Mumsnet Talk

Science ponders zombie attack

"If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively."

No shit Sherlock.

Wow - what a job. How can I become a researcher in California?

do you think they sat watching zombie movies for hours on end

Lol, I love a good zombie plan, they obviously didn't get in touch with mn.

yes, they ahve not paid any attention to the 'can they survive under water' dilemm. LAZY.

depends completely on what type of zombies we're dealing with.
if it's the old style dawn of the dead original/shaun of the dead then we'll be fine.
if it's the modern 28 days later style portrayal of zombies, i.e. ultra fast an strong then we're all fucked.

TBH if all corpses came back to life I think civilization wouldn't stand a chance. The numbers would be far too huge to be defeated.

I think Zombies can survive underwater. After all, they can survive death.

We would have to hope that at the same time Planet Earth would be invaded by billions of aliens. A perfect storm, if you will. Zombies v Aliens would allow humans the time to hatch an escape plan to Mars.

I just love the fact that the bloke in charge of the project is called Smith?-it's-not-a-typo-the-question-mark-is-part-of-his-name.

Would there be animal zombies as well? That could be quite sweet really.

Depends what animals Cornsilk. Guinea Pigs I could cope with, rabid wolves might be a different situation all together.

Hopefully, the brainiacs in California have got all bases covered.

Did I misread it or isn't it research by scientists in Canada?

Or did it come from the lab of professor Denzil Dexter?

i'm pretty sure zombies can't survive water. hence the survival plan for all should be, find a sniper rifle and plenty of ammo. make your way to a light house island. wait out the apocolypse. return to land and be imminently more pwoerful and successful in the new civilisation becuase there'll be less competition and chances are no one left alive will have the patent rights for microsoft and shit like that so you can steal them.,

Mayor, that is indeed an interesting plan. Basically, in a nutshell, we all need to relocate to somewhere with lax gun laws and lots of water. Those buggers from Chicago will conquer the brave new world. They have it all sewn up.

>>I just love the fact that the bloke in charge of the project is called Smith?-it's-not-a-typo-the-question-mark-is-part-of-his-name.

I lol'd at this. Especially cos he is called Robert Smith?. I wonder if he gets a lot of people going 'Robert Smith? THE Robert Smith?' so thought he might as well change it. or just really likes punctuation.

Mayor I love that patent rights for Microsoft are part of your zombie plan.

Can I nab patents for wind turbines and solar panels for my plan? Let's share the plagiarism around fairly, yes?

Mayor's plan does assume a fairly good level of accuracy when shooting zombies (I'm assuming you need a head shot) If just one got ashore you'd be knackered.

oh and the Beatles' entire back catalogue (you will need a solar-powered CD player to go with that)

Surely one of the only upsides to a zombie attack and the end of civilisation as we know it is the opportunity to get rid of Microshit once and for all and pretend it never happened? In the new world order we should all just have Macs. seriously.

Would insects become zombies as well? Does zombification only apply to mammals? What about fish?

Zombie spiders?? <shudder>

it's going to be like the gold rush in the west between everyone trying to snag shit in this utopia i envisage.

and seeing as a)i don't believe zombies can swim and b) i've dedicated a healthy amount of my life to the works of playstation and sega mega drive i reckon i've already acquired the requisite accuracy. also remember. even if one got a shore i'm in a secured life houes, plenty of time to casually take my head shot while they run around in circles snarling.

Zombie olympic gold medalist swimmers will definitely be able to swim.

So we either recruit the gold medallist swimmers to our Army Of Resistance before they get zombified, or we have crack sniper units to take them out post-zombification before they get to the water. Mind you, they probably couldn't swim if a fellow zombie had eaten half of their legs, so it would all be down to context.

This plan would all have been a lot easier had the Zombie Plague struck during the fallow period when British swimming was a bit rubbish. Zombie gold medallists wouldn't have been a significant problem then, whereas now they'd be all over the place.

Agreed. Perhaps the government should consider scrapping swimming lessons in primary school to guarantee fat zombies who can't fetch a brick in the deep end whilst wearing pyjamas.

zombies are my secret fear.. seriously. I have nightmares about them

I read Cell by Stephen king a couple of years ago.

