How the hell am I meant to make this work?!

(53 Posts)
aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 22:30:48

I'm due to go back to work in a month or so. Have been looking at figures and based on what I'd be paid and what id have to pay for Childcare, I'd be taking home £10 a day (before tax but not sure if I'd actually be taxed on this).
I'm going to see citizens advice as soon as possible but has anyone got any thoughts/ advice/ help?
I can not survive on that, it doesn't need to cover mortgage or bills but I need to pay for food, clothes etc.
Am I expecting too much? Should I just go back full time and try to survive on £50/wk? Is this possible?!
Any advice please.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 22:31:51

As far as I can tell from websites, we don't qualify for benefits.
My partner pays mortgage/bills and I pay food clothes etc.

lisad123 Sun 23-Dec-12 22:33:12

£50 a week is still good, that's £200 a month. Childcare won't always be that costly.
I'm returning to work next month for a grand total of £20 a week for five mornings work, but then I'm desperate to get back to work blush

I'm in that situation but slightly better - I get £20 a day. I'm not complaining as it was my choice to take a lower paid part time job so that I have more time with Ds bit it is tough. Will you be eligible for tax credits? If so you will probably get some help with childcare costs . Google benefits calculator to see.

MerylStrop Sun 23-Dec-12 22:34:44

You and your partner need to look at your JOINT finances and work out together what you want to do.

Childcare is a JOINT expense, not just yours

KenDoddsDadsDog Sun 23-Dec-12 22:40:38

Does your employer do childcare vouchers? You can save quite a bit like this - DH and I save about £1000 each every year as you can both do it if your workplace participates.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 22:44:03

erm, your partner earns so why would you be expected to pay for food out of just your salary?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 22:45:22

i dont get this, why aren't both salaries paid into one account and all bills paid out of that?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 22:48:34

and when i went back to work after ds2 i was working for -£70 a month after childcare, as in my salary was £70 less a month than childcare cost. but we were a family so my partner made sure we ate. that's how it works. i'm really struggling with this idea that you would be responsible for all food even if your partner had money sitting in his account. i dont get it. it's not like he's going to just buy his own food so why not combine the salaries?

Sorry I missed that you had looked into benefits. Like I said I earn very little after childcare (£240 a month) but we're thinking long term. Even though we have separate accounts there's no question that our money is ours, Dp just transfers some each month so we both have access to what we need. You need to work of together what you can afford and agree a way forward.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:07:34

That's just how we choose to do it- he pays for the mortgage and bills and I pay for the rest.
I know others will see this as 'wrong' but it's how we do it.
Childcare is my responsibility to take care of out of my money.
I'm fine with the way we deal with money, I just need to work out how to live off £50 a week!

MerylStrop Sun 23-Dec-12 23:11:01

You need to look at it again, then
Having a child changes everything
Child care - and food - are a family responsibility, as indeed are mortgage and bills.

AloeSailor Sun 23-Dec-12 23:14:17

Childcare is a joint responsibility.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:19:48

no you dont!

are you honestly saying that if you run out of money every week he wont pay for extra food? i doubt that.

btw if the mortgage is coming out of his account every month it could leave you in a tricky situation if you separate. you could have fun proving that you are entitled to any share of the house.

get this sorted. you are a family, you and he are both responsible for feeding, clothing, sheltering and providing childcare for that child!

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:20:59

why would he even want you to try and live off £50 a week when he has money there? what sort of person is he?

AloeSailor Sun 23-Dec-12 23:23:32

He's got it sorted hasn't he? He's paying towards getting a house in the end, while you feed hm and pay to look after his children. Not fair.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:26:24

The house is his so if we split I'm not entitled to it which is fine- I've not paid for it so it's not mine!
Obviously if I have no money he pays for things, he is not a monster, it's my issue really.
I don't want him to have to pay for everything, I want to pay my own way. I'm just struggling to see how on low pay. I know it can be done- which is why I was asking!!

