Back to work after 12 years. Dd2 crying her eyes out every night.

(63 Posts)
Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:15:13

I am starting in September. She will be 10 but she is soooo upset at me not taking her to school anymore, not picking her up. It kills me! Feel like throwing in the towel already!

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 22:22:26

I thought you'd say she is 3 not 10. I don't know your dd but to me it sounds like she is trying to blackmail you into staying at home. I'd try to get to the bottom of her tears but also make it very clear to her that this is not negotiable and you will go back to work. It's going to a change for all of you, not just her- maybe you could tell her about your own mixed feelings but emphasise that you really want to give it a go.

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:25:35

I know it seems crazy. She is very attached to me and she hates change. She says she is happy for me and during the day she is fine, but at bedtime she gets all worried.

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 22:30:01

Oh and forgot to say congratulations on your job! No mean feat at the moment (took me ages to get work after three years off) smile.
It does sound like she has quite a bit of anxiety about the change. I'd definitely take her fears seriously but also remain firm (don't let her know you thought about throwing in the towel).

Purpleprickles Mon 27-May-13 22:33:12

It sounds like she is just, like you say, fearful of the change. I remember being equally upset when my own DM got called for jury service when I was a similar age smile She had always been a stay at home mum so the idea of her not being there after school was very shock to me. I of course got over it, it was just a change, albeit for a short time, to my little world.

I'd just suggest lots of reassurance and preparation which I'm sure you are already doing. Good luck.

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:35:31

Thank you. I don 't know how I did it frankly! I do feel very torn, I have loved being a Sahm and would continue being one till they all leave home if I could then be sure to find work after, but I know that's not really possible. hmm Now it's half term and they are around it's so easy to doubt my decision, but when they are all at school I find the days very unfulfilling. The job has more hours than I would ideally like as well, but it was that or nothing...

EuroShaggleton Mon 27-May-13 22:35:44

I did this when I was 5! My mum didn't take the job and never got back to work later on. It has caused her a lot of unhappiness. I say just crack on!

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:43:46

Keep it coming smile

JewelFairies Mon 27-May-13 23:02:33

I would definitely give it a go. If you all find it tough six months in you may be able to negotiate hours/days or rethink the whole idea. Good luck smile

VivaLeBeaver Mon 27-May-13 23:13:14

She will get used to it and I bet it won't be half as bad as she thinks it will be.

Once she starts secondary school you may both feel that she'll be able to let herself in after school as well which will help. Is she worried about child minder/after school club at the minute?

Verycold Mon 27-May-13 23:16:55

It will most likely be her grandmother looking after her and ds, dd1 is at secondary and quite independent.

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 06:38:26

Can't sleep hmm I had really hoped that she would be more positive about it...

PoppyWearer Tue 28-May-13 06:50:58

My 4yo did this to me last year when I did a bit of work (only for a short period of time). My advice would be to crack on. She will get used to it.

I speak as someone whose DMum went back to work when I was about 7yo. I took it very much in my stride.

Not easy, I know. Good luck.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 06:56:58

She will be going to secondary school soon and you won't be doing the school run anyway.

Thingymajigs Tue 28-May-13 07:06:28

My ds is like this too. He's 10 in September and I've just started a voluntary job during school hours. He was more than happy with this until he found out I was thinking about taking a paid role with longer hours after the summer holidays. He is very clingy. I don't know if your dd is the same but he doesn't like the idea of going somewhere after school such as an after school club. I'm trying to find someone who can pick him up instead. I think though that if we both just put our foot down they will eventually get used to it. They will need to become more independant very shortly anyway.

muriel76 Tue 28-May-13 07:22:52

Stick with it! She will get used to it. I think it's really important as a parent to acknowledge your child's feelings about this kind of thing but still stay with the plan.

You are teaching her that even if you are really worried about something and think it's going to be awful, it can work out fine (which I am sure it will) She feels horrible now but she will gain confidence from coping with this experience.

I have worked a mixture of FT and PT since having children and have had various upsets over arrangements but it has worked out fine in the end. And (this is not a dig honestly) I did not have the option of jacking it in so had to just plough ahead and being as reassuring as possible as I had to earn.

