Advice needed to help year 8 son

[Chiara72]

HI there

First off, I don't home school my son, although I've been tempted over the years, but I need some advice about helping him at home.

We've moved around a lot over the past 7 years or so (he's been to ten schools in 4 countries) and we've finally settled down somewhere and are generally happy. I have four other children all of whom are happy in school, but this boy is not and although certainly bright, seems to be sinking. His school reports are getting worse and he's being moved down for many subjects. He started the school a year ago and I'd hoped by now he'd be settled in but it's not happening. Socially he's given up and has no friends (his sister tells me he could have friends, but he isn't bothered) and just seems generally unhappy.

I would like to help bring him up to speed education wise at the very least but am at a loss as to where to start. He already has maths tuition (for all the difference it makes) but would like advice about websites/books that I could use to help with his other subjects. He wants to improve too but is so disorganised he never seems to know what he needs to do.

I love my son dearly and just want the best for him, I've considered homeschooling but feel at his age I'd be afraid I'd basically be saying 'ok I give in, you can't hack the real world so let's do this at home'. I don't mean to insult anyone by saying that, I think homeschooling would have totally worked and been good for him when he was younger, but he's now at a stage where I feel he needs to learn to negotiate the real world a bit too.

Anyway, any advice is gratefully accepted.

Thanks

[ommmward]

If you think he'd thrive better socially and academically out of school, and you could home educate, why wouldn't you do the thing that'll make him thrive better, even if you are kicking yourself for not having done it earlier? I don't get it. Is it because you don't want to admit you were wrong before when you said "oh, school's the best place for him?"

(school is not very like the real world, by the way. I'm not sure my children could hack school, but they seem to get on fine out in the real world... I am typing this with a friendly elbow nudge included)

[Chiara72]

I'm not sure he would thrive out of school, he's quite insular and I worry that being home all day would just feed into his need to not talk or mix with people and I don't think that would be a good thing. Whereas homeschooling may have worked when he was little, I'm not sure it's a solution now, although I'm not dismissing it as it still may well come to it if I have no joy with the school.

He's been happy in the past in school, but I feel he gave up four schools ago and hasn't been happy since. I just want to get him back to the happy child with friends who was doing well at school. I can't force him to make friends but at the very least I can help with his confidence levels by getting his grades back to where they need to be. If homeschooling is the only way of doing this I may have to consider it seriously, but want to ensure I've tried every avenue with school first.

Thanks for the advice, it gives me confidence that people like you are out there and are happy with homeschooling...at least I know there is an alternative.

[Saracen]

The idea that home education is an escape from reality, because school is the real world, is almost universal. It is one of the most frequent criticisms of home education.

However, it doesn't stand up to close scrutiny. In fact, many of us will argue that the very opposite is true. School is a particular institution. Being in it prepares people well for functioning within school. But in many respects the skills needed to survive socially and academically at school are entirely different from the skills which are needed in most environments outside of school.

You are totally right. At his age, your son does need to start learning to negotiate the real world. Is that happening through his current unhappiness, social isolation, and disorganisation?

Can you give one or two examples of some things which are happening at your son's school which you see as good preparation for how things will be when he is grown up? We may be able to cast a different light on it and help you see other possibilities...

The thing is, if your son is spending six hours a day in an environment which doesn't suit him, extra tuition is not going to fix that. It would be like sending him out to walk around all day in shoes which are two sizes too small and give him horrible blisters, then taking the shoes off at the end of the day and trying to repair the damage with massage and soaking in a hot bath and sticking plasters on, before cramming the shoes back on the following day to repeat the process.

[Nigglenaggle]

What does your son want to do about the situation?

Posting on the home ed threads everyone is going to read your post and tell you he'd be better out of school... I think subliminally you must want to take him out

[Chiara72]

Ladies, good points all round. Nigglenaggle there is a huge part of me that wants to take him out, he is such an unusual thinker, can write so creatively and is just so different to other children that I hate that in school he is just another student with below average grades - it drives me mad! In the past he's had teachers who saw how gifted he can be (in the right environment) but for the most part he's just that odd kid who doesn't seem to know what day it is. I would LOVE to help him reach his full potential, but am terrified all I'd do is make the whole situation worse.

As for two examples, hm um no...other than having to deal with dickish people that he doesn't like much... I suppose one thing is that we are Irish, and have lived abroad in other countries for many years, and in a way I'd hoped he'd learn a little about the culture here in the UK etc through school (I'm half English and had a childhood not far from here) although I think if anything it's turned him off.

As for what he wants...he doesn't really know. He would worry that being taken out of school would make him too different - but also he does like the idea of not having to go any more. I guess I need at this point to equip myself with what I'd need to do, what resources I'd need etc. so I know what needs doing my side before I make a decision. Can you recommend a good way of doing this, I've googled it but there's so much info I don't know where to start. A simple starter would be good. Thanks ladies.

[ommmward]

Do not spend money on educational resources. Your son is going to need some time to recover from school shaped learning (a month per year in school is the rule of thumb). During that time, he may be completely resistant to anything that looks educational. So the best thing you can do is thinking about getting a season ticket or two to local fun places to go, where you can mosey round together chatting about life, the universe and everything, as often as you like (castle? Aviation museum? Zoo? Art gallery? What's he into? Concert series?)
Second thing: Get yourself hooked up with local home educators. Round us, he'd find he was the oldest at most of the big meets (our local one goes up to around 12), because the teens tend to want to go off on trips without the little ones, like bowling or swimming or cinema or whatever (with parents lurking in the background where needed). Try out the groups, though, because some admiring 10 year old acquaintances might be exactly what he needs. And look out for informal trips and classes for home educators. There is a lot of that organized in our home ed community, though he might want to wait a year or two before joining in the"preparing for GCSEs co-op" things that are going on.

And try out several home ed groups if you can. It took us a while to find the perfect fit for us, between the evangelical Christian home edders and the off grid hippies and the radical unschoolers and the unmet special needs and long term ill, and the defies categorization but children just aren't school shaped, and the immigrants whose children were struggling too much with the English and they home ed while the English gets established... And that's not even mentioning the Gifted and Talented ones, who I did not even realise existed until a friend told me she had come across their subculture recently (they do a LOT of organized classes...)

[Chiara72]

Thanks, shall have to have a look locally and see what there is. And of course need to consider how I'd deal with language lessons etc...wouldn't it be lovely if school was optional and you could come and go as you pleased; attend the classes you like, not attend the ones you don't, and just use it as a resource? Instead you get percentage updates in the post about how many days your kid has missed! Ah well we can dream.

Shall get onto some people locally, see what would be realistic and talk to his school about what's on my mind. I shall also talk to him today and see what he has to say.

[ommmward]

Don't expect the school to be in any way supportive or encouraging. Turkeys voting for Christmas, innit?

[bicyclebell]

I love that idea of school being optional and dipping in and out as you please ... its a really good one.