Secondary infertility

(296 Posts)

Am in cycle 19 TTC #2. We have a beautiful DD who took a while to conceive (managed on cycle 16, got my BFP the day before our referral appointment for fertility treatment!) so I expected it to take a while to get a second. However, time is ticking by (am 37) and I really do want DD to have a sibling, so I have been to the GP. First set of investigations have been done and and DH and I have an appointment with the GP this afternoon to get test results and hopefully a referral.

I am feeling a strange combination of emotions. I feel a bit guilty for wanting another child so much when I already have a wonderful DD. I am worried about what treatment may be necessary, how we can pay for it, even if it would be appropriate to fund trying to conceive another child when we could spend those resources on giving the child we already have the best possible start in life.

I even feel a tiny bit guilty for even posting this here, as I already have a child and should be grateful for what I have (and I am, very much). But I can't help longing for another, I get so envious of friends who have / are going on to have second children (and in some cases contemplating a third). I am a mummy, I no longer have to deal with the awful feeling of wondering if I will ever know the joy of parenthood, but every month I have the same disappointment and sense of failure when AF arrives, coupled with the anxiety that every month lost makes the potential age gap bigger.

So please tell me your good news about secondary infertility. Did you get your BFP eventually? Or did you manage to come to terms with not having another and make the most of your smaller than planned family? And if you did go down the path of intervention, what did it involve? Was it successful? Do you have any regrets?

resipsa Sat 04-May-13 11:05:06

And if I were you, I'd get an opinion now. If it's on your mind enough to be here, you need to be investigated to stop you going mad.

Adsum Mon 06-May-13 22:27:39

Hi - I could also have written some of your posts! (Hi again res - I'm not stalking you, promise!) - with the nearly 3 year old ds, feeling guilty, worried about age gaps, friends all having 2/3 kids etc.

We started TTC dc2 in dec 2011 and got bfp straight away but had mc at 9 weeks, and then it took 10 months to get another bfp - which ended in erpc on valentines day this year. So now I'm really 17 months after starting TTC no 2 - would the gp agree to tests do you think?! I had a private ultrasound last October as things weren't happening and it was normal but don't want to pay for all the recurrent mc testing, and was told I would have to have 3 mc before tests would be done on nhs...

What do you think?

Good luck to all having ivf and thanks for all the success stories: they really help!

teaandchocolate Tue 07-May-13 19:44:15

Adsum it sounds like we are in very similar situations - we started ttc no2 a month after you and I've also had 2 mc since then. My dd is also nearly 3. I did get the recurrent mc tests on the nhs last year although I had also had a mc before DD so have had 3 in total. However I saw my consultant privately (as had an erpc which was covered by private healthcare) and he offered to test me after 2 on the nhs if I wanted. It is sometimes possible to find a sympathetic consultant although you'd need to pay for the initial consultation. I think that particularly if they can see a pattern they might agree to do some tests.

FWIW my tests found nothing and now that I can't get pregnant I wish I'd not taken so much time out of ttc for the tests - it was nearly 6 months in total once I'd waited enough time after the mc then waited for the results. However at the time I felt like I needed to do something as I was so stressed about having another mc. You still do have a really good chance of a normal pregnancy next time but I totally know how awful and stressful it is. And so frustrating seeing your due dates go by with no baby.

Resipsa thanks for the advice. I reckon I'll wait one, maybe 2 cycles then go and see someone. I'll see how mental I get if I get a bfn at the end of this one...

Adsum Tue 07-May-13 23:22:52

It really makes a difference to know I'm not the only one in this horrible situation! I feel I'm not really allowed to talk about it to a lot of people as they say 'but you've had one so you'll be fine' etc and I just feel I'm annoying them! In fact I've had such low self confidence and feelin like I'm really boring and a real downer until recently as the other problem is a feeling that one should have got over the mc's just like that!

I'm going to wait for this months af (due Friday and already got pains and spotting hmm) and see how next month goes, then maybe see GP and maybe cry at them and see what happens wink - I might actually cry anyway!!! blush

pennylovesleonard Wed 08-May-13 10:38:19

I've been ttc for dc2 for 18 months now & it's so hard!
I have dd 3.5 years old & she was conceived straight away no probs at all. I too thought it would be just as simple this time around but no luck yet.

