Can't decide and tearing myself up about it

[Tiredandtorn]

Dc's are 3 and 11months. I've been back to work, part time, for 2 months after a lovely year off for dc2's arrival.

After dc1 I had to return to full time work for financial reasons and although it was hard, it became the norm and we got through the 18 months until I took the next mat leave.
A new job for DP means I can be part time now and I love my job.

But part time still feels like too much. I want more time at home, but a longer career break would make it very hard to return as things are currently changing fast and if I miss much more I'd be de-skilled making a return to my current post practically impossible.

Dh assures me that I don't 'need' to work and that we'd manage financially.
The problem is I just can't decide what I want most. I want to be here for my babies, but I also want to keep my professional autonomy (I've worked bloody hard for it), my ability to make my own good living. The thought of living solely off dh's earnings horrifys me (had it ingrained in my upbringing to be financially independent).

If I resign my employer would be furious (but I think, would understand on a personal level) as they've moved mountains to accommodate my new hours.

I'm all over the place emotionally (and in this thread) obviously my children are my biggest priority, but when I work they are very happy with our childcare arrangements (mostly with family in their own home) but the guilt is killing me. Guilt over leaving them, guilt for not doing enough at work, guilt for not contributing enough financially to the home.... So much guilt I'm making my self sick and can't focus on a way forward.

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

Why don't you try going back and see how you get on? I went back after DS and it was fine. I managed just under a year part time with DD then became a SAHM. I felt I wasn't getting either part of my life right plus DD was really miserable at nursery. So the decision was made for me.

On the other hand after so many years out I've never resumed my 'career' - the DC's needs have changed but they still need me around even as teenagers. It's hard to get the same mentality having been out for such a long time.

[Oly5]

I would keep my job. I don't need to work either as hubby earns enough but what if things change? One of you gets ill or made redundant? Surely if you're part time your kids are still seeing you loads and yet you're keeping your hand in at work. There is no need to feel guilty - your kids will be fine! It will just be normal for them to have a part time working mum. Use some of the cash you earn for a cleaner etc so that all the time you do have with your kids is fun, fun, fun!

[Lightbulbon]

You're only working part time and they aren't even that young.

They need socialisation. Having different caregivers in good for dcs.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

IMO it's irresponsible parenting for any family to rely on only one earner.

[mrspepperpotty]

I think working part time is the ideal compromise - keeping your foot in the career door but seeing a lot of your DC too.

[Tiredandtorn]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm feeling a bit less emotional about things today. I think after a year off going back has been a big change and is going to take longer than a couple of months to adapt to it. When I'm at work I feel fine about it but when I'm at home I feel so guilty, like I'm missing out on their childhood.

It doesn't help that I have several colleagues with very traditional views who say things like, "they're only tiny once" & "you'll never have this time again, don't regret your decision to work". These comments aren't out of the blue, it's what they've said when I commented that I feel torn etc. but still not helpful. They're at least the age of my parents when it would have been the norm for mums not to work.

Having only had 7 months off for dc1 and having to work full time, I feel I missed so much compared to how much time I've had for dc2. More guilt, but I did it to keep the roof over our heads so it had to be done.

Someone told me once that motherhood was filled with guilt no matter what you do - they were right.

[tribpot]

You should ask your colleagues if they would say the same to your DH. I have no doubt he is missing out on more of the time with your DC than you are - but is he a bad parent as a result? Of course he isn't, and neither are you.

It's all about compromise and it sounds like you have a very good compromise - a good boss who has gone out on a limb to get you the hours you want, a good job, good childcare arrangements. Stick with it and give yourself a chance to acclimatise. And don't ask for any more advice from your colleagues - they made their choices, they can't make yours.

[Duckdeamon]

Your DC are mainly cared for by relatives, in their own home: that's fantastic! Sounds like you have a great set up.

Your colleagues are out of line and their comments could be seen as bullying IMO.

Does your DH feel this kind of guilt? Has he made changes to his work since he became a parent?

