make our dream possible. :-)

ringo65 Sat 01-Jun-13 10:42:28

Thank you for all your replies it is really helping, OpheliaBumps, thank you for the Google suggestion and your comments about your twins has made me feel a lot more positive about the whole thing so thank you.

Congratulations Pocket1 and thank you for your comments on how you feel again it makes me feel a whole lot better.

Sharksandfishes Sat 01-Jun-13 11:03:51

I also donated and echo what 5madthings says. As far as I'm concerned, I gave a cell, and everything else was up to the mother.
My donation was known and I know that the mother totally feels that the baby born is hers, although I know how grateful she is
Hope this helps. I also found Fertility Friend useful.
smile

colafrosties Sat 01-Jun-13 23:35:52

We had DS from anonymous egg donation in the Czech Republic. I was mid 40's. I did feel strange at the start about the thought of a child not being mine genetically, but this was soon outweighed by the likelihood of success going from "less than 1 per cent" with my own eggs to "30-40 per cent" with donor eggs. I thought beforehand quite a lot about things I'd be sad not to pass on, but then also, fairly flippantly, about things I'd be glad not to pass on, e.g. my shortsightedness, my knock knees! And since we've had him, I don't really think about it at all, he's just our little boy. Good luck ringo65 with whatever you decide to, and I second fertility friends, don't think we'd have got there without it. X

colafrosties Sat 01-Jun-13 23:44:14

p.s. A poster above said they had to travel abroad at short notice for treatment, but that was not the case at the clinic we went to - we were told the date we needed to be there a few months in advance.

ringo65 Sun 02-Jun-13 10:34:53

Thank you colafrosties xx

ringo65 Sat 06-Jul-13 14:21:34

Hi all

Since I last posted a lot has happened, I am on the page of ED and thanks to all your help I really appreciate it. I have no friends or family that have been through this so knowing I am not alone is a massive help.

We went back to CARE for a chat with their counselor and then spent about 4 hours with the nurse, 4 hours we were there in total, but I felt so much better after...we discussed how it works and was promptly put on the list...this was 20th June and yesterday I got a call to say they have found a match!

I cannot believe it, I feel very lucky at the moment as I know some ladies have been waiting a long time and I expected the same, DH & I are mulling it over this weekend...the genetics are a goodish match, more of DH than me...which I think I am happy with.

This is only the beginning and for me it has been like a whirlwind the time of finding out I cannot have children to this point has been fast, and no treatment has been had yet not IVF or anything, CARE are concerned that this is all too quick and want to make sure I am ready as I have not had long to get used to the idea.

I am counting my blessings and I so hope that it all works out okay as this is only the beginning of the journey and I know a lot of heartache and anxiety is yet to come.

JT2013 Sun 14-Jul-13 00:29:07

Hi ringo65

I read your post nodding my head- I'm 39 and I've just been told my AMH/FSH levels make it near impossible for me to have a biological child. Partner has low sperm count too so really not great. The consultant I saw recommended DE ICSI and although I had doubts, they've gone. I don't know whether I'm fooling myself but the need to be a mother is so all consuming. I'd love to have a child that was related to me and my family but (assuming I'm lucky enough for it to work) it'll be my partner's biological child and I'm told that it's only men that have that primal need to procreate women are programmed to nurture (told this by a new age acupuncturist, but it seems to make sense)

Sorry, I've just realised I hijacked your post but I just wanted to ask Opheliabump, colafrosties and Pocket1 how many attempts they had before they fell pregnant?

colafrosties Mon 15-Jul-13 22:41:55

That's very exciting ringo, and to have found a donor so quickly. Wishing you all the best x

JT, we were really lucky and I got pregnant the first time (clinic used icsi for all ivf). Good luck in your journey too x

JT2013 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:21:24

Thanks colafrosties, congratulations to you and ringo65.
x

candleyes54 Sat 03-Aug-13 07:21:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreckleyGirlAbroad Sat 03-Aug-13 18:05:22

Ringo, have just read your thread and was wondering how things were going and did you accept the donor? Fwiw, I was exactly the same age as you when I found out my FSH levels were too high and AMH way too low to conceive using my eggs so we didn't hesitate in going forward with ed conception. I'm now 31 weeks pregnant, with the occasional wobbly moment, but just living every minute of the kicking and wriggling going on inside me and feel immensely lucky and grateful.

Try having a look at epigenetics online as it shows you a while different side to the DNA debate.

Best of luck and pm me if you want any further advice.

KosherBacon Sun 11-Aug-13 20:56:06

I have a ten month old DS following donor egg treatment at Care in Manchester. We had treatment due to a genetic condition I had rather than infertility.

I can honestly say it was the best decision I have made. I love my son so much. Sometimes I look at him and my heart bursts. He's amazing, I grew him in my tummy, I breastfed him, I nurtured him and played with him and made him the personality he is today. We chose a donor with similar physical characteristics to me, yet he came out just looking like his daddy. People at work tell me he has my eyes and nose. I don't tell everybody, close friends and family know, but not every Tom dick and Harry needs to know.

Yes, I sometimes think about his donor and the half sibling she had from her treatment. For me that was why I chose to have treatment in the uk. It was our decision as parents to use donor eggs but it should be entirely out sons decision to find out more about his donor and we shouldn't take that away from him. We used donor eggs when there was a waiting list for recipients rather than donors to be matched and we could have gone abroad for quicker treatment, but decided against it for this reason.

resipsa Mon 12-Aug-13 07:49:51

We're waiting for a match at Care in Manchester. Thank you for your great post!

ringo65 Thu 24-Oct-13 14:38:58

Haven't been on for a while, thank you for all the lovely messages.

To update you all we had 2 embryos transferred on 27th Sept, the donor Care found we were happy with. I tested positive on Sun 13th Oct..4 days later I had a lot of bleeding...which calmed down, but Monday it came back with a vengeance and we ended up in A&E, the clots and dripping blood was horrendous, the consultant told us there was nothing in my uterus following a tummy scan.

Today we were at Care for a review and an internal scan..it turns out that I may have been carrying twins and one miscarried and although only tiny a little heartbeat was seen. I'm 6w1d today and we are over the moon x

colafrosties Mon 28-Oct-13 20:26:38

Ringo, that's lovely news!

KosherBacon Sat 02-Nov-13 21:27:22

Ringo65- Congratulations, that is wonderful news, I hope you have a happy, healthy pregnancy and baby.

kittycatmum Sun 03-Nov-13 10:40:48

Hi I don't think I'm in the right thread but hopefully someone can point me in the right direction. I would love to talk to other women who have children via donor eggs. I have two year old twins whom I adore but sometimes I do struggle a bit with the genetics issue etc. I would love to see how other people think as I don't know anybody else in my situation. Many thanks x

KosherBacon Sun 03-Nov-13 11:19:51

There is a group called the donor conception network. They have national meetings but also local groups too. Check out their website and books.

colafrosties Sun 03-Nov-13 19:55:15

Hi kittycatmum,

It might be better to start another thread asking your question, but I was just wondering if you had seen this recent thread, as quite a lot of people have posted about their feelings on donated eggs (whether they have children from them or not)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1868043-To-think-using-donor-eggs-is-selfish

We had DS from anonymous egg donation in the Czech Republic, and we don't really think about the genetics aspect very much. We plan to tell him gradually as he gets older. I think it helped that when we had the IVF we met up with several other couples in a similar position via the fertility friends website message boards, and egg donation came to to seem almost the norm!

Happy to talk more if you like, on thread or pm.

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