Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

1 2

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Work

Au pair 11.30 pm curfew - too much to ask?

26 replies

Mo2 · 25/10/2004 19:37

Thought I'd bounce this one off the collective wisdom of Mumsnet as DH & I are having some issues with this....

Our au pair, aged 21, who has been with us for 18 months, and with whom we have got on with very well up til now, has recently got a boyfriend.

As a result, she is out late more often. Up til now, she used to be out late on Fri / Sat (unless babysitting) and that didn't bother us - as far as we were concerned, she was off at weekends, and that was her social life. We agreed at an early stage that she would tell us if she was going to be 'late' (defined by us as after 11.30 pm)or away o/n at weekends and we wouldn't worry/ would lock up etc and go to bed.

Problem now is that she's out later and later many more nights of the week (Sun - Thurs).

DH has had some problems sleeping recently and he says it's just one more thing that's keeping him awake - worrying a bit about her, and wondering what time she'll come back. He feels quite protective/ responsible towards her I think. I've tried to be a bit more relaxed (remembering what I was like at 21 ) but I must admit I do too sometimes find it hard to get to sleep until I know she's safely home.

When she does come home, she's very quiet, doesn't make any noise or wake the kids, but we both tend to be 'aware'.

DH wants to ask her to be in by 11.30 pm Sun - Thurs nights, but I wonder if that's being a bit too 'parental' - one one hand, she IS 21, but then on the other it IS our house, and it is beginning to have an impact on us....

OP posts:

Report

KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 19:41

How is she the next morning? Do you feel like she is rested enough to take care of the kids?

larlylou · 25/10/2004 19:42

Mo2, I am afraid I don't have much experience with au pairs but from reading your message I sympathise with you and think that it isn't harsh of you to ask her to come in at that time during the week. I hope it sorts itself out soon for you and you both get some decent sleep soon. Good luck

Mo2 · 25/10/2004 19:48

Kate - yes - she's usually fine (she's not a big drinker, so it;s not as if she's hungover...) To be honest she onl gets them dressed for school etc and we're around, so she doesn't need to be hugely 'compis mentis'....

She IS getting up later though (7.30 rather than 7.00 this morning) so that is something we'd have to address....

OP posts:

GRMUM · 25/10/2004 19:49

Difficult one Mo2 ! At 21 I would not have taken kindly to being told to be in at a certain time! However ....Is it affecting her work? If yes then you do need to talk to her about it. Otherwise I don't think you can do much except go off to sleep! I am often to tired to wait up for my teenage son to come in and then wake in the middle of the night to see if he's OK. Part of the parent game i suppose, even though she is not your child. I hope she appreciets what kind caring employers she has?

Caligula · 25/10/2004 19:50

Sorry, I have an au-pair, but I don't think it's my place to tell them what time to be home. I sympathise with you, because I know it's difficult to sleep, but I think you just have to get over that parental, protective feeling you have about them, and let yourself not worry. The reason it's encroaching on you is not because of anything she's doing, it's your response to it.

Could you perhaps talk to her about how worried you are about her welfare? Explain that although you appreciate she's an adult, you also feel that you have a duty of care towards her (which as her semi employer/ host family, you do) and that you would like to know that when she is out, she is taking sensible precautions about her safety - like getting taxis home, or having her boyfriend walk her home.

When you're young and in a foreign place, you just don't take the same care you take at home, and I can see why you're worried.

Mo2 · 25/10/2004 19:58

GRMUM/ Caligula
Thanks - yes, to be honest, I think I agree with you, and I have less of a problem than DH.
I personally think DH is using it as an excuse for a variety of other reasons why he can't sleep (various work/ home worries).
I'm worried if we (he) tries to enforce this that we'll lose her, and given that I work full time, I'd be really pi**ed off if I suddenly was coming home to all the cleaning and ironing due to DH 'taking matters into his own hands'...

It did cross my mind that perhaps he is a bit jealous of a 21 yr old with an active social life....

OP posts:

KateandtheGirls · 25/10/2004 20:06

I agree too. I think it's only an issue for her if it affects her work. (If she is supposed to be up starting work at 7, then you do need to discuss this.) If it doesn't affect her work then I don't think you can say anything, and your husband has to deal with his sleeping problem without blaming the au pair.

It's not even as if she's a teenager. I was married at 21!

GymJunkie · 25/10/2004 20:07

Look at it this way... if she lived out and was contracted to start at 7.30 and did so without fail and her service levels did not drop, you would not know what time she came in at. Are you in touch with her parents ? drop a nice E saying how happy you are that she has a boyfriend and how settled and happy they seem. It is then up to them to give her direction.

GRMUM · 25/10/2004 20:16

Agree with your first point 100% gymjunkie but not sure that sending an e-mmail to her parents is really approriate at 21!

