Stupid things people say about infertility...(81 Posts)
This week from MIL:
"Infertility is nature's way of telling a couple they don't belong together."
She doesn't know DH and I have been TTC unsuccessfully for nearly three years. She said this about her friend's daughter who has endometriosis. Apparently if she met the right man, the endo would magically disappear
Another gem from a friend who has switched to a gluten free diet:
"People struggling to conceive should give up gluten. They'd get pregnant then."
She doesn't know we're TTC either. Don't want to be pestered to give up the things I love!
What stupid things about fertility have you all heard?
Holy moly maryz just that, I'm speechless at that one! And mewling I feel your pain.....
I think my personal favourite remains the "just relax" line...... Heard at regular stress inducing intervals from just about everyone. Kindly have sex and travel people......not helpful, not helpful at all!
MaryZ what an absolute cow bag!!
Yep, she is a cowbag. She's said some awful stuff to the kids as well - I don't see her any more, thankfully.
Reading these comments really brings me back - the "relax ... get a cat ... book a holiday ... I knew a woman once who ate seaweed/arsenic/dog poo and got pregnant the first month after that" comments used to really get me down.
What I hated most was the Irish habit of patting on the stomach and saying "anythin' stirrin' " which seemed to follow me around for years.
to everyone living through this.
After my dd was born thru straight surrogacy (not biologically mine but conceived for me and mine from an ovum)
"Ah how lovely, but I still think you'll have your own baby one day"
Er ummm wtf?
To my friend who has had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and had to have both tubes totally removed as they were so mangled ....
"It often happens once you think you can't have them"
Er ummm not if you have no tubes ...
After ttc for 5 years and finally giving birth to a beautiful little girl via IVF we were still in the hospital when mil asked when we were going to have the next one?! And she knew all about our issues. We still get it now from others too. Drives me crazy.
Oh and also for "are you sure you're doing it right? Ha ha ha".
Stop trying, relax, forget about it and it will just happen. And they have always got a story about someone who did just that. How can 'relaxing' mend Fallopian tubes or correct an ovulation problem?
In my darkest moments I do sometimes toy with the idea that DH and I shouldn't be together since we don't seem to work properly and there's no identifiable reason. I'm allowed to think this sometimes because 3 years of TTC has pushed me to the brink and forced me to evaluate things I took for granted. If someone actually said it to me (especially my MIL) I would be devastated!
Really helps reading these posts. What about the stupid things we tell ourselves as well? For me, it's mostly just thinking its my fault & I'm not doing the right things, but at my lowest points I wonder if I'm being punished for something. Stupid me!
Solaia - crossed posts with you - I've thought that as well! Terrible & definitely not true.
We've had the usual
Relax and it'll happen
You're trying too hard!
And since telling my mother that ivf is the only option...
That's a shame, oh well it was never meant to be, that's it for grandchildren for us then.
That article was amazing to read. I wish I could share my thoughts and feelings 'in real life' to people. But I do keep it as a shameful secret. We've had a baby boom in my work place over the last 2 years and workmates are always saying 'oh my money is on you next' etc. At one point I always thought I would be! But the announcements keep coming in and I'm fading into the shadows and avoiding the tea room when maternity leave ladies bring their bundles of joy in to show off. Should I say something in work? I don't know!
Victoria401 I would say something if it's upsetting you. I did. Babies were brought into work two days in a row when I returned to work (too soon) after mc in Feb. Every time a baby is in our office one colleague always says 'it'll be you next' or 'when are you going to get cracking with having kids?' I ended up having a quiet word with her. Just honestly told her how long I'd been ttc for and that I'd not been on holiday for the last two weeks! I made her cry because she felt so stupid for being thoughtless, but it was worth it. She's super nice to me now!
Solaia - I've had that thought too. So pleased I'm not alone in my crazy thoughts! I don't know what I'd do without my DH though. The only good thing to come out of this whole ttc mess is that it has brought us closer together than we thought possible and has made us appreciate the smallest of things.
My 'desperate to be a grandmother' mum said a few weeks ago 'why didn't you start trying earlier' .... um, because I'm not a psychic and didn't ask for this to happen!
and big hugs to everyone. xx
Hi all, the fab things we are advised makes me SCREAM of course in my head.
Your problem is you don't relax!
When the time is right!