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:27:53

Aloe- she's our child, not his. He pays for me to live here, all bills paid so why would I not want to contribute?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:29:24

ok so you dont want a share in the house, he doesn't want you to have a share.

why not have him pay the mortgage amount out of his salary and then what he has left goes into an account with all of your salary and you split everything else, so childcare (which he does have a share in BTW! as he benefits from being able to work while his child is cared for) food, clothes for baby and other essentials.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:29:38

Santal- he's not happy about it. In fact we have been 'discussing' it tonight. I just don't want him having to pay for everything so I'm trying to work out a way to bring at least some money in.

MadonnaKebab Sun 23-Dec-12 23:31:33

But paying your own way means that you are both equally affected by the massive financial difference that having a child has made to your lives
( and also by the massive difference in free time but that's another issue)
You may well have been fine with the way you did things about money before, but everything is different now. It's not fair if his outgoings don't change at all but yours do massively
And for your DC's sake you should have a stake in the roof over all your heads

AloeSailor Sun 23-Dec-12 23:33:23

That's exactly my point. Its his child as well as your so why isn't he contributing to its care? , and why is he being fed by you when you won't get a house out of his mortgage at the end of 25 years.

TeaDr1nker Sun 23-Dec-12 23:34:19

Surely if he can afford it he should pay all the bills and you use your income for the luxuries.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:35:40

think of it this way OP. this man's financial situation hasn't changed at all due to becoming a father, would you be happy for this agreement to continue if you have more children, 2/3/4? you continueing to struggle and pay all childcare and food while it doesn't affect either his career, his bank account or his assets (house)? is that fair?

MerylStrop Sun 23-Dec-12 23:38:51

This must be a wind up.

Surely no-one is this naive?

If you are for real OP you really need to start looking after your own, and your child's interests more. You're not a partner, you're a lodger.

MadonnaKebab Sun 23-Dec-12 23:40:25

If you're not entitled to benefits it's because the government says he earns enough to support his own child. He may have you bamboozled into thinking that the responsibility is all yours but that doesn't mean that the taxpayer has to make up the difference to ensure he isn't out of pocket
Surely you looked into / talked about all this earlier?

LaCiccolina Sun 23-Dec-12 23:41:47

Sorry but u still seem intent on splitting things as if u were both just dating. You are not. You are now a family. There are no ur bills and his bills. There are your bills as in the family's.

Fair enough if you wish to buy your own lipstick/ treats but do not make the mistake that you can exist together long term under your old "agreement" with no change. That's not bu it's feckin stupid. U are setting the next 10 yrs or so not 10 wks. What u agree with ur man now will likely be what ur still doing for a good while, they don't change much do they ?!?

Think about this better.

TeaDr1nker Sun 23-Dec-12 23:42:27

Meryl I know people who are married with a similar set up, he earns more than her and pays X and Y, she earns less and pays for the food. I once asked her re surely it's both your money but it seems not

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:45:24

Please don't say I need to look after my child's interests, she is my number one priority and the main thing in my life. I will always put her first.
Yes I probably am 'naive' in thinking I can do it myself but I'm trying and don't really need nasty comments about me, my parenting or my partner.
I'm not trying to get benefits either, I simply stated I am not eligible for them.
I'm simply looking for ways to make my financial situation work for us.

Why would you need to see citizens advice? What could they suggest other than you should share your finances on a more equitable basis?

Does your partner have much left over after paying the mortgage and bills?

AloeSailor Sun 23-Dec-12 23:51:21

I'm not making rude comments about you, just your partner, who is taking the piss and facing up to his responsibilities as a father. You do need to think about where you and your daughter live if anything happened to him though. Has he left his house to you or her?

AloeSailor Sun 23-Dec-12 23:51:48

not facing up to his responsbiliities, obvs.

AmandaLF Sun 23-Dec-12 23:51:50

What we do us split our wages 50/50. My hubby earns nearly double so I thought this was fair. We have our own bank accounts too.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:51:55

the way to make your financial situation work for 'us' (you him and your child) is to involve HIM in the care of his child! it is not solely your responsibility.

if your child is your no1 priority, show her that by making the other adult responsible for existence, also responsible for her care! what message do you think it will send to her as she grows to know that daddy contributed zero, nadda, zilch to her upbringing?

