Had all the tests - now what?

[vincentaroony]

I guess we have reached the 'unexplained' stage and I'm hoping for a bit of advice. 16 months of trying for DC1 and not a hint of a BFP. I'm 30 and DH is 34.

My cycles are regular, had a clear HyCoSy, good blood tests and using CBFM. All seems normal. My BMI is 22.5.

DH had 2 sperm analyses. Morphology maybe a bit low at 4% but he's seen a urologist who wasn't concerned at all.

So - now what? Our sex life is becoming a bit rubbish if I'm honest. It seems everyone I know is pregnant and it all makes me feel a bit tearful . It's like my life is on hold (job, house move etc) waiting for that BFP. Anyone in this boat or can make suggestions of anything we could try?

[Scottysmum2008]

It's tough when what you want doesn't happen as you'd hope and wish for, and my heart goes out to you.
With so much focus on trying it can become consuming, and the only reason for intimacy between couples.
The tests show you are both fine and healthy which is great. Time to take the focus off what has been driving you and take a break, like literally, a lovely holiday for you both to relax and concentrate on each other as people and rekindle the spark. DH most likely feels much like you do.
It's so tough but the focus needs to adjust as the strain you're both under with this can have the adverse effect of not conceiving.
Make plans together and talk, have a holiday, work on the house, take everything off hold and fill your time with each other and other goals, and it may just happen naturally.
Good luck

[vincentaroony]

Thanks for your reply scottysmum. You're right that putting everything on hold is silly. Sadly I've used up all except 2 days' holiday off work for this year! But we might be able to have a little break over the bank hol. And the kitchen needs painting

Did you struggle with ttc? Everyone I know seems to be pregnant without even trying!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Any tests done over 6 months ago should be discounted.

I do not think you should be classed as unexplained; all that means is that they have failed to find out what is wrong. Sometimes it is a "diagnosis" given to couples when they have not been investigated thoroughly enough.

When were his tests (as well as yours) last performed?. I would ask the gynaecologist team you are under further about the morphology and potential male factor issues, that is likely to have some bearing here.

You need to take the pressure off yourselves; even if you cannot go on a long holiday now use that time to go some place in the UK you've never visited.

[KL24]

Hi,

I'm almost to the same point. TTC DC1 32 months All test completed - Due to get results next week (late in starting tests due to head in sand syndrome!) Dreading the 'unexplained' diagnosis as much as the 'never happening' TBH.

Our sex life took a bit of a dip till we actually sat and acknowledges it was a bit pants and just did a bit of a sex mot - what we wanted more/less of etc. I was just trying to keep it pressure free where he actually prefers to be told its the right time of the month(ish).

I can relate to your boat - I worried about putting life on hold waiting for the BFP worried about the what, if's and maybes,,,til i didn't! I changed the job, just moved to the family sized house, got married less than a year ago, taking up new hobbies, Living life as full as i can,,,,

take your life off hold! regret doing something rather than doing nothing!

yet i'm still sad, I still cry often, I'm still waiting for the BFP! I feel horrible for not being content with all that I have but relieved my life has not stood still.

and I just see pregnant people EVERWHERE!

Fingers crossed for the BFP for you very soon!

[Scottysmum2008]

My circumstances are a little different in that we are trying for dc2 after 7 years.
It didn't occur to me that with it not happening just because we had decided to start trying that it could become such a big thing.
Much like you I didn't want to plan anything else as I was waiting for the test that would be positive, and then the next stage of our lives would begin.
I have made real efforts with the help of my dh to put my focus on something else; don't get me wrong, it has been and continues to be a difficult journey and when it's the wrong time of the month I see baby bumps everywhere and it seems that everyone I know pregnant say it 'just happened'!
You have not been silly and what the other ladies have commented on in this thread are right.
Keep talking, especially on the darker days

[vincentaroony]

Thank you Attila, the tests were around 6 months ago now. I have an appointment with the (lovely) fertility consultant next week so I feel a bit better armed now to ask about repeating tests or further investigations. I did ask about morphology before but they said it was not an issue (was 4% then 3%), I'll ask again, not convinced!

