DS just left for University

[laliponio]

I am aware there may be many parents out there who will consider me over anxious , over protective and molly-coddling. But I just want to know how others feel. We took my son to Unversity and left him on Sunday. The other side of the UK. I texted him when we got back ...and I have heard nothing from him...zip...nada. Which is very unusual as he always replies straight away to texts. Now I know the fact that my heart is breaking and I feel sick having left him is irrelevant and I just need to suck it up cos it is all about him spreading his wings ..... but I just miss him. I suppose what I am trying to gauge is ..is it normal that he hasn't texted back? ...should i let him just get on with it and hope to see him at Christmas? Or should I play to my innermost fears ...of him slumped in an alcohol induced coma somewhere. Obv I realise I am being completely irrational ... just want to see if there are others out there who are finding the cold turkey style lack of contact painful?

[Pantone363]

How long since you text?

[Pantone363]

He probably doesn't want to feel like he's contacting you too early. Give it until tonight and then send a lighthearted text

[mrsrhodgilbert]

It is just possible your text didn't get through, it does happen. If he usually replies quickly and isn't the type to disappear off the radar I would try again today, just keep it light.

[laliponio]

I texted him when we got home on Sunday....

[Bagpuss555]

Have you tried What's App is great way to keep in touch, can do voice recording, text the usual way, send photos but also you can see if he has seen your message if it has the 2 blue ticks on the side. That way even if he don't reply but he has seen your text. You know he's atleast read your message. It is worrying not knowing if he's alright or not. Maybe it's a boy thing he wants to show he can cope without mum.

[Kez100]

Is it normal? Depends entirely on the student - some do, some don't. I think life was easier before all of this instant connection. I would try and stalk him on Facebook, Twitter or whatever and if he is posting then leave him be - happy he is obviously busy and happy - they soon shout when they aren't!

If he isn't posting then maybe text just to say something that will get a response and doesn't need words of many syllables. - like "has your student loan appeared yet?"

I completely understand you and it gets easier with time. I had a complete breakdown once last year. DD went back on train and arrived in dark. Ordered a taxi and then rang me to ask how she would know what taxi it was - she had gone to the place they said to wait and it was full of taxis!! I said they should know her name and destination from the booking ...she suddenly said "oh, its here" and hung up.

I texted to check she had got back to halls and heard nothing back! Not for an hour and a half - I was spamming her all ways!! In the end I made facebook friends with two halls mates (ooohhhhh........big Mumsnet no no). One replied to say she was there, safe and sound and in the kitchen catching up having left her phone in her room on charge. More to the point - this was very much "out of character" as she lives with her phone by her side.

We have to learn to let go....but it ain't always so easy.

[cassieap57]

I left my son for the first time on Sunday night too .. though only the other side of the County. He texted me to complain he'd left something behind but thats about it. I realised a while ago that he will only text me back if I ask a question so thats what Ive learnt to do.

Im going with the theory of no news is good news. Although in fact his Uni HAS been on the News because builders found an unexploded bomb during excavation works yesterday and had to evacuate some Halls (not his block) ;)

Talking to other friends whose kids went last year (mine had a gap year) it is entirely normal for them to go offline for a little while. Its not that they dont care, its just that everything is new and strange and exciting AND , even if the kids would rather die than admit it to you or their flatmates/pals etc, quite daunting at the start.

Do you have plans to visit him at all? We decided that we would go once a month or so, and did this with his agreement beforehand. Taking them out for the day and for lunch/dinner etc boosts their ego no end and stealthily lets you see how they are getting on.

As Kez100 says it isnt easy to let go. Its not just the kids that are going through a learning process, we parents have got to start all over and learn to live our lives for ourselves again

[eatyourveg]

Could he have forgotten/mislaid his phone charger and have a dead phone? ds1 is an expert at it. Can you email instead?

[laliponio]

Thanks for all replies. I am feeling more rational just reading them :) I think DS threw me when we were with him at his halls on Sunday ,he told me he had to be independent and whilst he has no complaints he can't be my bear cub anymore and has to do it on his own...he then proceeded to give me his front door key ...which just about finished me off. It felt like a flatmate was moving out and I was never going to see him again. My DH and other son say he was just winding me up!! I felt filleted like a fish!

[TheFairyCaravan]

I left mine on Sunday too. He's being really good with the texts so far. I'd text again in your shoes, just ask him how things are going etc. he might not have got the first one.

It's hard isn't it?

[CakeUpWall]

I hardly heard from mine all last year. sod He's still home at the moment, so I'm making the most of it as I know the lines of communication will dry up again after next week.

