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Guest post: Revenge porn - 'I felt completely helpless'

67 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 23/10/2014 12:05

For six months last year, when I was 20, my ex would publish explicit pictures of me online to his blog.

He'd upload them, I'd find them, I'd beg him to take them down. He would apologise profusely and take them down. Then the whole cycle would start again a few weeks later. People could like, comment and share the images. There were images of other girls posted up there too, all with derogatory slurs attached to them. I didn't know their names, so I couldn't warn them about what he was doing.

It completely consumed me. I would search every day for the images daily to make sure I could get them down. Every time I begged him to remove them, he would be so apologetic. There was always an excuse, and he'd always try to turn the conversation around - he'd ask me how I was, whether he could call me. I was convinced that if I was civil to him, then maybe it would stop.

I didn't tell anyone for six months, because I was ashamed. I didn't know who to tell, or where to turn. My confidence was completely shattered, and it all felt endless. I was trapped. Eventually, I went to the police. The officer told me there wasn't much they could do. They could 'have a word' with him and file a domestic incident report, and that was it.

I had to do something, just to get it to end, bring it to a head. I decided to tell everyone I could. Going public with my story wasn't an act of bravery - it was an act of desperation. I wanted help.

The response I got was phenomenal. Friends contacted me to say they were scared of where their images would end up. One friend told me that a similar thing had happened to her, only she'd been too ashamed to tell anyone. Another said that when she was 16, a man had used footage of her to blackmail her in to sexual activities. It was horrifying.

I started researching and came across the term ‘revenge porn’. There were entire sites dedicated to revenge porn, that profited from the pain and misery of young women. It sickened me to know that people were actually seeking out images taken or uploaded without the subject's consent, that they had such a lack of respect for women.

I became convinced that it should be a criminal offence in itself, so I asked my friends to sign a petition and contact their MPs. The petition got over a thousand signatures within 24 hours and more people came forward to tell me their stories. Many had been too ashamed to go to the police, and often, the ones who had tried had been sent away. Some of the stories were from girls as young as 14 - they were too ashamed to tell their families and had nowhere to turn. Some had considered suicide because they felt so trapped.

Parliament listened. MPs like Julian Huppert and Maria Miller fought hard for change and they showed victims that they had nothing to be ashamed of. On Monday night, the House of Lords unanimously agreed to criminalise revenge porn – which means it is only a couple of steps away from becoming a specific criminal offence. The police will receive new guidelines and victims will be taken seriously.

I'm thrilled with the amendment. I hope victims will begin to realise that they have nothing to be ashamed of and I hope no one else has to feel the horrible, endless loneliness that I did. I hope perpetrators will give up their sick hobby, scared of proper retribution.

But the amendment alone is not enough. Victims need support and help to get their images down from sites that are built to profit from their pain. We need to be teaching teenagers that consent is vital in all areas of sexual activity, and that explicit images are not a tool to be used to harass, humiliate and blackmail others. I want young people to grow up knowing how much power those images can wield - they need to understand that not only will uploading non-consensual, explicit images of somebody have devastating consequences on the victim, it will also lead to a criminal record.

In February 2015, the government announced that posting "revenge porn" on the internet would indeed become a criminal offence.
You can find out more about their #NoToRevengePorn campaign here, and access their resources here.

OP posts:
KeeperOfBees · 23/10/2014 13:41

Bloody hell, what an ordeal to suffer. You have been very brave coming forward and speaking for so many victims. Thanks

scallopsrgreat · 23/10/2014 13:50

I'm so sorry you had to go through that Hannah. I hope you are OK now Thanks.

Thanks for all your hard work in this area and I agree support structures are also required.

As is education and a change in attitudes from the men who do this and the boys who could potentially become these men. Laws against this will help change attitudes but more work is required around that, certainly. I mean what kind of men revel in the misery of women and do we want our sons to be those men?

Women are not objects. We are people, who matter, with feelings and rights not to be publicly harassed and vilified in this manner.

MissBlennerhasset · 23/10/2014 14:34

I can't imagine the courage it took to step forward. Thanks so much for sharing.

stickymousemat · 23/10/2014 14:48

I'm so sorry to read your story Hannah and congratulations on getting the law changed.

The phenomenon of some men and boys who think that women's bodies belong to them and that they can do whatever they like with them is just horrifying. Similar to the iCloud leak of people's private photos. What the hell is wrong with these people?

