Telling infertile friends and family about pregnancy

[UrbanYokel93]

Hi everyone


Firstly please forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this, I'm new to Mumsnet and still learning.

I am 16 weeks pregnant, and apart from a very few, no-one knows about the pregnancy yet. We're planning to tell most people after my 20 week scan, however we're not going to make a big song and dance about it or put things on social media etc. I have Asperger syndrome and I find it difficult sometimes to know the right thing to say or do, but I always try my best and have learnt a lot over the years. I always mean well.

Please could you offer me some advice about how to sensitively tell:

Our friends, a couple who have recently (about 6 weeks ago) had a second IVF attempt that failed.
My aunt and uncle, who are in their early 50s and have experienced infertility issues for years.

Clearly our friends are very upset by the failed IVF attempts, but we talk with them openly about their experience and feelings about this. I believe they are as accepting and balanced as they can be in the situation. We see them fairly often and have a close relationship with them.

We don't see my aunt and uncle all that often, but we get on with them well. My uncle is as accepting as he can be about the situation, but my aunt struggles to come to terms with it. She avoids spending time with children and easily upset by any baby news.

Again I won't pretend I know how people feel or how they'll react. However, based on what I've seen and things they've said, I believe our friends will genuinely be pleased for us but it will upset them too because of their own situation, but I feel my aunt in particular will find the news very hard to take.

I'd like to tell them sensitively but I also don't want to make too big a thing of it, if you know what I mean. It is getting to the point now where it will soon be obvious so now's the time to plan how to tell them. I know they will likely be upset whatever I say or do but I want to try and do the right thing.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you so much

[underrugsswept]

I let my friend know by text and explained that I understood she might have mixed emotions about so I wanted to let her know that way so she could feel however she wanted without feeling like she had to put a happy face on for my benefit. She was and continues to be wonderful about it though and adores my DS.

[closephine85]

I agree with underrug - text or email them. I have secondary infertility which means I am surrounded by pregnant friends! A few have tried to tell me face to face, thinking it was the right thing to do. However, sadly I can no longer hide my emotions and I end up a blubbing mess. It made it hard for both of us and I felt a huge amount of guilt for 'ruining' their announcements. Another friend told me by text. It was such a relief that I could just let my emotions out in private and be happy for her in response/person. You might also want to think about sending it at a time you know they will likely be home rather than out and about. Perhaps an evening?

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy :) it's lovely that you are considering their feelings, many wouldn't and I'm sure they will be grateful to you.

[RoseBud2016]

If it were me (I'm going through a second try of IVF myself at the moment) I would want to be told by text or email, before seeing the pregnant couple face to face.

For me it gives me time to process the information- to cry and feel sad for myself, and then pull myself together and feel happy for them when I see them.

Being told face to face and having to hold back the tears is the worst!

P.s. I think you are an amazing friend for being so thoughtful- I wish there were more like you around

[sphinxster]

I was in this situation last year with BIL & wife, and some close friends. I read a couple of other threads on here and the consensus seemed to be that people would rather be told via text/email. A few people said they'd like to be told face-to-face.

I sent emails. We explained why we'd chosen to tell them via email (because although we know that they wish us well, we understand it may upset them initially) and said we'd love to see/speak to them soon but only when they're ready.

We tried to keep it very positive but sensitive and not patronising. As it turns out, everyone was thrilled for us and called/replied the minute they received the email.

[sphinxster]

And congratulations!

[bumpingalong9386]

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I have had to tell two sets of friends about my impending arrival and they have both experienced problems with infertility.

I text / emailed both of them to tell them so they could deal with it in their own time and not have to put on a happy face in front of me. Think this is the best route so they have time to take things in before they see you / bump.

[Dozer]

Congratulations!

Agree with PPs: text or email or even the dreaded facebook announcement or the grapevine much better than phone call or face to face.

[cheapredwine]

Absolutely agree with PP, it might seem the right thing to do this face to face, but it's much harder. Letter, email, or even a text let's them digest in their own time, cry if they need to, and compose themselves to respond.

[icy121]

Bless you OP - so many people launch indiscriminate baby bombs without a thought for collateral damage! Aspergers or no, you're clearly a deeply sensitive & empahetic person!

Agree with all of the above. I would email both couples, as someone else said at time you know they'll be at home.

I guess what you say in both notes will be different. I don't think in either you should take a particularly positive tone. Just stick to the facts and tell them you wanted to let them know as you think it's the right thing to do etc.

Well done and congrats obviously on your pregnancy.

[UrbanYokel93]

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your advice and support. I took your advice and texted as suggested, explaining the reasons why I was telling them in this way. They both replied straight away are were really happy for us, also thanked me for telling them in this way. It was definitely the right thing to do.

I feel upset about the situation myself, as I had always hoped my friend and I would be pregnant and have babies at a similar time and now that won't happen. But who knows what the future holds?

Thanks again and I wish success for those of you having fertility treatment.

Best wishes x

[Hagrid3112]

On the phone or in person, it's almost impossible to hide your excitement, but just as difficult for the other person to hide their upset and properly express how happy they are for you.
So, as someone who struggles with infertility, I just wanted to say how lovely it is of you to be so sensitive about it