the TTC Merrygoround(4 Posts)
I have spent practically the last 12 months of my life reading the internet for the answer I want to find and no matter what I always find the answer I can shoe horn into making me feel completely elated or deflated about my ttc/ miscarriage/ age/ infertility or whatever the topic I am looking up. I am hoping I can just get some realistic advice here. I dont even want the the hope stories, I just want the practical pragmatic advice of what is probably my lot. I recently turned 40 (should be a celebration more a marking of the ancientness of my body). I got married at 36 ironically to my first boyfriend who I had been with on and off since I was 18 years (if only I knew then what I know now). I am beyond lucky to say I got pregnant naturally within 8 months and have the most wonderful DD in the world. I would describe myself as hopelessly naive. Fast forward 2 years, 2 miscarriages later and we found out on monday I have amh of 3.8 and not looking good. Told to start with 2 IUIs and move to IVF. I am in despair. What do you do when you get on the merrygo round that you cant get off. I am so selfish to want another child when I am so lucky. I know that some will never have the joy that I have experienced but for me me I dont know how I will psychologically move on with any other aspect of my life for the next 2 years (which is the deadline I now must set myself) because the desire to have another baby is consuming me and making me a very unattractive person. I feel an overwhelming yearning when I see a baby or hear one cry and I dont know how to quell that. My husband says I look on our child being an only child as a disability and to my horror I do. I feel she will be so isolated, removed from the childhood of brothers and sisters I had. I just want to feel normal, to engage in conversations with my husband that dont involve how to making a baby nad my marriage has suffered so much from that constant stress. I am aware that my post will be viewed as selfish, self consuming, narcisitistic but may be the question for a lot who read theses websites is how do you inject normality into your life. How can you go back to where you were when you had the hope and anticipation not the fear and sadness. How can I just feel normal again.
You should not feel bad for wanting to extend your family. Clearly it is now causing issues in your day to day life, which I'm not dismissing.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been through 3 full rounds of IVF, I've used frozen embryos too. I have suffered a miscarriage also.
If you have any questions about the IVF process please don't hesitate to ask. Mine was due to unexplained fertility.
Not quite sure I have any advice or info for you. I just wanted to say that you're not alone in your situation; that a lot of us are here because we're having issues with getting pregnant, and its frustrating, painful, all a bit mad sometimes and all-consuming most of the time. I think you're being way too hard on yourself though - try being kinder to you and everything else will follow. Meditation has really helped me feel less anxious recently. Not for everyone, but might be worth a go. I downloaded the clomid kit from a website called catchingrainbowsfertility.co.uk.
I can't offer much advice on getting on with your life during this time. But I can recognize your feelings. I was lucky to have a dd after the age of 40 via ivf. But deep down I knew I wanted 2 dcs. I made the decision to try (more ivf, more expense, more emotional rollercoasters) because I knew that if I didn't try I would spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if...'. I knew that to try and fail was better than not to try and always be wondering. And, actually, it was easier knowing that there was a definite limit to the trying - that in a way the decision of when to stop would not be entirely mine.
And, although you don't want the hope stories, I was lucky again (against the odds) and am now expecting dc2.
Good luck with your journey.
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