Mo2 · 25/10/2004 20:16

GYmJunkie (Great name....!) interesting.... your post made me think.... Sadly, her Dad died last year, I wonder if DH has some strange extra-paternalistic feelings as a result...?

I could write to her Mum, but it would be useless - she doesn't speak a word of English!

OP posts:

GymJunkie · 25/10/2004 20:24

Yes GRMUM you are quite right re Eing the family, it was one of those moments type it, read it, makes sense, send it, oh Bother she is almost an adult. So in conclusion M02 comments re live out and service levels stand, and as for the half hour difference, wait until the clocks go back and see what happens....I for one am stapled to the bed these days and this is from a girl(ette) who if she wakes up early enough, will work out if she has time to go to the gym and do 30 mins at 6.30 in the morning,don't always manage it, and no I am not a stick insect,(78kg) would probably be if I could remember that food and red wine are fattening !!!!

JulieF · 26/10/2004 00:15

It is your house and you have the right to say at what time it should be locked up. I would not be happy going to bed and leaving the door unbolted not knowing what time she was coming back.

I don't think its unreasonable at all, its nothing to do with her age or her right to have a social life, more to do with the rules of your property.

KateandtheGirls · 26/10/2004 00:50

Julie, I assume she has a key...

essbee · 26/10/2004 02:21

Message withdrawn

hatter · 26/10/2004 09:57

would having a sign for when she's back help? eg she turns off a certain light, so that when you stir in the middle of the night you don't find yourself worrying about whether or not she's back - you can tell straight away. It might just help stop you worrying (until you wake up one night at 3 am and the light's still on!)

Uwila · 26/10/2004 13:37

hmmm... tough one really. I tend to agree that she is contracted to do a job, and what she chooses to do outside of those hours (so long as it does not affect her performance on the job) is her business. Also,I think that good au pair/ nannies are hard to find. So, if you otherwise are happy with her I think it's worth considering accommodating her desires.

Although, if you wanted to be a bit sneaky you could ask her to shift her hours to starting a bit earlier which might in turn encourage her to come home a bit earlier.

I do actually take the point that you have a right to lay down some reasonable house rules. And, in the house by say 11:30 or 12:00 is pretty resaonable. However, I thin these things need to be clarified before the employment begins. I do feel it's a bit late to change the rules 18 months into her employment.

Caligula · 26/10/2004 13:43

Actually I'm coming round to the house rules thing. It is reasonable to be comfortable in your own home, and it is just a question of getting to a stage where you can be comfortable in your own home. I don't think it's entirely reasonable for her to be treated as an employee who can do what she wants outside her contracted hours, because as an au-pair, that's not her status - she's a semi member of the family, and as such, should fit in (within reason) with family routine.

WideWebWitch · 26/10/2004 13:56

I'm with GRMUM and Caligula, I don't think you can tell her what time to be in if she's a) doing her job well and it's not affecting that and b) 21. Remember how little sleep we all needed at 21? Is dh a bit envious of this too maybe? I don't think you can do anything other than tell her you want to make sure she's taking cabs etc for her own safety.

WideWebWitch · 26/10/2004 13:57

Sorry, not with Caligula's last post re house rules, don't necessarily agree with that, agree with earlier post (no offence Caligula)

velcrobott · 26/10/2004 14:06

I remember when I had a boyfriend at 21 and was living at a relative's house (I was a student and had a room for free there)... gosh I stayed up late.... 3 or 4 in the morning and was sitting in my classroom at 8:30..... those were the days

Uwila · 26/10/2004 16:40

What ime is she coming in? Are we talking 1:00 or 4:00? How old are the kids? Just wonder if they are aware of her late hours and if they are old enough to be influenced by them?

Is it possibly for her to make less noise when she comes in? Or is the issue just that she isn't home?

I'm not flip flopping here. Just trying to get the complete picture.

GRMUM · 26/10/2004 16:49

Not trying to be awkward here and this question is not aimed at anyone in particular, but if your own 21 year old daughter happened to still live at home would you tell her she had to be in by a certain time?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Mo2 · 26/10/2004 16:55

She's usually back by 12.30, so not that late (esp. for a 21 year....!)

Actually the problem for me is that she is actually very good really - makes virtually no noise; doesn't wake the kids - they aren't even aware (only 5 & 2). She also texts if she is going to be later than 11.30, so all pretty responsible really in my mind.

I guess it is a bit of an issue that we can't lock the internal door/ bolts etc, but the house is still secure!

It really is the case that DH has to 'let go' and not worry/ feel so responsible for her I think....I really can't understand why he is so uptight about it all

OP posts:

Mo2 · 26/10/2004 16:56

GRMUM - I had exactly the same thought about if she was my own daughter.....

OP posts:

GRMUM · 26/10/2004 17:11

I don't think she comes in very late Mo2, and texting you if she is going to be later than 11.30 is great. She sounds a real gem !

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.