Good luck I am sure you will both feel better once you have started , waiting for this kind of thing is never fun.

Congratulations on your new job smile

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 07:26:31

Maybe I shouldn't have told her yet! I had hoped she would react more like dd2, who is quite proud that she will have a mother who works for the first time.

muriel76 Tue 28-May-13 07:28:58

That's a tricky one as she needs time to get used to it. Also you weren't to know how she would react.

Jinsei Tue 28-May-13 07:29:56

You're doing her a favour. Learning how to deal with change is one of life's most important lessons. She might not welcome it now, but if you support her through that change, she will come out the other side a much stronger and more resilient person.

She needs to understand that nothing stays the same forever, and that change will be a constant feature in her life. Give her the skills and the confidence to cope with that, and you'll be setting her up for a much happier life in the long run.

Congratulations on your new job! smile

Smartiepants79 Tue 28-May-13 07:33:12

Don't give in to the emotional blackmail!
She is just wary of the change and used to having you at her beck and call.
Can your other daughter/partner/mother have a word?
Try and find out why she is so upset but explain how important this is to you. That you are proud of yourself and hoped she will be too?
She will be fine.
If Granny is picking up she will be spoiled rotten!

Beckamaw Tue 28-May-13 07:36:37

This is a tough one.
I have worked through 3 children, other than maternity leave. DC2 was quite unhappy that I was going back to work this time.
I just explained the benefits of Mummy working, giving examples of the nice things we have that we couldn't have otherwise. Once I was actually back at work, the issues seemed to be quickly dismissed. It hasn't been mentioned once in the last 6months.

Try not to worry too much.

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 07:41:25

I try to explain to her how amazing it is that I got a job at all after all that time... Really thought I'd never work again after such a long break!

BeckAndCall Tue 28-May-13 07:47:05

Please don't give it up!

Your DD is 10, she's not an only child, you're not turning her into a 'latch key kid' ( which is what we used to be called back in the day!), she won't be lonely and very soon her life will be changing when she goes to secondary school.

You're showing her responsibility, following your dreams, contributing to the economy and the family funds, and taking change in your stride. Those are good things to learn.

Graceparkhill Tue 28-May-13 07:49:44

September is a long time away and she may well feel differently by then.
I have friends with DDs of a similar age and their girls are desperate to walk to school alone.

ohforfoxsake Tue 28-May-13 07:57:39

Well done on the new job.

She has plenty of time to get used to it, and has been lucky to have had you at home for so long. Another year and she'll be at secondary school and becoming more independent herself.

Like you, I've not worked for 12 years and I can't imagine anyone giving me a job in this market. Please don't give the job up - for one thing its a very positive thing for our DCs (and DDs in particular) to see that you can be both a SAHM, a WOHM and a person who is more than their mum (my children are flabbergasted that I once had a career). I really hope that I can do the same as you. smile

platanos Tue 28-May-13 07:58:09

First of all: Congratulations!

I agree: don't give up.

My DD (also 10) is very scared of change too. She worries about how it will affect her. We talk it through, and talk about what will change and what will remain the same. That helps her cope as she realises that I will still be there for her. For example, will you be there in the evenings to put her to bed? (This is key for my daughter, it might be something else for yours).

Sometimes the idea of change is worse than the actual change. Good luck! And enjoy your working life, and the benefits it brings to your family (both financial and other...)

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 08:08:39

Her main sadness is about not walking to school together, and I can't do anything about that..

Jinsei Tue 28-May-13 08:14:55

Find out what it is that she likes about the walk to school, OP. Is it the 1:1 time with you, and if so, can you make the time to chat and walk at another time during the day?

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 08:50:36

Gah must keep away from the tes website because it frightens me with all the tales of teachers never seeing their children...

