Mums who've gone from SAHM to FT career again - how has relationship with DH fared?

(3 Posts)
firewatchingfan Fri 22-Nov-13 22:10:59

I've been a SAHM for the last 5.5 years, 2 DDs (5.5 and 1.5 yrs) and actively seeking employment in a fairly specialised, well-paid sector with a good qualification and 10 years work experience pre-kids. Loved my job before but when mat leave time was up after DD1 did not fancy returning. Now after 5 years at home starting to feel I'm losing my identity and defo want to return to work.

DH has demanding (& well-paid) managerial job involving travel 1-2 days a week 50% of the time.

Thing is; relationship with DH has suffered under strain of having young kids sleeping in our bed etc, sex became a rarity and often find ourselves bickering over silly stuff. DH is cooperative with childcare/duties but doesn't initiate very often (leaves pots to magically stack themselves in dishwasher most of the time, doesn't volunteer to do childcare duties often eg). We used to be very close and I feel we're drifting apart nowadays.

I am quite concerned that our relationship will deteriorate to constant bickering as I get irritated with his lack of initiating jobs in the house.
He is a good and considerate man really (but just a bit typical of many men who don't seem to have the full housekeeping instinct).

We will get a cleaner & enlist all practical outside help we can get but family very far away so it is just us. I will also make a written list of who does what and split the taskd evenly too (as now they understandably mostly fall to me)

What have been your experiences on a relationship level if you've been in a similar situation? What has helped keep your relationship healthy after you went back to work?

sherbetpips Sat 23-Nov-13 07:16:28

On the positive side by going back to work you will be more back on a level with DH again. That will mean however that your current focus on kids/housework will change. Getting a cleaner is a great idea. Honestly though you need to talk to him about it so mummy martyrdom doesn't set in and you find yourself doing everything and then complaining about it. A trap I so easily fall into until my DH reminds me of it! Good luck with your career x

Judyandherdreamofhorses Sat 23-Nov-13 07:27:33

I'm back at work part time, trying to rebuild my career after my 4 years out. Started in September.

DH has been advancing his career all this time and is at a key turning point. He works long hours.

My return to work has been the best thing for our relationship. I'm effectively bringing in no more money to the household because of childcare costs, but I'm really enjoying work and it's rejuvenated me somehow. I feel less resentful of what I sometimes saw as him swanning off for a lovely, peaceful day of adult company and he doesn't resent my long days of lounging around drinking coffee and doing nothing. Obviously neither of these perspectives were even close to reality, but we can see that now.

He still has never spent a whole day with the children on his own. I'm springing that on him next weekend...

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