Everyone is pregnant apart fromme

[emmapcos1]

Long-time lurker here, very infrequent poster but I am going out of my mind and was hoping for some likeminded people who might understand what I'm going through.

A little history (please skip if boring, will put lines above & below - the gist is that we have some quite serious fertility problems)

--------------

OH & I are in late 20s(me) early 30s (him) have been TTC for more than a year and a half. At first assumed we weren't managing because of stress as had just lost my dad having nursed him through a terminal illness, but after a while we went for tests & found out that OH has poor sperm count & quality and I have PCOS. I'm a healthy weight but we still made loads of lifestyle changes.

I ditched my gynaecologist because he was awful and barked at me every time I asked questions. He put me on metformin but I did some reading and it wasn't indicated for people with a BMI under 25 and mine is well under that. I came off it and stopped seeing him & am trying to control PCOS symptoms with diet & acupuncture / other natural treatments as am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious about dealing with yet another unsympathetic healthcare pro.

---------------

The problem is that I'm starting to not cope. EVERYONE around me seems to be getting pregnant, from colleagues to relatives, friends to business acquaintances.

I'm starting to become a really horrible person. I'm starting to hate people who post pictures of their growing bumps or young children on Facebook, my stock answer to people asking me when I plan to have kids is becoming increasingly ruder, whenever I hear about someone getting pregnant by accident I want to puke with jealousy. I can't be happy for people anymore, I can't cope with everyone's pregnancy moans about morning sickness or swollen feet or new moms complaining about sleepless nights when I'd give anything to be in their (tight) shoes.

I know it's irrational, pregnant women haven't stolen anything from me, but seeing all these huge bellies and hearing all about someone new joining the "mommy club" is so hard on me at the moment.

Been holding all of this in for a really long time but I'm feeling so desperate. I can't talk to anyone because their answers are always so glib "oh it will happen for you" or "you can just adopt" when it's not that simple. It really might never happen for us.

I'm scared to go back to the doctor in case they're awful to me again. I'm scared for more tests in case they show there's something wrong with my tubes and take all of my hope away.

I'm scared to apply for adoption in case we're rejected for some reason and that last inkling of hope is gone too.

I'm scared, I don't really know what our options are or who I can talk to medically or personally and I think our future might be childless when having a family was our dream.

Basically I'm terrified and in a lot of pain with nowhere to turn to but an Internet forum. Sorry for the self-indulgent moan, it's just all becoming too much for me.

[emmapcos1]

Eep does anyone know if I can change the header? Just seen the lack of space between "from" and "me"

[naty1]

Well a lot depends on how low his count is.
That is the advice you need because actually low would be icsi, quite low would be ivf, a but low would be IUI and then there would be clomid or trying naturally.
We had very low less then half a million. So we did icsi and have a 21m old.
I also have pcos but i didnt need to ovulate.
I take metformin during ivf for better egg quality and preventing miscarriage, (bmi 22-23)

[sharond101]

I feel your pain. When you want something so badly it is exaggerated and so everyone else around you seems to have it, this is not the case. Nor is it easy for everyone to have the thing you want just because they have it, many people have struggles unknown to others. When you want something so badly anyone who gets in your way is labelled as unreasonable, horrible, awful, lying.... really they are just being realistic/honest/doing their job.
What I am trying to say is I've been there and it's horrible. It's tormenting and mentally you feel isolated and so angry like you could explode. it's not that you aren't happy for those around you who are expecting you are just very sad for you. As for the Doctors I hated all of mine. Thought they were terrible horrible people because they didn't always tell me what I wanted or needed to hear. I persevered though, saw it as worth the torture and now have a DS who is 2 in May and am on the list for more treatment for hopefully DC2. It's hard to see at the time but noone is against you. try and find other things to occupy your thinking for a while. Take up a new hobby, book a holiday and rethink how you are going to get treatment if you really cannot trust the initial Doctor who has been treating you. Go back to your GP and seek advice, a referral to an alternative clinic? Do all you can but let yourself live too.

[purplemeggie]

It's not just you...there are others of us out here to share your pain and offer a hug. No time to send the reply I want to at the moment, but didn't want to read and run. As Arnie says...I'll be back.

[Chattycat78]

Hi Emmapcos,

I feel your pain too. I am 35 and been ttc for a year now. I have low amh and am due to start IVF next week, so clearly its going to be difficult for us and may not even be possible at all. Literally everyone I know is pregnant and Most of them seem to have managed it very easily while I need IVF:(. I am totally jealous every time I see a pregnant woman and am absolutely distraught every time I hear a new announcement of pregnancy so I guess it's normal to feel this way.

