What to do?

(92 Posts)
awaywiththepixies Thu 19-Sep-13 19:06:35

I have been home edding my 12 year old DS for two years. It is a constant battle to get him to do anything. He will not do anything himself and thinks everything I arrange is crap or a waste of his time. All he wants to do is play World of Warcraft.

I am fearful that he is ill prepared for a life of doing anything but playing Wow.

I was told that give him enough time and he would become interested in stuff but that's just not happened.

I think he was in school too long and anything that smells like learning is seen by him as a punishment.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

SatinSandals Fri 04-Oct-13 22:48:49

It is all to do with some things not being an option. Expensive trainers were not an option and, as far as I am concerned, playing computer games for more than 2 hours a day was not an option.Some things are non negotiable, e.g. teeth will be cleaned. I will try all sorts of positive ways to do it, but they will be cleaned. Once you have established it as a fact it makes life so much easier.
It is all down to personality, I know so many people who had an easy going, complient first child and they patted themselves on the back thinking it all due to their parenting methods and then they got a second child who tested all boundaries and wasn't remotely interested in pleasing people.
Some children, like my DC1, will immediately see that if you haven't got much money you are not going to buy expensive trainers it but others, like my DC2 will argue that if you haven't got much money you shouldn't have bought, x,y and z and then you would have enough!
The problem also comes if they don't have any money! Our problem was solved when DC2 finally realised that I wasn't moveable, which happily came at a time that he had more money.

IWipeArses Fri 04-Oct-13 19:08:13

I don't think what you as a parent spend on their clothing is an autonomous issue, you're not stopping them spending their own money, you're asking for their input into how you spend your money.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 19:52:56

No I didn't find a need to argue (either way) usually either. We'd just try and live consensually and with mutual respect.

We got there in the end! The road was a bit rocky at times!

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 19:51:19

They knew the constraints of our very tight budget as we discussed that with them too.

It is however a major problem if they don't accept it. DS2 got it after about 2 years!
My youngest brother was always very difficult, he never got anything he didn't want to get!
If my mother had just had the rest of us she could have patted herself on the back with her parenting skills! We were very open to reason. It is all down to personality.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 19:37:05

You clearly don't have a son like my DS2! The others were not bothered.

I can't say that I parent in a 'me big you small way', it isn't my style at all. I am generally on the autonomous lines, after much discussion, but if they are not prepared to be reasonable as in computer games or trainers then I will make it clear that it is not acceptable or affordable.

It is all to do with personality. Some are much easier than others. It always amazed me that a boy that I know who was HEed in a very rural area always knew exactly what was 'in' and wanted it, despite his siblings not being remotely bothered and him not having anyone to keep up with! He is now 23 and not changed!

julienoshoes Thu 03-Oct-13 19:25:34

No I didn't find a need to argue (either way) usually either. We'd just try and live consensually and with mutual respect.

Trainers weren't an issue once they were home educated, there was no longer a need to keep up with anyone. Trainers were just whatever fitted to wear for footie/rugby at HE camps and gatherings.
They knew the constraints of our very tight budget as we discussed that with them too.

I'm not saying they were angels at all times-and neither am I. But I have parented more conventionally in a more 'me big you small' way previously, and autonomous living is in our experience a much less stressful, so much happier and more productive way of doing it.

So much so that the other children parent in that way too now.

and yes win win, because we didn't limit screen time either.
We'd talk, they choose.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 19:13:40

Sometimes you need to have the arguments to get to an understanding. Trainers were a big issue with us, causing endless arguments. Once they understood that I was unmoveable on price it was all quite amicable, I put in my top amount and they topped it up with their own money or they chose something in the price range. It took a quite a long time to get that far.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 19:05:51

That is fine then-I stand corrected. I don't mind if it is a level playing field. Either you let them choose or you don't.
It is quite encouraging because I was desperate to start school at 5 yrs so I am glad that autonomous stretches that far and you don't have to wait years to be listened to.
I am all for consistency.
I agree that it is easier to live autonomously as they get older and they know that playing computer games all day is not an option. (I expect it is easier if it is an option and you are happy with it).Probably win, win either way.

julienoshoes Thu 03-Oct-13 18:57:35

"I am also terrifically cynical"
Clearly.

If my child had been desperate to go to school, then that's where he would have been.
That's autonomous to my mind.
I'd talk to them about it. But it would be their choice. Same as everything else.

And no, it was a whole lot easier to live autonomously as the children got older.

