Stupid things people say about infertility...

(81 Posts)
alarox Fri 06-Jun-14 15:50:07

This week from MIL:

"Infertility is nature's way of telling a couple they don't belong together."

She doesn't know DH and I have been TTC unsuccessfully for nearly three years. She said this about her friend's daughter who has endometriosis. Apparently if she met the right man, the endo would magically disappear hmm

Another gem from a friend who has switched to a gluten free diet:

"People struggling to conceive should give up gluten. They'd get pregnant then."

She doesn't know we're TTC either. Don't want to be pestered to give up the things I love!

What stupid things about fertility have you all heard?

The thing your MIL said is just awful.

However I think there is something in the gluten part. I have endometriosis and took gluten and lactose out of my diet, my condition improved a lot. Not enough to get pregnant naturally, but I do think it was a factor in my successful round of IVF.

MyFeetAreCold Fri 06-Jun-14 15:57:59

It's nature's way of controlling the population. (Wtf? No one says that to people with terminal illness do they?)

Just adopt. (No, you just adopt.)

LadyIsabellaWrotham Fri 06-Jun-14 16:03:47

Oh god, even on MN you still see "if I can't get pg I'll just adopt".

tiktok Fri 06-Jun-14 16:06:45

A friend of mine who struggled with fertility issues for a long time hates people who say 'Maybe you're trying too hard?' or 'Just relax - maybe you are too stressed?'

Talk about blame the victim angry

myitchybeaver Fri 06-Jun-14 16:13:20

It's awful. My infertility was made infinitely harder by ignorant and insensitive attitudes and beliefs.

My own mother who had 3 healthy babies, the sex she wanted, conceived the month she wanted had told me all my life how the only important thing in life was 'to be a mother'.

When I couldn't conceive she told me that I was not destined to be a mother and I just accept it, stop whinging, basically. Some people are just not meant to mothers apparently. My negativity and depression was probably the reason I wasn't getting pregnant - NO I was depressed because I couldn't get pregnant, you mad selfish bitch!

3 DC later, I am so happy and love being a mother and have a distant relationship with my 'mother'.

I am so sorry to anyone suffering for all the ignorance and all the hurtful things said flowers

Oh yes I used to be told that as sooooon as I stopped thinking about it, I would get pregnant. It have me The Rage so bad.

MyFeetAreCold Fri 06-Jun-14 16:24:34

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/06/i-know-the-pain-of-infertility-and-talking-about-it-helps?CMP=fb_gu

This article pretty much nailed it for me. And the comments could fill this thread.

roadwalker Fri 06-Jun-14 16:28:23

A friend who had 4 children told me, once you reach a certain age the desire to have a child will disappear
How the hell would she know that?

alarox Fri 06-Jun-14 16:34:04

Wow, people are so thoughtless! tak1ng, congrats on your successful IVF. Out of interest, did you have any symptoms of gluten/lactose intolerance other than infertility?

I am so close to coming out of the infertility closet to stop people asking when we're going to have kids. But they won't shut up then, will they? There'll be all this 'advice' to 'help'. I know I couldn't keep my sarcasm down. "Relax? Oh my GOD I DID NOT THINK OF THAT! Thank you so much! I'll name the baby after you!"

*dislaimer: not usually this wound up. Stressful week smile

alarox Fri 06-Jun-14 16:41:26

Thanks for the article MyFeetAreCold thanks

Jackie0 Fri 06-Jun-14 16:47:25

I remember being offended at a certain person jumping to the conclusion that it was me that was infertile. She'd been raving on for ages about acupuncture to help with ovulation and didn't even look embarrassed when I said " why would I do that? My dh is infertile not me'.
It's an assumption a lot of peopke make.
If anyone is interested infertility is one third female, one third male and the remainder is unexplained.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Fri 06-Jun-14 16:51:28

one of my oldest friend came to stay with us while she helped her sister with her new baby. unfortunately I miscarried at 8 weeks when she was staying.