I'm also sorry about your dad- having to deal with infertility after the loss of a parent at an early age is a double blow. I too had lost both of my parents by the time I was 32, which ironically put off our ttc because I was too upset and emotional and it was not to right time.

I must say though, I think it helps to talk to the people closest to you rather.than suffering alone. You might find that some of your friends and family will be more supportive then you think. I d also find a different fertility clinic and get a second opinion- go private if u can and get a doctor who can work with you. That way you can take more contol of the situation. Xx

[purplemeggie]

Hello OP, back again with time for a proper post. Sometimes it's as if your brain holds two personalities, isn't it? The rational bit that accepts that other pregnant women haven't taken your ticket in the deli queue and that part of you is the bit that can smile and congratulate them, but there's the core of hurt inside that the smile never quite reaches and over time it gets bigger. I'm blessed to have a ds, aged 6, but have secondary infertility due to complications of a c-section and I've lost count of the number of times I've forced a smile when someone (usually someone whose family is complete) says "oh well, at least you have one." Yes, I do - and he's my life - but I'd like him to have a sibling - and for most people that just happens, so is it too much to ask?
And there are the people who "accidentally" have a fourth, or keep on popping out one a year because they'd like one of the opposite sex and sometimes the desire to make a little voodoo doll is exquisite...
...but seriously now. I have come to terms with things a bit recently with the help of a book on Mindfulness meditations, which has helped me to be both more optimistic and more accepting (if that makes sense). Also, you mention that you have had acupuncture for your PCOS...have you mentioned how low you are feeling to your acupuncturist? I went for acupuncture for fertility issues and I found that it really helped with my state of mind - it felt as if I had been driving through a tunnel and then I just drove out into the sunshine.
Sorry to hear about your Dad too - although the issues are separate, there's only so much you can cope with at once, however strong you are and having such a sadness to carry with you must be so very hard.
Finally, be gentle with yourself: whyever would you be rejected for adoption? I'm sure you have a lot to offer, whether to your own children or to someone else's and lots of the red tape in the adoption system has just been removed, so it's a great time to explore this option. They do usually want you to have exhausted any fertility treatment that you might plan first though.
Take care and I hope you feel a bit better soon.

[j200]

Hey, I just wanted to echo some of the other posts and say you are not alone- I literally hear about someone I know getting pregnant everyday via facebook and it even seems every newspaper/magazine is filled with pregnant people, scarlett johannson was the one I read about today!!

I really don't think you should give up hope yet as there are so many options out there to help you, I would change GP and ask for a referral to a fertility clinic. I am going through the same thing now, have tried clomid but that didn't work so just started injectibles.

It is such a hard journey and I have had people tell me that "some people just aren't meant to have children"! but it is so nice to speak to people on here going through the same thing and hearing about the success the majority have (even if it takes a while!) xx

[Perdita123]

Just a v quick tip - get off Facebook. You can suspend your account, I did two years ago and never been back. I always felt like I was missing out and my life wasnt matching up. Nowadays I don't compare myself to anyone else and feel so much better. And please don't worry to go back to the doctor. You're still very young, there's so much that can be done to help if there are problems, I didn't start ttc til I was 32 so you're in a good position to start with. I agree it's total shit going through all this but you're definitely not alone. X

[bessie84]

i have to say, i really do a agree with what Perdita123 has said about Facebook, i have also come off Facebook, was sick of seeing how perfect everyone elses lives are, pregnancies all over and never us. Come off, it really does help.

your not alone hun, i think your feelings are so normal. xx hugs xx

and OMG - J200 - THAT IS TERRIBLE, how can anyone say that to you...ive heard it all now, that is awful. hugs xx

WE WILL GET THERE xxx

[suzylee73]

I used to hate it when friends got pregnant too and became very antisocial because if it. Over the years I have become more accepting and eventually my negative emotions have lessened.
Anyone who says as least you can foster or adopt are just ignorant. I work for a children's charity and fostering is nothing like having your own. In a lot of areas the average age of an adopted child is as high as 5, so no babies there.
It took me a few years to get IVF due to tubal surgeries being required first. So please don't mess about get in the waiting list or if you can afford it pay! Be proactive and demanding
Good luck x

[Shellster52]

Hi emmapcos

I don't have any magical advice to offer but I just know the severe pain this brings. So I just wanted to chat with you because I really find it helps to chat with people on here who are going through the same thing rather than the people I talk to in real life who have no clue and give you all the usual answers.