I've had a couple of blood tests & they were fine, progesterone a little low but ok, dh's SA was all fine.
We've been refered but have to wait until July...

What I'm finding so hard it the feeling I'm letting dd down sad
I never wanted her to be an only child. She loves babies & wanders around with a teddy stuffed up her t shirt all the time

It's good to read the success stories on here & know I'm not alone, dh is much more laid back about it all & thinks I'm getting a bit obsessed ( I am totally !)

I just try & remind myself how lucky I am to have dd but it is heart breaking

Af due to today, no af but 2x bfn so not happy today

Adsum Wed 08-May-13 12:20:27

I feel just the same penny (love your nickname!) - really guilty and especially when I see how much he loves playing with his friends - my ds was so cute with a friends baby, holding her hand and stroking her head! It was sweet, funny and sad all at the same time!

Sorry to hear about your bfn's - I'm too afraid to test this month - af due in2 days and have had some spotting already - even if it is a bfp ill be so worried about mc it won't be as exciting as it should be! angry

pennylovesleonard Wed 08-May-13 20:16:36

Thanks adsum, I'm eating ice cream to cheer myself upsmile

Adsum Wed 08-May-13 21:04:19

Oops I caved and tested with an frer and got bfn... confused
Never mind! There's always next month...again!
Think I might get some ice cream!

cathers Thu 09-May-13 19:08:01

We had Ds 1 without any trouble and at when he was 2 started trying for Dc2. Unfortunately, after 6mths of trying, I had a pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage.
Again, after one year, another pregnancy resulted in early miscarriage. When this happened yet again after 18 months of trying, we decided to give all the ovulation tests and conscious trying a break and focus on rebuilding health and mental strength. I started seeing a homeopath and a reflexologist to try and relax a bit too.

Unplanned, I had a BfP within 2 months which resulted in our DC2 being born almost 3 years after we started trying. Ironically, at the time I had the BFP, my blood test results and referral to fertility clinic arrived on the door mat! I really do believe that stepping away from the cycle of micro analysing my fertility and the pressure I was putting on myself really helped. I have sympathy for you all, it was a really tough ride but totally worth it.

Lintilla Fri 10-May-13 10:59:29

Adsum I was referred to a consultant after 2 miscarriages by my GP but I think that was because I had been trying for 2 years at the time of my first miscarriage. I had my second miscarriage in December, saw the consultant for the first time in February and am in the middle of having tests at the moment. I didn't realise it would take almost 6 months just to have all the tests, I thought as soon as I was referred I would get a magic answer and everything would be better.

I am now feeling frustrated as it has been 5 months since my last miscarriage and I've had nothing since. I'm going back to see the consultant in mid June so hopefully I will get some answers then...

It is such a frustrating journey, I really feel for everyone here.

Tw1nkle Fri 10-May-13 19:24:33

I'm going through it too! It's so hard! Everyone I know is on their 2nd or 3rd little one - just me left with only 1 - I know I'm lucky to have her though.

We've been ttc#2 for 4 years, with a MC too. I have an appointment next month to have scan etc, bloods already taken.

I'm 36, so will keep trying for a few more years!

It is so hard though - my DD is asking for a baby! And I always wanted a small age gap - it'll be 5 years at best now.

Fingers crossed for us all.

KVeggie Sat 11-May-13 09:32:06

I've been reading all your posts with tears as I am going through the same emotions. I have a wonderful son who will be 4 in September and have been ttc no2 since March last year (14 cycles). I had an emergecy C-section with him being a huge 10lb 13oz!! (I'm only 5ft 4in and have a small frame). I can't help but wonder if some damage was done having such a large baby.

I am finding this whole experience so hard to cope with lately, as I watch all my friends/colleagues with their 2nd and even 3rd births. I also feel guilty about not feeling satisfied with my beautiful boy - it's just that I really don't want him to be on his own - and it haunts me when I think of that possibility when we're older.

