Coping Mechanisms

[Lifeisprecious84]

I am so relieved to find a place where I can seek support and hopefully empathise and help others. Up until now I have felt the weight of this struggle on my own but I am hoping this method of expression will both help and educate with ways of coping.

My husband and I have been trying for 10 months which I appreciate to some is a long time and to others it's not. For me it's a lifetime. Every period is another reminder of my failure. I feel that I'm being punished for something. 3 people I know have immediately become pregnant on their first attempts in the last month and they won't tell anyone else but they've all told me. Part of me thinks they've only told me to have a dig because they know i've been trying but then am I being too sensitive.

I had my Progesterone (21 day) blood test almost 2 weeks ago, the nurse put the wrong label on the bloods so the lab tested for everything else apart from my P levels. To top it off for the first time in years, I didn't come on as normal the following week and after 4 P/Tests, I'm definitely not pregnant. Now I have to wait for my next P and 21 days after that before I can try again.

It's worth mentioning that my husband has children from a previous relationship which isolates me even further as I've not been able to follow suit. My hubby is wonderful and very supportive but he's also powerless to do anything as am I. The waiting game is frustrating and although I try to 'get on with life' I feel like my life has stopped even though I keep busy. It's like I'm walking round in a daze because nothing else is important to me anymore. My job, my friendships...they all just seem irrelevant to me right now.

Does anybody have any coping mechanisms that helped them keep positive and stop it from becoming all encompassing and viewing everyone around you as purposely being nasty?

[Vap0]

I'd love to hear some coping mechanisms too...
life I totally understand where you are coming from.
Since trying (19 months) my sil has decided to have another and is due on monday, I can think of another 8 friends who have become pregnant in the last 6 months alone. It is so hard when you see pictures of scans, new babies or meet them in the flesh and know they hadn't even been thought about when I started trying. And to make matters worse then telling them through gritted teeth how happy you are for them. Don't get me wrong I am so happy for all of my friends and family who have little ones on the way (or have already have arrived) I'm just jealous.
So many of these conceived on their 1st cycle of trying. Or worse still "it just happened" and they "weren't even trying" and it's a bit of an "inconveince having to have the wedding dress resized".
Sorry to hear about your bloods. I was unlucky with that one too, on a very long cycle last year and after missing a test, as I was away with work, they sent me for totally unrelated tests - nothing to do with getting pregnant.
It's all so frustrating.
I'm sure your friends who have told you of their pregnancies haven't done it out if spite, they probably just needed someone to confide in and you must be a good listener. However it does feel very mush like an arrow through the heart when you hear of another one, doesn't it?!

Best of luck to you

[hawaiibaby]

It's really hard. All I can say is be kind to yourself so don't attend baby showers etc. or log on to Facebook if it will upset you. And don't be afraid to be honest with friends that you're find in it tough. People don't understand unless they've been there but you can help them to try. Wishing you both much luck

[Readyforthefuture]

The whole ttc thing is beyond frustrating and generally sucks, I feel your pain. I'm up to 3 years this month, nothing in this journey goes quickly, and I'm a pretty impatient person.

I will say this though, going through this has taught me to be patient, and appreciate some of the little things. A couple of things which help me are: reflexology (it feels like I'm doing something once a month rather than just helpless). When I'm really low, I've done hypnotherapy which makes you feel a bit stronger. And finally a book I've read a few times called 'trying to conceive - true stories of how couples overcame infertility'.

I'm still hopeful that one day it will happen for me, there is no physical reason why not so I can only conclude that preparing myself mentally could help. I do genuinely believe that I'll be a better mother for this, or maybe just a better person.

I hope it all work out for you, you're in good company here. Feel free to rant away

[Elektra83]

I also know how you're feeling. My best friend is pregnant at the moment and sometimes when she emails me about baby stuff I struggle. Thankfully it's email! But I will be seeing her soon (she doesn't live in the UK) and I'm torn between excitement to see her but also dreading it because I will see her in her pregnant glory! It's a horrible feeling. I should just be excited but it's hard knowing it won't happen for us that way.

My coping mechanism has been throwing myself into work. For the past few months I've realised I've just been working as much as I can. Feel restless at weekends because I'm not working - that's not good I know. It has helped though.

A friend of mine took around 2 years to have her baby and she had a miscarriage before that. The best bit of advice she gave me was to make sure I always had something to look forward - at least one thing every month or something.

I think I am now throwing myself into exercise too now but I need to be careful as I will obsess/stress about that (need to get my bmi down for ivf etc)

[belkins]

Lifeisprecious (it really is!), I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Please don't feel alone, this forum has been an absolute godsend for me in the past. I've been ttc for 7yrs now and my coping mechanisms have changed over the years....

The one overwhelming piece of advice I can give and reeeeeally stress is to try and not compare yourself to others. As difficult as that may be (and believe me, I KNOW it is), bear in mind that the person who told you it 'only took one month' - it really took them a year but they don't want to admit it. That other lady who told you 'it was a mistake'? She's been secretly wishing for it to happen but her husband has been against it/the timing wasn't right/she's already had a miscarriage.