[cassieap57]

When we left our boy, I could see on his face that he was struggling NOT to cry himself which did for me. He stands 6'5 but all I could see was him when he was 9 years old and going off to camp with the school. That look of panic mixed with wanting to be seen as all grown up and independent.

Funnily enough he just texted me to ask what the recipe is again for spagbol cos he cant find the cookbook I gave him. So thats MY main fear allayed, as he can be a tricky eater sometimes. They do get in touch if they need something

Its going to be a bumpy ride for us all over the next few weeks I think

[Topseyt]

It is very hard. I remember it well when my DD1 left a couple of years ago now. When we dropped her at uni she really wanted to meet her new flatmates on her own without involvement from us. We had to respect that, but it was very hard not to feel as though we were being cut out of her life.

She didn't give me her door key back, but was less than communicative for a little while before it all resumed again.

That went on for much of the first year. In the second year she communicated with home much more. She is just about to go for a year abroad in Paris. God knows what will happen then, but we shall see.

It gets easier, but it is never easy if that makes any sense.

[laliponio]

Wow ... all your messages have reassured me ... I had sub-conciously realised that I wouldn't hear from him at least through freshers week ...but I reckon I have just panicked ......it was the key thing that threw me. My son is 6'5" too and when I was saying goodbye, all the way back in the car, through my tears, all I could see was...his first birthday..his first steps ...his first days at school etc etc . Next year number two son is due to go .... and then that is it...my job over and done ... will have to take up knitting I guess

[Woopsiemeee]

Mine has just phoned to ask if he has his steak, medium-rare or well done!! Black peppers sauce or gravy!! Hes at a pub with a his hall mates. He obviously has alot to learn or he's had his life too easy at home. I realise that now.

[TheFairyCaravan]

I'm sat here crocheting!

DS1 chose to join the army after A levels and has been gone about 16 months now. He's terrible at keeping in touch, but does come home to get his washing done most weekends. Our house is so quiet and so big at the moment.

I don't want DS2 to phone, texts are fine for now, I'll cry again if I speak to him!

[laliponio]

The thing that I don't really get ... is the hold they have on your heart ...... maybe from the very first day....but it certainly feels very odd, even peculiar to let them go ...although of course I am desperately happy and excited for him :) it hurts like heck to let them go

[TheFairyCaravan]

It hurts so much. I'm so proud of both my boys that they are doing what they worked so hard to do, but it doesn't make this bit any easier.

[ChipsandGuac]

Op, yes! It really does. But that's our job. My eldest went in August and I still haven't spoken to him on the phone or Facetimed. Whenever I try, he's busy. I have however had lots of long text conversations/photos sent.

I was originally very upset and felt awful in the run up to the big day but I feel much better about it now. It helped to realize that my pain was about me, not him, and the worst thing I could do was turn to him for reassurance. Him leaving as an intelligent and independent young man was the whole point of the last 18 years. If anything, we should be celebrating having done a good job.

I hope you feel better soon x

[Waxlyrically]

I left my DD this weekend too and although I realised it would be emotional I hadn't realised how bad I would feel seemingly just leaving her behind!! She is quite good at answering her phone/ texting back so far but I am trying not to overdo it and to keep it lighthearted and practical. She has said she doesn't plan coming home for a while as she needs to settle, (rather than doesn't want to come home), and has also cut the two chats we have had short with "have to go flat mates are waiting for me " type stuff.

It sounds as if your son may be trying to do the same settling in thing by not replying until he feels he's ready. it's so hard though - I still can't go in her room without a tear or two! I just keep reminding myself how miserable she would be moping around at home with nothing to do and thinking how exciting it will be when she does come home or I am allowed to visit!

As someone else has said its going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride for us all these next few weeks.

[laliponio]

Here's hoping they all settle in well ... play hard, work hard and above all are safe!! Thanks for all your messages ...has kept me going this first day back at work when all I want to do is be less than polite to my co-workers and emphasise my total dis-interest in anything work related as I have other things on my mind. Of course I don't as I am the soul of good manners ;)

[Leeds2]

I hope you hear from him soon.

If your DH and other son are right that he is just winding you up, would he possibly respond to a text from one of them? Something innocuous, like "Where did you leave x DVD?" that doesn't require a response about how he is settling in, but might reassure you a bit?

[Lilymaid]

There has been a lot of discussion on this topic over many years on the Empty Nest thread. I was one of the earliest on that thread. back in 2006 and now have younger child back at home (temporarily, I hope) after 5 years at university!

[Millipedewithherfeetup]

Skype is your friend ! Have skyped dd a couple of times, she has been in the midst of getting ready to go out and doing her hair etc, feels quite normal to chat whilst you or they are doing something else the same as at home really, me cooking her at the table just chatting, so so much easier for them than stopping what they are doing to text/email.