MumsnetGuestPosts (MNHQ) Mon 04-Jan-16 12:30:46

Guest post: "In 2016, we're learning to live without my husband"

Rainbeaubelle hopes that the year ahead will be a time for healing and moving forward after losing her husband

Julia Bryson

Rainbeaubelle

Posted on: Mon 04-Jan-16 12:30:46

(22 comments )

Lead photo

"Little did I know last Christmas that the next one would be spent without Roger."

The first few weeks of a new year are usually the perfect time for looking ahead and making plans for the future. With the frantic festive season over, most of us have a bit of time to meditate on what the new year might bring and what we might want to achieve.

The start of 2016 looks very different to how I envisaged it would this time last year. Rewind to post-Christmas 2014 and I was feeling optimistic that my husband was getting over his illness, that we were getting back into a normal family routine and we would be able to plan things together for the first time in two years. I even wrote a blog post which I cringe at now, listing all the things I wanted to do in 2015: learn to crochet, see more live music, spend more time with friends - not more time in hospitals.

We were on the verge of booking a family holiday when my husband fell ill again a few weeks into the new year. Roger was admitted to intensive care in January and spent the following months in hospital while the doctors tried to work out what had gone wrong. A few months later, in March, he was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer. To our absolute shock and distress, he passed away four months later.

I guess you could say 2015 has not been the year we all wanted it to be. Little did I know last Christmas that the next one would be spent without Roger. That the next time New Year came along, I would be sitting here writing about how things have changed so drastically for our family.

I hope that our family can move forward as Roger would have wanted, always remember him and the love we had, and learn to live with the hand we have been dealt.


When something so major happens, it definitely changes how you think, and making resolutions and setting goals for the new year just seems, well, rather unrealistic. Life can throw any curveball your way and you just have to get on and deal with it - what else is there to do? It has meant that this year, I'm shying away from making any promises for 2016. I'd much rather try to hope that our family can move forward as Roger would have wanted, to always remember him and the love we had and to learn to live with the hand we have been dealt. To learn to live without him.

I hope that I can try to help our children, who are six and two, understand a little more about what has happened, and try to allow them to feel sad, angry and upset just as I so often do.

I've come to realise that they show their feelings in such different ways. My son, the eldest, gets angry and tearful over little things, but I have to try to remember it's more likely an expression of the bigger picture. Something which can be really tricky to bear in mind when it leads to a shouting match over getting ready for school at 7am!

My daughter, the little one, talks about her dad most days and so explaining to her where he has gone is a whole different ball game. Just the other day she sat looking at photos of him on my iPad, and said: "Oh I wish my daddy would come back". All I can say to her is yes, so do I. I wish he could come back too.

This year will be a year of adjustments for all of us. For healing, and for hope too, as we try to work out our new reality and life as a little family of three.

We might plan a holiday - wouldn't it be great to take the little one abroad for the first time? We definitely need to go on our first caravan weekend, as that was Roger's little project which we have yet to use. I'd like to spend more weekends away with friends and with our family, and try to book in the things which will inevitably keep me sane.

Our goals may be smaller and simpler than most this year, but if there's one thing that 2015 has taught us it's not to expect too much, just to make the most of the moments you have and remember that time is so very precious.

If that's something we can remember into 2016, then I reckon we are on the right lines.

By Julia Bryson

Twitter: @Rainbeaubelle

G1veMeStrength Mon 04-Jan-16 13:28:31

flowers I'm very sorry for your loss - good luck to you all, you sound very dignified and very strong and loving.

quirkychick Mon 04-Jan-16 14:23:19

So sorry for your loss. You sound like a lovely mum. We are supporting a friend through similar, so sad.

BerylStreep Mon 04-Jan-16 14:50:29

So sorry for your loss. My long term friend died suddenly on NYD and we are reeling with shock and heartache. It's so true, we all have no idea what is round the corner and we need to make the most of our time. thanks

HPsauciness Mon 04-Jan-16 15:01:03

I'm also very sorry to hear your husband died so unexpectedly, your little ones are gorgeous, but it must be very hard on you being the anchor for the family when you must feel like screaming yourself at times. Good luck with the year ahead.