If you became a SAHM and in three five or ten years decided to return to paid work and couldn't find work at a similar level of earnings (quite likely) would you be OK with that risk? would he be supportive, eg changing his hours to enable you to train or work, even for a low wage? Would he share his future income and pension etc with you in the event of divorce?

You say DP: if you're not married it would be inadviseable to stop work.

[Duckdeamon]

Resist feeling guilty about work and your PT earnings: working PT is hardly unusual and decent employers are fine with it. You and DH presumably took a joint decision for the family that one of you should go PT, it was agreed this should be you, less family money (and any negative consequences for your future earnings/ career) was just part and parcel of that decision. Nothing to feel guilty about. You working PT enables him to work FT AND be a parent.

[timeforabrewnow]

What Lightbulbon said.

Keep a foot in both camps. Believe me, as kids get older they cost more and by the time they're finishing primary school, you will be glad of a good job for yourself.

[Hassled]

I think part-time is the perfect set up from the sounds of things - you're right to be concerned about maintaining your professional autonomy etc. And as you say, it's early days - you're still settling into routines etc. It'll feel easier soon.

Once you've taken that decision to stay at home, it's very hard to reverse it - I decided to have a couple of years off after DC4 and it turned into a decade. I lost my nerve, basically - it was so easy to keep putting off a return, and then of course I looked crap on paper because of the years out so it was harder to find work.

[Tiredandtorn]

We are married and in terms of future finances, my pension is far better and much more secure than his. But reduced hours means reduced contributions for the time being, I'd planned on staying part time until dc2 starts school. But something, somewhere has to be sacrificed in the short term, I can always contribute more in the future.

DHs job means he's often away for 4-10 days at a time on a regular basis, he misses the children terribly and has had a very difficult relationship with dc2 as he spent so little time with them due to his work that the baby wouldn't tolerate him at all for at least 6-7 months. This upset him so much that he compressed his working week to have and afternoon a week at home - looking after them while I'm at work.

I'm not ok with losing my career and salary potential in the future, I want to be able to afford my children a good lifestyle, holidays, university in the future etc, all the things I never had (without creating myself a lifetime of debt) and we can't do all that if I don't work.

I think the root of the guilt is that I think I should be willing to sacrifice everything I've worked for for my children, but in reality, I don't want to; it's too much to give up and i'd feel like I'm losing part of my identity as well as my financial freedom. But that makes me feel like a terrible mum. Which I know is ridiculous!!

My colleagues are good people, they have some strong views that, agreed, they should keep to themselves, but they have been an invaluable source of support while having to work full time after dc1, which I found excruciatingly hard.

[tribpot]

It sounds like if anything you could be looking for a compromise that would allow your DH to change his job? I can't see why you're beating yourself up over being away from them for (I guess) about 30 hours a week when he's away for days at a time? I'm not criticising him, just drawing a parallel.

[Duckdeamon]

"I think I should be willing to sacrifice everything I've worked for for my children".

That isn't logical OP. Apart from the benefits for you personally, you earning well has lots of benefits for your DC, eg in the ways you've outlined.

Adjustments to work after parenthood are one thing, sounds like both you and your H have made those, but total sacrifice "for the sake of the kids" wouldn't be healthy, and might not benefit them anyway, eg if you stopped work and your H couldn't maintain his earnings for some reason.

[FusionChefGeoff]

You need to play the long game. Your children don't stop needing you but just need you in a different way (and at different times, physically in the day) so having a part time job that you love is absolutely crucial for when they start school etc. It is generally very difficult, if not impossible to go into a decent part-time job cold - normally you do what you have done by finding a boss that knows and respects you so is willing to accommodate flexible hours.

Hang onto this job and you will probably be able to do all the school pick ups and after school care which is an absolutely huge part of your kids lives and will be much more important to them than having you at home when they are so small.

You can't guarantee what will happen to DH company / job / income so it is very important to have a back up.

If you hated your job, very different story but you love it and you matter too!