My husband has 100% abnormal sperm which is what led us to IVF. Turns out I am a very poor responder and only produce a few eggs for IVF which really lowers our chances. My bad news this morning was that I have only 5 follicles growing for this IVF round. So now I am wondering if I should cancel and waste the money I have spent so far, or keep going and hope for a miracle this IVF cycle that probably won't happen.

The good thing about PCOS is that you will have lots of eggs available for IVF. I could only dream of this being the case for me. I am about to run out of eggs at age 36 and no medical treatment can fix this so I am in dread that my chance for a baby will be up soon.

I found an 'infertility penpal' online and we emailed back and forth. I found this really helpful as a place to vent my frustrations to someone who understands. She is now pregnant from IVF though. I will PM you and we can chat some more in case you find it helpful to you too. If not, let me know.

Just click on 'My Mumsnet' in the top right hand corner of this screen to see the message. Thinking of you. xox.

[anroga]

Hi emmalcos1
I haven't been on here for a while but am feeling exactly the same as you at the moment and felt coming back on here will keep me sain again!

We have been ttc for three years, had all the tests and we have unexplained infertility, been on Clomid but it didn't work. Now our only two options are to keep trying but I am 37 and my fiancé is 43 and ivf but as my fiancé has two kids already we have to pay for ivf so I have put my house up for sale that I did rent but it isn't selling....sorry to go on but to give you a bit of background!

I am so fed up like you everyone around me is falling pregnant the most recent is one of my friends who wasn't even going to start ttc yet texted me to say she is pregnant. She got married in May, hates kids, drinks like a fish, smokes like a chimney and is overweight - I know she is a mate but I can't help but think this is just not fair!

Fb is dreadful as you say it's constant updates of guess what we are having a baby, my morning sickness is terrible, tons of uploaded photos of their kids etc

I just feel like it is never going to happen for us :(

As for you I think you have got lots to be positive about firstly you are so much younger, you should def go and see someone else about metformin I have had pcos for 10 years and have been on metformin from when I was first diagnosed, I didn't ovulate then but do now every month. Get referred to a fertility clinic they will do all your bloods, hsg and try you on Clomid which could work for you! It is all scary but you have to go for it.

Anyway will shut up now! :) glad to join a thread where you all know how I am feeling xxxxx

[Peppapigisnotmyname]

Hi, I'm a bit late but thought my story might help? I was ttc for eight years from the age of 24. Lots of tests pointed at DHs sperm count being poor. Tried IUI four times, failed every time. Did IVF, got 15 eggs that all failed to fertilise. We were told that achieving fertilisation was our issue and we would never conceive naturally. Meanwhile everyone in the world was pregnant apart from me, just by having sex once it seemed whereas I was as barren as the Sahara desert. I ended up on antidepressants. Two years after the IVF attempt we did ICSI and well, what do you know, I got pregnant! Nine months later DS, now 9, was born. At this point I decided that was it, no more, couldn't go through it again. When he was one though I got pregnant naturally with twins which I sadly miscarried at eight weeks. I was devastated. Then a year later I got pregnant naturally again. Miscarried that one too. At this point I thought 'stuff it I'm going to go back to college', three months later, I got pregnant naturally and had dd, now 5. Remember, I was told I'd never get pregnant naturally, I'd given up hope, felt like I was the only one etc but it happened for me. Don't give up ladies. Good luck.

[xBlueberry88x]

I am feeling exactly the same at the moment.

Everyone is getting pregnant, both of our familys keep asking when we are going to have a baby.

I cant handle it anymore I just want to shout at everyone for being so damn lucky.

Nothing is ever easy!!

[edinburghdancer]

My sister and OH's cousin have both just had babies. Next person to wink and ask if it makes me broody is getting a forearm smash!

But....

As I want to scream at everyone that they know nothing about what I'm going through. And then I take a deep breath, step back and realise I don't know what they've been through either. No one's life is perfect despite what they post on FB.

So I count my blessings, hug my neice, have a good cry from time to time and plan the next round of IVF. Hating people for their good luck just hurts me in the long run. There's still some I think should have been sterilised at birth to save the gene pool but genuinely trying to be happy for people, happy that not everyone has these problems helps. I'm strong and this will make me a stronger, more experienced, hopefully more patient parent in the long run. Others maybe couldn't cope but I can and I will! And I'll succeed.