AmandaLF Sun 23-Dec-12 23:53:01

We're not eligible for benefits either.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Sun 23-Dec-12 23:53:37

good point about the house. has he ensured you and your dd will get the house if he dies? if not why not?

MerylStrop Sun 23-Dec-12 23:54:27

The way to make this financial situation work - and to put your child first - is to sit down with your partner and work out what your joint finances are.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sun 23-Dec-12 23:56:08

It's left to us or her depending on her age.
He does contribute, a lot. He hardly has anything left after mortgage and bills. He's not sitting there eating caviar whilst me and the baby eat scraps!
I know a lot of people who don't do 50/50 as there's such a wage imbalance.
I feel guilty taking his money after he's worked so hard for it. If that's stupid then yes, I'm stupid. But that's how I feel about it. We both look after her and contribute what we can.

TeaDr1nker Sun 23-Dec-12 23:59:16

OP, when a child comes along finances need looking at and restructuring. Does he have a will? Do you? At the very least if/when he dies the house should go to you/your children. I believe if one is not married then a next of kin is a parent/sibling not a partener or child IYSWIM (I'm sure a MNetter will set me straight).

I think you know you have to really discuss finances, the fact is from what you say you are left with not a lot, DP should give you extra so you have a decent amount to feed your family, that is assuming he can afford it.

scottishmummy Mon 24-Dec-12 00:00:28

we have separate personal accs no joint monies but split childcare cost
childcare is a joint expenditure,both parents should contribute
you dont need to do that shared money thang but do split childcare,it's fair

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 24-Dec-12 00:00:44

why on earth do you feel guilty? do you think that he feels guilty that you will be working and paying for his childcare?

you are a family you are supposed to care for each other. you aren't taking his money! he is providing for the family he has created!

someone has really done a number on you!

drcrab Mon 24-Dec-12 00:04:26

I have no answers but I do know what you mean. I suppose the deal is say for eg he earns £2000/month so he will pay say £800 for mortgage and ££400 for gas/elec:council tax etcetc. You then will pay say £200/food. Anything else eg eating out or car repairs etcetc he pays. You just want to feel that you are contributing...

I get that. But I think you need to have a chat with him about the money situation. Only because Pre kids, you could pay £200/month for good but say earned £1000/month. Now you are earning £200/month because you've cut down hours etc and that's because you've chosen to cut down in hours. If that is so, then you both need to sit down and chat about the numbers because its not going to work. The numbers won't add up. Even if the intention is there.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Mon 24-Dec-12 00:13:36

LaCic this is not AIBU so don't call me stupid.
Santal I feel guilty because he works very hard to provide a lovely home for us and pays the bills and I now feel I can contribute nothing. I have always felt like this. I feel like I can't accept things from others as it makes me feel guilty. I feel like I should be able to contribute too.
I totally agree we need to have a sit down and look things again but the fact is, even going back full time I won't be earning more than £50/wk.
That's what I really wanted help with.

scottishmummy Mon 24-Dec-12 00:15:11

in scotland you bith can be joint tenants with a survivorship cause. In Scotland, the concepts of 'joint tenants' and 'tenants in common' don't apply, although the law is similar. A couple living together can hold a property in joint names by stating in the title deed (using a survivorship clause) that each of them will leave the property to the other if one of them dies. The survivorship clause is, in effect, a contract between you and you cannot revoke it unless you both agree, although if you are married, the survivorship clause has no effect if your marriage ends in divorce or is annulled

England, either

joint tenants -equal share automatically all pass to survivor on death. With a joint tenancy, even if you, or your partner, have made a will, the surviving partner will still receive their share of the property, whatever the will says. If neither of you have made a will and one of you dies 'intestate', which means that the assets will be distributed according to the 'law of intestacy', the surviving partner will still inherit the property.

tenant in common - unequal shares, and the nominated share passes.not the whole.Owning a property under a tenancy in common also means that your shares are separate from each other, which means that if one of you dies before the other, the share of the person who has died doesn't pass automatically to the other, but instead passes according to the wishes of the Will the deceased partner made or the law of intestacy, as appropriate.