JewelFairies Tue 28-May-13 18:01:13

You'll both need a period of adjustment. I'd give it at least six months for you both to get used to the new routine. brew and biscuit

I think she's being a bit manipulative and I wouldn't stand for that. Reassure her that you will have time for her but don't let her make you feel guilty. Her grandmother is looking after her and you're working not movng to New Zealand. She needs to deal with change, not whimper.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 19:23:12

She is old enough to explain and accept. It is all going to be change soon anyway-secondary school DCs are not walked to school by mother-or even to the bus by mother.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 28-May-13 19:31:52

Congratulations OP

Not sure I can add much except to reassure her.
perhaps tell her its an exciting new start for all of you. Also if she is 10 you will all be facing a change with high school too at some time. Perhaps talk about how grown up she is now, but reassure no matter how grown up she is, you will always love her and she'll always be your dd.
I would talk about the positives of you working and let her know its important to the family as well as yourself etc.
She sounds a sensitive little soul and whilst you need to be firm, I can understand why you are torn. Its a learning curve for her being able to accept change, she will be fine once she's established the new routine.
Perhaps nearer the time you could ask her to help with preparations, maybe help you chose work clothes if this is appropriate
Good luck with the new job.

outtolunchagain Tue 28-May-13 19:42:58

Congratulations OP ,I think your dd probably is being a little manipulative but is also genuinely scared of change .I would press on ,you need to not show any worry yourself though because what she needs most of all is to feel confident that it will be OK ,if she senses a lack of confidence in you that is bound to worry her.She will take her lead from you,could you get your older daughter to talk to her as well.

A salutary tale;I had a close friend who was in a similar position when her twins were the same age as your ds,they moaned and whinged and generally got quite difficult about things and after a few weeks she gave in and gave up the job.A year later those ds were off to senior school with barely a backward glance,now they are away at University ,she has not worked for 20 years and is sad and lonely sad

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 20:24:11

Yes I do strongly feel that I got to grab this chance. It's only a one year contract so who knows what will happen then!

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 08:59:22

No tears last night, phew smile

Excellent smile

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 21:44:16

Spoke too soon... Just came down in tears again

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 21:53:01

You just need to give her the security of being the one in charge, just calm and matter of fact-'this is what is going to happen'.

LifeofPo Wed 29-May-13 21:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 29-May-13 21:59:54

very I went back to work after 10 years in Feb.

DD1 who is ten was in a terrible state. She cried everyday and was stressed and hated it.

I remember crying and wondering what I'd done it was so awful!

After about 3 weeks she was totally fine and now it's like I was never at home.

Don't worry it will be ok x

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 22:28:23

Thank you. This is really hard hmm

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 22:31:16

It is hard but she needs the security of knowing that you are in charge and you know best. Just be calm and factual and don't get drawn into long, pointless discussions.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 29-May-13 22:38:18

It is bloody hard and you feel crappy, guilty and upset.

But even today when it's hard to leave because they are at home for half term I'm still really glad I did it.

I think it has taught dd1 to be a bit more independent and think for herself. She even helps around the house now she sees how knackered I am!

We have more money to spend on fun things as a family and I am not just mum any more, I have a whole other role which I really enjoy.

Honestly don't stress it will be hard initially but it will get easier.

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 22:47:16

I think it's hard as well because we've been lucky enough not to struggle financially while I was at home. If I could be sure to get work then I would happily stay at home until all three are at secondary, but I know I am lucky to find sonething now after such a long time away, so if I left it another five years...

Thinking now whether I should have gone for something "smaller", but on the other hand I studied years for my degree, did my teacher training, do I really want to waste that completely?

exoticfruits Thu 30-May-13 07:32:27

Don't start doubting yourself, most teachers have gone back long before the DC reaches 10 yrs. Just be calm and matter of fact- it is fear of the unknown and she will adjust. Don't get into endless, pointless discussions - you have had enough of them by the sound if it- just go for the calm, broken record approach with a short sentence and change the subject.

Verycold Thu 30-May-13 08:08:16

Thank you. I really really appreciate everyone's messages, it's so easy to feel bad about it when waking up in the early hours!

Verycold Tue 30-Jul-13 21:58:35

After a long gap of dd kind of being okay there were more tears tonight as it's getting closer. Gah!! sad

SnakePlisskensMum Tue 30-Jul-13 22:14:18

I've been through exactly the same. I had 8 years off and have been back at my full time, very stressful job for a year now. Both DS and DD were upset every night and I nearly gave up after 3 months. It upset me so much, I went on AD's. I stuck at it though and we've all come out the other side and I'm so pleased I carried on. I'm having a few days off with them and they are driving me crazy with their fighting! I can't wait to go back grin

RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-13 22:17:25

I wonder how much is about other anxieties but she is focusing on your new job?

