Who to talk to?

[lugo40]

Hi all

We're fairly early on in the fertility process. Started trying jan 2014. Went to gp march 2015, I've had a polyp removed and have started a big weight loss campaign. Biggest surprise was finding out my husbands sperm motility is very low. Gp said our chances of getting preg are "dramatically reduced" and his results are "most unusual". So he's/we've been referred to a men's fertility specialist. I've told a few friends, some have been fab, some have acted like I have sworn at them and not contacted me since. I plucked up the courage to tell me mum and she said "oh well" and not mentioned it since. When I talk to husband he says I'm being negative as I'm looking into Ivf and he is trying to act like we might still get pregnant. I just don't no who to talk to but I feel so sad all the time. I've told work as I work with children and they've given me a new role meaning I'm not hands on with the families anymore and they have referred me for some counselling.
I don't want to keep bothering my friends who have been supportive but I figure we will wait a long time for this appointment and it's on my mind a lot. I don't want to make husband feel even sadder by showing how sad I am. It's such a difficult time and I just don't know who I should go to for support. I feel like I'm pathetic as so early in the process so why do I need so much support already. Any tips?

[18yearsoftrying]

You're not being pathetic.

You're dealing with a lot of emotional (& poss physical) challenging issues at the mo.

Fertilityfriends is a good website, I believe there is a section for men to chat to each other.

Your friends won't mention it for fear of upsetting you but you may see it that they don't care. Oh, the fights I had with mine about that!

As for your Mum, I'm sorry - this genuinely isn't a fob-off but I do believe its a generation thing. I was never asked any questions as they honestly had no sensible response. Might this be the same for your mum?

[purplemeggie]

Poor you - people so often don't know what to say, but that leaves you without the support you need. I agree with 18 that people don't mean to be rubbish/uncaring/fob you off, but they are so scared of saying the wrong thing that they end up saying nothing.

For me, the hardest part, emotionally, of this infertility journey was before I started treatment - coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't happening for us and deciding whether or not to get help and what lengths we wanted to go to. I was at the mercy of my hormones, approaching 40 and devastated at our inability to conceive. It's secondary infertility in our case - we have a 7 yo ds and I know I'm very lucky to have him, but I'm coming to terms with terrible guilt for not giving him a much-wished-for sibling.

Ironically, although there have been lots of ups and downs on this crazy IVF rollercoaster, doing something - anything - helped me and I feel much calmer about the whole thing.

Hopefully you can find some support here - I've found the infertility board on here to be massively helpful. Good luck.

[lugo40]

Thank you both for your replies. It's so reassuring to hear you say that hardest time was before treatment as I feel so pathetic finding it so hard and feeling low before we've even started treatment!

[18yearsoftrying]

I felt 'pathetic' too. When in actual fact, it's anything but. It really does make you question just how much you want a child. It makes you stronger, no matter which way you go. It is definitely character-building so please dont see it as pathetic People with no infertility issues can't understand just how heavy the emotional side is. I was going round in circles for years. Even now after finally achieving DD I go through a grieving process every month.

You'll learn over time who you can rely on & turn to when it comes to needing a hug.

[purplemeggie]

I agree - not pathetic at all. Having babies feels like something that everyone else can do without evening thinking about it and it's a kind of grief coming to terms with not having the family you hope for.

I was really reluctant to do IVF...I was scared about how my body would react and scared that it would damage my relationship with DH if I was tetchy and hormonal. And the thought of spending all that money and it not working...

....now, 18 months down the line and still not pregnant, I'm really glad we have tried it - and are continuing to try. It has brought DH and me closer together because we have had so many decisions to make and so many conversations about what we want to do at each stage. I was also frightened that one of us would want to stop and the other would want to keep going, but so far, we're on the same page.