"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
It’s an innocent nursery rhyme that most of us sang when we were little, but it reveals a lot about why emotional abuse isn't taken as seriously as physical abuse. Thankfully we’re on the cusp of a shift in attitude, and it’s time for society – and the law – to recognise that coercive and controlling behaviour can be just as damaging as violence.
There are already laws in place which cover non-physical forms of abuse such as stalking and harassment, but the government is currently consulting on creating legislation that explicitly refers to emotional abuse within relationships. It is essential that they do - emotional abuse within intimate relationships must become a serious crime, punishable by the state.
Too many women are suffering at the hands and mouths of the men who profess to love them – and I was one of them. I survived, but over a decade on, I still feel the aftershock from the psychological terror I endured.
It’s hard to imagine what it’s like have your spirit worn down on a daily basis, to feel that you’re emotionally beaten. I’ll try my best to explain:
To begin with, the man who will become your abuser is your beloved. He woos and adores you. He’s your knight in shining armour. Life feels like a fairytale and you fall in love.
Once you’re smitten, he starts to change. Not straight away – that would be too obvious - but step by step, day by day. It starts with the odd remark and occasional put downs and then turns into endless questions and interrogation.
A few months down the line, you've gone from being the most adored woman on the planet to a woman who cannot do anything right. Everything you do, everything you are is wrong. You start to think it’s all your fault - he tells you it is - so you try and change for him.
You change your behaviour and the way you dress. You stop seeing your family and friends. You make yourself seem smaller, less clever, less attractive and less worthy. You do everything you can think of to make him happy, but nothing seems to work. You’re always longing for a glimpse of the man you loved – and you're hopeful that he’ll appear again – so you keep trying and you keep changing.
Once you've started to lose yourself and your confidence has been eroded, the abuse and control escalates.
Your heart starts to beat faster whenever you’re with him. Not in the way it did when you first met, because of flirtation or romance, but out of utter terror. You know if you don’t do as he says, you will be punished and you will suffer - physically, financially, sexually or emotionally.
You begin to doubt yourself and your thoughts become jumbled. He tells you that you’re crazy and you start to believe him. Any confidence you had has now vanished and you become jittery and tearful. Life is about pleasing him and keeping him calm, because that’s what you need to do to survive.
You are not the woman you once were, and find yourself completely alone. That beautiful, intelligent, confident and independent person has been replaced with someone who is insecure, frightened and confused.
This is how easily it happens. This is why women don’t ‘just leave’, and society’s perception of what this is has to change.
Earlier this year, a report from the Inspectorate of Constabulary found that the police response to domestic abuse is "alarming and ineffective". Including emotional abuse in legislation is essential to improving this situation. It will raise awareness amongst the police force and the public and challenge perceptions – no longer will anybody be able to say ‘she should have got out’, because the months and years of creeping, subtle, non-violent abuse will be recognised and punished. Domestic violence is rarely as simple as one punch, or one slap – and one objective decision to stay or leave following the incident. Coercion and control are at its centre, and understanding this is essential to tackling all forms of abuse.
Of course it will be difficult. Emotional abuse can be subtle and hard to pinpoint. There will be much wrangling over definitions, and test cases, and horror stories in the papers of ‘innocent’ men being charged. But isn't it worth it? We have the chance to legitimise the experiences of hundreds of thousands of women.
As a woman who was once emotionally broken and now continues to pick up the pieces, I'm waiting on the government to make the right decision.
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Guest post: 'Why the government must make emotional abuse a crime'
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 10/09/2014 15:38
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chiriac ·
11/09/2014 20:10
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