I'm about to start my first cycle of IVF and I think I'm losing my husband. He's totally shut off. I don't know what to do.
The issue is with him, he has azoospermia and we had a rather unsuccessful sperm retrieval recently. They managed to get a small sample, but there's a high chance it won't survive the de-frosting process. But we're going to try - I have to try, otherwise I'll regret it forever.
I'm getting ready to accept no children, but realised recently that he's shut himself off entirely and that he's distancing himself. I'm scared he won't be able to get past 'letting me down' and that it will end our amazing 12 years together (9 years married).
I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I feel sick or like crying all the time. Any advice?
No real advice I'm afraid but ((hugs)) and
Have you thought about postponing treatment for a few weeks? Or trying counselling? It sounds like he is really upset about the extraction and what that may or may not mean.
Would it help to take some time just being a "couple" for a while? The sperm isn't going to go anywhere.....
I know you say that you're getting ready to accept no children, but he is also in the same position. I know you probably realise that already, but it will take time for you both to come to terms with.
It is such a difficult treatment to go through, and it is important that you're as strong together as you possibly can be. Going through injections, monitoring, scans, blood tests, collection - it's tough going. It's a massive rollercoaster of emotions, and a lot harder than people realise.
Could they try to do another extraction before you start injections? He might feel better if he has a second sample in storage.
I think postponing will tip him over the edge to be honest. It's the waiting and not knowing that we've been going through over the past 2-3 years since we starting trying for babies and the past 18months since we started test etc.
I've just started seeing a counsellor, but it's not his style and although I've suggested it he's not keen. :-(
I think we have to carry on as he's feeling so on hold until we know for sure. I'm just so scared about the out come and I could really do with him being there for this next step.
He's not being horrible, just can't seem to engage with me, or anyone really I guess. Just wondered if anyone on hear had come across the same problem at all.
Unfortunately he had an infection as a rather intrusive sperm retrieval. So he's not willing to go ahead with that again.
It's crap all round basically. I just keep coming back to, 'it's not fair' & 'why us?' - doesn't get me anywhere though!
It may not get you anywhere, but you can't help feeling how unfair it is - the worst things always happen to the nicest people.
Have you tried getting away, like on a day trip or something? Just something to try (shallow laugh) to get your mind off things? Or even find time just to snuggle up in front of a good film?
It sounds like he's really sad and doesn't know how to communicate it
Yeah I think that's exactly it. But I think he's adding on so much more thinking way to far into the future and thinking that I'll hate him one day if I chose him over babies. I just wish he could switch off that part and focus on the hear and now. Take one day at a time rather than predicting the worst outcome.
Added to our problem we recently bought a flat and have been living in a building site for 5 weeks - great timing huh! So things are unsettled at home too. That is however coming to an end soon. So hopefully that will help.
Just need to remind him how good we were and can be again. But not sure how to do that as what I'm doing currently clearly isn't working. :-(
Have you been through IVF too ohforfoxache?
What's the first cycle like?
Ah - it's nice to see that you've not got too much on your plate with treatment, and getting yourselves sorted, and living in a building site! Why is it that everything happens all at once?
I know exactly what you mean - it is so hard focussing on one step at a time and not looking into the future too much.
Sounds like you're a strong couple, you just need to be there for each other. Easier said than done, eh? But if you can take time out then I'd really suggest you try - even if it's going off to B&Q to look at paint - just ANYTHING to try to take your mind off things.
I've not been through IVF myself, but friends have and I've worked in the field for many, many years. Mum and Dad also needed help to have me, so it's a topic that it close to my heart!
But the most important thing about going through IVF is to go easy on yourselves. You're going to feel like a pin-cushion, probably crappy and crabby, and DH is going to feel, for want of a better term, useless. You need to make sure that you have lots of time for each other - even just having spontaneous cuddles can help a lot - and trying to make time to make sure that you focus on something other than treatment is important.
The good news is though that lots of couples have IVF and the vast majority get through it - there is no reason to think that you won't, no matter how hard it might seem at the time x
When we did IVF, the more we found out about it the more horrified my DH was with what it actually involved. He couldn't believe I was going to go through that*.
If he'd have also had the thing that it was 'his fault', I don't know how that would have gone.
Have you talked to your DH? Our medical problem was with me, and I felt horrific guilt that my DH might not have children because of me. I imagined that he'd leave me for someone he could have kids with. Honestly, I had days when I couldn't get out of bed. He's maybe feeling some of that.
All I can say is keep talking, keep reassuring, keep remembering (actively remembering) why you loved each other before this shit hit the fan.
You will get through it and, if you're lucky, you'll come out the other side with a family.
I wish you much, much, much luck.
*It's really not that bad. Sounds worse than it is.
It's better than having sex to order when you're ttc naturally...
I dunno - sex to order sounds like it has it's plus points
particularly when there are months between DTD!!
Nope. Nothing lovely about having to DTD mid-argument because it's time. Or when DH is struggling to actually DTD because of the pressure, yet you must finish with an ejaculation in the right place or it's pointless... (Is there an [ew sorry tmi] emoticon?)
Jeez, we even did it at my mum and dad's house once. <shudder> <very quiet shuddering obvs>. (Oh, it's fun at first, of course it is, but 7 years, several mcs, not so much...)
Cups of tea with the social worker when we were adopting is a far more civilised way of getting DCs.
Christ on a bike, that sounds horrendous - so sorry you've gone through that Humpday
I have to admit, it's "bad enough" suffering from infertility or miscarriage, but both must just be - well, there aren't the words.
