Might be changing my mind on having children...

[lugo40]

hi all

i am confused. we have just returned from an awesome holiday. We met some amazing people and had a blast. Some of the people we met were much older than us, one man in particular is 81 but we got on so well, we just all fell about laughing all holiday. He is a widow and never had children. It got me thinking about how amazing his life has been and would it have been the same had he had children? i doubt it as they take priority. When we met people who had children they were quite dull as spent most of the time talking about their children or grandchildren. And why they didn't take that amazing opportunity to move out of the UK because they didn't want to interrupt Johns cello lessons! Then it got me thinking that actually its the same in real life. My friends who have not had children led the most interesting lives...

Had you asked me before DH diagnosis i would have always always said that i definitely wanted children, it was just a given without ever really thinking about it. But now that its a very conscious decision as we have to chose clinics and treatments its got me thinking... do i really want to be a bore...

[closephine85]

Hi lugo

I think probably only you can answer your question. However, what you say about 'being a bore' probably relates more to someone's personality rather than whether they have kids or not. Perhaps you are more sensitive to stories about children and grandchildren because of your infertility problems. or perhaps the couple who didn't move because of cello lessons were just boring people to begin with anyway (they sound it!).

I'd like to think that I'm not a boring person (I have a 4 year old ds and struggling with secondary infertility). In my experience there are the couples (mothers in particular) who, once they have children, let their entire life change to suit those children (must be home by 6pm EVERY day for bath time etc) or there are those whose lives of course change, but they still do the things they enjoy and include the children along the way. I know which of those friends I'd rather spend my time with and who have the more rounded and grounded children!

I think ultimately what I am trying to say is, don't base your decision about whether or not to have children on how you think your life will change. ultimately, you will be in control of how fun you make it and having a child is amazingly fun in its own right, just a different kind of fun!

I hope this helps. Good luck whatever you decide to do!

[WootyWoo]

I agree, I always expected that I would have children, like you say without much thought, it was just a given.

Cue years of infertility... a miscarriage, all the hospital appointments, the bad news, the fear it will never happen, time passing, all your peers having babies, more tests, more bad news, failed IVF's, the generation younger than you all having babies, more failed IVF's, everyone has now given up on you having babies because you're now over the hill (me anyway!).

It's horrific. To have to go through so much makes you question how much you want it. I think that's natural. I'm having a lot of negative thoughts recently about having children but part of me wonders if it's my mind's way of dealing with the heartache for the purposes of self preservation!
Realising I perhaps still have a choice here gives me a little respite perhaps? ...and then I keep trying. Oh so conflicted (stubborn).

None of this is probably very helpful but I just wanted to let you know I understand. I wish you the best in whatever decision you reach.