Christening invite :(

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

First time posting as I need some advice from people more experienced in this!

I've been invited to a christening next month of a dear friend, and several other friends will be there who I haven't seen in a long time. They all have children and I'm literally the 'odd one out' in the group.

I've recently been told I can't have any (bio) children due to health issues, and treatment like ivf can't help due to the issue. No-one knows apart from my husband yet - I have already drifted away from the group somewhat, due to several friends relocating and/or choosing to spend more time with friends who are mums (as you do, no criticism here, but I do miss them a lot).

I'm just worried about how to handle the inevitable questions about our family plans - we were the last to get married as well, and the group were a little insensitive about that until he got around to proposing! I don't want to be upset around my friend on her big day but I don't know what to say without becoming visibly upset, my husband is a quiet guy and isn't one to pipe up in my defence.

Could I please ask how you guys would handle this situation? I already missed the last christening due to illness, and I would feel really bad at backing out!

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

Do you want to go? Really want to go? This is the first and most important question.

If you do, then I'd prepare a one-liner to fend off the questions. Whatever you are comfortable with - anything from "oh you know, if it happens, it happens" to "actually we can't have children...".

If you don't really want to go, then I'd call my friend and level with her. She will understand and she won't mind, its just a christening, its really only important to the parents at the end of the day.

I'm so sorry to hear your news by the way. We had a long wait to conceive our 2nd DC and it was a nightmare but it can't be a patch on what you are going through

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Thank you so much for your kind response! I do want to go as I love my friend to pieces, but it's really valuable to have some advice from someone who has a dc already as I don't want to offend anyone somehow!

[TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle]

We had them both christened too, the first one had a big party and the second one barely even got a cake . I really don't think it will be a big deal.

When people asked me the inevitable question about when dc2 was coming along I'd always say "well we are working on it, but we've not been lucky yet". I think people say stupid, thoughtless things because they are trying to make conversation, like talking about the weather... I didn't want to be rude but I also didn't want to pretend it didn't matter to me.

[lugo40]

Can you maybe go to the christening but not stay for the party after? that way you are supporting your friend but limiting the opportunity to be asked the question.

I also think its good to have a preprepared answer. Lie if you have to, my favourite is "oh we need the house to be liveable first" (we have recently moved to a house which is perfectly liveable but decor is dated. It normally stops the questions. Especially if you immediately ask someone a question like "oh we need the house to be liveable first. Is your sister still living at x"

I'm sorry for what you are going through, life is really unfair at times.

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Sounds like you're well practiced by now! I did think of the put off about 'if it happens' but then I thought of the anticipated christenings coming down the line in the next couple of years for my groups' dc2s, and thought better of it

I'm quite lucky (in a sense) as we found out before we were fully into the swing of trying - it's actually come up due to another health issue that was being treated at the time. They know about that issue, but because it's all rather complicated I don't want to hold court at someone else's do talking all about my foof either (and they're bloody nosy so hard to fob off).

I can't begin to understand how hard it must have been for you to try for so long not knowing, but I'm so pleased you got there in the end!

[Trooperslane]

Don't force it.

I'd level with your friend as pp suggested if you're close enough and you think she'll understand. Even a text.

Look after yourself x

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Thanks Lugo, we are actually moving at the moment so that sounds like a good one! They love talking about themselves so a way to get that going may get me off the hook!

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Thanks Trooperslane - who knew mumsnet could be so supportive? lurks guiltily in AIBU section

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Oops still getting used to the formatting! Darn html!

[Chrysanthemum5]

As the others have said I'd just say to your friend that while you are really pleased for her, you just can't attend. If I were your friend I wouldn't be offended at all. A text is fine if you don't want to talk about it yet.

[zoemaguire]

Can I just say, you sound like an absolutely lovely and thoughtful person, and I think you should do exactly what feels best for you and not worry about offending your friend - she will understand. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Thanks Chrys. My friend on her own is lovely - starting to think she may have an inkling of what is going on, as she's been offering to come out solo without her dcs to take me shopping.

Tempted to take her up on it, but also don't want her to think she needs to shut them away in the basement when I come round (as much as she may want to!)

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Ah thanks Zoe

[Vijac]

Sorry to hear that, and I hope you find another route that suits you. If you've been married a while you may find that people don't ask about your family plans as they may guess that you are not finding it easy to fall pregnant. I know I would ask before or within a year of marriage but after that would probably leave them to start the conversation. However, if they are close friends then I would probably tell them. 'We've found out that we're unable to have bio children but I'd rather nice t discuss the details Ring and tell them in advance if you'd rather it doesn't come up on the day. The alternative if it does come up is just 'we'll see', or 'maybe in the future' type comments.

[Vijac]

Not not necessarily nice

[Vijac]

Aargh not not nice!

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Haha!

[Chrysanthemum5]

I'd say trust your friend. I have DCs but I have friends and family who don't have children - I'm happy to meet up without the DCs, and actually it's good to have time just to talk and go shopping.

[MaizieDaiziesxx]

Chrys - I hope you realise how much that helps! You sound like a fab friend!

Sorry to cut and run but the MIL has decided to 'drop round'.. which I'm will be a whole different thread later !

Thank you all so much for your input !

[lildottie]

After 2 years ttc and an ivf mc my preferred response is "it's none of your business and very rude of you to ask" or "how would you like it if i enquired into your sex life" or something as likely to make them feel small. Of course I say none of this because I know the people asking it are only being friendly/making conversation and don't realise the hurt they are causing. I'd like to think one day we will live in a world where infertility is more understood and people think before they speak! I agree a one liner and a distraction is a good plan. I often say i'm focussing on my career or something. House also a good one for me at the moment although the fact i've bought one with so many bedrooms adds to the questions. I hope you get through the Christening with as few questions as possible and are able to enjoy it.