Good luck with your test results KL24. I hope you get some reassurance. DH and I are the opposite way round to you I think - I'm the one with the CBFM and Ovia app, he wants to chuck all that. He's probably right! Thank you for your kind words. I've just applied for an absolutely brilliant job. If I got it I think it would distract me for a while! Really good luck with your BFP too!

That must be difficult for you Scottysmum. I had the same attitude at the beginning - you just expect it to happen the way it seems to be for everyone else. Good luck getting your BFP too. It's so good to get some reassurance from others in the same boat - even if it's just to say it's ok to feel like this and that life should carry on in the meantime! I hope it works out for you soon

I'm wondering if we went private, would we be offered additional tests? One thing in the back of my mind is about my hormone levels. Since I came off the pill I have more excess hair and I feel sweaty often lovely eh! It's that question of whether to just be patient or whether to try to push the process along...

[Phineyj]

If you can afford to go private, then I'd consider it. Blood tests we had done privately had way more detail than NHS ones. Also, the NHS does everything so sloooowly. Try to find a consultant who is a problem-solver - bonus if they're 'lovely', but what you need here is effective! Good luck.

[vincentaroony]

You're so right Phineyj - 'lovely' doesn't necessarily deliver results! I don't know if we can afford to go private really. I've a feeling it could quickly spiral to the point where we couldn't afford it. In the back of my mind I'm hanging on in case we need to pay for IVF. I hate all the not knowing!

Ive lurked that thread minx! I'm such a Mumsnet lurker - it's nice to say something for once! I'll pop over and say hello.

[KL24]

Good luck with the job application vincentaroony

I've been having similar thoughts as you with going private. I'm hate the not knowing too - It seams my GP, consultant and anyone at my local NS hospital are rediculously slow at everything.

Have you been given treatment options for your unexplained or is that what your hoping to find out next week or are you going back to the start on the testing?

Phineyj - any advice on how to start looking for a good private consultant. In your experiance how has private been v's NHS

[vincentaroony]

Thank you - no job news yet!

I don't know what the next stage is yet. The appointment next week is a follow-up to the HyCoSy I had a couple of months ago. I've already had a letter through saying everything's fine though. DH was also referred to a urologist where he got a clean bill of health. I don't know what the consultant will say. I'm worried it's going to be a case of 'keep trying', whereas I would prefer to have something to try next after 20 cycles of nothing. The urologist suggested IVF would be next but I don't think we'd be eligible for it on the NHS yet and perhaps it would be a bit of an extreme measure at this stage. I'll be interested to hear what your next steps are KL24 - have you had a HyCoSy? That was next for us after blood/sperm tests.

[KL24]

Hi,

Ohh yeah ive had the HyCoSy, they called is a HSG (but the same thing). no letter to tell me the results yet I just got referred for an internal ultrasound which I've now been for 2 months ago and now have a letter back for a consultation - hopefully get some results back for all my tests at last. My Dh didn't get referred to a Urologist, the GP requested bloods and seamen analysis right at the start before they wanted to do any tests on me - so we know he's fine!

So we are pretty much at the same point then - I'm hoping for a plan of attack rather than keep trying too. Whens your appointment - we'll have to compare notes!

[vincentaroony]

Yes sounds like we're at the same point! Monday morning is my consultant appointment. I'll push for the 'plan of attack'! When's your appointment?

[KL24]

Scary times isn't it! So only 4 more sleeps to go for you ! Hope you get all your questions answered and get next steps in motion swiftly.

My turns on Wednesday, I shall be ready armed with a humungous lists of why, how, whens and if's and if they are not fully discussed at great length and detail, I plan on a sit in protest until everything is explained at least twice!,,,during the whole of this time I'm sure my DH will sit there bewildered and not utter a single word lol best start working out what questions I should actually be asking!

