Can anyone cheer me up re working full time with young dd?

[back2schoolblues]

I used to work freelance but office based, always 5 day week but at different companies. I have no perm job to go back to but been offered work in January, when dd will be 8 months. I cant work less days or hours (usually 10-6) cos i wont get work, so its all or nothing. I do enjoy my work and its a profession, but i wont be earning masses and dont have big career path - i'd be going back to pay mortgage.
But i feel so miserable at the very idea of giving my precious dd to anyone else.. feels like someone else will be bringing her up.. I know its reality and I'm not the first but it just feels wrong at the moment, i cant even bring myself to phone childcare options as i keep bursting into tears at the idea, It seems everyone i know works part time.
Anyone out there been through this? What helped? Whats the best kind of childcare for full time? Could afford nannyshare, cm or reasonable nursery. Also longish hours seem to be tricky for all childcare - again surely i cant be the first..help its stressing me out!!

[Flossam]

I work shift hours as does my DP and we have managed to find a lovely childminder. I think that CM is often the way to go if your hours are a little bit long/awkward. I don't know if you are alone but if not is there any way that one of you can drop off your DD and the other collect? That is what DP and I do. Also I work full time atm (although plan to try and reduce hours) and am able to work long shifts (12.5 hours) so I only work 2/3 shifts during the week. However I do work every other weekend too. I don't know if this would be possible with you but as long as you are meeting the hours they are specifying I would hope they could be a little flexible with how you choose to do them?

Other thing worth bearing in mind is the cost of Childcare. I am hoping to reduce my hours in the next couple of months - I work full time as I have already said and DS goes to the CM three days a week. hence every other week he goes when he dosen't really need to IYSWIM as I am only working the 2 days. Therefore I plan to work the equivilant of 31hrs and only put him to the CM 2 days a week. this will only make us £40 a month worse off. Worth it IMO.

Lastly i do remember the horrible sinking feeling of going back to work and how the months seem to be marching past. I did abhorr the idea of going back to work when DS was first born but gradually the idea didn't seem quite as awful and I was pleasantly surprised when I did go back how nice it was to talk about 'normal' things!! Good luck, I hope you work everything out in a way that you are happy.

[back2schoolblues]

thanks Flossam, no not alone but DH leaves early and back late for long commute. Freelancing in my job is a wierd set up, bit like temping so cant really choose my own hours except maybe leave at 5.30 but always full week..so its full time or nowt!

Its more the general idea of leaving her and the CM or whoever spending more time with her than me. I just need to get my head round it i think, like i said i'm hardly the only one..just feeling sorry for myself this is what it must feel like to be a working dad..

[Tumblemum]

Know how you feel - poor you. I work four days and found that hard, facing the prospect of going back and leaving dd same age as yours.

What helped me was getting the best childcare that I could afford and wanting my ds (first time around) to form attachments as that was what he needed. Personally I would go for cm or nanny share doing cm this time. Found the nursery for ds first time round too institutionalised he got upset when ever anyone turned up as he thought it was me. The cm i have found has been personally recommended and promises lots of cuddles and will make sure that they both get some sleep during the day - something the nursery found hard to deliver.

It is hard there is no getting round it - but this time round biting the bullet with the child care is making me feel better at prospect of leaving dd compared to ds. Sorry if too long
x

[Rookiemum]

I'm going back soonish as well and changed from a nursery to a CM based on Mumsnet advice. Obviously I am still not delighted about going back to work but I feel a lot happier about thinking with him at the CM rather than at the nursery as it is more like home.

However if you are so upset about the idea perhaps you need to sit down and rethink if its an absolute necessity for you to go back in Jan, or even try to negotiate the hours with them. Must go crying rookiebaby ...

[curlew]

I hope this is not going to be an unpopular post - and it is just my opinion, but don't go back to work unless you really really need to or really really want to. I know of course that lots of women have no choice. And lots want to work outside the home. However, I also think that lots of women go back to work because that feel they should, and end up tired, stressed and unhappy and, when everything's taken into consideration, very little better off financially than they would have been if they hadn't. If only society at large put as high a value on bringing up the next generation as it does on composing a new advertisement for breakfast cereal,then maybe mothers wouldn't have to make these horrible decisions!

[threebob]

Could you consider doing something else, just for a bit?

If you wait a bit longer - will someone else offer you work?

If your dh works long hours then you will get stuck with taking and picking up your dd, making sure she has clean clothes etc. etc. etc. and you will end up working harder and longer than him. Can he make compromises, work fewer hours?

She will only be little for a short time.

[musicbugs]

backtoschoolblues - you have my sympathy. having to go back to work (when you don't want to) and having to leave your child with another (when you really don't want to) is a horrible position to be in.

You said yourelf that you won't be making much money after childcare, so in the end, is it really worth it?

Having an 8 month old puts you in the ideal position to do something like Usbourne or Truly Madly Baby as you are probably already in touch with other local mums and these are jobs that you can take DD to.

I also know of a new Company that has recently set up a parenting directory and they looking for local people to do some part time work for them. Their website is www.whatson4littleones.co.uk (Im on there, they are lovely!)

Not sure what the job involves, or what the pay s like but you would need accessto a puter!

You also have to weigh up the extra stress that going back to work may cause you (I mean going back to your old job)What happens if your dd is sick and the nursery/cm won't take her. You then have to ring in sick and if this happens frequently enough (which can happen - children pick up all sorts)then it can cause tensions at work.

Its a horrible horrible situation to be in, I hope you manage to sort something out soon!

[musicbugs]

have you had any more time to think things through backtoschool?

[back2schoolblues]

Thanks all of you for messages, sorry i've been busy with wedding and other bank holiday stuff. Anyway the amazing news is that i collared DH yesterday and just told him how i felt, he said i didnt need to go back to work unless i felt i wanted to, we agreed until dd is 1 in March.

I feel a bit stupid for posting this now but we had talked about it before and he was always presuming i'd go back at Christmas, also he HATES his job which he started just as i had dd, never sees us due to long commute etc and i guess i just felt a bit guilty being at home with her (illogical i know) and wanting to extend it. And, its hard taking money from him as i had always been the higher earner before and it feels odd. Now i have a bit more time to think about what i'll do but even if i do have to go back full time i'll be happier to have spent more of precious first years with her.

Ps I'm new on Mumsnet and i'm so pleased i've found it, what an amazing store of wisdom and support..

[Rookiemum]

That is great, I am really glad you found a solution that works for you.

Isn't it funny how before you have them it's so logical you think yes I will go back on X date and do this, then when they come its completely different.