scottishmummy Mon 24-Dec-12 00:18:00

is it joint mortgage are you named on deeds?

aimingtobeaperfectionist Mon 24-Dec-12 00:22:42

It's not joint. I'm not named.
He has a policy that leaves property to me and DC.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Mon 24-Dec-12 00:23:25

"If that's stupid then yes, I'm stupid."

you called yourself stupid! why have a problem when someone else agrees with it? confused and you can be stupid outside of AIBU, people can still give opinions.

and yes, YOU might only have £50 a week but your wage is not the only family income. it is absoloutely ridiculous to insist on this split of finances if it means you are struggling to fill the fridge each week while he has spare money! how can you not see this? split the childcare, split the food, split the energy bills and get your name on the mortgage and split that too. put all money into one account and pay all bills out of it, you both work to contribute to the family, just because he earns more doesn't mean he works harder, you raise his child while you aren't at work, that holds value! start valuing yourself and stop feeling so fucking grateful for the fact that he's letting you stay in his house. of course he should be partly responsible for housing his child! he should also be feeding her, clothing her and paying for the care she recieves that enables him to earn!

scottishmummy Mon 24-Dec-12 00:25:35

you've seen this policy?s it a will?is it robust enough to not be challenged
I get the separate monies,we do that. of courser at can work
we do split childcare though
have you notified go you're each other nok for medical records

kirrinIsland Mon 24-Dec-12 00:27:13

aiming I can see where you are coming from. DP and I had completely separate finances to start with. We each paid a percentage of our wage into a joint account to cover mortgage and all bills, but beyond that his money was his money and mine was mine. And he earns far more than I do. We did this for more than 10 years.
BUT then we had DD and I dropped to part time. I hated not having my own money and not contributing anything much. But things had to change. I now earn next to nothing so i can't pay a share of the mortgage, so he puts money in my account every month to pay my share. This means if we split, I can demonstrate a contribution to the mortgage. And I am contributing - I'm saving us a fortune in child care fees so he can continue to work full time and bring in the money. It just took me a while to see it that way.

Like drcrab said ^^ it just can't work, the numbers don't add up.

janey68 Mon 24-Dec-12 11:23:24

How you choose to organise your finances is a personal decision for your family.
The fact remains that if you aren't eligible for benefits, then you are deemed to have sufficient overall money coming into the household to manage.

There is nothing unusual about having a period of time when childcare takes up the equivalent of one income. We had a couple of years like this: two children in childcare and tbh if I was looking just at our immediate finances, we would probably have been slightly better off if I didn't work, ironically! After nursery fees, two commutes, work clothes etc it wiped out the equivalent of what I brought home. However, it enabled me to stay in work, keep paying into a pension and most importantly, a few years down the line I am in a far more senior position at work.

Also, to put this into context, when I talk to my older colleagues I realise how much better things are these days. We get free nursery hours at age 3, far longer maternity leave (so much less childcare to pay for overall - if you take a years ML you only have 2 years of paying full childcare before the child turns 3)
Also many employers do childcare vouchers nowadays. And of course lower income families get WFTC which didn't use to exist.

I don't think the problem here is with general conditions. It's the way you have chosen to manage your family finances.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Mon 24-Dec-12 15:25:45

Yes you're all right, we need to split things 50/50. Talked to him this morning and he said I was daft for not just doing that in the first place.
Thanks.

Glad you managed to get it sorted smile

Festivechocaholic Wed 26-Dec-12 23:15:29

OP i had the same situation for years as moved into DHs house then he just continued to pay the mortgage etc, we changed it about a year after DS was born and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders... It took a while but we wrote down every single outgoing (over the whole year as some things only come out every 3 months etc). Then we worked out how much we had coming in from wages and deducted total outgoings from that and split what was left over equally... Not sure i have explained that well, does it make sense? So he puts in more than me but thats because he earns more then we both have the same amount of spending money to ourselves.

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