Back to work after 12 years. Dd2 crying her eyes out every night.

(63 Posts)
Verycold Mon 27-May-13 22:15:13

I am starting in September. She will be 10 but she is soooo upset at me not taking her to school anymore, not picking her up. It kills me! Feel like throwing in the towel already!

platanos Tue 28-May-13 07:58:09

First of all: Congratulations!

I agree: don't give up.

My DD (also 10) is very scared of change too. She worries about how it will affect her. We talk it through, and talk about what will change and what will remain the same. That helps her cope as she realises that I will still be there for her. For example, will you be there in the evenings to put her to bed? (This is key for my daughter, it might be something else for yours).

Sometimes the idea of change is worse than the actual change. Good luck! And enjoy your working life, and the benefits it brings to your family (both financial and other...)

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 08:08:39

Her main sadness is about not walking to school together, and I can't do anything about that..

Jinsei Tue 28-May-13 08:14:55

Find out what it is that she likes about the walk to school, OP. Is it the 1:1 time with you, and if so, can you make the time to chat and walk at another time during the day?

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 08:50:36

Gah must keep away from the tes website because it frightens me with all the tales of teachers never seeing their children...

JewelFairies Tue 28-May-13 18:01:13

You'll both need a period of adjustment. I'd give it at least six months for you both to get used to the new routine. brew and biscuit

I think she's being a bit manipulative and I wouldn't stand for that. Reassure her that you will have time for her but don't let her make you feel guilty. Her grandmother is looking after her and you're working not movng to New Zealand. She needs to deal with change, not whimper.

exoticfruits Tue 28-May-13 19:23:12

She is old enough to explain and accept. It is all going to be change soon anyway-secondary school DCs are not walked to school by mother-or even to the bus by mother.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 28-May-13 19:31:52

Congratulations OP

Not sure I can add much except to reassure her.
perhaps tell her its an exciting new start for all of you. Also if she is 10 you will all be facing a change with high school too at some time. Perhaps talk about how grown up she is now, but reassure no matter how grown up she is, you will always love her and she'll always be your dd.
I would talk about the positives of you working and let her know its important to the family as well as yourself etc.
She sounds a sensitive little soul and whilst you need to be firm, I can understand why you are torn. Its a learning curve for her being able to accept change, she will be fine once she's established the new routine.
Perhaps nearer the time you could ask her to help with preparations, maybe help you chose work clothes if this is appropriate
Good luck with the new job.

outtolunchagain Tue 28-May-13 19:42:58

Congratulations OP ,I think your dd probably is being a little manipulative but is also genuinely scared of change .I would press on ,you need to not show any worry yourself though because what she needs most of all is to feel confident that it will be OK ,if she senses a lack of confidence in you that is bound to worry her.She will take her lead from you,could you get your older daughter to talk to her as well.

A salutary tale;I had a close friend who was in a similar position when her twins were the same age as your ds,they moaned and whinged and generally got quite difficult about things and after a few weeks she gave in and gave up the job.A year later those ds were off to senior school with barely a backward glance,now they are away at University ,she has not worked for 20 years and is sad and lonely sad

Verycold Tue 28-May-13 20:24:11

Yes I do strongly feel that I got to grab this chance. It's only a one year contract so who knows what will happen then!

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 08:59:22

No tears last night, phew smile

Excellent smile

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 21:44:16

Spoke too soon... Just came down in tears again

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 21:53:01

You just need to give her the security of being the one in charge, just calm and matter of fact-'this is what is going to happen'.

LifeofPo Wed 29-May-13 21:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 29-May-13 21:59:54

very I went back to work after 10 years in Feb.

DD1 who is ten was in a terrible state. She cried everyday and was stressed and hated it.

I remember crying and wondering what I'd done it was so awful!

After about 3 weeks she was totally fine and now it's like I was never at home.

Don't worry it will be ok x

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 22:28:23

Thank you. This is really hard hmm

exoticfruits Wed 29-May-13 22:31:16

It is hard but she needs the security of knowing that you are in charge and you know best. Just be calm and factual and don't get drawn into long, pointless discussions.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 29-May-13 22:38:18

It is bloody hard and you feel crappy, guilty and upset.

But even today when it's hard to leave because they are at home for half term I'm still really glad I did it.

I think it has taught dd1 to be a bit more independent and think for herself. She even helps around the house now she sees how knackered I am!

We have more money to spend on fun things as a family and I am not just mum any more, I have a whole other role which I really enjoy.

Honestly don't stress it will be hard initially but it will get easier.

Verycold Wed 29-May-13 22:47:16

I think it's hard as well because we've been lucky enough not to struggle financially while I was at home. If I could be sure to get work then I would happily stay at home until all three are at secondary, but I know I am lucky to find sonething now after such a long time away, so if I left it another five years...

Thinking now whether I should have gone for something "smaller", but on the other hand I studied years for my degree, did my teacher training, do I really want to waste that completely?

exoticfruits Thu 30-May-13 07:32:27

Don't start doubting yourself, most teachers have gone back long before the DC reaches 10 yrs. Just be calm and matter of fact- it is fear of the unknown and she will adjust. Don't get into endless, pointless discussions - you have had enough of them by the sound if it- just go for the calm, broken record approach with a short sentence and change the subject.

Verycold Thu 30-May-13 08:08:16

Thank you. I really really appreciate everyone's messages, it's so easy to feel bad about it when waking up in the early hours!

Verycold Tue 30-Jul-13 21:58:35

After a long gap of dd kind of being okay there were more tears tonight as it's getting closer. Gah!! sad

SnakePlisskensMum Tue 30-Jul-13 22:14:18

I've been through exactly the same. I had 8 years off and have been back at my full time, very stressful job for a year now. Both DS and DD were upset every night and I nearly gave up after 3 months. It upset me so much, I went on AD's. I stuck at it though and we've all come out the other side and I'm so pleased I carried on. I'm having a few days off with them and they are driving me crazy with their fighting! I can't wait to go back grin

RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-13 22:17:25

I wonder how much is about other anxieties but she is focusing on your new job?

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