I really hope that you have everything you ever dreamed of now x
Yeah, why is it everything happens at once? Top it off my Mum has breast cancer. Thanks fully the best kind and she's in recovery after successful surgery, but quite frankly it was one thing too much! My mantra at the moment is '2013 can fuck right off'. Not very positive I realise, but rather satisfying to say none the less.
(I'm new to Mum's net and any IVF forum to be honest, so I'm not 100% sure what all the different letters stand for, but I'm guessing DH is my husband? Sorry if I'm being slow!)
I think certainly, once all the building is done and we can finally 'move in' that is unpack all our stuff and sort the flat it will make a massive difference.
Just so scared he's decided already and that I won't be able to change his mind. It's so hard to know what to do.
I end up talking to him too much I think, but it's because he doesn't talk to me, but if miserable & distant. I just need him to tell me he loves me occasionally. I've told him that and yet he still can't muster it. He's totally switched off and numb.
To you out there experienced in IVF, I'm doing the short cycle.... can you give me a round idea of what it will be like, how knackered I'll be? I have lots of follicles and so will be in and out every other day for monitoring to ensure they don't over stimulate me. Sounds fun!! :P
Humpday - glad to hear you found a way round everything to have a family in the end.
How did you both feel about adoption? My husband says no to donor sperm and to adoption. I agree on the donor front as I would hate for it to be 'my' baby and not his. But I do still wonder about the adoption side of things. We are young so could consider something like that...
Welcome to MN. Parts of it are lovely.
Yes, DH = Husband. Dear or Darling, depending on who you ask.
Sorry about your mum (DM...), it sounds like you really are going through the wringer. I don't know how old you are, but have you given any thought to postponing IVF even for a month or two, just to give yourself a chance to breathe? (Yeah, I know what I'd have said to anyone who suggested that too...)
I'm not sure what to say about your DH. Does he normally talk through stuff with you? Mine never did -- infertility/IVF was what eventually forced us to tackle the hard stuff, including learning how to talk to each other properly (and when to leave each other alone...). (And that's not to say we didn't do a fair bit of shouting at each other too and then also the shouting at each other because you want to shout at the world for being unfair but you can't because that makes you look bonkers.)
Hang in there. Maybe someone with more useful help will be along shortly. I'd also say try and not focus on what happens if the IVF doesn't work. It does! For heaps of people! (Although, you're right, it's nice to know there are other options out there...) I wasn't keen on donor stuff. Part of that was because it was donor eggs we'd have needed which is a total PITA to even get, part of it is because of potentially having a child who was confused about their parentage, part of it was not wanting a child to be my DH's rather than mine, and part of it was for us, that still wouldn't have assured success. But that's me. Other people will have other stories. If you want to hear them, start a thread specifically about that. DH took a while to come around to adoption. If you'd have asked him before we had IVF he'd have said absolutely never. Both our thought processes changed over time.
In terms of the actual process, it's really not that bad. For the first x number of days, whilst you're doing injections at home, you'll not even notice it (other than bruised legs. If you go swimming, expect stares). Once you start actually growing the eggs, you might get a bit tender round the middle, but nothing worse than ovulation pain or something like that. Not as bad as period cramps for me. The actual procedure isn't pleasant, but really no worse than a trip to the dentist (and by then you'll be used to having your fanjo out in a room full of people...) Only tiredness I had was from having to get up in time to be at clinic for 8am, but that was only for maybe 5 days each cycle...
Good luck! (And since you're new, excuse me saying this, but if TBryan is actually your name, you might want to change it to something random and meaningless. This will be retrievable on tinternet forever. If that sends you into a panic, use the report button to report the thread to MNHQ and ask them to delete it.)
Thank you. Couldn't be happier (but it took a while to get here).
Thanks for the name tip, I realised that before I registered and used my DM's maiden name. So think that's ok. :-) (Needed to use a name I could remember!!)
I can't postpone, we already did for one month and to be honest it's the not knowing and dragging out that's killing my DH I think. So the sooner the better.
Thanks for the heads up on the IVF Cycle. It seems like it will all be ok. I have my first nurses appointment tomorrow and then a session with the counsellor (2nd session) on Friday.
Talking wise, no, it's not something he's ever been good at, but then we've never come across anything we've disagreed on or needed to really, really talk about. Until now of course. It's a bitch to say the least.
It's just so lonely without him, that's the hardest part. I miss him terribly. Sex is pretty much a thing of the past & I have to demand cuddles and kisses. Pretty much like cuddling a plank of wood most the time. He's just shut down entirely.
There are moment of fun, laughter and tenderness, but they are few and far between at the moment.
Wish I could find the on button again.
Humpday. You made me chuckle. Feeling the DTD pain. BORING.
TBryan - my experience of IVF was actually a breeze. I know everyone is different, but for me I was wondering what the fuss was all about. Worst part was long 6 weeks on the pill first! Went a bit hor'moany' as my DH likes to call it, but as soon as on sniffing and injections I felt pretty normal! No pain or pressure and I had 21 eggs. Bloody loved the egg collection but I secretly like having anaesthetic one minute you're counting down, the next you're in a room feeling well loved up and they make you tea and biccies. Transfer was like a smear, and over in 5 mins. Sadly, didn't work for us despite everything going so well. 2 of 3 remaining frozen babies being transferred next week. Good luck to you!!
Haha! At least I have something to look forward to, a nice kick of aneasetic! ;-)
Hopping it's a breeze for me as I'm all ok. Just praying for a successful spermatozoa defrosting. That's the big worry for us. :-/
Times like this I wish I was religious. Someone to blame if nothing else!! ;-)
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