I could feel the raised eyebrows over the phone as I told my parents I was giving up my dream job to become a doula. Kudos to my Mum and Dad for biting back “but, but you have a Masters degree in War Studies” and instead settling for something more akin to, “that's interesting darling”.
Friends and colleagues had been waiting for my doula phase to pass for quite a while. After all, I was ambitious and - while it was understandable that the birth of my first child might distract me for a bit - I'd soon realise that there was more to life that babies, wouldn't I?
Happily they didn't hold their breaths. Whilst I've never been that interested in babies (apart from my own) I feel increasingly vocational about supporting women and their families as they make an enormous transition in their lives. I feel certain that I've learnt more in four years as a doula than in the four years of tertiary education people thought I was throwing away when my career took a new course.
Here's what I know now.
1. Good support makes for a positive pregnancy and birth
I could talk about the evidence - like this Cochrane Review of continuous support in labour - or about my own experience of being supported by my husband, midwife and doula, or what women have said in surveys and to my face, but let's take it back to basics.
Most women in the UK only give birth a couple of times in their lives. It's important, big, scary, exciting, special, overwhelming, unknown and unknowable. Choose your own adjective. Feeling alone, unsure, afraid, and as if no-one has the time or inclination to listen is not good. Having a wing-man or wing-woman (or even both) can only be a good thing.
2. My experience is not your experience
I have had two great(ish) births. I had my children at home. I have used the NHS and an independent midwife. I didn't need any intervention. I struggled with breastfeeding but eventually managed to feed my daughter for a long time and plan to do so with my son. The way I birthed and fed my babies affected how I felt about myself and shaped me as a mother.
None of this should mean anything to you. Only you will be able to work out what is right for you. Other people's experiences can be interesting and some will even prompt you to investigate other options, but just because I did X, Y and Z and it made for a happy(ish) time, doesn't mean I know the secret formula to mothering ‘success’, and anyone who claims they do is, quite frankly, talking bollocks.
3. Everyone in the birth room brings their own baggage
While preparing to be a doula, it's really important to leave our own experiences outside the door. When we are with our clients, we focus on the here and now. It is still very, very hard to do. Midwives, obstetricians, pregnant women, sisters, mothers, friends, fathers, health visitors - everyone brings their experiences and their thoughts to a birth. Sometimes my job takes a lot of being sensitive to that. I need to be a combination of stage manager, diplomat, psychic, idiot-savant and friend, in order to be respectful to everyone's journeys and the vitally important roles they all play, whilst making sure a labouring woman feels at the centre of the universe, protected from the baggage that others bring.
4. We all judge. We shouldn't
We can't help it. Modern parenting is set up as a series of choices that, once made, pigeon-hole you in one camp or another. Attachment parenting, cry it out, breast or bottle, elective caesarean, free birth. Navigating the world of new motherhood can feel like one long AIBU thread.
Of course, it's all rubbish. No single choice makes someone a good, bad or indifferent person or parent, and none of us can possibly understand the complex set of circumstances or experiences that lead someone to a particular decision. My work as a doula has made me much more tolerant as I hear the backstories and witness the difficulties and triumphs of walking along the balance beam of parenting.
5. I'm not a natural birth or breastfeeding advocate
I started off that way, but I now think being an advocate of any one way of doing things misses the point and doesn't give women what they need: information, someone who really listens, a shoulder to cry on or a hand to high five.
6. Human rights are just as valid in childbirth
You are just the same autonomous, adult woman with a brain that you were the day before the lines appeared on your pregnancy test. Run screaming from anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.
7. Human beings are amazing
We are resilient, biologically fascinating and psychologically more complex than I ever previously thought. We are usually essentially kind, but circumstance can easily push us off course. We often don't realise our impact (for the good or the bad) on others.
I could go on, but I won't. If there's one other thing I've learnt, it's that pregnant women like to be heard more than they want to listen to streams of advice from others. And you may find pregnancy, birth and new motherhood easier if you get some good support - find someone who listens more than they talk. If you can't find that person around you already, visit Doula UK.
And my parents? I think I've won them over, but if not then at least my apprenticeship over the past years has taught me that my journey is about me and no-one else.
If you've an infant in the offing, and could use some more insider info, come to Bumpfest, Mumsnet's one-day event dedicated to all things birth and baby-related. No fuss or fluff - just the expert advice you need. And a lovely lunch, treats and try-outs - plus a goody bag packed with lovely stuff for you and your newborn.
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Guest post: The Hackney Doula - 'What I've learnt about birth'
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 15/08/2014 11:55
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