The festive period brings a smorgasbord of issues for single parents, from worrying about the influence of their ex's new partner to deciding who gets to buy the kids’ their most-wanted present, and this year, one in three children under 15 will be waking up with only one of their parents this Christmas. My boys are two of them.
This will be my third Christmas as a single parent, and at times, it's bloody hard. In the very early days of our separation, I had visions of future Christmases with our 'blended' families – Santa hats, bottles of Baileys, children bundled together on the sofa watching The Polar Express. Somebody would be snoring. 'Walking in the Air' would be on the radio.
Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out that way. I now barely speak to my ex-husband, and so sorting out a 'rota' (which is a horrible word) for who has the children at Christmas is like pulling teeth, but with much more guilt.
Yesterday, I asked my 12-year-old son about the pros and cons of having separated parents at Christmas. After a short pause, he said that he missed waking up with the whole family. I know exactly what he means; he misses climbing into bed with both of us, with all the warmth and comfort that brings, ripping the crap out of his presents and our associated tutting as the discarded wrapping paper falls into our coffees.
I miss that too. In fact, I'm having a little cry as I write this. There's no getting away from it - I've taken that pleasure away from him by leaving his father, and it fills me with sadness and guilt.
“On the other hand”, he said brightly, “I get two lots of presents”. Well, every cloud…
From my point of view, Christmas is a totally different experience now, and one which I'm still trying to acclimatise to. It's a game of two halves; there's your time with your children, which is the easy bit, in a sense. You know what you're supposed to do - presents, relatives, food, love, telly, hot chocolates, long walks and crackers. Sometimes it's a bit exhausting - especially if you're on your own - but at least you know, vaguely, how it's all supposed to work.
Then suddenly, you're without them. What are you supposed to do? There's this yawning, expanse of time, with nobody sharing their excitement with you as only kids can. It's tempting to sit on your own and feel miserable, but – god knows – that has limited appeal. I'm learning to fill my time up with something positive, seeing friends or helping out with a local charity. A friend of mine spends her free time at Christmas at an old people's home, helping with the Christmas dinner.
Then, of course, there is money to consider. As a nuclear family, we were relatively well-off; now, I live on a tight budget. I make sure I live within my means; no credit cards, no loans, no buying on the never-never. Key to making this work at Christmas is that my children understand. They are aware that their friends will have 'things' that they won't have. And do you know what? They get it. As horribly cheesy as it sounds, they understand that Christmas is about family and love and peace and rest, and not about all that having-the-biggest-present stuff. This revelation, I believe, has come from all of us having to re-learn what ‘family’ means. Again, every cloud – and this one in particular is a miraculous silver lining.
Gingerbread, which provides support and advice for single parents, has a great (and free) 'Christmas Top Tips' fact sheet – they say it's important to create and maintain family traditions over Christmas that the children will remember as they get older, and that really struck a chord with me. My sons are 12 and 14 but, even now, we sprinkle reindeer food (oats and glitter) on the lawn every Christmas Eve. This year I will do it on my own, because the boys are at their Dad's. Why? Because it is Christmas. And a tiny part of me feels that Father Christmas won't deliver us any presents if I don't. Bonkers, isn't it?
However you're spending Christmas, with or without your children, I hope you have a very merry one.
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Guest post: 'Christmas is a totally different experience now we're divorced - and our kids have had to adapt'
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 22/12/2014 12:45
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DixieNormas ·
26/12/2014 19:35
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