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Guest post: Women and self-esteem - do you ever feel you're enough?

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 04/08/2014 12:33

I walked into meeting rooms and dreaded what people must be thinking of me - why is she here? What is she wearing? Why is she in this job? I'd break into a cold sweat whenever I spoke up in front of others. I'd stay up all night worrying about things that could go wrong with particular projects, and then, on the rare occasions that they did, spend days racked with guilt. I was easily rattled by others’ comments.

Sound familiar? This is how I lived my life during my early adult years: with chronic and deep-seated self-doubt. On reflection, I think everything I did during that period - excelling at school, going to a top university, working non-stop in corporate land and marrying an older man - were all driven by the feeling that just as myself, I was not enough. I needed to prove I was smart and successful.

It is funny how low self-esteem can hold you back in so many ways, but can also make you an over-achiever. The more I did, the better I thought I was - but it was like filling a leaky bucket. I was profoundly unsure of myself, as if I was living on a cracking ice - never steady, never secure.

I used to worry about everything and nothing: is the plane I'm on going to crash? Have I eaten something that is going to make me sick? Did I lock the front door? It was like I was deliberately starving myself of happiness and pleasure. I didn't feel that happiness was my birth right, so I would choose the very opposite: friends who made me feel small, food that was so low in calories it tasted of nothing, and a gruelling work schedule that left no time for fun. And the weirdest thing was that everyone thought I was happy. I kept calm and carried on with a big fake smile, and they believed that my draconian lifestyle was bringing me joy. It is probably why nobody interfered, never asked me directly whether I was okay.

At the time, I thought I was the only one to feel this way. But since writing The Ugly Little Girl trilogy, women have approached me from all walks of life and told me about the crippling effect their lack of confidence has had on their lives. And it is women. We already know about the 'confidence gap' – the idea that women are more likely to put their achievements down to ‘just luck’ - and that's how I felt. Even Sheryl Sandberg has said: “There are still days I wake up feeling like a fraud, not sure I should be where I am.”

In many organisations, boards are still dominated by men, with senior posts more rarely attainable for women. It seems that at work at least, gender stereotypes prevail - if you are already a nervous, self-doubter, then your job can fuel your insecurities. A fellow self-doubter once said to me: “if women and men are each given ten tasks, men do 6 and are satisfied with their output. Women will complete 8 and feel they have underachieved,” and that certainly rang true for me. So how can we become equal in the quest for self-belief?

One of the biggest challenges for me was to stop being defined by what society expected of me - whether I was married or not, a mum or not, a high-flyer or not, a wealthy single woman or not. I had to realise that none of these external labels were going to make me happy. And I had to realise that I needed to talk to someone about my anxiety – that accepting help didn't make me weak.

The trigger that made me get this help was the worst actually happening. My Dad died. I had been scared of losing him and when it came, it took me to rock bottom. I had never wanted to reveal to him any of my negative feelings, and that façade had just about kept me together. Without him I was face to face with me; doing a job I barely enjoyed, with men that treated me badly and spending very little time pleasing myself.

The dam had broken, and all sorts of changes happened. I fell out with my job, left my boyfriend and ran away to the other side of the world. These various disasters – the breakdown of my relationship and career – showed me for the first time the layers of brittle insecurities that had built up over the years. But the good news is that it didn't take long to unpick them. I escaped to Australia and I started the therapy that has changed my life. I would encourage anyone and everyone suffering from a lack of confidence to seek counselling. Now, I write for a living, which has been a massive test of self-esteem - I am no longer defined by a title, a position or a salary. But I have never been more content.

If this rings true with anyone out there I would wholeheartedly urge you to do something about it. It might be psychotherapy, a support group or simply writing a diary - getting those niggling anxieties running round your head out on paper. The easy road is to do nothing, but believe me; ultimately it is a much more arduous way to live your life. A bit of short-term pain will lead to much long term gain – maybe even that women’s mag holy grail of ‘well-being’. It’s a cliché, but I really do feel at peace with my life now. Of course I still have days when I question myself, challenge what I am doing and worry I am a bad step-mum, cat-owner or wife. But my life is slowly becoming aligned with who I am. I have become enough.

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Timpani · 04/08/2014 12:58

Wow. What an inspiring read. This could actually be me. I'm crippled by self-doubt, have accessed counselling for self-esteem before now (temporarily it worked to a certain extent).

I also want to write but don't because of the self-doubt and lack of time and the thought that I'll never be good enough.