Secondary infertility

(295 Posts)

Am in cycle 19 TTC #2. We have a beautiful DD who took a while to conceive (managed on cycle 16, got my BFP the day before our referral appointment for fertility treatment!) so I expected it to take a while to get a second. However, time is ticking by (am 37) and I really do want DD to have a sibling, so I have been to the GP. First set of investigations have been done and and DH and I have an appointment with the GP this afternoon to get test results and hopefully a referral.

I am feeling a strange combination of emotions. I feel a bit guilty for wanting another child so much when I already have a wonderful DD. I am worried about what treatment may be necessary, how we can pay for it, even if it would be appropriate to fund trying to conceive another child when we could spend those resources on giving the child we already have the best possible start in life.

I even feel a tiny bit guilty for even posting this here, as I already have a child and should be grateful for what I have (and I am, very much). But I can't help longing for another, I get so envious of friends who have / are going on to have second children (and in some cases contemplating a third). I am a mummy, I no longer have to deal with the awful feeling of wondering if I will ever know the joy of parenthood, but every month I have the same disappointment and sense of failure when AF arrives, coupled with the anxiety that every month lost makes the potential age gap bigger.

So please tell me your good news about secondary infertility. Did you get your BFP eventually? Or did you manage to come to terms with not having another and make the most of your smaller than planned family? And if you did go down the path of intervention, what did it involve? Was it successful? Do you have any regrets?

keeponjuggling Thu 03-Jul-14 12:21:38

Oh resipsa, I am so so sorry. I can't believe what an awful time you are having. I can't begin to imagine how you and you're DH are feeling right now, my heart goes out to you all. Is treatment likely to start soon? I hope the NHS are offering you both support to help you to come to terms with all you're going through? counselling maybe? I really am so sorry to hear your news.

threepiecesuite Wed 02-Jul-14 21:57:05

Resipsa, I can't believe what I'm reading. I'm so so sorry you and your family are going through this. thanks

resipsa Wed 02-Jul-14 18:31:14

Hi keep. Nice bump for this . You'll wish you hadn't asked after me though...

At the start of last week, the local authority confirmed that we have to wait 6 months after last IVF to begin adoption process. Fair enough. By Tuesday, I'd got my head around 4 months or so free of the worry about a second child. There was a Plan.

Clearly, I wasn't meant to be happy or verging on it as on Tuesday evening DH was diagnosed with colon cancer. He's 38. DD is 3. His chances of making her 8th birthday are 50/50 sad.

So, instead of thinking about adoption, I'm contemplating widow and single parent status in my 40s. Adoption is out of the question with his diagnosis, he'll need chemo so we can't try naturally as it's dangerous and anyway he might be rendered infertile.

After 2 miscarriages in 6 months and this, I am at the end of my coping abilities. My future has been ripped apart.

The only option is to try again with DE IVF and get DH to freeze sperm before chemo. But can we bear the potential heartache again? And would I want to bring up 2 alone?

Poor, poor DH - he's going through hell and I am still going on about babies.

keeponjuggling Wed 02-Jul-14 14:18:55

hi ladies,

resipsa how are you doing? sorry to hear you're having a really difficult time.

mawinter how are you? any progress with your DH's time off and IVF? I realised I didn't answer your question, so sorry. I've had day 21 tests (day 17 in my case), getting swab (?) next week and day 1-5 bloods in a couple of weeks time. DH had sample and it was all fine. My GP had done the referral last month but they won't see me until the have a certain list of test results apparently. So that's held things up quite a bit. Quietly hoping this cycle will be the one so I can call up and say its ok I don't need to come. Not likely though.

worrisome how are you? Not long until you start short protocol, did you say end of July? sorry I'm not sure what this involves, but hope you are feeling positive about it all.

How is everyone else?

p.s. im a little curious about what that deleted message said?

camillebbmvalez12345 Tue 24-Jun-14 19:03:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

resipsa Tue 17-Jun-14 22:00:46

Worrisome - that's great news! I suspect that as the time draws nearer, you'll be glad to be able to focus on the logistics as opposed to the Big Question taking up every moment.

I feel strangely bereft at the moment without drugs, appointments, scans, etc to fill bored moments!!!

Non-MNy hugs to you resipsa. I can imagine coming to the (potential) end of your journey must be so difficult.

We had our call with the Prague clinic today - it was great, and it looks like we'll be starting short protocol at the end of July. Am excited and terrified in equal measure and also concerned about getting flights/accommodation sorted for dates that are move-able! Nice not to be in limbo anymore.

resipsa Mon 16-Jun-14 22:55:56

Thanks for the support, you guys but saying you're done is proving harder than accepting it.

Just for once today I thought that I'd escaped from nursery pick up without the usual baby bombardment but it wasn't to be; bumped into the woman who told me that she was expecting her second on the day after my second m/c. She's due at the weekend :-(

mawinter Mon 16-Jun-14 20:55:42

keeponjuggling Oh no I do not mind, I agree the guy is a selfish twat. Even DH agrees as well. heh
DH thought about going to his boss, but the guy is a bit of an abusive prick who verbally bashes people often, so he does not want to add any more fuel to his fire. DH actually has plans to seek a new job as a result of the prick. I am sure that will add even more no more trying time in as well. :/

Tonight DH asked if we could actually not give up and I told him that i need time to calm down.

I get where you are coming from, if even one of our 3 shots we got (we found an insurance which will cover 3 tries) works. I will most certainly be stopping there. There is just too much heartache in all of this.

