Supporting a friend through ivf

[Ifithelps]

I'm hoping I for some insight into how I could best support my lovely friend as she goes through IVF.

She has had an unspeakably crappy time fertility wise, and discovered she was going through the menopause just after getting married in her early thirties.

They took the decision to use donor eggs, which I know has been difficult for her and caused lots of anxiety.

It's a few years down the line now and they have now started the their IVF journey and the first round hasn't been successful. I know she is worried it won't work at all and I so want to say something useful and supportive but I'm worried I will say the wrong thing.

[Ifithelps]

Sorry pressed sent by mistake. If anybody has been in a similar situation or could offer some insight, I would be very grateful.

[DRSLondon]

She's lucky to have a supportive friend. It will make a big difference. My advice is to be realistic without being negative.You might be tempted to be overly positive ("it will happen") but it's frustrating to hear. Let your friend vent without adding your own opinions or dismissing them when she tries to be realistic. All you need to do is listen. Make it clear you’re there for her. If they need to talk or ask your advice, she will. X

[ihaveadirtydog]

I'm hoping I could get some advice from this thread too as my best friend is also just about to start.
I have 2 children who she has always been very helpful with and interested in so trying to keep a balance between continuing things as normal and being wary of rubbing her nose in it.
She has mentioned before that she has been upset when people don't ask her how the process is going so I make sure I show an interest but don't want to appear nosy or intrusive.
I just desperately want it to work for her (as I'm sure she does too -understatement) and when we have been talking about plans for next year I mention the fact that she could have a baby by then (she does this too so am following her lead really) but don't know if this is right.
Any advice gratefully received

[inconceivableme]

I found it immensely difficult when I was dealing with infertility and unable to conceive naturally. I became depressed and isolated myself socially for a long time as I found it so hard to be around babies, children and pregnant women, including those children of good friends and pregnant friends unfortunately.
The US-based infertility organisation Resolve has some useful resources for family and friends of those dealing with infertility and IVF etc: www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/
You could also contact Infertility Network in the UK for advice.
And, of course, ask your friend how they would like you to support them and how much they want to share with you etc. It's very difficult to find the right balance if you've not experienced infertility yourself and, of course, everyone is different. Some people are resolutely positive, or private about their infertility, while others want to share every detail as that helps them the most too. Be aware that your friend may well feel embarrassed or ashamed by her infertility - I know that I did. I also felt incredibly angry, frustrated and desperate. The uncertainty of the whole process is a real ordeal.
Good luck to you both!

[cherrycoconut]

Ifithelps The person you have written about in your post could actually be me. I'm not sure there are any pearls of magic wisdom you can offer but what a lovely friend you are. Sometimes just empathising with how difficult it must be and being there for a cry or a shoulder rub is all that matters. I'm sure you're doing great.

[inconceivableme]

Well said cherry. Wishing you well for your treatment.