Accepted my infertility but still sad that I will never meet Martha or Lucas

[DorisIsALittleBitPartial]

Sorry that this has turned out to be a long post, I just feel at the moment that I need to get this off my chest.

After I split up with my ex about 15 years ago I decided it was time to do something about my terrible periods. I was living away from the town I'd always lived in (and live again now) so had a different doctor. She was fantastic, and sent me for lots of tests to find out what was going on - bloods, ultrasound etc.

When I went for the results she told me that the results had indicated that I was unlikely to conceive, I wasn't releasing eggs even though my body was going through the process of ovulation and I would be "fast-tracked" for IVF if I hadn't conceived after 6 months.

I was devastated. I'd never been a particularly maternal person, but thought that was just because I was young and one day my body clock would start ticking.

Now I am in my mid-40s and my body clock never started to tick. When I met DH I told him at the beginning. I told him that I would rather be happy with my DP as we were, just the two of us, than risk my relationship by going through IVF which may not work and would potentially put stress on our relationship (I hope I don't upset anyone by saying this, I was basing it on a couple of friends of mine who were going through IVF at the time, one of whom lost all her hair through alopecia because of the stress). I didn't want that for myself, I just wanted to get on with life and accept the card I had been dealt. DH accepted that.

And it's been fine for the last 15 years. I've lived my life, had fun and thought that I had accepted my lot. In the meantime though, I have HATED anyone around me that has fallen pregnant, irrationally feeling betrayed by them (yeah, I know how that sounds!), and have also insisted that DH wear condoms when we have sex. If I'm supposed to be infertile then I didn't want to accidentally fall pregnant, as has happened to some of my friends. I didn't think I could cope with that once I'd accepted my infertility.

But now I'm at the latter ends of my "fertile years" and I wonder what my children would look like, smell like. Would they be short and round like me or tall and slender like DH, dark like me or pale like DH? I've even named them, my never-children - Lucas and Martha.

I'm the bitch on the bus that glares at you while your child cries, while secretly taking a sideways look at their soft skin and wondering what their hair smells like. And when yummy mummy coos and chats with her DC I wonder what I would say if that was me.

I don't feel broody though, I just wonder how different things could have been.

[Blue2014]

I just wanted to pop in with a hand squeeze for you. I sometimes think whatever we choose we end up questioning what the alternative would be

[DorisIsALittleBitPartial]

Thank you Blue, and yes you are right. I'm mostly coping with it but sometimes I get a bit melancholy and imagine this other rose-tinted life. I know I made my choices for the right reasons at the time and have to stand by them.