Basically a deadly virus infects everyone who is unlucky enough to be on a mobile at the same time. It turns them into zombies {really thick but violent} then something happens and they become intelligent and extremely violent.

I could'nt use my phone for days after reading it

me too sheepgomeep

I too secretly fear the zombie attack. Really. I am no good in a crisis. I would be wormfood in ten minutes. This never used to bother me too harshly pre dcs, but now I literally lose sleep sometimes worrying about not being able to protect them.

I was ok pre children too. Now I'm scared for dd.
And I had thought about using her benzos to put her gently to sleep but then in that film The Mist, the guy kills his son as he thinks there's no hope and 5 seconds later the army arrive and blast the mist monsters.
Yes, I do lie awake fretting about this

Oh fuck! The Mist! I was thinking about that film today, and couldn't remember what it was called. It depressed the shit out of me. I am glad it's not just me who has a morbid fascination with the apocalypse since having dcs. Dh is a big Cormac McCarthy fan; I am not fussed. He was telling me some of the stuff that happens in The Road; just from hearing him talk about it I was awake fretting in the night. One to avoid, I feel.

The thing about zombie survival strategies is that they tend to be envisaged by Americans, or Brits heavily influenced by Americans. Which means they leave out the key things we have in the UK which make surviving the zombie hordes that much more likely.

Castles. Great big wall. Huge gates. Specifically designed for keeping out hordes of angry stinking individuals. Hide in your nearest National Trust Property, and chuck a can of petrol over the wall once a day to immolate the horde... No problem if you've got the food.

Perhaps they could write a zombie attack into the Tudors to demonstrate that.

lol cornsilk, what and compromise their fastidious historical accuracy? They would have Joss Stone fending the feckers off with an AK47 before being rescued by a helicopter flown by robots.

Anne Boleyn would make a great zombie.

I'd like to see a film where a grizzled band of stereotypical zombie film survivors band together to reach a castle, and then find it's been occupied by a coach bus full of blue-rinsers & retirees who happened to be visiting when the horde descended. Culture clash comedy/zombie horror.

PMSL at Kevlarhead.

Why did the scientists concentrate on slooooow zombies?

'cos they're the classic Night of the Living Dead model of zombie. The fast Zombie is more of an arriviste...

Do you think we could have both types of zombie and they could just fight each other?

arrggg ive only just got that bloody e4 programe out of my mind!!

stop it!

"Do you think we could have both types of zombie and they could just fight each other?"

Must... not... make... obvious... Harry... Hill... joke...

What happens if zombies don't feed? dh argues that they can be 'starved' into submission as they tehmselves are dead and decaying, hence if they are denied sustenance for long enough they will eventually disintegrate to a point where they are easily decapitated or otherwise destroyed.

Some good zombie films:

Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town - what it says on the tin

Hard Rock Zombies - Nazis, rock n roll, zombies and true love.

"dh argues that they can be 'starved' into submission as they tehmselves are dead and decaying, hence if they are denied sustenance for long enough they will eventually disintegrate to a point"

28 Days Later seemed to follow this theory; the happy clappy ending included shots of starving zombies dying of starvation.

Only to be expected I suppose; brains are nutritious but fast zombies are going to need a lot more than 2500 calories a day to keep them going...

Why are zombies intrinsically evil though? I mean, I know we assume that they will be on the rampage for brains and general violence, but why? I don't see that it follows that dead = evil.

And also, if a zombie kills you, do you become a zombie? Because, although it doesn't look great I think I would probably prefer being a zombie if zombies were the ruling force, rather than a terrified human hiding out and killing zombies. That's no life.

ozie has a point. what kind of people ar you to stereotype zombies this way

for all you know they could buy from boden or anything

SHAME ON YOU

this is racism pure and simple

i think this thread should be deleted

I have a friend who is a zombie but...

if zombies eat you how do you become one. You see poeple vanishing under a horde then 10 secs latr they are a zombie and have one bite mark. wtf?