What sorts of tests have you had done?

keeponjuggling Mon 16-Jun-14 16:25:52

Oh mawinter that's sounds really awful, and I hope you don't mind me saying I don't much like the sound of your DH's colleague. He sounds selfish and insensitive. It's a really tough decision to make, waiting is one of the hardest things in TTC. Do you feel like you can wait it out until next year? Could your DH explain the situation to your boss, and have him tell the other guy he can't have that time off? without obviously giving the reason. Or would you rather his boss didn't know either?

We've been trying for 19 months, so not long compared to many. I always wanted a large family, but if we manage one more that'll be it for me. I can't do this again, its too hard.

mawinter Mon 16-Jun-14 15:26:43

keeponjuggling - Only if DH explains to the guy our issue. Which neither I or him want to do as we feel he will not understand since he a. already has the family he desires and b. he already rescheduled last year for us after he booked his holiday clear well knowing we had family coming at that time and DH already asked for the time off. The argument got so bad between them their boss had to step in and decide.

Now the question is, to throw in the towel and call it quits or not?

This is honestly one of the biggest mind fucks there is in life. :/

How long have you been trying for now?

keeponjuggling Mon 16-Jun-14 14:03:48

resipsa, so sorry for your loss, what a heartbreaking experience. Take time to take care of yourself. Thank you for coming on here and bringing back the thread at such a hard time.
I was a little late joining, but still not much further forward. In the midst of tests now, but no bfp on the horizon in the near future. Think I may be an unexplained case.
worrisome it is really hard changing your mindset, but I've heard lots of positive stories from those who managed to achieve it.
mawinter I'd be disappointed too, is there any way you can get your DH to get his coworker to change their time off - or is that not possible?

mawinter Mon 16-Jun-14 11:10:59

Am so sorry to read this *resipa. My heart aches for you!
I can totally understand your thoughts of being done.

Today DH kind of put the brakes on things as well on our end. First was the fact that an appointment with a surgeon (for current health hiccup) has to be rescheduled, then came the news his coworker wants off around the time we could be doing IVF finally if the first issue was resolved quick enough. As neither of the two will happen, this year is out as well. I have heard some pretty alarming numbers of women who have been through losses in the fall/winter months (as well as myself personally) and two factors against us making these chances higher, I do not want to begin any later than August. Since this is off the plate, I can say another year has been wasted and next year I do not think I want to try anyway as I will be getting nearer to 40.
Maybe I am being unreasonable, who knows right now I am so angry.

Oh resipsa you poor poor thing, what a horrible experience. Completely understand you not wanting to start trying again. Be kind to yourself.
Update from me is that we've got a phone consultation with Gennet in Prague on Tues after discovering one blocked tube. On cycle 19 now and actually starting to feel more and more resigned that this will never happen. I need to try and change my mindset and find the positive but it's so hard.
Nice to see this thread resurrected though!

resipsa Sun 15-Jun-14 16:31:48

And a quick update from me...well, my post from mid-May was premature in that I got a BFP from IVF no. 3 on 18 May. I started to bleed on 22 May when I had a TV scan at 5+6. Huge relief to see a heartbeat and offered congratulations by the staff. The joy lasted less than 24 hours as by 10am on 23 May, it was all over (and witnessed by DD (3)).

I think that I'm done. The last emotional rollercoaster was not one I could ride again. I'm 43. Time to get real :-(

resipsa Sun 15-Jun-14 16:27:28

Just bumping this one...

BranchingOut Fri 16-May-14 23:57:14

Hope you are all well.
We are still trying. We haven't talked about IUI/IVF, although we are at the point where we have had all the tests and could just start up a cycle whenever. In some ways, I think that the longer we try a little bit of doubt creeps in that it is meant to be, so maybe we want it to happen naturally?

I did see my sister's baby - he was a little star! Lovely...and actually, it was fine, as he is so obviously their baby (of course!).

Sunnydaisy Thu 15-May-14 18:21:09

Oh Resipsa sorry to hear that your third ivf wasn't successful but well done on putting yourself through it. Give yourself plenty of time to get over it, it really does put such an emotional and physical strain on the body.
Wish I had something positive to add but we're still here too! Every now and then I think that I'm ready to accept having just the one gorgeous little one and then when I hear more pregnancy news, I always end up in tears. Clearly not that ready!
Thinking of you.

resipsa Thu 15-May-14 16:40:59

I was just thinking about this thread and up it popped. Too exhausted by the horror of a 3rd IVF failure to say much but hello to you all (and sorry that we're still bloody here).

goddessnic Thu 15-May-14 11:12:53

Hi yes we're trying naturally, we're in our forth year. Saving up and losing weight for IUI, but I think it's not going to happen now.

Turquoisetamborine Wed 14-May-14 07:27:01

Hi Goddess, sorry another AF has shown up.

I'm waiting to do ivf again, looking like July for my second cycle. Are you trying naturally?

goddessnic Tue 13-May-14 22:55:41

Hi girls it's been quiet on here recently, hope you're ok. Another period started today :-(

Turquoisetamborine Sun 23-Mar-14 22:45:48

Hi Res sorry you're feeling down, hope tomorrow is a better day.

Bloody period Goddess. It never gets any easier. Sorry.

resipsa Sun 23-Mar-14 22:13:15

Nic - thanks.

My walk in the park failed to uplift today. It just reminded me of all I've lost - the dads (mine died in June 08), the dogs (12 Jan 14) and the babies (March 12 and Dec 13).

goddessnic Sun 23-Mar-14 20:54:43

Hi turquoise tambourine, it's so hard isn't it my period arrived today do that's us well into pur forth year of not conceiving our second.
good luck with your 2ww xx

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