Used to do the competitive tiredness thing... until recently, when the children started sleeping through the night consistently, and the oldest started school, I think he really is more tired. Now I'm worried he'll notice and send me back to work!

Yes to a point UQD.
But if the person is asking the same question for the 4000th time, the askee is not unentitled to fold their arms.

Much as my secretary would be if I asked her over & over where the holiday forms are kept, or something. If I found myself doing something repeatedly, I would definitely start off by saying "I'm sorry, I know I've asked before, but where are ..." and then make myself a little note so it doesn't happen again. Because the repeated queries do show a something - an "it's not quite my responsibility" thing - with associated issues about respect.

"where do we keep" sorry

Brain is addled today

I see what you mean but I'm not talking about deliberate incompetence. I think there should be some give and take - if he says "where you we keep the so-and-so", don't sigh, tut and fold your arms - tell him. And ask yourself if you'd know how to do any of the jobs he does (assuming there are any!) without asking a question.

UD, incompetence, though, is an old trick for getting out of things, isn't it? Like dads who wash up and cook so spectacularly badly or many of my collagues at work who let others wipe their arse for them, it's easier for someone else to step in. I have to say I now have this down to a fine art, with my burning and using-up-every-pan-in-the-kitchen skills.

I cannot complain about my own DH who is fully responsible.

I do think if women want down time though, they are going to need to actually take it. You can't complain about never getting to read a book if when you have the time you don't actually do it. If both people are working, I think inevitably some choices have to be left out: in our house, we choose sloth often to keep us sane, even if we have to live in mess sometimes.

I have a problem stopping too. It took me ages to realise that I was developing a bit of a martyr complex - doing housework in my 'time off' while feeling hard done by when my partner relaxed with the paper during his. Actually it was only spending time staying with a woman with a much bigger martyr complex that made me realise what I was doing. Now I try to say sod the house work and relax. It might help that my mother was never obsessivly houseproud and is just as likely to read the paper as tidy up!

I think MP sums it up wonderfully
Dh and I do engage in this a bit but we both acknowledge that it is narkiness vrought on by exhaustion- he works nigfhts and I have an up-all-night sn ds1 and a baby.

Ultimately we know we're both tired and the grizzling never lasts long- indeed it tends to warn the other partner that tlc is required

Great quote from Toby Young, but he does make some good points higher up the article (about the relative levels of "competence" to be expected between someone who does the childcare all the time and someone who just does it in the evenings).

Bink - thank you! And on the subject of Default Parents - guess who was baking his birthday cake at 9 p.m. last night?

orangina that is true for me too actually

I can't bear to sit still, I will do washing up, cook next Tuesday's dinner, re-paint the lounge... while DH will listen to the football

MrsTittlemouse: Good point about looking at your parent's 'deal' and comparing