I am sorry if I have inadvertently caused offence. I did not know 'zombie' was now considered to be an unacceptable term. I should of course have referred to 'the undead community'.

is 'undead' a PC term? Surely 'persons who are neither alive nor dead'?
'Persons of unlife'? Or is that using 'life' terms to define them thus, by defining them like that we are using ourselves, the living, as the norm and thus denying them a unique identity?
How should we cater to their needs?
Perhaps they are reclaiming the term 'zombie'?

Life-free, surely?

Hey everyone. I just googled Professor Robert Smith?

see here

i am amazed that people here still use the Z word. Totally out of order.

i believe the correct phrasiology the un-respirational community

I am liking Professor Robert Smith? I think MNHQ should get him here on for a zombie web chat.

I did not realise that Reg Shoe was using mumnet

'un-respirational community'
hahahahahaha

Oooh I've had my "what to do in case of zombie attack" planned and pinned up on my fridge for aaaaaages

Great thread. I second the suggestion to bring Mr Smith? (honestly ) for a web chat. It'd be great.

He could clear up the tricky questions about water/starvation for us; it would certainly make planning a lot simpler if we could separate the facts from the myths.

Rather than luring them to a (possible but not definite) watery end, isn't the only sensible solution to entice them into a conveniently-located area of sinkng sand?

Even a Mark Phelps Zombie would be foiled by this, surely?

I just knew there would be a thread on this, as soon as I saw the article.

I want to know who or what funded for this research - and why... <narrows eyes>

And are we really not allowed to use the "Z word" any more? Honestly, it's just pc gone mad

they are beings despite their inactive respirational activity.

i personally know lots of the un-respirational community and they love to shop at Boden

dead set is still the best zombie imagining in my book. what's not to love about charlie brooker ripping the living piss out of big brother and making a cool zombie show at the same time?

Surely the term is "respirationally challenged"...

Lol at "love to shop at Boden".

For anyone who hasn't yet sorted out their zombie plan, I recommend the "Zombie Survival Guide". I bought it for DH and he has studied it with a rather disturbing degree of concentration - he tells me that it is extremely thorough...

God, I LOOOOOVE zombie fiction and have my survival plan all worked out.

Reading this thread made me want to go on Amazon and buy some more zombie books, but I could give birth any minute so I suppose I'll just have to wait until child is born...

Loving the fact there's a thread about zombies on mumsnet!!

Thank you WSH for recommendation, I will most definitely buy.
Am utterly obsessed with my escape plan although more concerned about the 28 days later/ that Will Smith film type of evilness. Have entire survival plan mapped out and regularly wake DH up to discuss. Have route and place in, well somewhere secret. Good to hear that others are equally sensible.

Whilst googling WSH's recommendation I have discovered that 'The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks' is to be released on October 6th. How exciting!

Isn't Robert Smith the singer in The Cure?

Now I am betting a certain journalist is rubbing her hands together reading this.

Actually zombification would solve the teen pregnancy rate, after zombies can reproduce by biting each other, which if you think of it, is much more sociable that the icky fluid spilling alternatives. And would cut down on one's household consumption of detergents to clean up wet patches.

Good point. Do zombies take drugs and spray graffiti? I don't think so. They probably wear hoodies though.

If I'm bitten will my breastfed child get immunity?

Zombies would also be distinctly British as they would be unable to keep their mouths shut for the passport photos (what with the slavering for blood and all) so there would be no 'zombies - pah, coming over here, taking our brains' complaints!