Bluebell66 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:31:24

My heart goes out to you and your precious little children Julia. I too lost my husband suddenly in May 2013, leaving me and our two children. There is nothing I can say to make it any easier for you other than I know you will find the strength somehow to keep going, we have to for our children. Some days will be easier than others, and it sounds like you have good family and friends around to support you. Sending you strength, love and hugs xx

TwinderelmoBeth Mon 04-Jan-16 16:45:18

Beautiful writing as always xx

Rainbeau77 Mon 04-Jan-16 21:01:08

Thank you all so much for the lovely comments. It is really nice to hear that someone has read what I've written and taken something from it too. It means a lot.

beallrightdahlin Tue 05-Jan-16 00:41:05

My sincere condolences. All best wishes too.

One of my best friends has just gone through the same thing and I love your post, I am going to show it to her. I am sure there is value in seeing other loving mothers and wives working through such hard moments and suddenly discovering what really matters - and what simply matters no more.

Now, if you were not you, and you had just read a post like yours, I bet it would make you want to help in any way you can. It certainly made me feel that way.

So, just a thought in case it helps. I often help people who have gone through a bereavement by using a technique called tapping. It is my job, I'm an experienced practitioner. You may have heard of it (EFT, TFT). It is acupuncture based but involves no needles and has been proven to send calming signals to the brain, which reduces the stress response. While bereavement presents the added challenge of the person potentially feeling guilty about starting to feel better, even then I find it often helps a lot.

Believe me when I say I shan't be offended if you totally ignore my post. However I would consider it an honour if you would allow me to offer you a (free) session over Skype. It is often all that is needed for a noticeable shift in the intensity of the emotional response to be felt.

Either way, like I said, best of luck.

SnowCurl Tue 05-Jan-16 07:16:02

I am sorry to hear of you and your childrens loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. I have been very touched by your post. Love to you all x

PestoFestivio Tue 05-Jan-16 07:53:56

Much love to you all from e & the Pesto DD's. We lost DH to bowel cancer also, albeit over 2 years ago now. Life is different since he passed away, but I found that we just have to make the most of what we do have and it has made us more resourceful and grateful for life.

flowers

Rainbeau77 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:29:28

Oh thank you so much, what a lovely message. I am sorry your friend is going through the same thing and honestly if my blog helps at all then that is amazing. It is hard and there are just no answers. As for the tapping - oh yes I would love to do that! Thank you! x

Rainbeau77 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:30:43

Above message was for beallrightdahlin!

PestoFestivio - Thank you and I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing the same thing, or have experienced. I think I definitely am more grateful for life! Much love to you x

Rainbeau77 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:32:54

SnowCurl - thank you so much!

G1veMeStrength, Quirkychick, BerylStreep, HPSauciness, Bluebell66 - thank you too, such lovely comments. xxx

TwinderelmoBeth - Hello love and thank you! xxx

beallrightdahlin Tue 05-Jan-16 13:43:13

Rainbeau77, that is brilliant. I have emailed you per your email address on your blog to arrange the tapping session. Couldn't be more excited that you have gone for it and really hope it will help. xxx

myfirstandonlylove Tue 05-Jan-16 14:33:02

That is a very touching post. I too am very for for your loss. I have experienced bereavement. While it is fiendishly difficult and the club that noone wants to join there are lots of us in it. I hope that you will be able to draw on the support of people that have written here in the days months and years ahead. As a culture we in the UK are very bad at seeing how natural if unwelcome death is. Your post was intelligently, lovingly written but also radiates fortitude and your determination not to be defined by your loss. After all, life. goes on and you will probably never face a tougher year in your life than the one just gone. I wish you all the best.

Klaptout Wed 06-Jan-16 00:42:43

Your post was very eloquent. Thank you for writing it.
What a year you have had.
You got through it and I know you will get through the next year, minute by minute at times.
My DH died from cancer 7 years ago, it's not what we were expecting from life, being a young widow is never on the wish list.
I got a lot of support for me and our 3 children from Macmillan, also joining WAY ( widowed and young) was hugely helpful.

Heytham27 Wed 06-Jan-16 03:05:26

I'm very sorry to hear the loss of your husband, my heart is to you and your family.
But you are a very strong mother.
Put your trust in God you will succes in the feature.

Wish you all the best.

Justaboy Wed 06-Jan-16 20:55:41

Rainbeaubelle I know some of what your going through having lost my first wife many years ago it's - well what can be said that hasn't already been said?

However can I if its OK with you to recant this, but i too had a close shave with bowel cancer some years ago, not a very pleasant thing made it noticeable but it was detected in time and a disaster was averted.

