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Guest post: Returning to the dating game - 'Now, things seem far more weighted against women'

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 22/07/2014 12:06

"But obviously, my only interest in someone so much older than me would be for casual sex", the 28-year-old Danish model blurts out, when I have the temerity to rebuff his advances on our first date. "You're not my type anyway; I like tall, thin girls," he adds.

It should be noted here that I'm 35 and a size 8, and surely, calling a woman old and fat is one of the worst ways to persuade her to drop her knickers?

“If you ask me, it's not right to lead men on the way you do,” he continues, picking up his jacket and getting to his feet. “You put your hand on my thigh: you were obviously up for some fun.” And then he storms off as if I, a stranger, owe him something.

Considering the episode later on, I feel more and more aggrieved. So I brushed his thigh with my hand; I flirted with him a bit - so what? Surely something has gone wrong with human communication if he could see a flirty stroke of his thigh as assent to sex.

But then, I've been out of the dating loop for a long time. This is due to, amongst other things, a long relationship with my great love (who became a monk, which is another story) and then a year of breast cancer treatment.

Returning to the fray, I assumed that dating now would be more or less the same as when I first started doing it in the early Noughties. I couldn't have been more wrong. Having just spent a month on dating phenomenon Tinder, I can report, dear reader, that dating in 2014 has become far more heavily weighted against the woman.

Tinder is a relatively new beast on the dating scene. It’s an app rather than a website, so you can access it anywhere and at any time. It knows where you are, and so only shows you men who are in close proximity (you can set the geographical limits). You can then scroll through photos of said men, and ‘swipe right’ if they appeal. You’re only alerted when someone ‘swipes’ you back, and only then can you start messaging. So, it’s all pretty low-stakes embarrassment-wise.

I joined Tinder - rather than one of the slightly fustier, older players in the internet dating game - because a couple of avowedly-single male friends had recently joined, met new girlfriends and raved about its possibilities. Everyone was talking about Tinder, and it seemed perfect for my purpose: some nice dinners, theatre trips and outings with some chaps - a bit of fun after the ghastliness of the last year.

And most of it has been just that. Becoming a part of this trendy new dating revolution has opened up a whole new world. I've met men who I would never encounter in my day-to-day life - bankers, doctors, barristers and artists who come from eclectic backgrounds. I've met Germans, Australians, Siberians and Danes. It is exciting dressing up to go and meet new people. And the massive advantage is that you’re in control. Nobody can contact you unless you have both 'swiped'.

But not all of it’s pretty. Boys (and a lot of them really are boys – the average age of Tinder users is 27 and around 70% of my dates have been in the 23 – 28 age bracket) will often try to arrange first dates at my home or theirs, and seem surprised when I respond: "That's not safe. I always meet strangers in a public place."

Once I have met up with them, it doesn't take long before they start angling for an invite to my flat. When I refuse, they seem surprised. These bright young things also appear to expect naughty photos before the first date. They send me charming pictures of their willies, and messages in the middle of the night such as "Sex?" and "Why don't you come round and we can fuck?" My personal favourite has been: "as long as I have a face you'll always have somewhere to sit".

These are all from men who I haven't met or even yet exchanged messages with. When the willies arrive, they are exceptionally large and often underneath implausibly ripped abs. I can only assume they come from some kind of Central Willy Database.

To avoid future misunderstandings, I've taken to telling the men in an early message that I'm not up for casual sex, or, as they call it “fun”, but all this has led to is the grammatical horror of: "thinking about you and you're (sic) famously hard to get into pants".

At 35, I am fairly battle-hardened by years of mental and physical illness. However I worry for the women who are doing this first time around; in their twenties and using Tinder (because all their friends do) as a much easier alternative to walking up to somebody in a bar or club and chatting them up, with all the potential embarrassment that comes with it.

What about the girls who do send nude photos to these unscrupulous chancers? What if they’re under the influence of drink, drugs, or just crippling insecurity? Even worse, what happens if they go to a strange man's house in the middle of the night and he turns out to be dangerous?

I, perhaps naively, assumed the men I encountered would know that "no means no". But my recent Tinder experiences have made me question my previous assumptions.

There have been some nice chaps, but 2 out of my 14 or so have behaved terribly. The ‘extra-pushiness’ of young men in their twenties - which goes beyond the enthusiasm and gratitude I'm sure they've always had - and their expectation that one will have sex with them immediately is, I'm sure, connected to all those things we usually cite when decrying how young people conduct their sex lives; from easy access to pornography to a pop culture obsessed with the sexual subjugation of women.

Something is rotten in the state of dating it seems, and I can't help but feel apps like Tinder have something to do with it. It’s all about the here and now – ‘who’s available within 5 miles of my current location?’ at any time of the day or night – and it’s based entirely on physical attractiveness.

The modern dating scene is so far removed from how I imagined it would be. Hopefully I am thick-skinned enough to handle it - that remains to be seen - but I fear for those women who are too young, inexperienced or sensitive for this frightening reality.

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BomChickaMeowMeow · 22/07/2014 13:44

I wouldn't worry too much about young women. People worried about us when we were their age- they will be fine, as we were.

Also maybe switch to another dating site. I have never used any dating service but even I know from acquaintances who do that Tinder is notorious for being all about shagging.