And just think of the reduction in the demand for Tamiflu!!!! We could save billions in health care for a start if Zombies take over.

oooh cornsilk, thanks for the tip - have pre-ordered it on amazon
<<<twitches with frustration at having to wait till release date to get it>>>

A quick google has just established that there are actually forums where people talk strategy on zombie defense and swap survival tips... surely this sort of sensitive informaiton should not publicly accessible? After all, the Daily Mail zombies might get online and see it...

wonder how they would get the oozing pussing blood stain out their lovely boden??

informaiton information
should not be publicly accessible
Really should preview...

ridingjoker I assume they just have to keep going back to boden to buy more clothes - perhaps this solves the mystery of why boden hasn't gone bust despite producing such heinous clothes: the zombies are propping the company up

Look, everyone who's ever seen a zombie movie knows they are made out of plasticine. All we need to do is continue with global warming and they'll all melt the minute they come out of their dark hidey holes. I also think that they just need soeone to listen to their needs and fears. everyone just rus, no-one thas the courage to stop and listen. I say we cull a certain percentage of the population as zombie fodder, and once their appetites are sated, we all sit down and work out a better and brighter future for a shared world.

Can zombies poo?

They're ingesting all that corpse, it's got to go somewhere. Will they be sanitary? It's no good to me if I stock up on beans and beat them to a pulp only to be felled by typhoid.

wildseahorses - yes, perhaps the zombies are sponsored by boden also.

can you toilet train a zombie?

Can you make them wash their hands, at least?

<<visualises cross-legged zombie queue outside the public toilet mid-gore-fest>>

No need - viruses can only survive on a living host, three hours on anything else will kill the hardiest bug!

But what about all the poo-based bacteria?

Would it be easy enough to sow Immodium in local corpses to bung up the undead?

Have you never done Atkins snigger. A protein brain based diet is probably entirely fibre free. I do not foresee this being and issue. But of course we could set up spray points as we did with foot and mouth and ask the zombies to clean up before crossing the threshold of major cities etc.

Can't believe you lot are having a debate about undead rights without mentioning the awesome Mr Reg Shoe, founder of the Fresh Start Club.

"As a member of the dead community Reg Shoe naturally thought of himself as an ethnic majority."

Ah, got it, Mr (Corporal) Shoe would rather we refer to zombies as 'differently alive'.

It's only polite, innit?

www.mathstat.uottawa.ca/~rsmith/Zombies.pdf. This should appeal to all the nerds out there - complete with mathematical models etc etc.... I love it.

Now last year I went on holiday for 2 weeks so my house was closed up for that time. When I came back some of the wooden floor boards had risen forming a little hump. I, of course, consulted MN to be informed it was the Zombies rising!

The floor got worse in the first few days we got back then went down again. Well guess what, we have just come back from 2 weeks away and the Zombies are at it again(ie the floor boards are humped again), they must not like the quiet! so my zombie plan it to make a lot of noise!

Brains have a high fat content, though. If the undead had been on a course of Alli or Xenical immediately before death, the fatty brains might have a disastrous effect on their digestive systems. So I think snigger has a point.

love this thread!

Edam, we prefer to be called " The living impaired " if you don't mind

Differently animated?

I'm tired and I blame you lot.

I had an early night last night to catch up on some much-needed sleep. I fell asleep right away but dreamed a long, convoluted and very scary zombie dream all night. At least 3 times I woke up and spent a bit of time trying to think pleasant thoughts before going back to sleep but instead immediately plunged back into the dream where I'd left off.

I'm pretty sure the zombies won in the end too. We were trapped at the top of a terraced house with hardly any food left and zombies all around at my last waking up.

Cheer up bran - just think, if it is still allowable to shoot the "differently animated" (in self defence of course) it will make it much easier to grab all the sales items at Boden.

Just as a matter of etiquette though, I note that certain persons have been suggesting using sniper rifles on the undead. My understanding of these situations (based on a thorough study of Doom 3) is that a shotgun is the correct weapon to use.

A few linkys for protecting children at times of living impaired unrest

http://zombiecombatclub.com/index.php/2008/10/23/protecting-children-from-zombie-attack/

ht tp://www.baby-carriers-downunder.com/2009/02/21/its-time-to-get-serious-zombies/

I just read this and it is a cracking read for all you zombi lovers out there, actual zombi satire www.amazon.co.uk/Tomes-Dead-Way-Barefoot-Zombie/dp/1906735069/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1250779846&sr=8 -1
I pollished it off in one night, read behind the head of a 10 day old baby breastfeeding.(Slightly disturbering to be muched on while reading this)Love the link at start of thread.