At least that was our experience, rather than just something I think.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 18:29:19

I am also terrifically cynical and think it is only 'autonomous' if it fits with mother. My argument is the age card. I am almost 40 years older than my child. I have more experience, I know why he shouldn't get addicted to computer games and so I have no intention of letting him. If the 5yr old is desperate to go to school and the parent wants to HE they will play the same age card in that the child can't possibly know what is best for them.
We are older, our children are not equal. We do what we think best for them. Age rating isn't that simple, IWA, it is a very grey area.

SatinSandals Thu 03-Oct-13 18:19:11

You really think that if I keep reading I will agree? hmm
I read lots and no one is ever 'right'. There is no magic way to parent or educate. One child's dream parent/educator is another child's nightmare one! Life would be so simple if everyone did x,y and z and their child was happy with it and turned out a mature, emotionally stable adult. Life is not like that.
I have read lots and I simply don't agree with it. Reading more isn't likely to convince me!
Your DCs are very young ringaringarosy - you will have to see how it works out and whether you can keep it up when the going gets tough.

IWipeArses Thu 03-Oct-13 17:35:46

Age rating on a game or film is a different issue.

ringaringarosy Thu 03-Oct-13 16:44:18

You quite clearly dont,i suggest you read some more about it!

SatinSandals Wed 02-Oct-13 19:32:06

when not went.

SatinSandals Wed 02-Oct-13 19:31:04

At some time you just have to put your foot down and say 'no'-however much they throw a tantrum.
I think it is much easier to have these theories went you have younger children and not so easy when they get to the ages we are talking about.

What would you do when this 12 year old wants a 15yr old rated game or a 18yr old rated game? I can tell you that they always want to play the game, watch the film that is unsuitable and it is made more difficult by the fact they may well have friends who are allowed to do it.

FavoriteThings Wed 02-Oct-13 19:18:23

ringaringarosy. How far would you take that though.All the way to a guy[and it is usually a guy] who has become so obsessed that toilet breaks are almost a no no? Is he still "learning". And that is ok I presume? And if at some point you fancied stopping him, how exactly? Once an addict, always an addict.

SatinSandals Wed 02-Oct-13 13:15:38

I understand it perfectly, I have already said that I have read about it. However, we all draw different conclusions from the same information and this is how it should be, we should question everything and so should our children. Although I understand it, I don't agree with it.
You will find that many HEers don't do it an autonomous way. I think that there are as many ways of approaching it as HEers, and you are unlikely to find two the same.
From the sound of OP, she is not autonomously educating her DS and she is finding it a problem.She has asked for help. Going down the autonomous route and hoping for the best is one way. There are others. It is up to her to decide what to try. There is not a 'way' to do it. There is not a way that is best. All you can say is that there is a way that is best for some parents and a way that is best for some children and hope they match up.

chocoluvva Wed 02-Oct-13 12:57:26

There's a significance between watching tv, reading or eg, investigating the fauna of your garden though. WoW is stressful with no physical outlet for that stress. Not good for OP's DS.

ringaringarosy Wed 02-Oct-13 12:04:43

Anyway the op seems to have done one!

ringaringarosy Wed 02-Oct-13 12:04:22

Unschooling is basically seeing everything as an opportunity to learn,so that means you see watching tv or playing a game as valid as reading or painting,do you understand that?

chocoluvva Wed 02-Oct-13 07:52:39

"it really isn't a problem unless you make it one".

I assume the OP is not happy with the situation - that's why she's posting.

Also, the point about it not being so bad if he was obsessed with something more useful is valid IMO. Although we all benefit from the scientific breakthroughs and great works of art made by people who are obsessed with their specialism I can't see how the OP's DS or anyone could benefit from an obsession with a game.

SatinSandals Tue 01-Oct-13 22:28:51

And how do we know it isn't a problem. How many DCs have been addicted to games from the age of 10-12 years, with no sign of stopping and no other interests? Even other people's examples on here have done a few other things or been persuaded out on family or group outings. They haven't called them 'crap' or 'waste of time'. OP is rightly worried and I think that she got some useful advice.

SatinSandals Tue 01-Oct-13 22:24:29

No one is worrying about his job, that was merely a suggestion to get him to think a little harder. A career in computer games needs a lot more than an interest in playing them! Getting a job in it is highly competitive.

SatinSandals Tue 01-Oct-13 22:21:33

I happen to know a great deal about unschooling.
I am not going to comment any further, except to say that as a responsible adult there is no way that any child of 12 years of age would get more than 2hours a day on a computer game in my house. I would use the carrot rather than the stick,but as a last resort we would all have at least a week without a computer. It won't do him any harm to be bored and forced to use his imagination. It will do him harm to be addicted.

ringaringarosy Tue 01-Oct-13 21:53:26

But it really isnt a problem unless you make it one.I suggest you read up on unschooling before commenting on it.

I think its sad people are worrying about what job hes going to do hes only 12 for gods sake!

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