I am 35 and my husband is 38 and life has been tought this last year, family illnesses, house moves and my husband working all hours on the house so I wonder whether our bodies will ever be able to reproduce again as we seem to be exhausted most evenings!

I have recently been to my GP and after a few tears, he took some blood (as it was day 6) and they came back fine - I will be referred at some stage once my husband has managed to send back a SA.

Our son was a complete surprise so I had assumed that this would be a walk in the park. I work in an environment where there are lots of pregnant women and it is hard to deal with as it all seems to easy for them. People say "just try harder" or "relax and it will happen".

I wish you all lots of luck and I hope to follow this thread and hear all the good news over the summer.

If anyone has any advice please share it!

teaandchocolate Sat 11-May-13 09:42:52

Lintilla I feel exactly the same. In July it will be the one year anniversary of my last mc and I'm still not pregnant, I can't actually believe it. Plus its on DDs birthday (I spent her party last year bleeding) so I'm worrying about what to do as it brings back bad memories but I feel (again) like I'm letting DD down. I'm pleased the recurrent mc tests found no problems but also so disappointed we have nothing to 'fix'.

Tw1nkle its so hard isn't it when your expectations for your DC get totally turned upside down and I don't know why we feel such guilt.

KVeggie sorry you're having such a hard time. I also feel like I could do with some good luck for a change!!

I'm feeling a bit low today. Didn't sleep well as, after feeling so positive at the beginning of the week when I got a positive opk I now feel convinced it didn't work. No idea why but I guess its better to be realistic. I have a wedding today as well which I'm dreading as dont know many people going and need to put on a happy face and brace myself for the inevitable 'are you going to have any more children?' questions...

Adsum Sun 12-May-13 09:11:45

Oh tea I know how you feel about those questions- you feel like blurting it all out so they feel awkward but generally just sort of smile and say yes I'd love some more! and hope they get the message! I hope it wasn't too bad?

lintilla that's a long time to wait before the first mc happened - I'm not surprised they referred you. I'm about 14 months post first mc now, but will be 35 in September so don't want to wait too much longer - ill prob give it a couple of months and then speak to gp.

I'm a day late today but tested a couple days ago with a bfn and so far have had a lot of low back pain and spotting, so will test today but with the spotting and pain I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope anyway if it was a bfp! (Let alone with the awful pessimism one has after miscarriages anyway!! wink)

Lintilla Mon 13-May-13 08:34:44

tea I hope the wedding went okay. I'm terrible with those questions, I have got so fed up of them and even when I give a non-committal answer people still seem to press and say you need to hurry up etc. that I have started going into full details now which makes them back off quite quickly!

Adsum keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hate the agony of being late but with a BFN, and then the worry about what would happen anyway.

teaandchocolate Mon 13-May-13 16:22:09

The wedding was better than expected and I actually had a good time! Although one person did ask me (twice!) when I'd have another. I just said we'd like to but would have to wait and see. DH said someone else asked him. I spent the whole wedding figuring out who had children and how many, and what age gaps...argh! Obsessed!!

Adsum also crossing everything for you that you get a bfp. I know from also having mc that its not the relief it is for some people but its a good start! I read last night that fertilisation and implantation can take a while so that there's not enough hcg for a positive test until after the date AF is due <obsessive googler> So your bfp could still appear.

Adsum Mon 13-May-13 17:53:16

Bfn yesterday - day after af due. Stil some brown stringy (ick! TMI!) spotting so she must just be being late after the mmc or maybe is because I've done a lot of travelling in last 2 weeks?! I wish she'd just hurry up though!!

Glad wedding wasn't to painful tea! I know what u mean about age gaps etc - it really becomes an obsession doesn't it?!!

DreamsDoComeTrue Tue 14-May-13 03:37:45

Hi everyone, I thought I would join you to share my experiences. I have read lots of chat discussions on various websites and spent hours if not days on dr google looking for an answer to secondary infertility... which I know is not out there. No one can make our dreams come true for us and like you I have that longing every day that maybe one day they will come true.