Woops I mean 'protecting children from zombi attack' link above.Priceless.

As it happens I'm a dab hand with a pump action shotgun, the problem is getting my hands on guns and ammo in central London. In my dream I certainly didn't have any.

The zombies (I find it a challenge to keep up with pc terms for the non-fictional, let alone those who are not-yet a reality) can have the Boden lisianthus, and welcome to it. It doesn't fit me as it's designed for the short-bodied English pear-shape and I'm completely apple-shaped, plus it's very ugly IMO.

Pmsl at this thread, this is what is so great about mumsnet. Sent link to my dh who would second the pump action shotgun as weapon of choice, reckon with a rifle the bullet would go straight through, thus causing negligible damage. Although of course would ruin the Boden.

i am useless at zombie death tactics.
2 questions

what happens when we burn them?

would they look like michael jackson thriller extras if we shot them with tazer guns? and they writhed about in shock?

I discussed this zombie issue with DH..he feels burning is best...but can you buy a flame-thrower online?

I know this thread has moved significantly on but I need to make the point that Anne Boleyn couldn't be a zombie, because she was killed by being decapitated.

Sorry to be a pedant. Keep up the good work, I love a good zombie thread.

My husband does airsoft and has 3 replica AK47s which fire bbs at great speed. They sting if they hit hard living human flesh, but I reckon a few rounds would take the head off a decriped zombie. Solves the "where do I get live ammo in a country in which gun ownership is essentially illegal" problem we have in the UK. Airsoft is the way to go.

Burning would eventually destroy the head, so would be a valid option, although I'm not sure tasering would work, since it would essentially be like running a current through a joint of meat - it would have no effect because the differently animated don't have heartbeats and brainwaves like the typically animated community.

But I will avoid talking of killing methods now, as do not want to be accused of hate speech.

so.... is it all about getting the head off?...

what if they develop into a superace of walking non-living who find a way to survive without their mouths to eat brains?

Destroying the head is the key in pretty much all mythologies dealing with the neither dead nor alive. but we shouldn't really be talking liek this. People nowadays will probably want to explore more humane options, such as sending them to Job Club or building them leisure centres.

Maybe we could all just adopt one then, and keep it tied up in the garden shed like at the end of Shaun of the Dead.

I think the issue with burning is that while it would be effective there would be a few minutes while the zombie would be wandering around alight (before it's head is burnt to ashes). In effect it would be a giant fire-lighter and if it happened to wander into or close to whatever building you were sheltering in it could have dreadful consequences.

If they could survive on all forms of discarded organic matter and not just human brains, then they could become the new chickens.

adopting - there would be a lengthy process in the application. and some people would be excluded.

those who encourage equality would be prone to setting their zombie "free" and unleashing.

"I think the issue with burning is that while it would be effective there would be a few minutes while the zombie would be wandering around alight (before it's head is burnt to ashes). In effect it would be a giant fire-lighter and if it happened to wander into or close to whatever building you were sheltering in it could have dreadful consequences."

Like in (I think) Night of the Living Dead, or possibly Dawn of the Dead, when they tried to get into a locked petrol pump by shooting the lock and blew themselves up. Imbeciles.

Fire is best..with an added head shot if you have a fire-arm...I'm thinking on a British non-country level..

Incidentally if you every want to practice your zombie plan and want to do a mock evacuation of your entire family from an enclosed space filled with the braindead, the sale at IKEA starts in October

Great! I can practise my plan AND pick up an Antilop chair.

have a zombie disguise ready just incase
fire arms and weapons
build a bunker in the garden

So assuming that we all survive the zombie attack (and how could we not survive, our plans are so exhaustive), what then?

If the decapitated zombies rot and are absorbed into the ground would we be able to eat vegetables grown in that soil?

What about the rain falling onto rotting zombies and then going into the water table? How do you treat water to make it safe? Is it enough to just boil and/or clorinate it or is the zombie infection made of stronger stuff than bacteria?

