Coping with Mummy Guilt

[louisenew]

Hi you lovely ladies,
I have been back at work for nearly 3 months and having had an awful settling in period for both my daughter and I at the end of last year (normal settling in teething troubles for daughter + constant cold / bugs for both of us) we are both settled in. My job itself is great and I am working 4 days a week and with hours that mean I can pick my daughter up from her childminder at 5.30 and have an hour or so with her before bed - BUT I feel guilty all the time. Sometimes I can ignore it when I am busy at work but it creeps up on me and fells me a few times a day. It feels like an ache in my heart. I feel guilty that someone else is looking after her and that she has to be out in the world on her own without her mummy so young (she is 13 months old now).
How do you working Mummys cope with this. Am I alone in this - I'm guessing not!
Thanks in advance. x

[AnythingNotEverything]

I'm assuming that your DD is in a lovely, nurturing, childcare environment? Somewhere she is safe and gets to do things you can't provide at home? (My DD does baking and playdoh with her CM - definitely things I probably wouldn't be doing if I were a SAHM!).

If that's the case, and you're happy and fulfilled at work as you say, then you just need to out the guilt in a locked box and turn that frown upside down. You'd feel just as guilty if you were at home with her (but about different things). The guilt is inevitable - they give it to you when they take away your placenta.

She has a happy mum. She's in a good setting. Give yourself a break.

[louisenew]

Thank you so much AnythingNotEverything. All good points and yes you are right - the guilt is always going to be part of parenting I guess. xx

[Nolim]

You are not alone. And you are doing what is best for you and your family.

[CanISayOfHerFace]

I go back in two weeks. I wanted to go back three days a week but it was turned down. So I'm doing four days a week, 8am until 4pm.

I feel guilty already! My job pays well and has great benefits so I would be silly to resign. Plus we may decide to try for another baby so it makes sense to go back. I just feel so sad about it.

You're not alone, that's for certain. I would love to hear how anyone else copes and if it gets easier as time goes on.

to you.

[IpsyUpsyDaisyDo]

I think it's a time thing, in a few more months when things really have settled into being your normal weekday routine, you'll suddenly realise that you don't feel the guilt as much. You'll get better at compartmentalising your life, thinking about work at work and your DD at other times. It does get better!

[airedailleurs]

I can so identify with your post OP, but please don't worry. I went back to work part-time when my DD was 1, and felt terrible most of the time as her separation anxiety made drop-offs hell for me for a couple of years (sic), but when I look at her now a few years later and compare her with other kids who have not had the same experience of "outsourced" childcare, it's obvious that her social skills are way better.

Her childminder's DD (similar age) is now her best friend so it all worked out for the best.

By the way, your working hours sound fantastic, and it would be hard to find that again if you left this job and tried to find work again in a couple of years, so don't let it go!

Going out to work also gives you a break and a different perspective, and you are providing a great role model for your DD as well as an income.

Good luck OP, it does get better; this is really the voice of experience talking!

[YorkshireTeaandCake]

It does get easier.

I have been through this twice when my son and daughter reached 10 months old. I had to return to work...groan! I dropped hours after my first child was born and went full time down to a 3 day week.
The guilt was immense those first few months. My eldest went to a day nursery and was forever ill with one bug or another. When he was just turned 4, I had my 2nd baby. As he was due to start FT school, that September, I decided to find a local childminder who could take them both. I felt terrible those first few weeks and months but it did get easier.
My children are now 11 and almost 7 and they still go to the same childminder and love it! Both do well at school and I feel a lot happier with my decision to go back to work as it allowed me to carry on with my career and provide extra cash for days out etc.

Chin up.

[Laineya52]

Aww I'm sure it's perfectly normal to feel like that, I know I did and my kids were with their dad at the times I was working!

I have to say, I lasted through their younger years but now they are older and I still feel the same so I have bitten the bullet and am learning a new career working from home. I know lots of women who have learnt to cope with it though.

Hope things get better for you soon!

[Rockclimber12]

Hello, I wanted a bit of advice from those of you who have gone back to work after your little ones came along. I adopted this year and my 12 month old came home 10 weeks ago. I was going to take 6 months off work (my own business) to stay at home. Last month my business partner had a road accident and is likely to be in hospital for at least 3 months which means there's no management around in the office, for the other 3 people there. They are very junior and able but not ready yet to take on the heavy client facing work that both she and I do. DH has been fab and taken some leave to be at home with little one for the last few weeks. I am so torn and guilty about prospect of leaving little one with childminder/ at nursery so I can go back to work. Realistically, my clients won't understand my not being there, they will go elsewhere and financially we will take a very big hit.
A local childminder has offered to come and take care of little one in our home so she has a consistent home environment where possible which is great. But I am so torn between my commitment to my company and my daughter. She is so settled now, but she has had a change of family now and I don't want to disrupt her attachment here. I dont' really have any family to ask, both parents passed away and mum in law had originally offered to help out 1.5 days a week decided last week, she'd can't leave her 4 cats on their own all day to be here. DH is still very supportive and said its' ok whatever I decide. Really feel stuck with this and have started being sick in the day when I start to mull on this. Sorry for such a long rambling post but would really value some thoughts on this.