I have a little girl who is nearly 3. Conceived in about 8 months which felt like forever at the time but isn't really that long. I was had a feeling that it would be hard to conceive but don't know why. Anyway, she turned 1, I finished breastfeeding and we started trying again knowing it may take a while. To cut a long story short, after a year we had tests done. All came back clear for me (although slightly low AMH) and husband SA revealed 100% abnormal morphology (shape) but ok count. We both cut out alocohol, I went on a high protein diet (good for eggs & because I suffered badly with anaemia). Met a specialist, recommended ivf with icsi and have just completed our first cycle which sadly failed.

For those asking about ivf, I can say it is hard and the idea of it is overwhelming but the actual process was ok. I am terrible with needles but did all the injections. Egg collection wasnt very pleasant but it's only about 20mins along and 2 days later I felt great and was back into days out with my little girl.

I think the worst thing for me is the time. I become obsessed with age gaps too. I feel like my life is on hold. Planning holidays is impossible at the moment and I worry that I am engrossed in this & missing out on precious time with my daughter.

However, on the plus side. It is great to have one on one time with my little girl. If I had certainty I would get pregnant just a matter of time, I think I would feel much better. I see many mums juggling two kids under 2 and I feel happy for my little girl that I can be there for her. I don't mean her being spoiled by attention, I just mean meeting her needs, watching every little new thing she does & treasuring it.

Hang in there ladies. I often tell myself everything happens for a reason. I haven't worked that reason out yet on this one but treasuring my little girl and making memories with her every day is one great thing. The fact that she would love a brother or sister breaks my heart. But I hope one day my dreams will come true.

Dont give up! Xx

Ps sorry for the long post but I feel better getting it down on paper!

pennylovesleonard Tue 14-May-13 10:41:32

I kinda feel the same dreams - my dd is 3.6 now & the bigger the age gap means she's more like an only child getting all our attention.
Well she is an only child but you know what I mean grin

We've been refered to the consultant but have to wait until July & the waiting is killing me... I'm not the most patient person anyway. I just want to be pregnant NOW. Grrrr

Trying to be positive but it is hard.

Lintilla Wed 15-May-13 10:03:05

Dreams I know how you feel about knowing the outcome now would make it so much easier to deal with the process.

And wrt the holiday issue, I'm trying reverse psychology at the moment. I have just decided I want to go to Oktoberfest this year so don't want to get pregnant until after then, and I've got 3 weddings to go to this summer too - I'm not sure it will work but if it doesn't I will console myself with a beer or two!

Penny the waiting is terrible, I've got my next test next week and I feel like I've been waiting for it for 6 months, but it has only been 8 weeks...

Urgh so depressed today.
There is a new baby in the family on dh's side which has prompted a fresh round of "when are you having another baby then Idbe?" And some lovely comments such as "you're not a proper family with only one child" and "it's unfair for ds to be an only, it must be so miserable!" Which is doubly insulting actually as I'm an only myself!

May I just add that dh's family are not known for their tact. They're all about as tactful as a brick.

teaandchocolate Wed 15-May-13 16:20:52

I feel for you Idbe! My DH has an elderly aunt who always insists on hammering home how important small age gaps are, how 2 years is ideal. At the park once she kept pointing out siblings and saying how nice it was, how lonely DD must be. I could have cried. She actually said at the last gathering 'oh have another baby...' Really wanted say 'well I would do if I hadnt had 2 mc and if I could actually get pregnant'. But I didn't. Needless to say I avoid her as much as possible now.

No words of widom. People are idiots!!!! Sometimes feel like moving to China where everyone only has one... wink

Adsum Thu 16-May-13 16:47:43

Tbh tea I sometimes feel we should have that rule here when I see the way some parents just mindlessly reproduce (of course I'm not jealous that they only have to exist and they become bloody pregnant!) ... and then I remember that I want another one!!

resipsa Mon 20-May-13 07:29:24

Sigh. Another friend produces DC2 and shares the news on the eve of my IVF official test date. Now, that was a tough one to pretend to be delighted by...

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