grandparent new laws

(132 Posts)
ednamode Wed 20-Jan-10 08:48:12

Hi

Really worried. I have deliberately cut myself away from family to get my life together as they were dragging us down with their disgusting attitude. and I have managed after years of pain to get our lives on track. Now I hear that this stupid government wants to give grandparents automatic rights to see their grandchildren, this is not a good thing for everyone infact for some of us it will cause real issues. What action can i take. and please no "well may be things have changed" answers i am not in the ball park for platitudes, this is serious.

many thanks

AgentZigzag Wed 20-Jan-10 19:13:40

Megglevache - we've thought of that too, how sad is that?? That the state would hound parents and children out of their home country just for wanting to have their parental choices respected.

The only person to decide who can and cannot see our children is DH and I, it's got fk all to do with the government or the courts unless they suspect we are abusing our children, and in that case it's in everyones interest to resolve any problems.

In my situation, my mum would love to be able to take us to court to force us to bend to her will, she loves power games and would take grat delight in 'winning', she claims to love her GD but would put her through court if she could.

Im not being funny but dd already spends one fortnight (when he turns up) seeing her dad who she doesnt want to see and travels 90 miles round trip to do so, so if they pass this she would then have to spend a seperate weekend being taken to see toxic exmil in another direction as even exh doesnt speak to her, she doesnt drive and says she isnt well enough to travel so my dd would spend every weekend travelling 90 miles by train, and then somewhere in between see my mum and dad and actually spend some time with me shock

Whats next aunty and uncle rights? everyone but the mother having a say in what is right for the child IMO most mothers do not withhold access without good reason (although I admit some do)

MrsMorgan Wed 20-Jan-10 19:18:42

There is no way in hell that I would allow my dc to see xp's parents again. Even xp doesn't see them as they are that awful.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Wed 20-Jan-10 19:19:16

Oh, believe me, I'm fully sympathetic - my own MIL is fine, but a friend had the most dreadful experiences with hers after she split with her DH.

OTOH, I do know of a case close to home, where both parents are unfit, and granny has picked up the pieces - or the baby, at any rate. It was, of course, done through Child Protection procedures, but the mother of the baby repeatedly kicks up stink about wanting the child back (well, straighten your life out) and if/when this happens, I can see granny having to fight for access.

HerBeatitude Wed 20-Jan-10 20:24:41

I would also like to know if these proposed rights apply to GP's where BOTH parents who live together have agreed that those GP's should not have access to their children, or just to GP's where the parents are separated?

lalalonglegs Wed 20-Jan-10 21:21:32

As far as I can tell, from reading news reports, it's only in the case of the parents' relationship breaking down. It also implies that, in that case, there would already have to be a pattern of contact which the GPs wanted to continue - I don't think they could just turn up if they had been estranged for some time and demand visiting rights.

nolongerdrowning Wed 20-Jan-10 21:33:04

Message withdrawn

diddl Thu 21-Jan-10 08:41:19

I think if there was regular access & a couple split & access is then denied then OK, the GPs should be able to do something.

Other than that...

Shoshe Thu 21-Jan-10 08:54:49

May I just put the other side of the arguement.

I am a Grandmother, who has had custody of her DGD at times through her almost 15 years.

I have always finacially supported her, as in buying her school uniform, shoes, coats, and most of her home clothes, even when she was/is living with her Mother.

She is my DS's DD, who has always paid maintenance, even when at collage. (parents were young teenagers at her birth)

At times, when she is back living with her mother, and her ex partner (Thank God he is now Ex, for Mother daughter and two siblings sake very violent layabout) we have been stopped seeing her.

We have gone months without seeing her.

There was nothing we could do about it.

Seeing her was on the whim of her mother, (although I do feel under duress from the Ex, but still we were stopped)

Not all Grandparents want to see the child just to spite the Parent, not all Grandparents go to court just to be difficult.

Some, and I would say most, go to court because they love and miss their Grandchildren.

diddl Thu 21-Jan-10 10:48:27

But what about your son Shoshe?

Shoshe Thu 21-Jan-10 12:32:13

What do you mean didd, why dosnt my son bring her to see me?

Because he didnt see her for even longer, she refused to let him, would be out when he turned up to get her, wouldnt answer the door, and told me if she saw him at my house, then she would stop her coming to my house, (he did turn up to see her in the end, mother found out and stopped her coming to me)in the end he had to spend thousands of pounds involve social services to see her.

We do all see her now, and I do have a reasonable relationship with mt ex DIL now, (am taking DGD's younger siblings, by her Ex to the cinema tonight actually) now that her exP is out of the picture.

In fact DS is an electrician, and when ExDIL lost all her electric heating recently, he went and fixed it.

cory Thu 21-Jan-10 12:43:10

I am torn on this one, partly from experience. Of course, if the grandparents are actually abusive or might harm the child, then it's pretty clearcut.