WiggleGinger · 23/10/2014 15:20

Wow!!!! I'm so sorry for your horrific ordeal bit I'm so happy for you for what you have done for other victims! You are an inspiration!!!

Xxxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 23/10/2014 15:44

A massive well done for your efforts to get this recognised in law. This is increasingly common along with other cyber offences which the law just hasn't caught up with. It's often not the case that the Police are unsympathetic or unwilling to help its just that their hands are tied by the fact the legislation doesn't exist to deal with the situation appropriately. Thanks to you this is one more offence that will hopefully soon be recognised as such. Xxx

GhoulsOfTheHauntingDamned · 23/10/2014 18:18

I'm so sorry you went through this, the men that do this are pathetic excuses for human beings! Well done on getting it recognised as a law, what a huge achievement! Flowers

I took quite a few nude photos when I was younger a very long time ago, although it was a long time before the internet and online photo sharing took off. I would hate to have had them shared for all to see. It must be such a horrific experience. I think women should be able to take whatever type of photos they wish without the fear of them being shared all over the internet.

bangalanguk · 23/10/2014 19:01

You were so brave to do this. I think I heard your interview on woman's hour on the radio. I hope he is ashamed of himself.

lisamsheerin · 23/10/2014 19:57

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scousadelic · 23/10/2014 20:25

This is a terrible ordeal for anyone to go through but, as an older woman, I really do not understand why we are not educating our young people better about the risks of images being shared and encouraging them to simply not take/allow these pictures in the first place. Back in the days when I was young and beautiful I would never have considered allowing anyone to take compromising photos of me and I don't think anyone I knew would either. I genuinely do not understand how this has become an acceptable thing when there is such an obvious risk attached to it. Making revenge porn illegal is rather like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted

OfficerVanHelsing · 23/10/2014 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howlycopter · 23/10/2014 20:39

There's more than a touch of victim blaming in your post scouse. You may not have allowed anyone to take pictures of you but shouldn't your censure be reserved for those who share private pictures?

I wouldn't agree that it's a new phenomenon either, it's a public equivalent of blackmailing with explicit love letters.

Congratulations Hannah, you should be very proud Flowers

grimbletart · 23/10/2014 21:20

As a feminist, when my now grown up daughters were young the one piece of advice I gave them to safeguard their lives was "always earn your own money - don't ever rely on a man to do it for you. Today's partner could be tomorrow's arsehole."

Now, were I the mother of young women today it would be "don't ever get involved in intimate pictures. Today's partner is tomorrow's arsehole".

And no, that is not victim blaming. The blame is 100% with the man doing revenge porn.

Good for you Hannah. So sorry you met a wrong 'un.

hmc · 23/10/2014 21:41

Well done Hannah for fighting your corner and refusing to be defeated by this

messyisthenewtidy · 23/10/2014 22:09

I don't think it's simply a matter of teaching our daughters not to get involved in these kind of pictures, it's a matter of teaching our sons not to see girls as sexual objects there for their gratification.

It a matter of stopping this insidious grooming of girls from an early age, through TV, toys, page 3 and porn slowly but surely sending them the message that their value is in the image they give to the world. It's no wonder girls agree to their boyfriends' demands for pictures.

That culture wasn't there when we were young scouse at least not to the extent it is now.

Kato77 · 24/10/2014 02:35

I totally agree with scousadelic.

The culture was not there when we were young and there is no reason for it to be there now. People have got to the stage where they can hardly look out of their own eyes without having a phone/ camera in front of it.

Why would any woman allow a man to take a picture of her in a position that she wouldn't want the world to see? Girls need to be less naïve. Boys need to realise that actually its probably more fun having a relationship with a girl without a camera than with.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 24/10/2014 04:45

I wouldn't choose to share pictures online/ by text. I wouldn't print pictures of my body and post them in the mail to others, and to me electronically is the same thing. It is more a case of it falling into the wrong hands than the trust issue for me though.

With regard to the victim blaming aspect, I think it is stupid to discount the idea of teaching young girls about the dangers of sending explicit photos, if not so she can make an informed choice. Especially if it is an under 18 year old taking naked selfies- they may not know it but it is effectively underage 'porn' they are making, which can be later circulated to God knows who.