We will succeed. Because we're nice people. Because we're strong and we'll keep trying. Because the universe owes us one or else. Because science is improving every day. And because every child is a blessing and if I can't share all this love with a biologicalchild, there are plenty of children who do deserve to be loved.

It has taken 2 years to develop this level of tolerance and understanding and I still occasionally lapse (see sterilisation point above) but I'm happier now. When I'm positive about others,I feel more positive about myself. The first step is realising how u feel is down to you. Only you can change it. By addressing your medical issues head on (getting a referral to a different clinic, confronting ur doctor about their attitude ,getting the answers and treatment you want and need) getting in control. You have so much going for you - you just need to go and get it.

I wish you the very best of luck.

[Honeybee79]

Hi there
I feel your pain too, but my story might offer you a little bit of hope.

The positives: I have had serious PCOS since when I first started my periods. I can go months without a period and we always knew this would give us issues having a baby. What we weren't prepared for was being told that DH had such a high number of abnormal sperm that we would need ICSI. We were put on the waiting list at Kings London (which was over a year at the time). I asked them if they would prescribe clomid to get me ovulating just to see if that brought any joy and they told me bluntly that there was no point. I went away and cried for about 3 days and then asked them again on the basis that it probably wasn't going to do any harm. They said yes but warned me that it was a waste of time, it was very unlikely anything other than ICSI would work for us. Conceived DS on second cycle of clomid and now have a beautiful little boy! Just thinking about him as I write this is making me want to cry.

The negatives: we would dearly love to have another. Yes, I know we're lucky to just have the one. Yes, I would find a way to make my peace with it if we can't have another. But I look at my little boy and my heart breaks because I want him to have a sibling, an ally in the world, someone other than us. As yet, we have been unable to do so - we have been trying about 1.5 years now. Went back to Kings, they repeated all the tests. This time DH was told his sperm is back to normal, nothing has changed with my PCOS though I am about 2.5 stone heavier than I was when I conceived DS1. They prescribed clomid and it's just not working. Nothing. I am trying really, really hard to lose weight as I know that will help. I have a BMI of about 28 at the moment, while before it was well under 25. But the misery of it all is making me want to eat, not to mention drink wine!

Suddenly everyone I know is getting pregnant. One of my dearest friends decided to start trying and literally 2 weeks later confided in me that she was pregnant. I found myself just wishing she had kept that to herself for a bit longer. Sometimes I avoid her phone calls because I just can't face it. She keeps commenting that she would like to have "mat leave buddy" and I literally want to scream.

I don't really have any advice other than to say that you're not alone and you never know what's round the corner waiting for you. I wish you all the very best.

[Honeybee79]

I should clarify my previous post - the clomid is not working in that I am just not ovulating, as opposed to ovulating but not getting pregnant. It's like my entire system has shut down!

[anroga]

Edinburghdancer your post is brilliant and so true and I do try to think like you most of the time but as you say sometimes I lapse and I have lapsed recently with the it's just not fair!

Thank you for your post It makes me want to get back in the positive mind set :) x

[xBlueberry88x]

Its nice to see some one with the positivity that I really need thank you for that Edinburghdancer.

How long did it take for drs to prescribe clomid to everyone, im impatient and fed up of waiting so long for everything lol

[Sucuzi]

Hello,

I am really new to this but have been reading through the posts and already feel better knowing that there are other people going through the same thing.

We have been ttc for 1.5 years and have just been referred to our gyno in April.

I get so angry when I hear about other peoples pregnancies. I sometimes don't know where the feelings come from and am so upset with myself for thinking that way.
I have to lose weight, but am feeling so depressed that it's a real struggle.

I really wish all the best of luck for everyone on here. You are such strong women and it's so inspiring hearing about how you get through each day with a positive mindset.

Thanks for listening and encouraging without even knowing it :-)

[wtkt33]

Sometimes TTC can turn you into a green eyed monster. I ended up crying in the street the other day because this mum was screaming and swearing at her four kids who were running amuck and in various states of undress and uncleanliness and I thought, she gets 4??? I just want 1 ! The two ladies who sit next to me are both 8 months pregnant now and it's been torture ! If one more person asks me when I'm going to have children I'm going to S.C.R.E.A.M.