I've learnt that infertility (and miscarriage especially) is SUCH a taboo subject that woman/men/couples just don't like talking about it. So they create a story (and to be fair, why shouldn't they?).

I've seen other couples suffering and shutting themselves off from the world and friends, fearful of coming face to face with pregnancy and babies. Whilst I wont judge them for it, I've had to be different in my approach as 7yrs is a long time to cut yourself off - I'd be a hermit by now! Saying that, I'd always advocate being gentle with yourself and choose your battles wisely. If you're asked to go to a baby shower, come up with an excuse and don't go. Don't torture yourself.

Like Readyforthefuture, I've learnt how to appreciate the small stuff. Take advantage of any opportunities to experience something different. I finally fulfilled a lifelong dream to see the Northern Lights at Christmas which I just wouldn't have done if I had a baby or was pregnant. Bitter sweet.

Whatever you do, try to keep talking. Educate those who seem so insensitive. And don't put your life on hold. I've missed out on holidays, weddings, nights out... 'just in case' I was pregnant. I've learnt that only hurts more in the long run.

Best of luck and rant away.

[Lifeisprecious84]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and offering support in my time of need. It's really appreciated.

Vapo - sorry to hear you have been unsuccessful too and yes it absolutely feels like a stab in the heart sub-consiously although consciously you know they don't mean anything by, it's just their life and what's happened to them and also it's not like they can hide it! Perhaps out of courtesy their letting us know sooner to get used to the idea.

Hawaii - Completely agree, I came off Facebook last year and it was the best thing I ever did! I did have to go to 2 b/s last year as they were my 2 best friends and it was HELL! literally everyone was either pregnant or just given birth and everyone I said hello to did the usual "it'll be you next" and "When are you going to start trying", I smoked at the time and spent the remainder of both parties outside chain smoking knowing no-one else would join me there!

RFTF - Thank you for your advice, what does the Reflexology do? I've been told about Acupuncture but it's so expensive it's hard to know what to do for the best. You have the right outlook, if nothing is wrong then perhaps it's just taking longer but that doesn't mean anything. Since i've been trying and confiding in the women in my life I have been privy to a whole new world I wasn't aware of. All of a sudden everyone is telling me "oh yeah, it took me 4 years to conceive" and various other lengthy periods of time so I guess the key is to focus on being mind and body healthy and the rest is up to fate.

Elektra83 - It's the hardest part when it's your close friend. Is she aware of your struggles to conceive? if she does then she should be sensitive to your situation and not overkill on the pregnancy talk, if she does I would have a gentle discussion about how your glad to see her and that she's doing well but that your not having such a great time with it and it's hard to hear?
I absolutely would throw myself into work but unfortunately I hate my job. Luckily I have found a career I do want to pursue that I have really taken up in the last few months which has been a real positive driver as you have said. When I'm not at work / gym I am studying and practicing and it is helping.
I like the advice from your friend about looking forward to something. I have booked in some spa treatments over the next few months and it has cheered me up to look ahead to things I enjoy so thank you (and your friend) for that! When are you beginning IVF? I hope you have a successful outcome.

Belkins - I too am also sorry for the wait you are experiencing, it's so raw and a whole world I've only just really become accustomed too. Even I started off believing it was a taboo subject thinking 'That won't happen to me' and now I learn its so much more common than I first thought and experiencing it myself.
I absolutely need to learn to be kinder to myself and will work on this... I'm still very much in a place of 'I'm being punished' and 'why me' and 'will it ever happen'... but I know I need to be more positive and nicer to myself as I've done nothing wrong.
I'm very jealous you saw the Northern lights! Its definitely a great shout to enjoy living and do the things that would otherwise be impossible, I will get planning and keep enjoying the red wine!

Thank you all for your help and supportive information, I really appreciate it.

[HP07]

Hi, we've been ttc for 16 months now. Due to some irregular menstrual bleeding I was finally diagnosed with endometrioma, a cyst on my ovary, towards the end of last year. It is very difficult to cope when others around you seem to have no problem falling pregnant and you are trying so hard. When we started trying I was realistic and realised that it doesn't always happen straight away. But after a colleague falling pregnant by accident and a close friend managing to get pregnant 2 months after getting married, it really does get you down. There have been lots of tears. My advice is this; do you know anyone else who has struggled to get pregnant? Perhaps you could talk to them. My elder sister tried for 12-18 months before falling pregnant with her first daughter and now she has two. If you are close to a relative like a sister or maybe a cousin, talk to them. They can sometimes give you perspective and also help you when you feel sad and alone. Groups like this are helpful too. I think the hardest part is that people's expectations are not realistic. Not many people like to talk openly about infertility (me included) so most women grow up believing that they can have a baby whenever they are ready, like as soon as they are married, or have a strong partner and a decent place to live. Most of the time it doesn't work like that and that is so hard to accept. I have just had a laparoscopy and am wishing and hoping with all my might that this is the answer we have been looking for. Over the next 6 months I guess we shall see. Good luck.