I'm assuming that nobody will eat meat that comes from omnivores (eg pigs or fish) because you don't know what they were eating during the zombie attack, but what about cows or sheep? Would they be safe to eat if they have been grazing near rotting zombies? Would the milk be safe?

There's only so long that we can all survive on the old tinned food, even if we do get quite slap-dash about use-by dates.

Is it normal away from MN to have a Zombie Plan?

I had my exbf here last weekend, and I was telling him about MN and how much I am addicted enjoy it.
I'd said about the fun threads, particularly those in classics and he has a zombie plan too.

Is it just me that had no idea about zombie plans until I joined MN?

Of course now I have a plan of supersonic jumping into the loft (no ladder) and squealing.

Do not jump into the loft. How are you going to get out again?

You need to research this. Here are some ideas.

Well I can't go outside, the zombies will be there.

Oh god, I'll make the classic horror film mistake of running upwards won't I.

I'm going to die

Which is why you need some basic weapons planned to enable you to get to a vehicle and get out of there.

You are right. Going up is always a shit idea.

Right, I have a bread knife and a similar knife but with a pointy tip.

I've a pair of Ice skates, not to skate off into the distance (not going to happen on a gravel road), but to kill zombies.
I don't drive or have a car.

What will I do?

It's bad enough that I'm stuck in the house because of the slugs, I'll be really fucked if the zombies come

My exbf won't tell me of his plan, he just waffled on about peanuts
I think he doesn't want me to share his plan.

I'm going to die

will the animals turn into zombies too.

for example. if zombie bit a horse, would it then have a zombie horse to ride around on to terrorise us?

If the zombies were in the 28 days mold, then would a zombie tortoise or sloth be a frenzied killing machine?

My DH is reading this and wonders..."It would also go against all the WWW stuff about taking out a zombie Panda with a headshot."

28 Days Later wasn't about zombies, they were The Infected. They were living people infected with a virus (a bit like rabies) which made them very sensitive to light and permanantly angry. They had the strength and speed of an ordinary person having an adrenalin rush, and they could be killed in the same way as an ordinary person and didn't necessarily need a head shot or decapitation. In that film the virus could definitely be passed between species because it was originally caught from an animal, a chimp I think, in a laboratory.

On the whole the films are very unclear about the zombification of animals, probably because of the cost and complication of using specially trained animals with lots of gory makeup. I haven't actually seen very many zombie films though, (because I'm too chicken sophisticated for them) so perhaps somebody else has seen one with animals.

Well there are the Dawn of the dead (2004) Zombies that were very fast...also the Resident Evil Zombies..they are a combined Zombie/Infected..but Zom nevertheless..zombie dogs are quite popular never seen a Zomcat yet..have seen other animals including birds (Resident Evil)..maybe they are carriers more than out and out Zombies?

This is why I never wear matching underwear.

Totally serious question here, from a MN who happens to be updaing one's zombie plan... do zombies feast on vegetarians?

Genuine question, thank you

I'm afraid so Kk.

LOL..veggies are still very meaty,chewy,boney, delish to a zombie

muggglewump, the original zombie plan thread established through an inexhaustive survey of DPs and DHs that the majority of men have a zombie plan but, at least until MN set about remedying this shocking deficiency, very few women do.

By Ozziegirly Wed 19-Aug-09 03:21:37
"Why are zombies intrinsically evil though? I mean, I know we assume that they will be on the rampage for brains and general violence, but why? I don't see that it follows that dead = evil."

I couldn't let this go unanswered. People, people, your lack of knowledge deeply disturbs me. Tis serious shit you know. You can't join my band of resistance fighters without a sound understanding of the enemy.

In Day of the Dead, the mad scientist explains that the last part of the brain to rot is the r complex in the core "that prehistoric bit of jelly inherited from the dinosaurs" It is what drives us at the most primitive level thus they act on a "deep, dark, primordial instinct", being the need to feed.

aplogies if anyone has already linked

They should put this on the national curriculum.

apologies

Goodness me I don't even have a plan for a powercut let alone a zombie attack! <<wanders off mumbling to self about needing to be more organised>>

Stolen joke: do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, of course not, they eat the popcorn after the fingers!