Can i ask all reading this thread that if they are over say 50 and have any history of this illness in the family ask their GP for a stool screening kit sometimes these are sent out to some people and if you have one then please use it. I had been having some blood smeared on my poo and when mentioned this to the GP he said we're having you to see a specialist as of as the end of this week and they did a colonscopy where they examine the insides of the bowel for any signs of a cancer.

I say this as they found a Polyp that was pre cancerous and it can be snipped out and the cancer prevented by doing that. Its one of the very few cancers that if picked up early enough can be cured quite simply as these polyps are slow growing but once they have started the damage they carry on and then it can sometimes like in poor Rogers case, be too late.

So if your over say 50, any family history, and have taken a liking to char grilled meats for sometime not that this is an exhaustive list, then I urge you to seek help from your GP. Also just check from time to time to see if you have passed any blood or bits like coffee grounds if you have then the GP's right away

May I suggest some further reading here.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cancer-of-the-colon-rectum-or-bowel/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

thanks for reading and I hope Rainbeaubelle that if just one person knowing this prevents another case, then it will have been worthwhile.

Thank you very much.

ThreeBecomeFour Thu 07-Jan-16 12:35:43

I wanted to send my condolences to you all. I'm sure you're still trying to work out which way is up at the moment. A friend of mine died of breast cancer nearly 6 years ago and I know her family feel the pain enormously. She had young children when she passed away as well. The children have had a lot of counselling and support and are now doing a lot better but it takes a lotmofmtime and I doubt the pain ever dismishes for any of you. I hope you're able to find a new rhythm in your lives and slowly heal and find a way of living again. Xxx

missusjen Fri 08-Jan-16 21:47:09

It is beautifully written and your determination and strength have been amazing. You really have coped so incredibly well, although I know it won't feel like it at times. My best wishes for strength, and a good 2016 for you all, and to everyone else who has suffered a loss on this thread xx

Jenny (@thebrickcastle)

kimatf Sat 09-Jan-16 07:27:27

Thank you for sharing the loss of your husband with us. Recovering from a bereavement can be a long road to be walked (I have personal experience of familial suicide), and I strongly believe that writing about loss is one good way to help you on this journey to some kind of normality.

I have a small bereavement support magazine and with your permission would really like to be able to publish your above story there, or something else if you prefer. It would really help others in a similar position to know that they are not alone. If it's something you feel you would like to share, please get in touch. kim@aboutthefuneral.com, 02920 099 200 The magazine can be found here issuu.com/daybydaymagazine. It can be read online and downloaded for free.

Take care, Julia

With all possible best wishes

Kim x

Peggyhack01 Thu 31-Mar-16 12:33:40

It never was intentionally. I became a prostitute. It was alcohol driven. I was in a lovely and beautiful relationship with Dan. A friend of mine had a celebrated birthday party at the club. We all friends of the celebrant graced the occasion in grand style. Drinks flowed all through the hall in excess. I then was made intoxicated by a so called friend, jealous of my relationship. I was then made to have sex with a paid guy (unconsciously), after which the tape was sent to my boyfriend. I was dumbfounded when he showed me this video. Then he said to me IT IS OVER. I pleaded my life out but it fell to deaf ears. He really meant it. This led to my emotional traumatization... street life, alcohol, drug, and I ended up in bed with any guy that came my way... I think I was a slot. One faithful day, I ran into Dan at the mall, tried to say hello but he angrily rebuked me. I went home and could not get my mind off him, then I decided to do all it was going to take to get him back. Met a lot of councilors, relationship experts and advisers on the internet but to no avail. Luckily for me, at the verge of giving up, I ran into a testimony of a young man who got back his ex-girlfriend through the help of love spell. Reluctantly, I copied out the email of the spell person and contacted him via his email (kenedillitemples AT yahoo DOT com). Miraculously, at exactly 7 minutes after the conclusion of the final rites, I got a call from Dan, begging me to come back to him. I happily did... And guess what... HE PROPOSSED ALREADY. Luckily for you all out there in need of other forms of spell, after my conversation with the great Dr. Kene Dilli, I found out that he also casts spells for; WIN COURT CASE, GET CURED OF ANY KIND OF STD, GET JOB PROMOTION, GET BANK LOAN, TERMINATE DIVORCE PROCESS, GET EX- WIFE/ HUSBAND BACK, GET OUT OF JAIL, GET BUSINESS LINK, and so on.

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