Look you have one child! ( needless to say DP should make do with none of his own!)
What's the hurry? ( well I am 33 soon to be 34 )
If it's to be it'll be!
On finding out my sister pregnant my mother said " poor love she needs us all to knuckle down and help her as it happened sooner than she wanted!"
On my SIL finding out the infertility issue wasn't me was her brother " well that's a relief it's not you!" Excuse me did I miss something ?
Now I get to hear her say about her baby wants to know when it will get a cousin? And now she is pregnant again , that's right 2 babies and she is feeling sorry for herself as she is hot in weather at 15 bloody weeks ( erm excuse me but I would love to be being violently sick and hot if it meant I had a baby for myself, your brother and my DD would get her much longed for sibling!)
Dreadfully sorry ladies just really bad times . X
Big hugs dildoos, we're here for you and we totally understand and 'get it' when others really just CAN'T! X
Thank you Victoria. I didn't actually realise how much stress came out until I started writing all that down. I may try it in a diary or something?
I don't know how to word this with out wishing it on you all, but it's nice to meet others that have to take this from others too ! ( however I wish none of us did ,) x
It's not just to women, either. I have a male colleague who has confided in me that he and his wife have fertility problems - my husband and I are going through IVF at the moment, so my colleague and I chat from time to time.
We were at a work party, and a big group of our colleagues were teasing him about the fact that they haven't had children. He's the office joker and I don't think it ever occurred to anybody that this subject should be off-limits. I waded right in there with "they only got married last year: give them a break" - but I was mortified for him.
From SIL who had neither boyfriend nor child at the time 'Don't worry I'll be able to provide the parents (MY PIL) with a grandchild'. Like after 6 years of infertility that was going to make me feel better. She was so pissed off when I did have a baby a couple of years later just before she got married.
People are unbeliveable!
After getting a cat I was asked "why don't you have a real child instead".
I've also been told "you're not getting any younger".
Since telling people we can't have children I've been asked:
Have you tried lying down after? Maybe you're not doing it right? Is the problem with you or him? Why don't you just adopt?
I've also been told I can get a baby from Russia. How on earth they think that's a good idea I do not know haha!
After telling a friend (who has a baby) about our 18 months ttc without success I was told to 'make the most of it'. I don't want to make the most of it, I want to start a family. A few holidays and lie-ins do not make up for the worry and despair that comes with not being able to get pg.
I have also been told that I am putting myself under too much pressure to have a baby. Erm, not really, I just made a few positive changes - job/house/lifestyle - so that I would be ready.
Oh and 'why don't you just try and forget about it' then I'm sure it will happen. Good on anyone who can operate in total denial but that's not me!!
That feels better!
Its crazy isn't it?! I found a really good print out from an infertility webpage that you're meant to give to family and friends with things not to say/do etc. I feel like handing them out to the whole world!
My favourite so far came from a group of my husband's male friends who came round for dinner. 2 of them got their wives pregnant straight after getting married and they were congratulating themselves and said "i was just glad that the wee man works". (We are scottish).
In fairness, they do not know our situation, but it was horrific, particularly for mr Jesse who had recently had a substandard semen analysis.
No wonder we all feel like hibernating through this!
Jesse we have heard exactly the same, every time one of DH's friends announces their wife's pregnant it's followed by 'at least I know I'm not firing blanks' or some such shite. Makes me want to kick them right in the semen-making area!!
The "relax and it'll happen" crowd as usually those who have been able to get pregnant in a month or two. I was quite relaxed at that point too. Less so after a couple of years...
Yup. I've taken to smiling breezily at them and saying "you might as well suggest that I don't breathe for a bit." So annoying.
Our infertility is secondary. DS is 6 now...and it's been a little while since anyone asked if we were planning to have any more. It used to make me well up - particularly when we'd conceived after 3 years of trying and then miscarried.
But actually, that's another REALLY annoying thing people say - when you've just miscarried - "at least you know you can conceive now..." - That's true, but I'm no nearer to having a baby.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I've read them all with a face like this People are UNBELIEVABLY insensitive, but it does help to read I'm not alone!
In work this week if I've been a bit clumsy people have said "I've heard that's a sign of pregnancy!" then looking at me as if expecting me to say "Yep, you got me! I'm pregnant!"
Just wondering how long it takes post-wedding for the comments to dry up...
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