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To pack in work /go part time

10 replies

mummypercy · 26/05/2004 09:14

Hi,
First time on the talk board, so forgive me if I go on a little, that and only 5 hours sleep.
Anyway I am 24 weeks pregnant with twins! already have a 3 year old. Still in shock only wanted one more, but as mum said whats done is done. The problem is my partner thinks I should pack in work or at least go parttime. He has worked out the finances and although we could just about manage a Nanny. In his words it would be like one of us going to work just to pay for childcare. The crux of the matter is I am the one he wants to give up work, regardless of the fact that I earn as much as him and my job is far more secure than his. He works in sales and for as long as I've known him he has always said the company is not in a healthy financial state. Grant it I am not ambitious and I don't see my self climbing the management ladder. I love my children and I love/will love being with them but shoot me for saying this I CAN'T STAY AT HOME!. It sounds so selfish and unmaternal and he has already tried to lay the guilt on by asking don't I want to be with the children. But I don't see him making any sacrifies. I am used to being independent having my own money, grant it with child care will be skin for at least the next 3 years, but surely we would still be skin if I didn't work. Can someone please put this into perspective as things are really getting me down at the moment

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Pidge · 26/05/2004 09:22

I couldn't be a full time at home mum either, so I really sympathise. I love my dd, and I loved my maternity leave with her, but I also need my work for stimulation and adult company. I work part-time (4 days per week, previously it was 3 days), and that's a perfect compromise for me.

Obviously you should talk to your partner about how you feel and you need to do some thinking about the finances. I know this is a tough decision if it turns out that you'd be financially better off with you not working, rather than having to cover childcare costs. But it has to be a decision made between the two of you and one with which you'll both be happy. And if it's the case that you going out to work does no more than cover childcare, that's still a valid decision as work is about more than just earning money.

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motherinferior · 26/05/2004 09:22

I haven't got much time (shouldn't be on MN!) but I don't think you're selfish or unmaternal AT ALL. I would hate to be a SAHM. I need my job and everything it gives me - not just the money. It sounds as if you are similar.

Childcare is expensive, but it isn't always prohibitive. Your three year old will be in school in less than three years. And as you say, that's not the point. You want to stay in work, and I think you should be able to think about your different options on YOUR terms. I work four days a week, and that suits me. I don't want to do five days, but I don't want to do three either.

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marialuisa · 26/05/2004 09:24

if you feel so strongly about going back to work (and i completely understand the "independence" thing) perhaps you need to ask him why he's not suggesting being a stay at home dad (whilst outlining your points about stability)? Does he have a particular hobby like golf that might become unaffordable if your income goes?

As your other child is 3 you presumably get some help from the non-means tested nursery grant, and it won't be long until child 1 is in school thus reducing childcare costs again.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work, so have another chat with him and see how it goes.

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goosey · 26/05/2004 09:30

Congratulations!
I didn't have twins - and I can't imagine the extra work and tiredness twins must bring - but I know how you feel about not wanting to give up work. I worked full-time until my mat. leave and then went back part-time afterwards. Your feelings may well change when the time comes to go back to work, so I would advise keeping your options open by telling work that you WILL be returning. Employers will take seriously all requests for all manner of flexible/part-time working patterns now, and good childcare CAN be arranged at relatively short notice if you do your research. Things often have a way of working out for the best. I work for little more than the minimum wage once childcare costs are taken into account, but it is vital for me to have a professional adult life away from the daily grind of relentless childcare. With twins I can guess that you will need time away even more! If you've got the energy that is!
The guilt thing is so typical it's laughable - try not to allow it to get to you. A happy mum equals a happy household, so keep exploring your options but don't let yourself be bullied into a compromise you are not entirely comfortable with.
You don't have to make a decision now.

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binkie · 26/05/2004 09:43

The advice you've had below is solid and sensible; I'm just joining to say I'm with you on not staying at home and to add something else which might help your feelings: I think my family genuinely benefits from having someone other than me as our kids' primary lookerafter - in rather basic terms, our nanny is more active, has more common sense, a better understanding of what children are generally like at relevant ages & fund of relevant stories songs & ideas, is a far better cook, etc. than me; but, more sort of theoretically, it means they have another role model, another way of learning (and another person to practice limits on!)

When you do your calculations, have you considered a childminder instead of a nanny? Nannies are the most expensive option, so if you can manage that I think you must be in quite good shape financially.

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Fennel · 26/05/2004 09:53

Don't give up work unless you want to. I have 3 under 5's and love them but do not enjoy being full time at home with them.

If you want a financial reason for staying in work, there is lots of research on the longer timer costs of giving up work for a few years. basically even if you are just earning enough to pay the childcare (I've been in that situation) you are gaining financially by staying at work. in the longer term it makes a big difference to your earning power , pension, employability, even if at the time it feels as though you are going nowhere and earning nothing. perhaps if your partner knew this it would help?

childminders can be very good - flexible and cheap. well worth checking out.

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toddlerbob · 26/05/2004 09:56

If you want to work and are happy to just about cover a nanny with "your share" then do just that. If he feels so strongly that one of you should be home then tell him that's fine you will support his decision to stay home! I love staying at home, but it's not for everyone. Good luck with your babies.

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WideWebWitch · 26/05/2004 21:27

Oh, I agree with everyone really. Why won't he be a SAHD then? Sorry you're feeling down about this.

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Angeliz · 26/05/2004 21:32

I think you'll be a much happier person and in turn better mam by doing what YOU feel is best.
I am a SAHM but i don't think it's selfish at all to want to return to work. If that's what i'd wanted i would have done it too!
Hope you work things out and good luck with it all

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mummypercy · 27/05/2004 09:04

Thanks to all of you that have replied, what started as a really crappy day turned into an unexpected positive day. Will bare in mind all the advice that has been given.
PS yes he does play golf (grant it not every week) and one of the reasons he will not be a SAHD is because a career break in his profession (Sales) at his age 37 would be unthinkable!

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