[vincentaroony]

3 sleeps now! Inspired by your list - I will write down my thoughts also. It's easy for your mind to go blank once you're in there. Best to make the most of the opportunity to question the consultant. I'll write down anything I want to talk about.

Your DH sounds like mine! He just thinks we aren't DTD often enough...sorry DH but twice a day is not going to happen! I'll feed back after my appointment in case anything comes up that might help you too.

[KL24]

Popping on very quickly just to say thinking about you and wish you a very productive appointment tomorrow,,,hope you get all the answers and detailed plan of attack

[vincentaroony]

That's so lovely of you, thank you

Well, it was rubbish. Next step is IVF - nothing else he could suggest except that we keep trying. I've had 18 periods and not one BFP

We're in Hampshire and what they offer is 1 round of IVF after 3 YEARS. So that's 20 months more we need to keep at it before we can even join a waiting list for one shot at IVF.

I'm lost. It's worse than I thought. I don't think I can wait 2 more years. DH thinks we should though. Hes convinced it's going to happen naturally. I wish I could be so optimistic.

[KL24]

Oh vince that is pants!! Hold in there!
My DH is just the same! I wan't a massive pin to pop his optimistic bubble and poke him in the eye whilst I'm at it.

for your sanity, would private IVF be an option? (even a modest saving plan could still be quicker than the NHS wait). Tell the DH to repeat 10 times daily 'happy wife = happy life' till he learns to agree with you on anything and everything!

This TTC stuff isn't as fun an exciting as I expected it to be!
My turn on Wednesday

[vincentaroony]

Thank you. I think we will aim for private IVF after 2 years if I don't get pregnant before then. Looking at the statistics on NHS site, 92% of couples pregnant within 2 years, 93% within 3 years. I don't want to keep going an extra year for that 1% chance.

The statistics have also helped DH get on side. He just keeps pointing out all the people he knows who have got pregnant straight away when 10 years older than us/severely overweight/heavy drinkers and smokers. The unfairness of it all!

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow KL

[Teaandcake91]

This may or may not be what you want to hear and if it makes you feel worse instead of better as I intended then I'm sorry. We were ttc for 4 and a half years. All the tests done. Unexplained. Just accepting that we were going to start ivf. Then I got pregnant and am now 20 weeks. Nothing majorly different that month although I had been using an app to track fertile days instead of ovulation tests for a couple of months. The point I want to make is, I've been where you are. Everyone around is pregnant. It's soul destroying. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope.

[vincentaroony]

Congratulations on your pregnancy teaandcake! 4 and a half years is such a long time. I've heard lots of people say they have become pregnant just before starting treatment - I wonder why that is. We'll keep on trying. I know it's not been that long compared to many people. I think you just get a feeling that something must be wrong if you haven't become pregnant after a few months. You're proof that isn't necessarily the case!

[MummyPiggy87]

Hey. I just wanted to share my story as it's always nice to here a positive when your ttc!
Me and my dh were ttc for about 2-3 years 26 and 28 years old. Nothing was happening so we were referred to see a consultant at the hospital who ran some tests, first of all me to make sure I was ovulation and there were no blockages in my tubes, came back clear. Dh had two sperm tests which came back
Count - 10 mil
Morph - 6%
Mobility - 40%
And then
Count 5,000
Morph - 3%
Mobility same

We were told due to this we were likely to need IVF. So on the waiting list we go. In the meantime he advised we used Wellman conception for men (which is meant to improve sperm somehow!) I would say roughly 3-4 months later I got my BFP! I'm now 25 weeks.
It does and can happen just stick at it, I know what you mean about the sex being less enjoyable I was totally the same. Good luck, you'll get there when the timings right

[vincentaroony]

Congratulations MummyPiggy! That's it, I'm splashing out on the Wellman vits! I'm enjoying the positive stories