Many kids don't know about the dangers of hacking as well- the Snapchat thing surprised many (not me, tbh. It was only a matter of time) as they may think nothing on the internet is forever.

All that aside, the idea of 'revenge porn' is disgusting and should be heavily sanctioned. It is mental abuse and any fucker caught doing it should have the book thrown at them.

stickymousemat · 24/10/2014 09:36

I think it's victim-blamey to say that girls are at fault for doing it, but it's not victim-blamey to talk to our daughters about the risk they're taking. Young kids/teens ARE naive (as adults can be sometimes) about the risks of oversharing in digital forms and it's part of a parent's job to help them negotiate that mine field and point out the risks.

No matter how much you love or fancy your partner and want to please them, or indeed please yourself, if you give someone a digital copy of a photo you're effectively ceding all control over it for EVER. It's just a horrible fact of life. Even if they're not putting it on the web for all to see they could be showing their mates or future partners, or just using it themselves, possibly for decades to come.

Some people may be completely relaxed about some aspects of that but it's not victim-blamey to tell our kids this.

Equally of course we need to talk to our boys about women becing actual human beings, and how they have a responsibility not to behave like jerks

pearpotter · 24/10/2014 11:27

Stupid and really fucking offensive to say that girls shouldn't allow themselves to be filmed etc. Couples do get off on filming themselves and watching it, sexting, and sending explicit photos of themselves- why shouldn't they?

Of course there is a risk of it ending up online which is why it needs criminalising!

PuffinsAreFicticious · 24/10/2014 11:40

The only person to blame is the person, usually a man, who thinks that it's appropriate to do this. Often the pictures/film are taken without the woman's consent. This isn't about women being a bit daft, it's about men feeling entitled to hurt women who have DARED to reject them. This isn't 'reader's wives' the internet is forever, these pictures could be accessed by the woman's employers, children, friends, work colleagues for ever.

NOW we know that we should be teaching our daughters to be circumspect about what images their are of them, but it's even more important to teach our sons not to be such entitled arseholes as the ones who do this kind of thing to women.

Well done Hannah, thank you for fighting for women's rights.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 24/10/2014 15:29

Scousadelic and Kato77 - 'when we were young...etc.' is an utterly ridiculous thing to say and makes you sound like those dreadful 'women of a certain age' that most of the younger generation generalise and avoid. What is normal has moved on a lot since you were young, as it should - a hundred years ago abortion was illegal, women couldn't vote and wearing a skirt above mid-calf was considered 'fast'. None of those things apply these days, and they highlight how we shouldn't judge the youth of today on yesterday's standards.

By all means educate our girls about the risks of exposure, but don't condemn them - save your wrath for the perpetrators of this hateful crime.

PumpkinGordino · 24/10/2014 18:07

the fact is that the technology makes it easier for the abusive party to make use of the images. in the past, taking pictures required more expensive equipment, you would have limited hard copies, which obviously could be damaging and hurtful but more restricted

now it's easy for those who want to abuse trust to do so - nearly everyone has a smart phone and images can wing their way to other people within moments and uploaded and circulated and go viral within hours

these abusive men will use the tools they have at their disposal. i suspect in the past it would have been something else. now they have this

HamishBamish · 24/10/2014 18:29

What an horrendous situation Hannah, you should be very proud of yourself for being so brave to share your story.

The ease with which images can be shared is scary and I think the posting of such material without the consent of the individual concerned should be criminalised. Young people may not think of the dangers, but they shouldn't have to.

If I had daughters I would be advising them to protect themselves as the law as it stands doesn't. I have 2 sons and when the time comes I will be discussing these things with them too.

ColdCottage · 24/10/2014 19:55

Well done

messyisthenewtidy · 25/10/2014 07:29

"Boys need to realise that actually its probably more fun having a relationship with a girl without a camera than with."

But it's not about that is it? It's about the misogyny that men/boys feel when rejected by a girl/woman. Anyone who has said no to a man has sensed that underlying hatred.

And when any man decides to hate you he has at his disposal a dozen negative stereotypes to bring you down: slut, whore, man eater, prick tease, bunny boiler, and now revenge porn.

Girls don't have that because to slut shame a boy is to compliment him, to increase his status not diminish it.

That's the problem. When we remove the shame around sex for girls we will remove the damage that boys can do to them.

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