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 08:12:40

Thanks Snake, hope it will be the same for us, but without me having to go on AD's

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 08:14:02

Random, dd is a worrier by nature so that definitely plays a part!

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 08:14:48

Random, dd is a worrier by nature so that definitely plays a part!

belatedmaybe Wed 31-Jul-13 08:44:20

Maybe it is time for some tough love. Your dd is a worrier and every time you comfort and reassure you are reinforcing that there is something to worry about! After this amount of time I really think you need to be taking a harder line. "No, there is nothing to worry about so no more tears" "we have already discussed how we will handle x so stop worrying now" "no mummy is proud to get this opportunity and worked hard for it, I have been here every step of the way for you and being proud of you, now is your turn to be proud of me"

It is awful when are dc are upset but sometimes we allow our own guilt to make us feed it not deal with it. You are not abandoning her you are taking a positive step and, at 10yo, your dd will have to accept it.

alimac87 Wed 31-Jul-13 09:57:14

Good luck. I am also going back to work after 12 years of freelancing/being at home: DD (12) wept when I told her. But like you I'm so pleased to have the opportunity. Going to be interesting the first few months.confused

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 20:12:52

Good luck to you, too!

LizzieVereker Wed 31-Jul-13 20:36:25

Well done for getting back into the workplace thanks, no mean feat at the moment. Plus you're setting a great example to your daughters, try not to worry too much.

I think change of any kind at your daughter's age is difficult for children to manage, especially if she's a bit of a worrier. She'll get used to the idea, as others have said she'll soon want to go to Secondary or her own anyway. I'm a teacher, and I see plenty of my children, it can be done. Good luck!

Ps if by any chance you teach Secondary English I'm happy to send you lots of lessons/ PowerPoints to ease your planning? Apologies if you've already said and I've missed it.

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 20:40:12

Lizzie that's so kind of you thank you! I'm MFL unfortunately. Very reassuring that you say you see plenty of your children, recent threads about teaching on here have made me very worried!

LizzieVereker Wed 31-Jul-13 20:46:33

BTW I completely agree with handling it in the way Belated suggested, lots of "You'll soon see, there's nothing to worry about".

Perhaps DD1 could be primed/ bribed to suggest that they remember to wish you luck and ask how your first day went, and then you can praise them for being brave and supportive.

LizzieVereker Wed 31-Jul-13 20:57:31

I do see them, I try to be home by 5.30 every day, so we spend the whole evening together, and I do my school work when they're in bed. I try to squeeze every minute out of my non contact time so that I don't have too much to do at weekends, generally I need to do a half day. The workload where I work is notorious, so if I can do it it's doable IYSWIM.

Obviously there's the odd Parent's Evening when I don't see them at all, but I find that they're fine as long as they know in advance, and my DH makes a big deal of it being a Dad's night, they watch a DVD and eat gross things!

I point blank refuse to do any summer schools etc, I am adamant about that, and I find there are usually plenty of younger colleagues wanting to staff them to earn a bit extra.

The way I see it, I'm around a lot more than some of my friends who work in London and don't get home till bedtime and need to find holiday childcare.

Verycold Wed 31-Jul-13 21:54:21

Are you full time Lizzie?

Verycold Sat 03-Aug-13 22:25:55

More tears but I told her how it is and will have to keep doing that. Now ds not happy about the childcare I've arranged for one afternoon a week! confused

Talkinpeace Tue 06-Aug-13 22:43:31

"worrying about no longer walking to school together"
I take it she is currently still at primary
because come year 7 she would not be seen dead "walking to school with mummy"

she is afraid of change and being utterly out of order blackmail on you

personally I'd stop talking to them about it till the start of term as you are just inviting them to chew over unknown unknowns that they can do nothing about
so they are extrapolating all sorts of odd ideas that will not come to fruition

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