I didn't tell her because I did not want to put her in a difficult position - and I was ok hearing about her sister's baby. life goes on etc.

it was all fine - except when she said her sister DH needed to rush home from work as they had a new baby and DP & I didn't need to rush home as there were no children at home.

drinkyourmilk Fri 06-Jun-14 16:57:10

I hate being told that when I stop trying so hard it will happen naturally. I want to tear off their heads. This is NOT our fault.

Yes ala I had woeful IBS. That's why I originally took gluten and lactose out but then I noticed that I did not need such strong painkillers when my period came and eventually didn't need any at all (from taking Mefanemic acid and co-codamol and still vomiting with pain).

MrsHY1 Fri 06-Jun-14 17:08:58

The 'relax and it'll happen' old chestnut always got to me, big style. A friend wig has been TTC for some time now asked me whether I thought stress was playing a part in delaying things. I told her that during my third FET, using the very last two of nine blastos created from an IVF cycle that put me in hospital with OHSS, I had never been more stressed. Work was crazy, we had spent thousands on tests, we'd watched 7 blastos perish by that point and I was beside myself. And yes, that was the successful cycle that led to the six month old DD currently power napping in her buggy beside me. Good luck OP smile

MrsHY1 Fri 06-Jun-14 17:10:01

That should read 'a friend who.' Bloody autocorrect- what the hell is a friend wig!!!

roadwalker Fri 06-Jun-14 17:17:35

If it was stress then fertility treatment would never work
Parking, hospitals, cost, tracking cycle and injections is enough to stress the most calm person

tiktok Fri 06-Jun-14 17:17:46

A 'friend wig' is a wig you are particularly fond of....obv! I am not sure why they would be wanting to reproduce themselves, though smile

chislemum Fri 06-Jun-14 17:20:54

"it is not meant to be"....

People can be awful/thoughtless....

VenusDeWillendorf Fri 06-Jun-14 17:27:25

Listen gals, just some advice from someone who waited too long ttcing, if you've been TTCing for more than 6 months, you should go and see a fertility clinic, your dp and you need a full work up.

Often it's the sperm that are faulty and multivitamins and minerals can make a difference there as it takes about three months for a sperm to be made. A work up of your DH will indicate who needs to make the most changes to increase your chance of success.

Best of luck to you all- my DH and I were three years TTCing, and it turned out that his sperm were wonky.

I heard all the above and worse, and it was eye poppingly infuriating, as I knew it was in essence my DHs problem, but all his family (and mine, and everyone else) assumed it was my ovaries/ tubes etc etc.
I think I would have swung for murder by the end of it- especially when people said "relax, it will happen!"

I suppose no one knows why some people can't have babies, or haven't had them yet, and so we have all these stupid ideas and sayings to prattle off so we feel better about someone's painful situation. As someone said, "advice costs nothing, and is worth every penny".

No excuse for rudeness or thoughtlessness though, and I wish all the best of luck.

We had IVF on and off for 4 years and I had these pearls of wisdom wink

Just relax

Maybe you should accept the cards you've been dealt

You're not getting any younger

I'm the only one in the street without grandchildren (my mother)!

Is he putting it in the right place!

My ex was azoo, we were never going to get pregnant naturally. Thankfully we have a 6 year old after 5 cycles grin

Maryz Fri 06-Jun-14 17:59:54

"Maybe this is God's way of telling you you shouldn't have children" - more than one lovely holy person hmm

Or my sister in law, when I did get pregnant after 12 years of marriage and two adopted children:

"Isn't it a pity you didn't know you could get pregnant in the end, you needn't have bothered adopting the others".

Cow

alarox Fri 06-Jun-14 18:18:09

Just speechless at these comments sad

I'm no saint mind, I remember in my early twenties asking a colleague when she was going to make baby number two cringes how ignorant I was! I hope these people will also be mortified one day at the things they said.

MewlingQuim Fri 06-Jun-14 18:30:40

I have spent 10 years ttc. I had 2 miscarriages following fertility treatment and have a dd (2) conceived by icsi.

My friends know my history and yet keep asking me when I am going to have another and don't I think the age gap is getting a bit big? angry

I have had 3 failed cycles since dd was born and I am now over 40. sad

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