But if it's not the case, if it's simply the case of a DIL and a MIL not getting on, then I think one might have to accept that the interests of the parents are not necessarily the interests of the grandchildren.

My Mum and her MIL never got on. Didn't go as far as refusing to see her, but my Mum was always trying to enlist me on her side, and make me see how badly she was being treated. I resent it to this day! Yes, I can see that from her pov her MIL was a royal pain in the arse and that they could never get on together. But she wasn't my MIL, she was my grandmother, I still wanted the right to establish our relationship without being told what I ought to think about her. I was not my mother's counsellor, I was not interested in hurtful things that had been said before I was even born.

Dh also had a very good relationship with his gran, despite the fact that she never liked his dad, her SIL, and had been pretty horrible to him (refused to attend the wedding because she disapproved of him). Must have been very hard on his dad, but dh still has all those happy memories from his childhood, he wouldn't have wanted to be without them.

I have a distant relative whose dd has decided to cut herself off from her: she never gave any reason or told the old lady what she had done, but she hasn't seen her eldest grandchild since he was a baby, and wasn't even informed that the second one had been born. I feel sorry for her, but also vaguely concerned for the grandchildren who will either have been brought up on a lie (grandma dead/doesn't want to see you) or had her presented to them as an ogre without having been given a chance to make their own minds up. These are the only grandchildren she will ever have and she feels the loss very deeply.

IWishIWasAFrog Thu 21-Jan-10 13:09:34

I can see both sides of the argument, but the thing that gets me is how is this ANY of the governments business? State intruding too much in private life, IMO. I'm no Daily Wail reader, but this really smacks of a nanny state.

diddl Thu 21-Jan-10 13:22:48

Oh Shoshe, I´m glad things are better.

I don´t get on particularly with my Ils & I suppose if husband & I split I would feel it was up to him to make sure his parents saw the children when he had them IYSWIM.

wahwah Thu 21-Jan-10 21:16:57

I can certainly repect all perspectives here and i think that that it's clear that everyone is focussed on the best interests of children, whatever they might be, contact or no contact.

However, having read Atlantis's comments to Nananina I think it's only right to say that I am going to report them. They are vile and drag down this thread.

wahwah Thu 21-Jan-10 21:21:35

Oh I am late in returning to this thread. It looks like the bile has been removed. I am very pleased to
see that

wahwah Thu 21-Jan-10 21:23:55

Der, I am dim. Wrong thread, please ignore me.

atlantis Fri 22-Jan-10 02:11:41

"However, having read Atlantis's comments to Nananina I think it's only right to say that I am going to report them. They are vile and drag down this thread.

Oh I am late in returning to this thread. It looks like the bile has been removed. I am very pleased to
see that

Der, I am dim. Wrong thread, please ignore me. "

Geez wahwah if NN is getting you to complain on her behalf for goodness sake get the right thread, quite obvious from your first post you hadn't read it! DOH. (the state of social services! hope you don't handle your case files that way.. lets take this kid for the fun of it.. or was it that one?..)

Alambil Fri 22-Jan-10 04:25:04

ffs will you stop with the personal digs?

Flightattendant Fri 22-Jan-10 05:42:34

Oh dear, dear, dear.

I cannot be doing with this, mil is the type I think

I may have to come with you megs
Is scotland safe do you think? Or a boat in the pacific ocean?

What happens if your mil really hates you, thinks you are cruel and heartless for erm, for her child having left you hmm

and tells you what is what and when she will visit regardless of what you think or feel or what is convenient

I suppose the burden of all that fall squarely on an already stressed to the hilt and unsupported lone parent, doesn't it. F*cking fantastic.

Ok, which party is likely to put this through SLOWEST?

Surely if the child is in danger the grandparent will automatically be considered by most ss as being best person to step in? If there is already access that is.

thankfully we have had none so far, they went off in a strop. Does that help?

Flightattendant Fri 22-Jan-10 05:47:51

Actually main question is how is it likely to impact on whether the 'absent' parent gets to see their children

I'm scared she will get some kind of legal thing and drag him along with her,

NO I am never having her in my home. It would have to be elsewhere.

Seriously thinking of moving.

HerBeatitude Fri 22-Jan-10 12:47:35

I wonder if there will be any controls over what tone GP's are allowed to take with the children regarding their mother.

As FA says, you can just imagine toxic MIL's filling kids' heads with tales of how awful Mummy is, how nasty she was to Daddy etc. And yeah, lone parents would have to wipe up the shit. As usual.

HerBeatitude Fri 22-Jan-10 12:48:06

Rights without responsibilities, that's what these would be.

Greensleeves Fri 22-Jan-10 12:50:01

god this has made my stomach flip over

my mother will have a field day sad

diddl Fri 22-Jan-10 12:57:16

Surely it will only apply where there was contact & it has been stopped for no reason?

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