How long should it take to settle into nursery

[Tickles]

I have been trying to settle my boy into a nursery for the last few weeks. He is only going to go two afternoons a week and is nearly 17 months old. The first day I took him I stayed with him for all but 10 minutes, where he cried so much he was sweating all over and his hair was wet. The staff advised me to take him home and we would try again the next day. The next day he was OK for about 15 minutes and was doing some drawing outside but started to get very upset so they come and got me. We then had a weekend break and back again on Monday. He again cried and cried and was only able to be left for a few minutes. The next day he was better but started to cry as we arrived. He did not go the next day but the following day managed about an hour, although he was very upset when I left. On Friday we managed half-an-hour but he cried for 15 minutes of that. On Friday evening he had a temperature and has been off colour all weekend, so this may have had something to do with his tears on Friday.

I am worried about how long I should keep putting him and me through this and at what point I should say "enough". I don't want to cause any emotional damage to him. The nursery staff are all very good and asure me that he is going to settle because he can be comforted by me and then walks away and plays on his own, and won't look for me for a good few minutes.

Has anyone else been here? Any suggestions on how to make it easier?

[Enid]

Oh Tickles, I sympathise. You can read my sorry tale on the Playgroup at 2.5? thread.

Basically I tried to settle dd at nursery when she was 2 and she hated it. Eventually the nursery staff suggested that I take her out and try again in a few months. In the end I settled her with a childminder who looked after a couple of other children and dd really improved and became much less clingy. She is now 2.8, and will be going to nursery again in September (a different one). She is completely ready for it now and I know that even if there are a few tears she will settle herself - she'll love it!

Listen to the advice of the staff at your nursery, but follow your instincts. If you don't absolutely HAVE to settle him in a nursery maybe you should leave it for a while and try later.

[threeangels]

Hi Tickles - I have been a nursery worker for the past 15 yrs minus the last 1 year for 1-3 year olds. I have been through this type of situation more times then I can count. Ive had children take 0 days to settle in all the way up to several months. It all depends on the individual child. Your situation may take some time since your ds is only getting a couple days of nursery. He wont have as many days repeatedly to adjust which is fine though. I have always reccommended my parents if not working to try and stay a week or two with their child depending on how many days their child will be there. This will help a great deal in transitioning them. It will help them ease into the nursery scene. In time they will adjust and it wont bother them when you leave. If you cant stay all day stay as long as you can and then take him home the first week or so. The next week stay for a little while and then try leaving for a little bit maybe and hour or two. Do this for the week while increasing your time away from him that way leaving him all day wont be a big shock on him. I always recommend if you have the convenience then try easing them in slowly. His emotions will probally be up and down for a while especially the crying. May cry one day at times and then not on others. If you stick with it it will get better. I promise you it wont cause any damage. Ive dealt with this at least 100 times. I had one child which took up to at least 3 months to feel secure. I agree with Enid to listen to the staff because they deal with this all the time. Before you know it hell be off and on his own. Good luck and I hope all works out.

[buttercup]

I wonder whether you being there actually makes it harder for him to settle. Could you try leaving him for longer and longer periods. My ds went through a stage of being very upset when I left him at nursery. I hung around to try and comfort him but this actually seemed to make it worse. He came through it very quickly. Good luck. it will be fine.

[bluestar]

My son is about to start nursery (20 months) and the nursery have advised this pattern of settling: 1 hour with parent there; next time - 1 hour with parent in staff room drinking tea etc but on hand if needed for reassuring hug; final time - 2 hours on own with a mealtime included. Then he will start 2 days a week. I'll let you know if this works. Good luck to everyone in this situation!

[niceglasses]

I had a very similar situation when I tried to settle my 13/14mnth old son in nursery. He was only going 2-3 mornings per week & at first used to get so upset he would actually vomit. He did this 3 or 4 times. He would scream & attach himself to my leg. This went on for well over a month - maybe 2 & I really did think of giving up.
It also took him ages to eat there - he would have nothing to eat or drink for a good while. Now I think he eats better there than he does for me!!!

I think it only changed when he had a good run at it - so I used to leave him extra hours just to get used to it. I felt very cruel and distraught, but I had no choice really - I can't afford to give up work all together.

My advice, for what its worth, stick with it. Its horrible and upsetting but it does get better. He still has the odd tear if he has been away for a while on hols etc, but mostly he seems to enjoy it.

[Tickles]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I took him to nursery yesterday and he managed 40 minutes and even had a little snack :-). He looked so pleased with himself. We are still going to try short stints for now but I feel a lot better about it. Thank you.