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Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

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Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Work

My guilty secret..

50 replies

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:16

I nearly changed my name for this, but what the hell....

I've read several threads lately concerning SAHM and working mums, including the current one 'in defence of working mums' and what with mention of financial necessity etc. they have made me wonder if anyone else shares my guilty secret.

I have a 12m DS and I work full time. DS goes to a nursery 7.30 to 6, 4 days a week and I work from home on a Friday and the grandparents take it in turns to look after him on this day (8.30 to 4.30) so I get a few more hours with him.

My secret is, that even if I could afford not to work (which at the moment I can't for various reasons, including pending redundancy for both DH and I) I would still want to work part-time. And this makes me feel so guilty.

But why do I feel guilty? DH earns considerably less than me, yet he is not made to feel guilty for working?? I can only think that it's because I am expected to want to be at home with DS full time, and yet this is not expected of my DH?

When I tell people that, financially, if anyone was to give up work it would be my husband, people give me 'that look' as if to say, 'Oh so you don't want to be at home with DS?'. This really annoys both myself (no, I hate my son really!) and DH as he would love to be a SAHD and hates people's prejudices on this subject.

Anyway, that's another thread altogether...

Don't misunderstand, ideally I wouldn't have to travel to London, so my working day would be a lot shorter, but I think being a SAHM and being a working mum are both incredibly hard in different ways, so I'd like to do a combination of both. I think this would be the best for my whole family.

Is there anyone else out there who feels the same.

I don't want to start another discussion on SAHM v Working mum, I just want to know if anyone else feels the same as me: Would like to work p/t,f/t even if they didn't have to for financial reasons, but is overcome by guilt for feeling this way.

What a long message! well done for getting this far....

BR

OP posts:

Report

Tinker · 30/09/2004 13:21

Feel almost the same as you except I wouldn't feel particularly guilty about needing something other than looking after a child all day to make me feel sane.

Yorkiegirl · 30/09/2004 13:23

Message withdrawn

MeanBean · 30/09/2004 13:23

BR, you've got no reason to feel guilty. 12 months old is perfectly old enough to leave for a while, and work can be a great break from childcare. Commuting was the only time I ever got to read when I used to!

motherinferior · 30/09/2004 13:23

I do know what you mean; I'd quite like to be a Proper Mum who yearned to be with her baybeeze full time. But, er, I'm not.

Yorkiegirl · 30/09/2004 13:24

Message withdrawn

secur · 30/09/2004 13:24

Message withdrawn

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:25

yes that's it! You see I keep thinking that that's how I should feel.. but I don't

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throckenholt · 30/09/2004 13:25

me - I would work part-time (and do). I love being with my kds but I really need to get away from them for a while for all our sakes. I know when I have been with them for too long in a stretch I become much less tolerant and much less constructive with them - I seem to lose my imagination and stagnate - not much fun for any of us.

I personally do not function well as a full time mum (DH does much better which takes some getting used to ).

Having said that I really would not want to work full time - I want to be able to spend a lot of time with my kids but not all (I currently work 3 days per week out side the home).

Fennel · 30/09/2004 13:25

I work cos I want to, 3/4 time. we could live on DP's salary. I never feel guilty about working. I do currently feel guilty that dd3 has started nursery quite young, 4.5 months for 3 days a week. would have preferred her to be at home a bit more. there are lots of us around who are happier when we get to do paid work as well as have time at home with the kids.

MeanBean · 30/09/2004 13:26

Why should you feel like that? Does your DH?

secur · 30/09/2004 13:26

Message withdrawn

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:27

MB. No DH hate his job with a passion and I think he'd make an excellent SAHD

OP posts:

hercules · 30/09/2004 13:27

My dd is the same age and i work parttime. I get the best of both worlds and it's great! Don't feel guilty.

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:28

secur. I agree. In my heart I know I couldn't hack looking after DS full-time. The same as I hate working F/T I suppose. I need a bit of both and then I know I'd be happy.

BR

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bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:29

posts crossed Herc.

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bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:30

Just have to hang on till I get made redundant then (15 yrs redundancy is lot!).... or win the lottery.

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secur · 30/09/2004 13:30

Message withdrawn

Pagan · 30/09/2004 13:32

Hats off to all coz I couldn't be anything other than a SAHM - that's me personally. Yes I get bored (that's why I'm on here a fair bit) and yes I yearn for meaningful conversation (also why I'm on here a fair bit) but I've worked since leaving school at 16. I look on it as just a change of career coz it's certainly not a break but our whole homelife would break down if I returned to work just now. My DH is very supportive of me being a SAHM and for us it's the only way (thankfully finances allow me to be). It's that old addage, everyone is different with different circumstances. It's what you feel is best for your circumstances that counts and to hell what anyone else thinks.

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:32

I've loooked into it and we could just about afford for me to drop a day. But if I did this, and then got made redundant I would lose 20% of my redundancy pay. That's alot of money to just chuck away......

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Thomcat · 30/09/2004 13:33

So glad you didn't change your name, you shouldn't feel guilty.

I need to work financially but enjoy being a working mum, most of the time anyway!

I love my job, love the people I work with, really enjoy that whole side of my life.

I hate leaving my daughter but I leave her with my mum where she gets loads of love and attention. She also goes to mursery 3 mornings a week.

I have Fridays off as she has special needs and I take her to the hospital to receive all her therapy etc.

All this works really well and by the look of Lottie and how well she's doing it works well for her.

When I am with her it's real quality time and i can't get enough of her, we're pleased to be together after a day apart.

I feel personally that I am a better mum by not being around her 24/7. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I love being a mum, adore my daughter and love my life. Being a full time, SAHM wouldn't suit me.

secur · 30/09/2004 13:34

Message withdrawn

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:37

Yep. Company is being taken over.

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bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:37

And DH is very likely to be made redundant next summer.

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secur · 30/09/2004 13:40

Message withdrawn

JJ · 30/09/2004 13:41

I'm technically a SAHM in that I don't have a job. I have had help and childcare at least a day a week and usually 2 days/week or more for the boys ever since I got my act together enough to find someone (when my eldest was about 1 1/2 years old, I think). I can't do 24/7 or even 10/5 (my husband is very hands on with the kids).

We are extrememly fortunate in that my being home (or being able to be home, if necessary) has helped us financially a great deal. That's the exception, I know, and down to dumb luck and our circumstances.

Anyway, that's my story -- hope it helps you feel not so guilty.

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